Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To detest the term "Precious First Born" AKA "PFB" bandied about on MN with such a negative connotation

176 replies

susiecutiebananas · 20/09/2008 22:32

Firstly as it implies that only your first baby is precious and all subsequent ones are dragged up... without the book

Secondly, that is used so negatively far too often and used against people who are actually, just concerned about their child, or about their parenting decisions- regardless of their place in the sibling queue. It simply is not relevant.

Lastly, the way that it is used so patronizingly. With the implication that just because you have only one child ( so far...) that you have no common sense or experience with regard to bringing up children.

OK, I know it is also used in an endearing way too. I just desperately dislike it. It really annoys me.

erm... that was all really!

OP posts:
PersephoneSnape · 20/09/2008 23:28

i thought it meant 'perfect fucking baby'. . hoorah! I've learned something!

FabioHungoverNoShoutingPlease · 20/09/2008 23:30

lol at tortoiseshell's jigsaw guidance

chipmonkey · 20/09/2008 23:32

Oh dear, susie, I do see your point but I have to say the last 3 children I had are being dragged up! With ds1 I used to sterilise dummies!

chipmonkey · 20/09/2008 23:33

btw, susie, your dd is gorgeous and you are superb at taking photos!

Original poster
susiecutiebananas · 20/09/2008 23:33

that should say nor will she become less precious if I have another 5.

I do totally take your points Slur. Of course I do.

Its not these things that i'm referring to particularly. It really is the way that it is not seen as great, as lovely, as warm and fuzzy. That it is used patronizingly, unhelpfully.

Why not dispose of the rolling eyes ah PFB almost dismissive undertone ( perhaps actually overtones) that it denotes, often, when used.

Just a simple, helpful post giving advise and the benefit of experience and wisdom is enough, without the " oh, just wait until you have 3 < rolls eyes on floor> connotation often inferred.

Am i making sense? I'm wondering if i'm putting my point across adequately!

OP posts:
chipmonkey · 20/09/2008 23:36

X posts susie!

I have to say, I do have a special place in my heart for ds1 because he was my pfb and I was so bowled over by how much I loved him and how my world changed when he was born.

Original poster
susiecutiebananas · 20/09/2008 23:38

oh thank you very much Chirpmoney! They are a bit old now. I've not updated them. She's got a wild mass of strawberry blonde and red flame curls now. which are sadly growing into a self styled mullet. bless her.

Her hair matches her temperament far too perfectly

OP posts:
beanieb · 20/09/2008 23:41

Am yet to get my PFB, but I will hopefully take with good grace the comments RE my precious baby. Or strop, or something. Maybe first time mumsnetters who are seriously lost should be cut some slack and not suffer the wise pnes?

Original poster
susiecutiebananas · 20/09/2008 23:41

I cannot in all honesty say that isobel is not being dragged up and I have not got the excuse of a few others 'floating around'

Sorry, I seem to have called you chirpmoney in error... I must type names more carefully... I actually called Slur a slut once sorry!

OP posts:
chipmonkey · 20/09/2008 23:43

Thats OK susie, when I was 3 I sang Chirpa Chirpa Cheep Cheep all the way from Kildare to Donegal so not wholly inappropriate!

chipmonkey · 20/09/2008 23:44

Slur is a slut though, isn't she?

S1ur · 20/09/2008 23:49

Yeah I really am

here a separate thread to confess those pfb moments And be safe in knowledge that it is the giggle worthy silliness that is required not the patronising dismissal of new parents.

lovelysongbird · 20/09/2008 23:51

i call myself pfb ish all the time because i am.

but what really bugs is when my mum, tries to make out i don't know what im doing because i only have one.
if i disagree with her about anything.

she will also go well i have had 3, ina sneering well you can have your views when you have had 3 or more until then they are not as valid as my views.

any ideas how to shut her up?

Original poster
susiecutiebananas · 20/09/2008 23:58

Use the same patronizing tone on her whilst you say " we do things differently these days Mum, and it does our children no harm"....
In the same way as she says " well that is what we did in our day and it didn't do any of you any harm"

It does work

OP posts:
lovelysongbird · 21/09/2008 00:02

susie thanks.
i could also say, oh dear thats what happens when you get older isn't it, your memory gets a bit fuddled oh dear nevermind lets get you a nice cuppa

skydancer1 · 21/09/2008 00:37

I also have many embarrassing memories of being overly precious with my DS (yes, out of ours doctors once for a cold, A & E for a rash but at the same time I don't think I was that bad. I had to leave a parent and child group I was in due to what I saw as some intense preciousness, such as one mum insisting we only spoke about what joy our child had brought to us - she thought that anything difficult or annoying expressed about being a mother was too negative. Then it was all militant attachment parenting stuff (BTW I'm all for AP but not militant!) so there was the prejudice about using a pram rather than a sling (I have a bad back) and pitying/horror looks at me bottle-feeding (couldn't breast feed despite huge efforts - long story), shock that I let my child slurp a bit of cold tea from my cup etc. etc (mind you these breast-feeders were hitting the coffee and chocolate hard I thought! Lucky babies ). Ended up feeling like a monster! Not only that, I subjected my poor child to all these nasty vaccinations from fatal or horrible diseases. Couldn't stand the deeply boring absorption in being perfect mothers to perfect babies puritanicalness.

ShyBaby · 21/09/2008 00:52

I think I am actually more "pfb" with dd (my second).

Ds was so awful with his asthma when he was little, I have become overprotective of her (them). It doesn't take much to make me panic about her these days, maybe because at her age ds was so poorly!

ghosty · 21/09/2008 00:58

I think it is a funny term. My DD is definitely being dragged up without a book ...
DS was a GF baby and I was obsessed and completely MAD. By the time DD was born I had had a ritual 'Book Burning' and was so much more relaxed and nicer to live with.

DD is no less precious ... of course not. She is as precious. I don't call her NSC (Neglected Subsequent Child) do I?

chipmonkey · 21/09/2008 01:05

My Mum said sneeringly "You'd think I'd never raised a child@ when I was telling her all about how to look after ds3 while I went away for 2 days.
To which I replied, "yes Mum, you have raised 4 children but you haven't raised ds3, have you?"
Which she hadn't and I swear to God, I challenge anyone to raise ds3 because I'm not sure I can!"

S1ur · 21/09/2008 01:07

But the NSC thing is funny too.

It is funny because we are laughing about extremes of behaviour, here on a parenting website it is likely that no one is really that bad either way.

They might be a bit bonkers about sterilising or tv or hygiene or dogs or crayons or whatever

or

They might be a bit slack about sterilising or tv or hygiene or dogs or crayons or whatever

but on the whole they are trying their best.

Which means we can all giggle when sane sensible parents have these extreme pfb moments or disasterous nsc moments.

A good NSC often involves eating pet food or decorating the walls with lipstick.

spinspinsugar · 21/09/2008 01:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BitOfFun · 21/09/2008 01:18

OK, I haven't read much past the OP, but my thoughts are that here on MN the PFB notion makes me smile with recognition - it isn't (usually) intended to be sneery, and helps us remember that our lovely dcs can usually survive any moments of slack mumness we sometimes unavoidably throw at them : for this I am very grateful to MN, it does you good to laugh at yourself sometimes!

Oblomov · 21/09/2008 01:32

I don't like the term. I think it is negative and derogatory.
I don't think I was that 'precious' about ds. Not initially.
Then, he became a toddler. And I couldn't get him to do what I wanted. He wasn't the son , which equalled, the family I thought I would have. Oh the shame, when I think back to my posts, on MN, then.

But I never wrote 15 pages of instructions. Or took him to A&E over petty things.
Some of the things people do/ the threads, with ... babies, really shock me.

S1ur · 21/09/2008 01:38

How come shocked Ob? Could you explain please?

I realise the a&e thing is embarrassing and shameful but it is precisely because you care a lot and also don't know much about tiny creatures that these things arise.

Which I think is okay and mostly needs advice, sometimes a wakeup call and afterwards a chuckle.

Oblomov · 21/09/2008 01:49

oh sorry slur, didn't mean to be offensive.
I mean, when I think back, god I was so ... didn't have a clue what I was doing, stumbling around in the dark.
But, at the same time, I was quite relaxed. Maybe becasue I love and trust my mum, so much, you know, in the first few weeks, dh and I went out, for a meal. and I didn't really leave my mum any instructions at all. A few, he is feeding at ... he does... not ... and we were off.
But maybe I am just blessed with having a fab mum - I can appreciate that.