To detest the term "Precious First Born" AKA "PFB" bandied about on MN with such a negative connotation

[susiecutiebananas]

Firstly as it implies that only your first baby is precious and all subsequent ones are dragged up... without the book

Secondly, that is used so negatively far too often and used against people who are actually, just concerned about their child, or about their parenting decisions- regardless of their place in the sibling queue. It simply is not relevant.

Lastly, the way that it is used so patronizingly. With the implication that just because you have only one child ( so far...) that you have no common sense or experience with regard to bringing up children.

OK, I know it is also used in an endearing way too. I just desperately dislike it. It really annoys me.

erm... that was all really!

Agree with you SM, that is a very strange thing to say BIWI.
I can honestly say I will care for my children equally and not regard any of them as 'spare' or 'disposable'.

well i think if you have one child you dont ever know whether there wonderfulness is due to your fantastic psarenting or not

if you have 6 children you dont know whether their wonderfulness is due tpo your fantastic parenting

I also don't see it as a 'put down' but rather a 'I understand you're worried, you honestly don't need to be, but we all worried about things like this with our first children' - a kind of understanding mixed with reassurance mixed with humour.

I was reminded the other day of a TERRIBLE bit of PFBishness from dh and myself - a friend came over recently and said she felt really bad about when she visited when ds1 was about 8 months, and she showed him where a piece went in his jigsaw tray thing (you know the sort with lift out pieces) and we said 'we are trying to let him work things out for himself, so please don't show him where they go.....'

I cringe like anything over this, because of course the human interaction was FAR more valuable than whether or not he saw her put the jigsaw piece in. So I hold my hands up and shout 'PFB moment'.

Oh its defiantly down to my fantastic parenting .. No doubt there

BIWI- of course there are the deranged posters amongst us < looks around > but not all mums with 1 child, who post about a fear or concern are deranged...

I realise that is not what you were saying, but, if it is your first child, it is far too often assumed that your worry is born from the fact that it is your first and you are overly precious about them. When actually, perhaps, you may have a really genuine concern, which would be the same, regardless of the number of childen you have. The latter point not being taken into account.

hmmm, maybe that doesn't make sense entirely, I do know what i'm trying to say though!

i have got too much going on to cast aspersions/ponder pfb about anyone else frankly

I have a friend who has one child. There was a school trip for their year, and said child and my (younger) child were going. This was in year 7, first year of secondary school. My friend was very worried and anxious about the whole trip. I was a bit more relaxed, having already gone through the whole experience with my older son.

I was trying to reassure her that they would be fine, and she actually said to me "it's because I only have the one child, he's so precious" or words pretty much to that effect.

Of course, having only one child means that they are very precious! But how is it that having more than one means that they are any less precious?

BIWI - it's the same with children conceived by IVF - the media always make out they are 'more wanted'. And when a tragedy happens to a child conceived in this way, there is the perception that it is worse, because of the manner of conception. Drives me mad. Like children conceived naturally are somehow more disposable.

Oh I understand your point now BIWI, it wasnt you saying that second children are 'spare' it was someone else.

I agree with you. All children are precious regardless of which order they are born

but are we talking about precious first borns or onlys here. cos they are not the same surely.

As I said above, I think PFBs cease to be PFBs when the NSC (neglected subsequent children) come along, and in ds1's case, become PITAs.

(I don't really mean that, he is lovely, but sometimes....)

tortoise- I know it is not always said as a put down, but more as a reassurance. HOnestly, I do see that

It just isn't always. It is often said in a condescending way, really it is. I've read it with my eyes and my brain.

When this is the case, it is not helpful. It's patronising.

To take you point too, if you are trying to say- don't worry, etc etc and reassure the poster, why is it necessary to even utter the words 'precious first born'.

Its surely about inexperience, especially your example, and nothing to do with overly preciousness is it?

What i think i'm trying to say is, whilst you may mean well, it doesn't often come across that way. I'm saying this as a witness to it's use, rather than someone whos had been "PFB'd"

Well Susie I don't really agree I don't think, at least not entirely.

I do think that simply dismissing a new parent is bad form and rude. Whether that is because they are asking a stupid question or because they are asking a question that is utterly ott and precious.

However, pfb behaviour is a beautiful, laughable thing. And strangely does not neccessarily only refer to actual PFBs (although obv most of the time it does).

Brilliant pfb behaviour isn't limited to new parents or those with only one child and it is great!

Parents who take their children to a&e when they get their first bruise (guilty ), who get excited and tell everyone their 6 week old can 'kiss' and 'talk' when in fact they can open their mouths and drool, parents who get insanely angry at enormous violent 2 year olds at p&T groups.

It is that slightly over the top involvement and immersion in their dc to the detriment of any perspective.

Now these parents are caring and concerned and should be given good advice when asked for, but very occasionally they should also be reminded of a bit of perspective.

And yes it is more common in families with only one child because when your very own pfb and now enormous, violent, toddler tries to cuddle your new baby you say 'ahhh now I geddit' and feel a bit sheepish. Least I did.

But most of all we are all a bit pfb about lots of things and we should celebrate it and have a good giggle about it!

Can an 'only' be a PFB? As technically they are not 'first' as there is no second.

Do you know what I mean?

lol slur
a bruise

PFB is a concept darhling, not limited by logic.

I know!!!

Slarty she had just learnt to roll and it was a hard lump on her ribs. We thought she broken one rolling on a toy.

Oh. The. Shame.

Am I overthinking this Slur?

You Jarrs? Never

Slarty- i'm not sure it makes any difference really, or does it?
Like I said earlier, surely all our childen are and will be, precious to us, regardless of how many we have, or are going to have.

I cannot say for sure that I will have another,I hope I will be able to. I do know that she will mean the same to me, until the day i die. She won't suddenly become more precious if I can't have another, as that does imply that once you have more than one, they are 'disposable' and not so important... Or will she become less precious if I have another 5 children.

I didn't like the term PFB until SIL stayed with her PFB, she took the meaning to the extreme!!!

slur

Seriously though - all are children precious Of COURSE.

But those mad insane moments of over parenting and being just too damn precious about things are being pfb, regardless of which number dc it is.

As an aside I know some very NSO examples of parenting from people with only one child.

well from talking to other parents, once their PFB leaves home for example, leaves the country etc., it is very hard, however neither they nor I can compare having one or have five iykwim