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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder why people argue about SAHM and Working mums and which one do most people opt to be

83 replies

2beornot2be · 18/09/2008 15:51

Just wondering I keep hearing about the arguements not actually seen one and was wondering why people argue about it. So which one is better and why??

OP posts:
Original poster
2beornot2be · 18/09/2008 17:03

Why is it always put on the women to do either??
Is there any WOHM that are the breadwinners in there family and there DH's/ DP's stay at home and look after the children

OP posts:
palaver · 18/09/2008 17:07

there are a number of mumsnetters who are the major wage earner, some with SAHD.

StewiesMom · 18/09/2008 17:17

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GobbledigookisThrifty · 18/09/2008 17:21

I agree with connie - work at home mothers have it toughest

Actually - I think I have teh best of both worlds but it wouldn't work for everyone adn that's what's good about the world - we are all different!

pagwatch · 18/09/2008 17:24

and actually when one of us needed to stay at home Dh and I had long discussion about which of us would.
We agreed on him because frankly he was much much more likely to earn substantial salary than me. And I wanted to have some time with the children. But it was discussed not at all assumed

hecate · 18/09/2008 17:26

I think some people get angry when others make a choice that is different from their own because instead of recognising that it is simply someone else making their own choices for their life based on their situation and their preferences, they interpret it as an intentional personal criticism of their own choices.

If you do X you are saying that Y is wrong, I do Y so you are saying that I am wrong. How dare you attack me in this manner.

WouldYouCouldYouWithAGoat · 18/09/2008 17:27

arse

Original poster
2beornot2be · 18/09/2008 17:28

so the mixture from "both sides" is basically what you feel best for yourself and your family.

I did see a thread about a WOHM that felt guilty for working or was made to feel guilty is this an all round feeling as I don't see why they would??

OP posts:
hecate · 18/09/2008 17:29

Oh, there is also the arrogance of
I do X so X is the only choice a reasonable person could make, if you make any other choice you are clearly not a reasonable person, because if you were, you would agree with me, because my choices are the only valid ones in life....

hecate · 18/09/2008 17:30

Who you calling an arse?

Claire236 · 18/09/2008 17:35

I would say 2 peoples posts illustrate why there are arguments. Niecie & Jojostar. Why have children & work jojostar. My options are work & have children or work & don't have children. Not working isn't an option & I would still work even if it was although probably not full-time. Niecie you cannot possibly say all working mums think anything anymore than I would say all SAHM think one particular thing about working mums. We're all people & deserve better than to be pigeon holed into either working or stay at home mums.

MsSparkle · 18/09/2008 17:36

I don't understnad the argument either. I mean surely no one is a SAHM or a Working mum forever because situations change.

For instance, someone could be a SAHM for 2 years and then go back to work after? Or work when the kids go to school? I don't think there are many people who are SAHMs their whole lives? No ones situation is the same forever because your circumstances changes all the time.

So no i don't get the argument. It's never as black and white as what it's painted out to be on MN because everyones circumstances are different and i'm sure everyone is just doing what they think is right for them at the time?

WouldYouCouldYouWithAGoat · 18/09/2008 17:37

i find arse is theonly response i can summon to these thread.

pagwatch · 18/09/2008 17:38

is it me - am I an arse !

me me me. Is it me?

pagwatch · 18/09/2008 17:38

damn
the thread as a whole then

nooka · 18/09/2008 17:39

Actually I think that people get angry mainly when somebody else casts aspersions about them because of their family's choices (ie working parents shouldn't really have children, because they aren't there all the time). But yes of course many of us wonder if we have got it right because it is difficult to find a balance between your own life and interests, your children's well being and the daily grind. Anything that is perceived as being out of the ordinary gets more negative attention, so if you see SAHMs as the default you will be more critical of WOHMs and vice versa. As I work alongside many other parents, I think parents that work are the norm, and I am lucky enough to be in a workplace where both women and men can work but also have enough flexibility to be there for important events in their children's lives, and even for many to do things like take them to school, or care for them one day a week. Now I have been a SAHM for the last six months I can see some benefits in terms of being there to help with the stacks of homework they now have, and generally be more present, but to be honest it has also been the most boring time in my life. However that does not mean I think that people who choose to be SAHMs would have the same experience as me. I am sure they don't (I certainly hope not!).

nooka · 18/09/2008 17:41

Ah, hecate I see that's what you were saying too I should write shorter snappier posts!

WouldYouCouldYouWithAGoat · 18/09/2008 17:43

you can be an arse if you really want to pagwatch? you big arse you.

TheNaughtiestGirlKeepsaSecret · 18/09/2008 17:50

Yeah I don't know why people get cross about other poeple's choices.

I mean, you wouldn't walk up to somebody and say, no way are you wearing those shoes with that bag..

I think it is the media who try to turn women against women and stir up an imagined battle.. so that they can sell more newspapers.

Don't lets fall for it.

Niecie · 18/09/2008 18:17

Claire236 - I don't think all WOHM think SAHM are letting the side down but on the whole the WOHM who seem to have a problem with SAHM are those who repeatedly say that they work because they want to be a good role model, whatever that may be, like being a SAHM is not a good role model. This naturally makes SAHM defensive.

But that is exactly it, you have made a sweeping generalisation about my opinion of WOHM when I was merely saying that the argument of those who want to make it an argument, is to do with feminist ideals which is what the OP asked. She didn't ask for everybody's opinions on WOHM/SAHM but the reason why it was such a contentious area.

I also said people should live and let live and we make the right choices for our own families. I don't judge WOHM and I don't expect to be judged by them either.

PrimulaVeris · 18/09/2008 18:20

Hmm. I work part time outside home, with some working at home too.

Yet as I am at school gates and with dc's in afternoons, many assume I'm a SAHM.

So what am I?!!!

StewiesMom · 18/09/2008 18:23

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ForeverOptimistic · 18/09/2008 18:25

Neither is better, it depends on individual circumstances.

I am currently a SAHM, in a few years I am planning to go back to university full time and do a little freelance work and after my degree I expect I will be working full time.

There is no right or wrong when it comes to parenting!

sarah293 · 18/09/2008 18:32

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ajm200 · 18/09/2008 18:42

Does it really matter. Each to their own..