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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think people should not say no black at a funeral.

163 replies

mshadowsisfab · 14/09/2008 19:05

cos finding smart non balck clothes is a bloody nightmare.
I don't do smart, or wear skirts. dd has cp so what is the point when i will be covered in food and have to crawl arround the floor.

OP posts:
morningpaper · 14/09/2008 22:22

Actually expat you did say immature and sad which is a bit harsh

I think it is not AT ALL immature to say 'I need to grieve, and doing X helps me to do so'

I think that is actually VERY mature

expatinscotland · 14/09/2008 22:23

'Actually expat you did say immature and sad which is a bit harsh'

ROTFLMFAO, especially coming from you, MP.

shelleylou · 14/09/2008 22:24

my mum has specified this along with everyone is to have fun(think shes giving me her wishes a bit early but still). I will do as she pleases as she wants her life to be celebrated not her death mourned

expatinscotland · 14/09/2008 22:25

but why does your need to grieve how you please take priority over the final wishes of the deceased?

the funeral is their final send off. the last time their wishes will be heard and known.

if you can't hold it together to abide by this or it doesn't comply with how you feel you wish to grieve, why not stay home rather than disrespect their wishes?

georgimama · 14/09/2008 22:25

Personally, I dislike the idea that I be told how I should dress, or feel, at a funeral. Wearing black to a funeral (and I never wear black normally) to me is symbolic of grief and respect. Being told I could not wear black would remove those symbols from me.

I don't agree that children should not be at funerals, it all depends, naturally, but a blanket ban on the under 12s (or under any arbritary age) seems daft - what if the under 12 is the child of the deceased? Should they really not attend their parent's funeral? So many children today are brought up with very odd views of death, all video games and TV - no idea of what it really means - I don't think it is good for them.

LittleBella · 14/09/2008 22:25

I can't imagine giving a shit about how my funeral will happen tbh as I won't be there to give a shit. But maybe I'll feel differently about it once I know that it's coming up for definite quite soon....

My dad told us not to bother with all this nonsense, just put him in a wheelie bin and let the council take him away.

We did not observe his wishes and I think if we had, we might have been committing some sort of offence.

expatinscotland · 14/09/2008 22:26

children at funerals - it depends on the child.

some 'get' death earlier than others.

Twelvelegs · 14/09/2008 22:28

I think the final wishes thing is a bot odd, I've always thought I would like my DH have more say about what happens at my funeral than me. He's the one who's got to go through it or my children.

queenbea · 14/09/2008 22:28

It is as bad as the bridzillas who specify 'all ladies must wear hats' or 'no coast dresses'. The majority of people who are coming to your funeral will not be your parent, sibling or child and whilst they may be sad and really want to attend its not polite to expect them to buy new clothes. I guess at my wedding I expected my parents, my sisters (bridesmaids) me, dh and dh's parents and siblings to buy new clothes for the occasion, but I wouldn't expect even quite close friends to. I certainly wouldn't expect work colleagues and neighbours to go to so much trouble, I was just pleased to see them there.

morningpaper · 14/09/2008 22:29

Expat I was just pointing out where you were name-calling, or at least where other people might consider you were name calling

A wheelie bin is good for me but it would be hard to know whether the Food Recycling one would be right or not?

pointydog · 14/09/2008 22:29

yabu.

For goodness sake, it was something someone wanted when they died. It's not like you're being asked to salute naked while standing on one leg.

georgimama · 14/09/2008 22:30

Surely the purpose of a funeral is to enable the bereaved to give vent to their feelings? Whenever a family member of mine has died I haven't felt in any way able to deal with the reality of their death until the funeral was done - I felt in limbo in between the death and the funeral. I have always found funerals very comforting, and an opportunity to let out my feelings. Sorry if that makes me "immature".

expatinscotland · 14/09/2008 22:31

if they think someone expressing their opinion in such a fashion is name-calling i don't see them lasting very long around here.

i'm surprised custy hasn't turned up to call people cunts.

i don't have any black clothes. i'd have to go and buy some for a funeral.

but if that's what the dead person wanted, i'd do it or send along my condolences and stay home.

if you can't have respect for hte dead who can you respect? shocking.

georgimama · 14/09/2008 22:32

BTW - what is wrong with Coast dresses at a wedding? I always wear a Coast dress to a wedding!!!

LittleBella · 14/09/2008 22:32

I don't know, maybe I'm biased being alive, but I think the wishes of the living have to take priority over the wishes of the dead. Call me harsh, but being dead means you don't have a vote anymore. Funerals aren't about the dead, they never have been, they are about the living and how a) society handles death and b) how individuals do.
them in a time of grief.

expatinscotland · 14/09/2008 22:32

it is that to you, georgia, but it may not be to the deceased or even to their family.

and if they make that clear and you still aren't able to respect that - and that's perfectly normal - then yes, it's immature and not very big and best stay at home rather than insult the deceased and their family by disrespecting their wishes.

strummer · 14/09/2008 22:32

Did you read what I wrote Georgi, or did you just jump on the band wagon.
Every time I have posted, I have said, I would not let a child under 12 go to a funeral, with the exception of it was the childs parents.

queenbea · 14/09/2008 22:33

That didn't make much sense did it. What I am trying to say is that it is a bit of an imposition to make up rules that people on the periphery of you life should adhere to.

georgimama · 14/09/2008 22:33

Exactly Twelvelegs (hey we agree about something!)

LittleBella · 14/09/2008 22:33

Ah but pointydog - how long before a funeralzilla specifies such a thing?

Celia2 · 14/09/2008 22:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pointydog · 14/09/2008 22:35

If the priority lies with the living people, then the living people can decide not to go to the funeral. The dead person has no choice in that matter.

morningpaper · 14/09/2008 22:35

Erm expat you are getting a bit Daily Mail in your reaction here

The OP was asking whether dead people shouldn't SPECIFY what mourners wear at their funeral

Not whether the mourners should IGNORE their wishes

Two different things

queenbea · 14/09/2008 22:36

georgi there was a bridzilla thread a few months ago where someone had 'no coast dresses' on the invitation. There are some very controlling odd people in the world.

expatinscotland · 14/09/2008 22:37

Wow, I guess for some people it really and truly is All.About.Me.Myself.and.I.

How I grieve. What works for me. How I deal with it. How I need to vent. How I reach closure.

He's/she's dead so doesn't count/get a vote anymore.

Ever realised that sometimes the family is in complete support and agreement with the wishes of the deceased?

Maybe even planned everything together?

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