To detest the term "Precious First Born" AKA "PFB" bandied about on MN with such a negative connotation

[susiecutiebananas]

Firstly as it implies that only your first baby is precious and all subsequent ones are dragged up... without the book

Secondly, that is used so negatively far too often and used against people who are actually, just concerned about their child, or about their parenting decisions- regardless of their place in the sibling queue. It simply is not relevant.

Lastly, the way that it is used so patronizingly. With the implication that just because you have only one child ( so far...) that you have no common sense or experience with regard to bringing up children.

OK, I know it is also used in an endearing way too. I just desperately dislike it. It really annoys me.

erm... that was all really!

Ah, makes sense, I was wondering if you had a good memory!

Well I personally HATE it as a term I appreciate that this is all about my insecurities but for those of who can't have any more children it is excrutiating being accused of this. I agree with sisie that it is a term often used to be negative about only children.

I don't think I was or am particularly PFBish about ds in many ways although I'm sure in some ways I am but to be perfectly honest the fear of being accused of this stops me posting for advice most of the time.

I did start a thread recently asking for advice because I was getting a bit desperate for help on dealing with ds's behaviuor but the fact is I'd have asked for help far sooner had I not felt I'd be judged as being too precious or unexperienced with my 'only' child. I didn't get any juggement for that in the end but the fear of it did stop me posting for a while.

Also the very negative and derogatory comments I have seen about only children, often made in jest but quite clearly reflecting a real view have have sent me away reeling with yet more guilt for the judgements ds will be subjected to for something he (or I for that matter) have no control over.

So on balance I'd prefer never to see the term PFB again but I accept that MN has many people on it and you can't think about every possible situation or how your words might be teken before you post and that it is often used in a jokey way that is not meant to offend.

i never realised people looked upon it as some sort of moral judgment on the child (or pfb if you will) themselves.

surely the phrase refers solely to mothers who act like they are the first person to ever bear child and think that they are made of glass and that everyone else in the world should be conscious of the fact that this little miracle of theirs takes preferences over all rights they may have.
so no driving to fast on the same motorway as me,don't park too close to my car as i may have a child emergency, nobody should be allowed smoke outdoors anymore not even in their own back garden as my child hates the smell, people in the supermarket should recognise the fact that i have a small child and leave the aisles free for me to shop safely and should be positively estatic that my wondefully creative child (i'm definitely thinking she could be the next great visionary of our time) has decided to paint them a lovely picture with tomato ketchup on the floor and is screaming wildly and expressing herself, and they should know that i have to be home in 5 minutes sharp to start her bath as her routine is terribly therapeutic to her so they should let me skip the checkout line etc

I don't think anyone says it's a bad thing per se. But it does exist and there are times when those suffering from a serious case of the condition and need to be gently shown the error of their ways . Apart from anything else excessive PFBism can be quite stifling for the child.

I think that PLB is also a recognised fact - I suffer from it and have constantly fight against my urge to treat a 5yr old like a baby

I kind of see the op's point of view but i can also see what people about PFB.

An example i have on someone with a PFB is when i used to go to this m&c group and their was a woman there who treated her son like he was incapable of doing anything himself. She used to sit there breaking up his sandwich for him and putting it his mouth (he was 18 mths old) whilst saying in the sickliest of baby voices "Do you want mummy to feed you your sandwich baby..."

The poor kid just sat there whilst she did this, he didn't have an illness or anything, he was a perfectly normal kid. Appently her house is full of pictures of her son, even in the toilet and he has every toy you could think of. I used to think she was very bizarre

But people who have ad more than one child recognise the PFB as we all had one. The baby that we took to the toilet because we wouldn't leave them for a second, all the mistakes etc.
It must be frustrating but it is understandable.

I never took mine to the toilet with me. Do people really do that?

I have beeen told that I am being PFB on here a few times (had to look it up at first ).

I was a tad upset but then decided to try and take it positively (although it was intended negatively)

I am happy to accept that I perhaps over worry about my DD but thats no bad thing, as long as I am healthy/ok too with that.

I agree that its meant negatively but if we embrace it it kind of erodes any negativity

Yes, I did.... take mine to toilet that is.

But isn't PFB generally used only where the child is (at that stage) an only child?

(and anyway, you are never as anal with subsequent children)

OMG, yes^!@Sparkle. I remember sobbing down the phone to my mum when DS was about a month old, wailing:...and the worst thing is, I I can't even go to the loo without him, mum! He just cries all^ the time.'

Why on earth didn't I just put him in his cot and let him cry for 2 mins, rather than balance a screaming, red faced newborn on my knee while I did a poo?

PFB!

Oh!

I still take mine both with me to the loo if I am on my own, in someplaces anyway, maybe that means I have a PFB and a PSB

Noonki. I mean in my own home!!

I took my baby to the toilet! But then I had all kinds of funny ideas about what I should do. I thought I was being neglectful if I left DD alone at all. Even if she was asleep I felt guilty if I went to get some food. I used to carry her around everywhere

Despite clearly being so very guilty myself I think the PFB thing is funny, and charming. Being PFB is normal, and then you go on and raise your NSC is because you have learned which corners to cut.

I don't really find the term annoying, it's quite funny sometimes, and people can laugh at themselves and each other in a nice way.

I've never really had any PFB moments, I must be ultimate slob mum lol Ds has mostly second-hand clothes, sleeps in the cot I had 22 years ago, and runs around getting very muddy most of the time. The only PFB thing I did was to write down times and amounts of milk he drank when he was little, but that was partly for practical reasons as he lost quite a bit of weight and I didn't know what I was doing with the whole bottle-feeding thing.

I've always wanted ds to be independent and haven't treated him like a precious little cotton-wool child, but then I'm the oldest of six so I had a bit of practice.

My poor PFB had a brother at 14 months and so he never really knew or could exploit his PFBness.

TeenyTiny - you've just reminded me of the food/sleep diary I used to keep for my PFB.

"11am - 6 oz of formula milk + 1/2 carrot, 1/3 apple & 1 oz EBM, pureed. Slept for 42 minutes."

....etc etc

PMSL

I bored myself into stopping eventually, I think.

I take mine to the loo with me.

At least she can sit now but I used to hold her. I don't mind, it was always manageable.

I kept a milk, sleep and grump diary (daily) until she was 6 months old. I got bored and stopped (shes now 8 months). It was a way of helping me to feel in control whilst my life was chaos in reality!

Am with janni and tortoiseshell on this one.
It's perfectly normal and correct to be like this with your first baby

Being a neurotic mum of a pfb is normal, but the pfb brigade I detest are the smug mothers.

I went to a first time mothers group a few times and no place has ever left me feeling more inadequate and cack-handed. Everyone was out-bragging each other. It was so unsupportive and very depressing.

I know that these same mothers are now out there (and I'm sure some are on mumsnet!) droning on about their g&t pfbs, and indeed their pSbs, and no doubt pFbs, as anyone with fewer than four children is clearly below par.

I think it is perfectly natural that people are neurotic mum's of pfbs. I hadn't had anything to do with babies so it was all a worry. They are the sensitive ones and hopefully are not put off asking for advice. I think it is the smug pfb types who are the irritating ones and probably don't recognise it. The ones who can't even let grandparents see the baby in the first 3 weeks because they need to 'bond'.(I am never sure how letting MIL visit stops the bonding). Later on they can't let them go on school trips because something might happen if they let go.

PFB, for me, is a term that indicates recognition - because I was, with ds1 (and, like Ghosty, I'm sure it was exacerbated by PND) the most extreme example of PFB motherhood - I nearly had a breakdown trying not to do anything wrong. I was completely loopy for about two years.

I have seen it used in a sneery and negative way on here - and that's less than helpful, but when used correctly - in a gentle and empathetic way - it can give a bit of perspective to someone who has got themselves in a total tizz about something which, in the grand scheme of things, is not that big a deal.

It's all about context - and, in the right context, I think it's really useful shorthand for a complex relationship.

It's not about any child being more 'precious' that another - all children are precious. My neighbour had six children, and the second youngest dd died of leukaemia when she was 18. I met her in the street afterwards and she said so many people had said things to her like "at least you have the others...they must be such a comfort," and she said "but they're not - I have an M-shaped hole in my life and I always will - and nothing can fill it."

twelvelegs - LOL!

well, apart from when they follow me

,

that's just weird!

But can nobody here see that the very term and how it has mostly been defined confines mother of only childre to the 'not really real mothers' category because "after all they only have one so can't possibly be considered a proper benign neglect type parent'

I personally try extremely hard not to be overly obssesed with ds. I did have pnd but I most certainly never worried about leaving him with my friends and family when he was a baby.

I breast fed him until he was 2 but also went out without him to dinner to celebrate my 40th birthday when he was 3 weeks old.

I had no problem with strangers cooing (and yes even touching him) as a baby . I also wasn't fussed about being in a room where someone had been smoking, though I did prefer people not to blow smoke over him of course

I was happy to pass him around my family (a bit like pass the parcel) when he was a newborn and even laughed when a small toddler tried to feed him chocolate cake at 2 months old (and actually succeeded somewhat)

I do worry about certain things about him but not others. Personally I think PFB just means 'You are worrying about something that I don't think it is valid to worry about'

Well I have one DS.

I have posted on here for much advice in the 2.5 years since he was born.

Noone has ever used the term PFB to me in a sneering, derogatory way. I've used it a couple of times about myself though!

When you post on here, you get a range of opinions and views. You take on board the ones that work for you, and ignore the others. And if someone is nasty, then you just tune them out.

It's a bit like life