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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wonder why people argue about SAHM and Working mums and which one do most people opt to be

83 replies

2beornot2be · 18/09/2008 15:51

Just wondering I keep hearing about the arguements not actually seen one and was wondering why people argue about it. So which one is better and why??

OP posts:

Elkat · 18/09/2008 19:28

I work part time, so most of these arguments tends to not apply to me.

But I think the arguments tend to go a bit like this...

SAHMs say something along the lines of 'I stay at home as I believe that it is best for the child to be with a loving parent'. The Working mums then interpret that as 'I am giving my child a better start in life than yours or... you are giving your child an inferior start in life.

Or it kicks off the other way... and the working mums say something along the lines of 'I couldn't possibly stay at home all day, I would get bored, or I couldn't give up my career...' This is then interpreted by the SAHMs as 'You're thick' or 'I have a more superior brain / career / life than you SAHM, and so then they get all defensive. and bang the whole thing goes off.

Then us part time mums are left in the middle wondering which camp we fit into??

I think thats it in a nutshell

hecate · 18/09/2008 19:33

halfbrained?

Ewe · 18/09/2008 19:42

Many women are left by there partners forcing them to go back to work earlier than they would have liked leaving the baby in FT childcare (like me, btw!).

My alternative is going on benefits, but people tend not to like Mothers doing that either. As a lone parent, you really can't win!

eekamoose · 18/09/2008 19:44

Perfectly put Elkat. Your post should be cut and pasted into some sort of holding pot and posted repeatedly everytime this tedious old subject comes up.

You have indeed said it in a nutshell .

I think its all fine EXCEPT for children who hardly get to see their parents during the week. Ie both partners working full time very long hours. I just don't buy the argument that this enables the parents to be fulfilled and the dcs to have every material luxury. The priorities are completely skewed there and I can't help but be judgemental on that.

groovychick2 · 18/09/2008 19:50

"Look atwww.mumsnet.com/Talk/67/608715"

jojostar · 18/09/2008 19:55

eekamoose your last paragraph thats exactly what I was saying. i love being a sahm and i asked a question that everyone assumes is a go at working mums. i really couldnt give a rats arse on whether mums went to work stayed at home or flew to the moon everyday. I just wanted a reasonable answer on why have a baby then go back to work straight away? (within 8wks)leaving their child for hrs and hrs, without every working mother being up in arms and taking offense....

OrmIrian · 18/09/2008 20:03

Most argument on this subject start because, as with almost every area of parenting, few people feel 100% secure about what they do. So it only takes one word out of place to get hackles up and then the insults start flying.

findtheriver · 18/09/2008 20:05

Oh this is so dull.
People make the best choice they can within the limitations of their situation at any particular time.
And PLEASE can we get away from referencing this to mothers all the time. Much better to think in terms of working PARENTS or stay at home PARENTS.
In answer to the last part, most parents work.

OrmIrian · 18/09/2008 20:05

And it that isn't true, don't ask me, because for the life of me i don't see why anyone would choose to critisise another parent for anything less than neglect or child abuse. Which means that perhaps MN isn't the place for me...

jojostar · 18/09/2008 20:09

i think on mn people obviously just read what they want to see when you post rather then what you have posted its pissing me off and to be honest i really can't be arsed with it.

TsarChasm · 18/09/2008 20:09

I had no idea it was an 'ishoo' until I read mn.

But I don't have strong feelings about what other people do. Everyone does what they think is best for them. I'd never criticise how someone else gets through the week and it amazes me that anyone would tbh.

sarah293 · 18/09/2008 20:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

findtheriver · 18/09/2008 20:14

At the end of the day, people are lucky if they have a choice

StewiesMom · 18/09/2008 20:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

peacelily · 18/09/2008 20:44

Nothing wrong with being a SAHM but they are fortunate to have a choice. Most parents have to both work to pay the mortgage/put food on the table/clothe the kids.

You can get work that fits better around family life as well, franchises/work from home opps there are all sorts of opportunties.

I'd love to work 3 days (currently do 4) but am doing MSc at mo so will re-evaluate financial situation after that.

It's a difficult decision for any family but for most I feel is governed very much by finances, childcare is hard work too tho and just as valid as any other type of work. Am a bit the way some women never go back to work even when their dcs are in school. Know I'll get slated for that but that's my opinion.

georgimama · 18/09/2008 20:49

Is there any chance that MN could ban this topic? Because really, it's dull now. I DON'T CARE ANYMORE.

If one more person writes "I can't imagine why you would have children and then leave them all day blah blah blah..."

You can't imagine? Try.

OP, if you've genuinely never seen one of these fabled SAHM v WOHM threads (well done for starting one) then could I direct you to a handy facility called "search for messages" located at the top left of the screen.

Nothing to see here people, move along now.

juliejukes · 18/09/2008 21:09

wot Peacelily said

scaryteacher · 18/09/2008 23:16

They go back to work early because they may not have a job otherwise, or their employer makes it hard for them not to return. If you want children and to maintain your standard of living then you may have to work. Yes, we'd all love to stay at home for the first year of our child's life, but in many cases it just ain't practical as the money isn't there. As to why women work - have you not noticed the pressure the government exerts on women to be economically active? The latest move here seems to be that they are removing HRP from women who stay at home and don't work after their child is 14, so that they have to work if they wish to have a full state pension.

You can't chose to match your earnings to when you have a child and have to cope as best you can. That's life, and if it means going back to work when the child is young, so be it.

Peacelily, I gave up work when ds was nearly 11, he is now nearly 13, and I don't know when or if I will go back to work. I don't understand why the about women not working when their kids are in school. I'm glad I'm about for ds as he seems to need me about more at the end of the school day now than he did when he was in primary.

ScottishMummy · 18/09/2008 23:32

have you been in a coma?have not seen the MN perennial.no one better than other.individual circumstance

scaryteacher · 18/09/2008 23:34

I know that Scottishmummy, but the OP doesn't seem to.

ScottishMummy · 18/09/2008 23:43

i generally avoid SAHM/Working mums threads.too emotive,ghastly and never resolve

sometimes in moments of delerium i try discuss a particular need/certain circumstances

only to creak under weight of ole clichés and retreat

broken

muttering

never again

thumbwitch · 18/09/2008 23:43

I am also a working at home mum (WAHM or SAHWM if you prefer) which is really quite tricky in terms of finding the time to do one of my jobs; the other one involves clients so they have to be accommodated during working hours. But I get to look after DS myself the rest of the time so I think I have the best of both worlds.

I have always wanted to be able to stay at home with my baby but couldn't cope without some income so am v.v.v lucky to have managed both.

Some women have to work to maintain sufficient income to live on. Some don't - some choose to work because they love it and have hard-earned careers; others are happy to give it all up and look after their DC full time. Each to their own and so long as it works for them and their families, more power to their elbows.

The only parents (M&D) I have a problem with are those who don't have any interest in seeing their children and have nannies to look after them the whole time (v.v. few mums, I'm sure) - it smacks of the old "have them dressed and brought to the drawing room for half an hour before tea, and then take them back to the nursery before they fatigue me" sort of attitude. Then I feel sorry for the DC. It may be that these types only exist in novels, but the ideas for novels must come from somewhere...

peacelily · 19/09/2008 08:58

You can still work and be available at the beginning and end of the school day, 30 hours spread out over 5 short days for example, working from home running a franchise etc.

Once I've finished by post grad I'm hoping to go down to 3 days a week and start my own business which I hope eventually will allow me to be more flexible. This will require hard work and creativity but I'm determined. This will still allow me quality time with dd.

You just have to use your imagination.

Original poster

2beornot2be · 19/09/2008 09:07

So is there any WOHM that wish they could stay at home? Also SAHM that wish they could go to work?

OP posts:

sandy4 · 19/09/2008 09:29

anyone want a brew? kettle's just boiled

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