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Original poster

To detest the term "Precious First Born" AKA "PFB" bandied about on MN with such a negative connotation

176 replies

susiecutiebananas · 20/09/2008 22:32

Firstly as it implies that only your first baby is precious and all subsequent ones are dragged up... without the book

Secondly, that is used so negatively far too often and used against people who are actually, just concerned about their child, or about their parenting decisions- regardless of their place in the sibling queue. It simply is not relevant.

Lastly, the way that it is used so patronizingly. With the implication that just because you have only one child ( so far...) that you have no common sense or experience with regard to bringing up children.

OK, I know it is also used in an endearing way too. I just desperately dislike it. It really annoys me.

erm... that was all really!

OP posts:
lottiejenkins · 21/09/2008 12:10

Neither did the rules apply to my eldest son....... he only lived for two hours.

AbbeyA · 21/09/2008 12:10

No one is saying that subsequent babies aren't precious! Perhaps it would be better if it was called precious mother of the first baby!

AbbeyA · 21/09/2008 12:12

Sorry to hear that lottie, they are all very precious it is just that first time mothers are very often OTT, I know that I was!

BoysAreLikeDogs · 21/09/2008 12:14

lottie

lovelysongbird · 21/09/2008 12:26

oh lottie so sorry for your loss

surprise · 21/09/2008 12:27

haven't read the whole thread, but it did make me think of something that I find really irritating. When parents of IVF babies say "it took so long to get him so he's really special." So my children aren't special? Grrrrr!

SoupDragon · 21/09/2008 13:26

Actually SusieB I have read the whole thread. The term PFB has nothing whatsoever to do with how actually precious the child is to the parent at all - that would be ridiculous. If you think this then yes, you have misunderstood the phrase.

My behaviour was far more precious with DS1 than any of the subsequent Dragons. I did only realise most of these moments when bring up NSC1 (DS2). I had no previous experience of babies whatsoever so of course I was an utter loon with no common sense - I followed the perceived "rules".

FluffyMummy123 · 21/09/2008 13:33

Message withdrawn

ayecod · 21/09/2008 13:38

yes, but ivf are more wanted in many cases.
not all but many

TinkerBellesMum · 21/09/2008 13:48

"yes, but ivf are more wanted in many cases."

Agree and going through something like I have, losing a baby late in pregnancy then having to spend every pregnancy after holding on for a good date also makes you more aware of the value of what you have. Before anyone says that all parents value their children, let me explain this:

My first daughter didn't cry, Tink didn't for a couple of weeks. When Tink started to cry that sound was amazing to me!

My first daughter didn't breastfeed, it took 17 days before I could breastfeed Tink, when she had a three day nurse-in (45mins on, 15 off) it was the most amazing thing in the world.

My first daughter never wore a nappy, I didn't see Tink naked for a week, changing her nappies made me very proud.

When I hear parents complaining about crying, breastfeeding, nappies and all the other "downsides" of babies I don't understand it, those moments are so special.

However, as far as the thread is concerned, I can't say that I am precious with Tink, she's very precious to me but I'm not precious. I've adopted the lazy parenting style and make decisions based on what the laziest possible choice is

Grumpalina · 21/09/2008 13:58

I haven't read the whold of this thread but I was thinking about this the other day. I don't really have a problem with the term PFB unless it is said in an unkind sneering way of course but that's the same with alot of phrases. I actually think it can be quite helpful at times to get someone to realise that that their behaviour, concerns etc are a bit unreasonable regarding a PFB especially when they are at the detriment of someone elses child.

Anyway what I was thinking the other day is that I am possibly a bit more PFB about second (and always to be youngest) DS2. He has just started reception and I have had huge worries about lots of things (ie should he go to breakfast club/after school club, will he mix, will he have friends etc etc) that I didn't worried less about with DS. Possibly it's because I always see him as my little baby and DS1 was always a lot more self sufficient and was never a cuddley child (although I think he wants to be but that a whole different thread!).

I don't know what it is but i was wondering if anyone else had had the same?

Agree re comments over ivf babies but Ayecod can't se how even if they were more 'wanted' and I would suggest what you actually mean that more effort was put into their arrival that they would be more loved.

Original poster
susiecutiebananas · 21/09/2008 14:02

Oh soupy You have misunderstood me, completely

That was not what I was saying. My OP did mention that, as a point. Of course it's ridiculous to suggest that not all of our DCs are precious. I wasn't saying that was what everyone says. I went on to elaborate a little more in subsequent posts.

I obviously haven't got my point across well, to you anyway.

I have said a few times its the way it's used against posters with one child. It is, often here. Not in the endearing way it ought to be, not in the gentle help, advice giving manner.But almost as a slight on the poster for having a worry about their DC.

Oh, btw, I nearly fell over when you addressed me a SusieB. I couldn't think how you knew my sir name. Did you know me in RL... then I realized you were using the B for bananas..

Anyway, i started this thread last evening when I was feeling quite happy and strong. TOday, i'm feeling utterly shite again. Horrible problems with DH in RL.( but thats a whole other thread, which I don't have the strength to post) So not really up to the debate today. I am sorry.

OP posts:
tortoiseshell · 21/09/2008 14:02

I don't think IVF babies ARE more wanted, (I mentioned further up the thread about IVF babies being regarded as 'more special) - I actually think that is quite insulting to parents who conceive naturally.

Because, the implication is that, if you conceived naturally, then it 'doesn't matter so much if you lose one because you can always have another'. Or just because you didn't have to try so hard or wait so long for a baby, you can't possibly 'want' the baby so much. It's rubbish. And I think making a judgement about individuals regarding how much they 'want' a baby or how 'precious' that baby is, is wrong.

ayecod · 21/09/2008 14:03

1, accidenatal baby
2, ivf baby.

is it rocket science to figure out who was the most wanted/loved?

Original poster
susiecutiebananas · 21/09/2008 14:09

Utter rubbish ayecod. Can't believe you could even suggest it tbh!

A baby that has not been planned, at the time it comes along, and I stress at the time- often 'accidental' babies have been discussed as part of the aspirations of the couple but just pop up earlier than expected. It does not make them less wanted or loved. If that were the case, the mother has the option to terminate.

SImply because it may have been easier to conceive does not make a baby more, or less loved.

I have a friend who's 1st DD was IVF, and fell pg again very quickly with her 2nd ( DS) he is no more loved or less loved than her DD. What a ridiculous thing to suggest!

OP posts:
Grumpalina · 21/09/2008 14:10

They may not have been equally 'wanted' when at the moment of conception but I cannot see how the ivf baby becomes more loved!! Neither of mine were planned but I sometimes when I look at them I am almost reduced to tears by how much I love them made worse for those teeny tiny seconds/minutes when I considered not having them.

tortoiseshell · 21/09/2008 14:19

Well what about my friend who had failed IVF and then conceived naturally the following month? Is that baby less wanted/loved?

And actually I am really upset by the idea that ds1,dd or ds2 are considered 'less precious or wanted'.

TinkerBellesMum · 21/09/2008 14:38

I don't think the IVF comment was meant the way it sounded, having gone through what I have I could see the point that was being made. It's not about them being more wanted or loved or valued, but when you have been through a lot to get your child you have a different appreciation of them. I'm sure the same is true of parents who have gone through multiple miscarriages or struggled to conceive or spent every pregnancy trying to keep their baby inside them.

A MW joked to me yesterday that I seem to always be there, it was my 7th appointment in 12 weeks and this is not having many appointments, it's about to go up to three a week. I'm aware that every scan, even when it's three a week, could be the end. With Tink I had a scan in the morning, all was fine and had to be rushed in in the afternoon in labour, I was 31 weeks.

I know the first time I got pregnant I thought I was invincible, I was pregnant and going to have a baby in 7 months (I found out late). The second time I thought I just had to get into the second trimester. I've already said what happened the third time.

AbbeyA · 21/09/2008 15:33

I think that people have joined in without reading the whole thread! No one is saying that one baby is more precious than another! People with IVF may have had to wait longer and try harder but I don't think you can say that your baby is more precious than someone who got pregnant first time with no hassle!!
They are all precious. It is poking gentle fun (in a kind way I hope)at the mothers who are over protective and smothering of their first baby. I put myself here-I hadn't a clue and life revolved around my baby. Once I had more I relaxed, the babies had to fit in with life and I think I was a much better mother! There is a really funny thread running at the moment by people looking back at their PFB when they did things like write 8 pages of notes for their MIL or the nursery!!!

AbbeyA · 21/09/2008 15:35

I suggest people actually read the whole thread not just the last few comments.

TinkerBellesMum · 21/09/2008 15:47

I suggest, especially if that comment was aimed at me, that you don't be so patronising and condescending.

kittywise · 21/09/2008 15:54

Have only read op but I would say that people should lighten up. Most people are complete nightmares regarding their first babies. mostly because they haven't got a clue about parenting.
Its called learning on the job

AbbeyA · 21/09/2008 17:04

Sorry-I just thought the whole thread was supposed to be very light hearted and not one that could become contentious.

tortoiseshell · 21/09/2008 17:06

Threads can go any way. Just as a conversation can.

chipmunkswhereareyou · 21/09/2008 21:28

My ds was IVF and then had a close call at birth which means we are very lucky to have him.

Do I think I love him more than people who haven't been through this....no not at all.

I do however think that sometimes when all my antenatal group were complaining about the trickier side of newborns, I felt a bit different as I was just so damn grateful to have him that I didn't want to complain.

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