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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think people should not say no black at a funeral.

163 replies

mshadowsisfab · 14/09/2008 19:05

cos finding smart non balck clothes is a bloody nightmare.
I don't do smart, or wear skirts. dd has cp so what is the point when i will be covered in food and have to crawl arround the floor.

OP posts:
suey2 · 14/09/2008 20:21

I'm with lulumama. I have specified no black in my will as I want it to be a celebration of my life, not a maudlin, depressing occasion. Party clothes kind o thing
YABU

expatinscotland · 14/09/2008 20:22

some people have been very ill and suffered muchly before death and want their funeral or memorial service to be a celebration of their life and their moving on to a better place.

imananny · 14/09/2008 20:34

expat - thats what Jenny wanted - god rest her little soul!!

expatinscotland · 14/09/2008 20:36

my mother's father's funeral was like that, too, ima.

we had a fantastic time! basically a street party just hte way he wanted - a BBQ, lots of beer, a mariachi band, card-playing and games.

a celebration still remembered 25 years later.

babymt · 14/09/2008 20:39

WTF! I've never heard of a dress code for a funeral! Let alone being told not to wear black.

Why do people have such specific ideas about their funeral? They're dead...they don't care anymore surely?

And as for saying you can't have fun if you are wearing black...what?!?!?! Its yet another tradition that people are poo-pooing. If someone told me not to wear black to a funeral I'd still wear it anyway as to ME its disrespectful not to as thats how I've been bought up. I'd feel incredibly uncomfortable in party or casual clothes. And not everyones comfortable with having a party atmosphere at a funeral. People shouldn't be pigeonholed in their grief and should be free to express it in whatever way they please. The idea of people celebrating your life is a great one but in reality whos actually been to an upbeat and happy funeral?

expatinscotland · 14/09/2008 20:45

i've been to several, baby, that had a great atmosphere. loved ones put aside their grief to remember the person as HE/SHE wanted - it's showing your love for someone when you can put aside you own feelings to show respect for their final wish.

i think john kennedy from 'The Boy Whose Skin Fell Off' put it best: you plan for other occasions, like your birthday, why not for your own death, too?

his funeral was really happy and upbeat.

john had moved on to a better place.

if you can't be a big enough person to respect someone's wishes in death, perhaps it's better just to stay home?

purpleduck · 14/09/2008 20:50

Expat, can I come to your funeral?
Sounds like a cracking good time

expatinscotland · 14/09/2008 20:51

surely, purple.

a funeral is about the deceased person, after all.

and this dead person is going to be one who loved a piss up .

Heathcliffscathy · 14/09/2008 20:52

YABVU

go in jeans. doesn't matter, just no black.

KVC · 14/09/2008 20:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

chefswife · 14/09/2008 20:56

black trousers and a white top... you might be mistaken for the service staff. cheeky

wear what you can. man, 3/4 of my everyday wardrobe is black. anything that isn't is just cargo pants and t-shirts and sorry, but i can't go and buy a new outfit to wear to a funeral. in fact, i've missed all my family's funerals due to flight costs to Toronto from Vancouver so the least of my concern would be what to wear. i'd go with the black trousers and a colour on top, brushed hair and bit of makeup. simple.

purpleduck · 14/09/2008 20:57

Cool Expat, put me down!
I do like men in kilts....

misdee · 14/09/2008 20:59

YABU

when i die, i will state for my funeral wear what you feel comfortable in. dont dress up on account of me!

chefswife · 14/09/2008 21:00

you can still celebrate the essence of the deceased life's wearing a bit of black.

lisad123 · 14/09/2008 21:03

i would do the black bottoms, with a bright top and bag. maybe a few set of beads. Good luck sweetie

onepieceoflollipop · 14/09/2008 21:05

We recently went to my (elderly) late Uncle's funeral. His wife stated that "black didn't necessarily have to be worn" which imo was a good solution, also it meant that our dds (and other young family attending) weren't dressed up very sombrely in black (although I would have done so out of respect if that had been requested)

It was a lovely funeral iykwim, they had a very long and happy marriage, in fact had just celebrated a very special anniversary. The (humanist) celebrant turned to my aunt part way through the ceremony and said in a tone of awe, respect and pleasure "oh you had a very good marriage". That was very comforting to her.

(sorry for slight hijack)

imananny · 14/09/2008 21:06

i've been to several, baby, that had a great atmosphere. loved ones put aside their grief to remember the person as HE/SHE wanted - it's showing your love for someone when you can put aside you own feelings to show respect for their final wish.

couldnt agree more - think those who know they are dying from an illness for example are more likely to want to celebrate their life if that makes sense

jollydiane · 14/09/2008 21:09

Why not wear black if you feel comfortable in that but wear some really bright scarf or necklace

Tiramissu · 14/09/2008 21:19

By Expat:
'...no hateful anti-smokers' Ok i m in then lol. I loved it.
When i was in uk i ve been to an Irish funeral and was about celebrating the life. I was told that is very popular in Ireland. I liked the idea

strummer · 14/09/2008 21:23

DO NOT TAKE YOUR CHILD, a child under 12 gas no place at a funeral, they are not fun, it is innapropriate (unless its the childs parents) and distressing for the child.
BTW my child also has severe CP, can you not ask your respite carers to have her for the duration of the funeral.

expatinscotland · 14/09/2008 21:23

when i worked in hospice we had a black gentleman from New Orleans pass on after a long illness.

his wife asked if his church's choir could come and sing him off. we thought it would be a few singers.

the whole choir showed up, lined the corridors and sang 'Amazing Grace' so beautifully there wasn't a dry eye in the house.

then, as his body was carried out, they stripped off their black choir robes to reveal bright clothes underneath and started singing joyfully, clapping and shouting, 'Hallelujah, he's gone to Glory!'

i would have loved to be at that funeral!

as it was, his wife donated all the flowers from it to the patients - a big van showed up and we spent ages unloading.

Tiramissu · 14/09/2008 21:25

I think it is her grandfather;s funeral. |So of course she has place there

twinsetandpearls · 14/09/2008 21:26

I am going to specify red , purple shoes and leapord print accessories at mine for men and women.

I think you should respect someones last wishes to be honest.

DrHorrible · 14/09/2008 21:29

i would just wear a bright top. Or dye hair pink

I don't like the non-flowers funerals. I want sh*t loads of flowers, I went to a family friend's funeral, and she was a florist - it was one of the most beautiful things i've seen.

strummer · 14/09/2008 21:30

now i'm i miss read your op