To tell my DB about gov guidelines for sleeping in same room as baby when he said baby would be sleeping in its own room.

[neolara]

My brother is expecting his first child any time now. He doesn't really know anything about babies yet although I think he will be a fantastic dad when it comes along.

He said that the baby would be sleeping in a separate room with the maternity nurse and would stay there when the maternity nurse leaves after 5 weeks. I rather cautiously mentioned that the current guidelines are that a baby sleeps in the same room as someone else for the first six months because of the risk of cot death. He said he didn't know that, but then went quiet on me, which means he was cross and wanted me to but out!

Some close friends of his who recently had a baby have had the baby in a separate room from birth and I think he just thinks that is what "everyone" does. I also think that he was probably annoyed that his big sister was trying to tell him how to bring up his baby. And I can see how that would be bloody irritating. I tried to back-track (e.g. it's your baby and obviously you can have it sleep wherever you want) but actually I do think he should at least make an informed decision.

I suppose it comes down to how much do you think it is reasonably to interfere in how others in your family bring up their children. Do you think I should have said something, or left it to the health visitor / midwife?

i'd but out.
his chikld his way.
just grin and bear it even if they end up complaining later on about something that they refused your advice on.
with parents only give advice when directly asked as a lot of them are protective.

I would have mentioned it but it is his baby and he can do as he wants. However, most people have fixed ideas about what it will be like to have a baby and they tend to get thrown out of the window as soon as the baby enters the world.

I would loved a maternity nurse for the first 5 weeks! I could have actually slept!

Well really it's his decision. He knows about the guidelines now but you have to let them find their own way now. So yes, you are being unreasonable really and do need to butt out. Just because you put a baby in their own room under 6 months deosn't mean they will die of cd. It's their risk not yours

I think you made your point and it sounded like you tried to be reasonably polite and non judgemental about it. I imagine they will do some research and make their own decision. I bf and dd was in her own room from day 5 because I got no sleep when she wasn't feeding because of the amount of noise she made when she slept! Maybe I was lucky, because she only ever woke once between 1030 and 7 anyway, so I only ever got up once...if she had been a more regular feeder than I may have had to change my mind!

YAB a bit U. Both my babes were in their own room by about 5 weeks because they were huge, and they outgrew the moses basked (kept waking themselves up thrashing their arms against the sides - both summer babes).

Their room was right next to ours, both doors were left open. I found it impossible to sleep with them in the room as every little snuffle or sigh would put my heart in my mouth.

It's hardly the worst thing in the world and it's very easy to undermine a first time parent's confidence with a slightly know it all attitude. I've tried to be so careful with my sister and have only ever offered advice on her DS when she has asked. I know that all babies are different, and that what works for one won't necessarily work for another, so in most cases, it's best off keeping your mouth shut.

I know you are just being a loving sister, and want the best for him and his baby, but you should assume his partner is as capable of figuring all this stuff out as you were.

It was only due to a little snuffle sound that dh was alerted to something not right with our dd. She never made another sound after that. Because we were aware of the little snuffles and grunts that she normally made, he was able to recognise that something was odd about this one.

If she had been in her own room, this wouldn't have been noticed and the first we would have known about her difficulties would have been when we tried to wake her in the morning.

I think yanbu to make your db aware of the guidelines. After that it's their choice. But I think it would be irresponsible to not bring it to his attention.

agree with guidelines. Dont think yabu at all.

Disgusted about maternity nurse to be honest. Poor baby sounds like a complete inconvenience to these parents

Is your brother a minor member of the royal family? (re maternity nurse etc)
YANBU- at all. Ditto what Barbie says- poor baby, hope you manage to talk some sense into them. Just because some or even most babies sleep on their own doesn't change NHS guidelines for their safety.

I can only assume your SIL isn't planning on breastfeeding.

If she is, how does she think it's going to make her life easier having the baby in another room being cared for by a maternity nurse?

Or has she got some idea that you can breastfeed a newborn during the day, but bottlefeed all night and she won't wake up with breasts like cannon balls?

Would like to add, that if she's expecting the maternity nurse to support her with breastfeeding she should ask about her experience and training in this area. I suspect there are quite a few highly paid maternity nurses out there who know sod-all about breastfeeding advising vulnerable new mothers.

Would also like to add to the OP - I think it's really sad that new parents never get encouraged to think of the transition to being a family from the baby's point of view, as well as from their own.

What does your brother think his baby is going to want and need from him and his partner?

Does he think that any newborn baby would choose to be separated from his mother and father for long periods of time immediately after coming out from the womb, to be cared for by a stranger who will promptly leave forever when the child is a few weeks old?

If I was his sister I would want to point out to your bro that he and his partner are about TO FALL MADLY AND PERMANENTLY IN LOVE! That's what the first few weeks with their baby are all about - that intensity, the closeness, the BEING TOGETHER. I hate the whole concept of maternity nurses. It's like taking a relationship counsellor on honeymoon with you to help you cope with the first few weeks of married life!

I mean - fall madly and permanently in love with their baby. Not with each other. You'd hope they'd have done that before making the baby in the first place!

Err aren't babies supposed to wake you up

Actually I think YAB a bit U, only for giving unsolicited advice - which is guaranteed to wind any new parent up!

My friend's baby very quickly outgrew his moses basket so they moved him into his own room when he was 3 mos (he was practically hanging out of it, big lad that he is lol) because there was no way the cot would have fitted into their bedroom. I consider myself very lucky there is ample space in our bedroom for ds's cot, but I still lmoved him into his own room when he was 6.5mo to see if he would sleep better. Sadly it didn't work but it does mean the ils can't stay over as the spare room is now his nursery
But I'm also a bit at the maternity nurse bit, if I'm honest. But hey it's their baby, their choice.

"But hey it's their baby, their choice"

Yes - but do you think they ever sat down with someone who was an experienced parent who could put the 'cons' as well as the 'pros' to them of hiring a maternity nurse so that they can make a truly informed choice?

Of course not. The agency they'll get her from will be selling a service, other people won't want to say anything for fear of being seen to be critical or jealous.

Understandibly most expectant parents have no idea about the emotional experience of the early days with a new baby. I mean - it's too big to imagine isn't it? I know for me it was like a hurricane going through my life, or waking up one day in a parallel universe where everything was different. Caring for your baby is part of what forges the bonds between you and helps you feel at home in your new life.

Sorry -you can see that this is a really big hobby horse for me, can't you!

I've sent him a text message apologising for giving unsolicited advice and promised to try to keep my ideas to myself unless asked in future. I completely take the points some of you have made about "helpful" undermining their confidence.

I know some people have been a bit horrified about the maternity nurse, but actually, I think in their particular circumstances, having a maternity nurse is a really good decision. I know they thought about it long and hard and have got someone who has worked for a friend.

Oh, I just finished typing that last paragraph and I have just this second had a phone call from my dad saying my SIL has gone into labour! Very exciting! (It's SIL, not brother, who is having the baby, contary to my original post!)

Crikey BlovesK, pure disgusted from tumbridged wells territory

Well good luck to them NL!

If one can afford a maternity nurse go for it. Who said parenting should be unrelenting stress for the first few months (with of course much happy delerium) but if you can make for more happiness and less stress, whoi wouldn't?!

YANBU unreasonable to tell him, but being VU to expect him to follow your advice. It's his baby, and he's got to work out what works best for him and his partner.

Ds was in his own room from about 6 weeks because he was such a noisy sleeper - but only because his room is right next to ours, both doors were open, and his moses basket was about 6 feet away from the end of our bed, just on the other side of a wall.

Good for you to apologise, hope you make a wonderful uninterfering aunt

Neolara - I note you say it's "his" friends rather than "theirs" whose baby sleeps separately. I'm jumping the gun and presuming they're also male.

I will try to phrase this as politely as possible: is it he who is uncomfortable with the idea of DC sharing in the same room as he and SIL because of the naughty business they will have gotten up to in the time preceding (and indeed during the conception of) DC?

As others have wondered if he's aware how much care the baby will need, I'm also wondering if he's aware how much care your SIL will need as well and that she may not be up for any of those shenanigans in the first few weeks anyway!

My two were out of the room by about six weeks too. I just could not sleep at all, and when sleep is scarce that is a very big deal IME. I also found feeding much easier that way, as I didn't feel I was disturbing dh, and took the babies into the living room where we had a big comfortable armchair that became my feeding centre. When dd was tiny we moved onto the sitting room floor for a few months, as she kept ds awake too.

My mother had a maternity nurse with me and my siblings (same lady for the three of us), and she always says how fantastic it was. Those were the days when fathers didn't really help though. I hope the birth does well!

My two were out of the room by about six weeks too. I just could not sleep at all, and when sleep is scarce that is a very big deal IME. I also found feeding much easier that way, as I didn't feel I was disturbing dh, and took the babies into the living room where we had a big comfortable armchair that became my feeding centre. When dd was tiny we moved onto the sitting room floor for a few months, as she kept ds awake too.

My mother had a maternity nurse with me and my siblings (same lady for the three of us), and she always says how fantastic it was. Those were the days when fathers didn't really help though. I hope the birth goes well!

Wow, am amazed that people are so negative about maternity nurses! Lots of people have them AND breastfeed. The idea is the maternity nurse brings the baby in to you to feed as neccessary during the night and then takes it back to bed. HEAVEN as far as I can see!
I had a Mat Nurse for occasional support when I had DS and she was brilliant. I wouldn't have BFd as long as I did if not for her support and advice.
Why the negative assumptions?

Anyway, back to the OP, just buy them one of those movement alarms as a baby present. Will put your mind at ease.

It says a lot about maternity nurses they that put a baby in it's own room from the start. I don't see anyway that they can be encouraging breastfeeding.

I think the problem is when you haven't had children you think you know it all, it's almost like being a teenager again! I wasn't going to co-sleep, I've spoken against it on forums, I'm rather embarrassed now because my view has completely changed since getting my baby home. The reality of having a child doesn't really meet your expectations when you are pregnant.

I'm amazed at how many people have said they moved baby into own room for their own sleep. Yeah, we have kids so they can fit in with our life and they better not think of waking us in the night!

Tink, the maternity nurse will be sleeping with the baby, so it won't be on it's own. After the first five weeks who is to say that the OP's new nephew/niece won't move in with his/her parents?, or indeed earlier than that if that's what works for them. As for breastfeeding I suspect that depends on the maternity nurse, their skills and approach, which I imagine the OP's B/SIL checked out prior to hiring her. I imagine having help at hand all the time might actually make breastfeeding easier.

The sleep issue is important. If you get no sleep then you are hardly fit to be a good mother are you? Of course your sleep is going to be disrupted by the baby, often every couple of hours, but if you cannot sleep in between then you get exhausted very fast. That does not help with breastfeeding, looking after the baby, or indeed yourself.

I am a very light sleeper, and I could not go to sleep with the baby in the room. It was not because I didn't want to be put out, or accept any changes in my life. It was just not possible for me to function with the two of us in the same room at night.