Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my DB about gov guidelines for sleeping in same room as baby when he said baby would be sleeping in its own room.

128 replies

neolara · 24/09/2008 21:51

My brother is expecting his first child any time now. He doesn't really know anything about babies yet although I think he will be a fantastic dad when it comes along.

He said that the baby would be sleeping in a separate room with the maternity nurse and would stay there when the maternity nurse leaves after 5 weeks. I rather cautiously mentioned that the current guidelines are that a baby sleeps in the same room as someone else for the first six months because of the risk of cot death. He said he didn't know that, but then went quiet on me, which means he was cross and wanted me to but out!

Some close friends of his who recently had a baby have had the baby in a separate room from birth and I think he just thinks that is what "everyone" does. I also think that he was probably annoyed that his big sister was trying to tell him how to bring up his baby. And I can see how that would be bloody irritating. I tried to back-track (e.g. it's your baby and obviously you can have it sleep wherever you want) but actually I do think he should at least make an informed decision.

I suppose it comes down to how much do you think it is reasonably to interfere in how others in your family bring up their children. Do you think I should have said something, or left it to the health visitor / midwife?

OP posts:
Ashantai · 24/09/2008 21:55

Sorry to be dim but wth is a maternity nurse?

Why would the baby be sleeping alone?

I would have hated to be separated from my bub in those early weeks!

MaloryDontDiveItsShallow · 24/09/2008 21:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NickiSue · 24/09/2008 21:58

Kieran went into his own room adjoining us from birth and I expect I'm not the only person who has ever done this.

As for giving advice, this may be his first child, but it is HIS child, and has to find his own way. He wouldnt be a bad parent for having his child in another room. Its nice that you care enough to be concerned but personally I wouldnt have dreamed to interfere, certainly not on this issue.

NickiSue · 24/09/2008 21:58

Kieran went into his own room adjoining us from birth and I expect I'm not the only person who has ever done this.

As for giving advice, this may be his first child, but it is HIS child, and has to find his own way. He wouldnt be a bad parent for having his child in another room. Its nice that you care enough to be concerned but personally I wouldnt have dreamed to interfere, certainly not on this issue.

LittleMyDancingForJoy · 24/09/2008 21:58

I don't think you were wrong to mention it - if he wasn't aware of the guidelines, then he is now and he may consider it more when the baby is actually there.

What are his DW/DP's views on it? Is she going to be breastfeeding? I found that separate rooms were a ridiculous suggestion anyway if you're getting up for night feeds!

I always think you are perfectly entitled to bring these things up once, and then it's up to people to decide whether to follow the advice or not.

NickiSue · 24/09/2008 21:59

Kieran went into his own room adjoining us from birth and I expect I'm not the only person who has ever done this.

As for giving advice, this may be his first child, but it is HIS child, and has to find his own way. He wouldnt be a bad parent for having his child in another room. Its nice that you care enough to be concerned but personally I wouldnt have dreamed to interfere, certainly not on this issue.

FrayedKnot · 24/09/2008 21:59

Er...where is the mother in all this?

Or is the baby going to be left by a stork under a gooseberry bush?

SlartyBartFast · 24/09/2008 21:59

i would have said the same, i couldnt resist probably.. but it is hard to bite your tongue sometimes isnt it?

SlartyBartFast · 24/09/2008 22:00

no one told me these guidelines though, i read them...

thumbwitch · 24/09/2008 22:00

am most impressed at your brother's fabulous physiological powers! No wonder a maternity nurse is required.

On a more serious note, I assume that his partner is actually having the baby and seeing a midwife, and so she will have been given the info. Don't think it does any harm to remind them, especially if your bro is the dominant partner in the relationship and not allowing his OH to speak out about what she wants. (assuming that there is actually a female involved in this situation and that your bro is not a medical miracle! )

beansprout · 24/09/2008 22:00

I've seen SIDS close up and I think these guidelines really should be followed. But that's just me.

georgimama · 24/09/2008 22:01

He is expecting his first child? Are you sure - because medical science would be VERY interested.

georgimama · 24/09/2008 22:01

He is expecting his first child? Are you sure - because medical science would be VERY interested.

juuule · 24/09/2008 22:05

One of my dd would not have been here if she had been in her own room. She stopped breathing at 8 weeks old.
I think you did the right thing mentioning it to your brother.

GreenMonkies · 24/09/2008 22:08

Sleeping with the Maternity Nurse!!!

I would be asking him why he was hiring someone to care for his child instead of the mother doing it, as well as why he was going to put it in a room alone.

I would also buy him a copy of "Breastfeeding Matters" and "Three in a Bed" and "The Continuum Concept" and a nice Huggababy sling.

But then I could actually say all that to my brother and have an adult discussion with him about the why's and how's of the the situation. But then my brother wouldn't do any of those things so I guess it's academic really.

But to answer your question, no, YANBU.

sweetkitty · 24/09/2008 22:10

Wait and see when the baby is born there is nothing stronger than a mothers bond with her baby, I know I couldn't have put any of mine in their own room so young (or own bed for that matter but thats me) I would have never have thought I would have felt like that prior to having DC.

ChukkyPig · 24/09/2008 22:11

Maybe you could buy him (them) a book like this one which I had. It was really good and covers everything, and includes all the different theories/ways of doing things quite factually so that you can see what feels right for you/try different things. It also says what the prevailing advice is. If you say that you found it useful in general and give it as a gift maybe he'll take a look?

deegward · 24/09/2008 22:12

YABVU - ds2 was in his own room day 1 as he won't sleep in our room in his lovle moses basket. OK that was 5 1/2 years ago now, and I know guidelines have changed, but can you not remember just before your PFB, and were fed up of anyone who had ever had a child telling you the rights and wrongs.

SlartyBartFast · 24/09/2008 22:23

no, 14 years ago the guidelines were for to sleep in parents room until 6 months - so how are they different now?

Ashantai · 24/09/2008 22:24

So do i take it that the new parents are in one room and a maternity nurse sleeps with the baby in a separate room?

Sorry just never heard of this before. I dont think its pfb to want to sleep in the same room as your newborn.

pooka · 24/09/2008 22:30

Oh goodness. I cannot imagine being happy having dd or ds sleeping in a separate room with a maternity nurse. Jesus.

DD was hideously noisy and I think at about 5 months we (I) cracked and could deal with the huffing and puffing no longer.

But DS co-slept for the first couple of weeks, and then slept in a bedside crib, and the difference was amazing in terms of night time feeding and settling being so much easier.

I don't think YABU in telling your brother about the guidelines. Did he genuinely not know, or was he feigning ignorance to get you off his back?

Original poster
neolara · 24/09/2008 22:32

Yup, maternity nurse and baby in one room and parents in the other. I don't know what his wife thinks of all this, as I haven't asked her. I assume she thinks the same as my brother - I'm sure he would go along with whatever she wanted. He's a really lovely guy.

Actually, I agree with other posters who say that they may well change their minds when the baby is born. Personally I would have found it very difficult to be in a different room from my children when they were born. There were loads of things I said I would never do before my pfb was born that I ended up doing (feeding every 2 hours, co-sleeping, not getting dressed till the afternoon etc). All seemed completely bonkers before the birth and utterly reasonable afterwards.

Interesting to see such diverse views here.

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 24/09/2008 22:54

neolara - just to add to your point about changing minds after the birth - I was determined (prior to DS being born) that he would go into his cot straight away - never happened. From the moment he was born at 2am, he slept with me and it felt RIGHT. Even putting him in his bassinet in the hospital didn't go down well with him, but he settled immediately he was next to me. Result: co-slept with him until he was ~6mo. He is now in his cot in his own room without any trouble (9.5mo) - it's amazing how these little tiny beings change your "hard and fast" ideas so much!!

S1ur · 24/09/2008 23:02

I think.

You cannot advise soon to be or new parents on their choices.

You have to be really gentle and subtle getting your point across. Likelihood is they are insecure and yet keen and determined they know best, so you coming in with wisdom will bug them.

So what to do with the issues that you feel one way about and they do differently?

Sometimes you have to accept that they will not raise their child as well as you raised yours

And sometimes you can give a genuine useful imput through flattering and subtlety and kindness.

Next time you see them you could say how amazing you think they are for sorting out things beforehand and how cool they will be as parents and oh btw you have that info from about safest sleeping arrangements they were interested in.

pooka · 24/09/2008 23:02

thumbwitch speaks the truth.

I had all sorts of plans before I had dd about how our lives would be after she arrived. Read GF . Which got binned when dd was born as she hadn't. A

irily said to my mother that I might learn to knit and buy a sewing machine, so I could while away the hours that she slept by making the house (and dd) look fabulous. She raised an eyebrow but did manage not to shriek with laughter. Did buy the machine, dd is now 5 (ds 3) and I still haven't really learnt to thread it. Had to take it to the shop for them to do it last time I ran up a misshapen cloak for pre-school dress up.