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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think people should not say no black at a funeral.

163 replies

mshadowsisfab · 14/09/2008 19:05

cos finding smart non balck clothes is a bloody nightmare.
I don't do smart, or wear skirts. dd has cp so what is the point when i will be covered in food and have to crawl arround the floor.

OP posts:
queenbea · 14/09/2008 22:53

But surely you can't wear black if it says no black, otherwise they would just say wear what you like, or you needn't wear black. I sat on the floor of m&s sobbing for what seemed like hours after my dad died (buying food, not clothes) so I don't think its that much of an exaggeration to say that if he had specified a dress code and I had to shop for it then I would have cried then too.

expatinscotland · 14/09/2008 22:56

Some people actually dare to see their own funeral or the funeral of their loved one to be a celebration of their life and their passage to the afterlife as they believe it to be, not an occassion of grief and sadness or mourning.

And as such, if people feel otherwise, and can't bring themselves to share in that, then IMO, they might be better off at home and explain to the family that they don't see things the same way.

That's an opinion of mine, the same way some think a funeral is for the living to get closure and grieve.

So shoot me!

pointydog · 14/09/2008 22:59

But if he hadn't specified a dress code and you wanted to wear black but you'd recently had to throw out your only black skirt as it had a hole in it, you;'d still have to shop.

You often can't tell when someone is going to die.

And I really didn't see anyone saying your grief is offensive but I haven't gone through the whole thread.

ShyBaby · 14/09/2008 22:59

Whatever expat says. The voice of reason as usual. Totally agree with you

pointydog · 14/09/2008 23:00

You can wear black if it says 'no black'. Of course you can. It just depends if you feel so strongly that you would go against the request or if you think you would upset another living relative.

expatinscotland · 14/09/2008 23:02

I would be afraid of offending a relative, tbh.

Some of these things that don't seem important may have been very important to the deceased and still be important to one of the close relatives.

I don't own any black clothes, but have been to lots of funerals as my mother's father was one of 15 children and my father is one of 6.

expatinscotland · 14/09/2008 23:03

when ex h's mother died after a 5 year struggle with cancer, she made arrangements for her funeral in much detail. she was German and a very fastidious person and hausfrau.

she did state no black, please, and i don't see what the big deal is with such a request.

clothes are cheap nowadays.

queenbea · 14/09/2008 23:04

Can you? I'm not sure if I would dare. Why do they say it then? Why not say black is not necessary? I would go hatless to a hats only wedding though. It seems easier to ignore the demands of the living than the dead.

I don't accept that it is just as easier to scrape together a smart outfit with no restrictions on it than one with restrictions on it.

pointydog · 14/09/2008 23:06

If it satates 'np black' it says something about the personality of the deceased. You might not like that part of their personality but I suppose it's the final little thing you can do for them. If you're going to their funeral, you must be fond of them and be reasonably happy to do one little thing for them.

solidgoldbrass · 14/09/2008 23:11

Oh FFS funerals are not about the corpse. That's dead and doesn't have an opinion. Funerals are for the benefit of the bereaved.
Mind you given that many people find some comfort in arranging a funeral that is what the corpse 'would have wanted' I am going to write into my will that everyone who attends my funeral is to come dressed up as a great big cock. Because not only do I find the concept funny but if I die of something lingering and have to spend my last few weeks complaining about the fact that I'm on last orders, then I can tell everyone that they have to dress up as big cocks for my funeral and watch them try to deal with the idea.

Original poster
mshadowsisfab · 14/09/2008 23:15

thanks for all the replies.
has made me see it clearer.
often when someone close to you dies it is hard to see the wood from the trees.
The no black would not have been my sm wishes, she was a stickler for protocol.
they are by dads wishes, which I will abode with, he wants the whole thing to be a celebration of sm life. which is a nice idea.
so i will be treating myself to something new.
Expat thanks you talk a lot of sense.
strummer you talk a lot of shit.
as I said my dd is 13. I realise my op was a bit random and easy to misread.(I meant I don't own post clothes as I don't buy them because of dd, not that she was comming to the funeral)
But do not presume to tell me whether I should or should not do somthing with my child.

OP posts:
MilaMae · 14/09/2008 23:16

I think when no black comes from the deceased it's to spare their loved ones. I hate all black funerals it makes everyting worse. When the living specify no black I think it's often to spare a little pain and to focus on the deceased's life instead of the grief iykwim. Either way you have to go with what's specified.

One of my 2 best friends suddenly lost her husband last summer, we were abroad. She specified that we had to wear our favouirite clothes. We only had our holiday clothes with us as had to race back with the kids. All she wanted was us there, no black just a favourite outfit, so all 5 of us looked very jaunty. I was worried sick that we would offend.

At one point I didn't think we were going to make it as was a race and we had car problems. The 3 dc 3,3 and 2 were with us as there was nowhere to leave them. The whole time I was sweating in the car worrying that I wouldn't get there in time,would the kids behave etc. My worries about clothes just faded away as I started to realise that the important thing was just getting there to support her. She wasn't going to care less what I wore,it was us she wanted not an outfit.

Mshadow just wear your favourite clothes it doesn't even need to be an expensive outfit just special. The deceased was probably just trying to spare you so try not to worry too much. I think at these times we tend to obsess over the little things to stop ourselves focusing on the death of a loved one which is a very natural thing to do. Hope it all goes as well as can be expected.

expatinscotland · 14/09/2008 23:35

'I am going to write into my will that everyone who attends my funeral is to come dressed up as a great big cock. '

Cool! I've always wanted to have a penis for more than say, an hour or two.

chefswife · 15/09/2008 00:42

if its your dad that has asked for no black, it sounds more like trying not to make the event soooooo depressing. when everyone is in black it is a bit much. but really, people wear black everyday and for all partying occasions so i think you'll be fine if you show up with some part of your outfit in black. you know there will be others. don't fret too much and celebrate the life that was.

thumbwitch · 15/09/2008 00:45

there are plenty of darker shades of blue, green, brown, purple that come in smart clothes - that way you conform to the no black but are still wearing something that you consider to be appropriately respectful.

I have a dark green dress that does service at all funerals I have been to.

gigglewitch · 15/09/2008 01:19

hi shoos
just wanted to chuck my pennyworth in, recent experience of one of those "no black" funerals was for a 10yo girl who I taught, she fought for 21 months with a brain tumour, and at almost 11 yrs old when she died there was no way that the occasion could have been any more sad. Her parents wanted everyone to wear something pink : even the men turned up with pink-ish shirts or a rose in their buttonhole. It felt totally right, because in many ways such a gathering should have been for happier times like her 18th or 21st, even her wedding. Her parents wanted to have 'pink' memories not black ones - which sounded weird when you first heard it but soon makes complete sense, iyswim.

thumbwitch · 15/09/2008 01:39

have read more of this thread now and just wanted to add this - when my grandad died a couple of years ago, he kept telling us that he didn't want us to cry for him, because he would be better off. We told him we wouldn't be crying for him, we would be crying for us because we are the ones who have to carry on without him. For our family, the funeral is about those left behind saying goodbye to the departed in a respectful manner - if Grandad had wanted Dixie music playing, we would have done it - but we still cried because we were sad he wasn't there to be with us any more. I don't see how that is wrong, even though he said "Don't cry for me".

suey2 · 15/09/2008 09:01

I totally agree with expat.
No one is saying that you can't grieve at a funeral. The service IMe is always sad. But afterwards a bit of colour lightens the mood. I would like my funeral to be positive as well as negative. I have been to funerals that have ended in the pub, with everyone reminiscing about the deceased. I have heard some fabulous stories this way, which have shown me a new side of the deceased and complimented my own experience of them. For me, it has really helped me grieve to be able to smile through my tears at all of the shared memories.
For me wearing all black feels depressing. I don't need an more depression on the days of a funeral! It also feels very false and almost as if I am going for a job interview. I would rather feel comfortable in something I would usually wear so that I can feel free enough to go up to people and talk, when the time is appropriate to do so.

Twelvelegs · 15/09/2008 09:50

Just have to say it's quite odd to keep children away from a greiving process...death is part of life.

imananny · 15/09/2008 09:56

wow - what a lot of posts after i went to bed

edam - OMG had no idea at the effect of releasing balloons-shock] they were bio gradable ones but .......

I think that children should be able to go to a funeral and say goodbye if a close relative, or in my friends case, her DD was 7 when she died of cancer and all her class turned up to say goodbye and say their repects

everyone is different

rubyloopy · 15/09/2008 10:09

Message withdrawn

AtheneNoctua · 15/09/2008 10:48

I personally think that dressing in black is a privedge for the widow/widower. It's a bit like wearing a white dress to a wedding. I wouldn't wear bright cheerful clours either. Navy, burgundy, dark grey, etc. are all very acceptable.

Sycamoretree · 15/09/2008 11:01

YABU - get over yourself. Someone has died FFS. Thank god it's not someone close to you whose spirit or last wishes are attempted to be honoured at a funeral.

noonki · 15/09/2008 11:13

Sycamore - it's her Dad

Sycamoretree · 15/09/2008 11:18

Oops - thanks for pointing out. But makes the OP harder for me to understand.

I'm sensitive because lost my dad to cancer in Feb and this was one of his requests. I couldn't imagine being in a place emotionally to even question it.

Maybe this is displacement for dealing with the awfulness of the funeral itself?

Sorry to OP for any offence, but didn't spot that info in her OP.