to think people should not say no black at a funeral.

[mshadowsisfab]

cos finding smart non balck clothes is a bloody nightmare.
I don't do smart, or wear skirts. dd has cp so what is the point when i will be covered in food and have to crawl arround the floor.

but even if it was a grandparent I would not let a child under 12 go to a funeral. afterwards to the funeral tea maybe but not the service.

strummer I disagree. When we have to attend a family funeral I discuss with the relevant relatives their wishes re the children and what they feel the deceased may have wanted. It was my aunt's express wish to have all of her grandchildren and great nieces etc round her. It was not distressing in the least for the children. It was a real comfort to my aunt and realistically one of the last times she will see the entire family all in her home.

I appreciate that in some cases a funeral will be very distressing with lots of people crying, but not all are like that. I know that some people have a compromise and the children may only attend part of the service (e.g. not go to the grave or cremation) or may just go back to the house afterwards.

I don't think that children should necessarily be protected from funerals/death just because traditionally they may have been.

so you would let a child attend a burial would you, gosh that is cruel.

strummer if that was aimed at me, I did not specify one way or another whether I would let a child attend a burial. In my post I implied that perhaps a child might attend a service but not the burial or cremation.

None of my relatives have been buried, but I would not necessarily say that the children could definitely not attend. It is something that I would have to think about.

I think your accusation that I am cruel was actually very rude and insensitive. Many cultures and religions (and you have no idea of my beliefs or backgrounds) would not exclude children from funerals and the rituals surrounding them.

I think it is unreasonable to put too many specifications on a funeral as they are generally held at very short notice and some people don't have many smartish clothes. I don't think it is so bad to ask v close family if you know you are going to die fairly soon but lots of people who go to funerals go as a representative of an organization or go because they knew the person a long time ago and may not feel inclined to buy a new outfit and may feel uncomfortable if they don't adhere to the dress code and don't know many people there. I've been to numerous funerals when a person in our parish dies and they have no family locally and the priest asks for parishioners to attend. I would be put off if I had to buy different colour clothes. One of my close friends wants people to wear orange to her funeral. She isn't ill or anything so if she is killed in an accident I will have about 4 days to shop for an emergency orange dress even though I am grief stricken.

strummer dd is 13 and will be at school
expat waht a wonderful send of

My children went to two grandparents funerals. They were all fine. In fact the over 12 year old was the only one upset and distressed, but of course she was sad, her grandmother had died. It was good for her to go and say goodbye. The little ones didn't really take it in, but it was lovely for other people to have them there and I know my dad and MIL would very much have wanted them there. To me they are the fantastic symbol of life carrying on, and more specifically, their life carrying on into the future.
As for the dress code, yes a bugger. I tend to agree about this bossiness from beyond the grave. Wear what you want - you ARE the family.

"Children attending funerals - cruel?????). Why?

my dn and dn went to their dads. hardly cruel. I thnk it is people like strummer who have the problem as they don't like seeing dc's upset.
i have always given ds a choice and to date (he is 16) he has chosen not to , although he has been to a couple of wakes.

Strummer
my mum did not let me to go to my granddad's funeral (i was 10) and am still upset about this. Children have the right to say their goodbye too.

I agree with you

I really think people should wear whatever they want

Grieving is a private process and for some people, wearing the right 'uniform' helps with the ritual

It annoys me TBH

Funeralzillas

funerals aren't about you and your 'grieving process'.

they're about the final send-off and wishes of the deceased.

if you honestly can't put your own feelings aside for a couple of hours to honour the wishes of the deceased, stay home.

WEll teh funeral is of no use whatsoever the dead person. They are dead.

I would not let a child of mine go to a funeral (other than to dh or mine) until they were old enough not to be distressed at other people crying. In my opinon it is hard enough when you are 4,7,11 etc to have to come to terms with your OWN grief with out having to witness others, my concern is my child not Great Aunt Freda's need to be comforted by seeing a small child.
When my grandparents have died, my children and I have wrote out 15 or 20 small tying cards with our memorys of the grandparent on them and tied them to a balloon. I have then taken my kids out for a special relaxing day on the weekend between them dying and the funeral, and released the balloon. I would especially not want a child of mine at a burial that would be very scary for a small child.
My 5 yr old neice is undergoing therapy at the moment as she is so distressed over her grandfather dying! Surely if she had gone to the funeral with my sister in law she would of been worse.

'WEll teh funeral is of no use whatsoever the dead person. They are dead.'

So then their wishes don't deserve to be respected because you don't feel comfortable with it?

I don't understand why people would want to impose 'rules' on grievers at their own funeral

I dislike the idea that a funeral should be a 'jolly' occasion

i think people who insist on such things Are A Bit Controlling

and i find people who put their own needs for convenient and comfort above the final wishes of someone who has passed away really and truly a bit immature and sad, tbh.

some people don't like the idea of the funeral being sad because they're not sad to have died.

they may have suffered a lot and welcomed death.

they may be religious and believe there's no reason to grieve because they're in a better place.

they may just want everone's last memory of them to be a happy one.

Ah..I dont care what people wear to my funeral, so long as it isnt black. (Well they can wear black if that's what they normally would wear).

And I would like singing, dancing and uplifting stuff.

Then afterwards I would like them all to get drunk and have a good knees up.

I would be very disappointed indeed if the above was not adhered to.

What I stated was just factual. That the dead get no benefit from their funeral. The only people who can are the living. I really don't see why that makes you feel so keen to start name calling. It's not like I'm coming to yours or you to mine.

MP I'm with you. I think it's extraordinarily controlling for people to specify how people should behave / dress at their funeral. They are dead, why should they care? Wills yes, funeral instructions about what hymns/ readings you might want, OK if you really feel the need, but telling people what to wear? Nah. Not right.

who is 'name calling', mabanana?

really, grow a thicker skin.

NO ONE has 'name-called'.

this is not netmums.

HOnestly I don't care what you call me or anyone else, just not sure why you want to do it. Seems odd and out of kilter with thread. But hey, carry on.

um, where did anyone 'name call'?