To tell my DB about gov guidelines for sleeping in same room as baby when he said baby would be sleeping in its own room.

[neolara]

My brother is expecting his first child any time now. He doesn't really know anything about babies yet although I think he will be a fantastic dad when it comes along.

He said that the baby would be sleeping in a separate room with the maternity nurse and would stay there when the maternity nurse leaves after 5 weeks. I rather cautiously mentioned that the current guidelines are that a baby sleeps in the same room as someone else for the first six months because of the risk of cot death. He said he didn't know that, but then went quiet on me, which means he was cross and wanted me to but out!

Some close friends of his who recently had a baby have had the baby in a separate room from birth and I think he just thinks that is what "everyone" does. I also think that he was probably annoyed that his big sister was trying to tell him how to bring up his baby. And I can see how that would be bloody irritating. I tried to back-track (e.g. it's your baby and obviously you can have it sleep wherever you want) but actually I do think he should at least make an informed decision.

I suppose it comes down to how much do you think it is reasonably to interfere in how others in your family bring up their children. Do you think I should have said something, or left it to the health visitor / midwife?

"She made sure my friend ate well, sat up with her all night when she was feeding her the baby, gave her (and me) lots of tips etc etc. She was there to help and advise"

What - and someone will pay £800 a week for that?

I suppose I come from all these things from a different angle. As an antenatal teacher I come at it from the position that parenting is a relationship, not a job; that most people have innate parenting skills and are able to care for their baby perfectly well themselves, as long as they have reasonable social support and realistic expectations of what life with a newborn is like. Books and 'experts' are fine - if you find that your own way of doing things isn't working for you and your baby then you can find things in books and get ideas from other parents that can help.

But when you first become a parent the process of 'feeling your way' with your new baby is a valuable one. You enter parenting in a spirit of receptiveness to learning about your individual baby's needs, preferably without someone else standing over you from the outset who'll influence your choices with their 'guidance' and 'advice'.

The issue of breastfeeding support is a different one and I'll concede that it helps to have ongoing support from another woman who's got experience of breastfeeding and has confidence in it. I wonder how many maternity nurses fall into this category though?

thank you both Bubbaluv and Hanaflower ... I now feel fully informed to join in the discussion!

Have you had negative expereinces with maternity nurses TTBB?
All expereinces expressed here seem to be positive. I'm sure that, in theory, it could be the omnipresent dictatorial situation you describe, (and I'm sure there are some awful nurses out there who would boss new mums around) but I think most people find that having the support and backup actually helps. And if they can afford it then why not? being able to pay for the support you need/want does not make you reptilian.

"And if they can afford it then why not? being able to pay for the support you need/want does not make you reptilian'.

People can do what they like.

Taking the burden off new parents is something I'm all for - hurray for cleaners, doulas, internet shopping, housekeepers, breastfeeding counsellors, ready meals, friends and grannies with an extra pair of loving arms etc, etc. But someone who's supposedly got £800 a week's worth of expertise at caring for newborns? Surely if you're going to get your money's worth you'd be expecting shed loads of advice and a fairly large amount of hands on baby-care for that sort of money? I'm just questioning if 'advice' and someone else handling their baby a lot is something parents really need when they're trying to get used to this new relationship.

And a number of people have said "Yes, it was really helpful".

The only two maternity nurses I know anything about are G F and Claire Verity.........

They are famous for being extreme. If they were normal we'd never have heard of them!

TTBB-I didn't say that she didn't get lots of hands on care and advice in addition to moral support and breastfeeding help. You implied earlier that a maternity nurse takes the baby and the mother doesn't then have to do anything. Just making the point that that isn't remotely true (although I am sure that some mothers do just hand the baby over which I don't think anyone here would agree with).
Not that I have to justify her choice, but she originally organised a maternity nurse as they thought her DH was going to be fighting in Iraq at that time. Luckily for all concerned he wasn't but they decided to keep on anyway and never regretted it.
Any maternity nurses around to defend themselves or are they all too busy looking after babies whilst the mother lounges in front of the TV eating chocolate or preparing herself for a night of clubbing?

By the way- congratulations on your new nephew OP!

Mine wasn't, once I got out of hospital and didn't have to wait till she was crying to wake up.

"The Platypus (Ornithorhynchus anatinus) is a semi-aquatic mammal"

I had c-sections for both of mine and they lived pretty much on me for the first few days in hospital as moving was a bit of a problem for me. Maybe that helped? Who knows. Anyway, I'm not trying to say anyone did or didn't do anything wrong, just that different things suit different people (and babies). I'm glad that having them close by worked for you. It just wasn't for me.

Yours wasn't what Tinker?

congrats on the new baby!
are you going to point them in this direction?

My heart was never racing when I woke up.

Sorry, you did mention pounding hearts earlier though. Maybe that was just being in hospital? I didn't really sleep at all in hospital, so no chance to be woken there. After three nights boy did I want to go home and go to sleep!

Whenever she wasn't close to me it would take me until she was crying to wake properly and being woken so rudely would set my heart racing and also left her in a state. When she was close enough that we didn't have to wake up to for her to feed we... well... didn't wake up.

You fed her in your sleep? Most impressive... I co-slept with ds for a little while and tried feeding him lying down. The result was milk all over the bed. Yuk! One reason why I preferred to feed him in another room I guess.

TinkerBellesMum, I've fed both of mine in my sleep too, you are not 100% asleep, but you are definately not awake either!!

Rather than tell db that he is intending to do things "against gov guidelines" why not ask questions instead?

Eg So SIL doesn't want to bf then?
What makes you think a maternity nurse is a good idea?

It's funny when you have a 4lber next to you and are a size H boob! I woke up one morning cause I could feel something wasn't right, she was doing baby bird impressions trying to reach my nipple and her face was white from where I'd dripped on her! I didn't do that too often, mostly was that not quite awake stage where you naturally move into position.

I always count my blessings that having a premature baby meant I had a lot of coaching and a week in a different hospital just after release gave me coaching in different areas - for example they had her sleeping on the cot with me rather than in the fishtank so that I could feed her better in the night and the nurses helped me to get the best position. Reading stories like Aitch's or just someone who has had a healthy term baby I realise how fortunate I was.

I think it's fair enough that you mentioned it, but at the end of the day it depends on them and the baby. Like Malory my DD was a really noisy sleeper and ended up in her own room by 3 weeks (with the HV's blessing). General consensus was that with her in

I feel for the brother, we all know what it's like as a new parent, you get BOMBARDED with contradictory advice, you come to it with your own prejudices "Baby will never sleep in my bed", etc. It completely does the head in. OP was fine to mention risks of separate sleeping but since he doesn't want advice, I'd keep opinions to myself, in future, as much as possible.

As an aside.. Why are they called maternity "nurses" when they have NO nursing qualifications??

When I was a child, I lived in the country, on a farm, in my late teens I moved into the city.

When I lived on the farm I never heard the chickens and ducks which were practically outside my bedroom window, but visitors used to comment on them. When I moved into the city I heard every car, van, lorry, bus and siren that drove within a mile of my flat. After a few weeks I became attuned to my new environment and the traffic noise didn't keep me awake at night.

My point is, all babies make noises in thier sleep (most adults do too) and as new mothers we hear every single breath. But after a few weeks we tune out the noises that are not important and only consiously hear the ones that matter, like feeding cues (smacking lips or grunting) or irregular breathing, coughing or vomiting. It's worth a few weeks of rubbish sleep as you get to know your baby to make sure that they are as safe and secure as possible.