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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder why people argue about SAHM and Working mums and which one do most people opt to be

83 replies

2beornot2be · 18/09/2008 15:51

Just wondering I keep hearing about the arguements not actually seen one and was wondering why people argue about it. So which one is better and why??

OP posts:
tamarto · 18/09/2008 15:57

The best one is the one that suits you and your family best.

sandy4 · 18/09/2008 15:57

I've done both but I LOVE being a SAHM, studying for a degree, which is what I'm doing now.

Wouldn't say is 'better' than going 'out' to work though, depends what makes you happy imo.

Lizzylou · 18/09/2008 15:59

Am just about to enter back into the world of work.
I loved being a SAHM, but I started getting bored and wanted to earn my own money again.
Now, if I could be a SAHM with unlimited funds (and friends in same position) that would be my ideal!

sclubheaven · 18/09/2008 15:59

people argue about it because whatever you do someone will judge you. So it becomes 'them and us'.

As tamarto says, the best one is whatever suits you and yours.

Niecie · 18/09/2008 16:02

It seems to me that the WOHM think the SAHM have let the feminist side down and should be out there taking their place in the workplace.

SAHM don't like being thought of as letting the side down and just think they are doing the best for their families.

In reality a lot of women do both at some point in their children's lives and you have to do what you think is right for you and your family at the time.

But then there are issues with the standard of pre-school care for children in this country and the cost of child care in general.

I think that this might well start another argument. But then I love a good SAHM/WOHM bun fight.

conniedescending · 18/09/2008 16:03

well I work from home which is harder than sahm and wohm

not sure there are any prizes given out though in this motherhood malarky

Original poster
2beornot2be · 18/09/2008 16:05

So conniedescending your a SAHWM lol

OP posts:
jojostar · 18/09/2008 16:06

When my husband left me I gave up work and stayed at home with my children then 3 1/2yr and 7mths because I wanted them to feel stable and know I was there at all times.I was a lone parent on benefit for about 2 1/2 years and although it was at times boring (no internet then) I loved being a SAHM I then due largely to pressure from others thought i'd better try some work but missed my children horribly and thought I'd rather do without and reclaimed. Now my new dh and I have our business I'm very lucky because I get the best of both worlds. I can go to work if I want to and help or stay at home if I don't. I have never really understood women who have children and then go to work from 7am- 6pm and their children are in a childminder from a very early age saying that I am NOT ( before I get a shit load of abuse) opposed to women who work full time and I know an hr of quality time is better than time mis-spent. but I sometimes wonder why did you have them?

mrswoolf · 18/09/2008 16:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

conniedescending · 18/09/2008 16:18

yes 2b i guess so
jack of all, master of none

TheInvisibleManDidIt · 18/09/2008 16:22

when my dc were babies/ toddlers i worked in teh evenings so i was there for them all day, they never missed me as they were in bed while i worked.

When ds1 started school and ds2 was in nursery I changed to shift work. I either work days (start early, dh takes them to school) and get home the same time they get in from school, or nights, and I'm home before the get up.

Very occasionally I have to work in the evenings (maybe once or twice every 6 weeks) and I have a lovely childminder that watches them in our own house.

Basically I'm almost always here when they are, and work when they're out or are sleeping. Think i get best of both worlds.

sarah293 · 18/09/2008 16:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

TheOldestCat · 18/09/2008 16:23

To answer the OP, because some women judge others without knowing their circumstances or walking a mile in their shoes.

Can't stand the 'why did they have children?' query. Oh, just for fun and so I can fund the local nursery!

gabygirl · 18/09/2008 16:24

I have three children and work part time since my eldest was born. I have not used child care since my second was born - I work around dh's hours so that there is always a parent at home.

I didn't work for several reasons: namely that I couldn't afford good quality childcare (well, I could, but it wouldn't be worth me working for the money I'd have left over after paying for my children to be looked after), secondly that I think the quality of my family life would suffer, and last (but not least) I think that very small children (under 3's) are generally better off being cared for by someone who loves them.

Both my SIL and BIL work f/t and have an 8 month old and a 3 year old. They have loads of cash but are so stessed most of the time with all the pressure on them. I look at their family life and it confirms to me that I did the right thing. They don't really have much of a choice though - SIL is bored by her children and became postnatally depressed when she was on maternity leave from having to spend all day with them. She's much happier just seeing them for a couple of hours before bed time. I think they're better off with a childminder than being with a mum who rather be doing something else.

gabygirl · 18/09/2008 16:27

Oh - and in answer to the OP, some of us feel very strongly that children should be put at the centre of decisions about how families are run. I appreciate that some families have to work f/t for financial reasons but I don't necessarily think it's a great thing for tiny children to have to do long hours in nursery.

jojostar · 18/09/2008 16:31

I ask myself why some mums have children because they are not there with them all day they are at work. if your dropping a baby off at 7am at a childminder and it stays there til 6pm and then is tucked up in bed for 7.30pm I wondered whats the point? I never said I didnt agree with the choices others make or why they make them. I just wondered what they got from it?
Riven well said

daftpunk · 18/09/2008 16:34

being a sahm is best (for me) ...but i don't judge, although i honestly don't know how women combine a full time job with raising kids? it must be so hard.

CatIsSleepy · 18/09/2008 16:35

jojostar, what do you think most men that work full time get from having children?

pagwatch · 18/09/2008 16:36

I've done both.

Never understand why people get defensive or superior.
tis bollox. Do what make you andthose you love the happiest

palaver · 18/09/2008 16:36

ditto wot pagewatch said

daftpunk · 18/09/2008 16:38

how do you know if a 6 month old baby is happy in full time daycare?

scaryteacher · 18/09/2008 16:39

I've done both, currently SAHM, but if I moved back to UK, would work again. I have enjoyed both equally and what I did suited my family and I at different times.

crokky · 18/09/2008 16:40

Mothers are all different

Children are all different

Families/jobs/the whole lot are all different.

We all have a totally different combination of the above and take the best decision that we can.

Idiotic to think that we should all be doing the same thing!

jojostar · 18/09/2008 16:42

I get your point but unfortunatly there isnt a real argument on whether men should work or stay at home its just sort of expected that fathers do work full time even in this day and age. What do they get who knows probably whatever they put in like everyone else. I just don't understand why a woman would want a baby and then not see it for most of the day?

StellaDallas · 18/09/2008 16:42

Wot Scaryteacher said. In eleven years of parenting I've tried most arrangements and I am still the same person and my children are not noticeably different from each other although they had very different childcare experiences.