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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To put DD to bed without any dinner...

298 replies

PeppermintPatty · 08/09/2008 19:07

...because she refused to eat what I've made made her.

She kept asking for a banana but I said no, she had to at least attempt to eat her soup.

She refused and had a massive tantrum She's only 14 months old, but very stubborn.

I'm certainly not going to make her something else, and I feel if I give in to her she'll be demanding a banana every meal time.

So I'm going to put her to bed without any dinner.

AIBU

OP posts:
pointydog · 08/09/2008 23:07

peppermint, for some reason this thread swung very heavily against you - and I don't think that's just because of the age of your child - and I don't think you deserved quite such a roasting. Get a good sleep!

TheHedgeWitch · 08/09/2008 23:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

SlartyBartFast · 08/09/2008 23:07

try bananas in milk, lovely, in a bowl, chopped up.
or a banana milkshake

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 08/09/2008 23:09

pp my dd has always been a poor eater she is fed what she wants when she wants it as its the only way she will eat

when she was younger if she was wanting something other than what she was offered i would give her what she wanted say banana but would also be spooning in the soup at the same time. however she had not had the sarnies at nursery. she would never eat sarnies.

Mamazon · 08/09/2008 23:10

I bet your were more stressed over whther to send her to bed without hee tea than you would have been for giving her a banana.

there's the lesson. Dont sweat the small stuff. sometimes the lesson canbe taught another time.

3andnomore - Witholding food/water is indeed a form of neglect/abuse but that is for a prolonged period. not a one off.
this is clearly not a case of abuse.

I read the thread, not just the op

SlartyBartFast · 08/09/2008 23:14

or make a fruit salad, chez bananas!! good idea yeh!

Doodle2U · 08/09/2008 23:14

Did anyone suggest using the banana to dunk in the soup?

SlartyBartFast · 08/09/2008 23:15

i.e take advantage of her enjoyment of bananas by mixing with other food stuffs

slapheadsrock · 08/09/2008 23:15

Good grief!

What if I said we withold tea as a punishment?!

The way to my son's sense of behaviour is definitely through his stomach. Typical male. So on occasions where he has been really naughty, he gets to go to bed with bread and milk. As much as he wants. And that is it.

He is wonderfully behaved the next day but he is ten!

I would have given banana bit, followed by spoonful of soup, followed by banana, soup, banana, soup.......

Kewcumber · 08/09/2008 23:18

FWIW my DS doesn't think that soup is food but an interesting drink and would be most grumpy if I tred to kid him it was supper - he would MUCH prefer the banana too.

roseability · 08/09/2008 23:19

Child Abuse! FFS some of you are being very bloody unreasonable

We all fumble through difficult moments as parents and maybe sometimes don't do the right thing but to lightly throw around the accusation of abuse is terrible (as someone who suffered mental abuse as a child)

No I wouldn't have sent my 14mo to bed without tea as punishment but I also don't believe in making lots of different things as I feel this can make children more fussy.

If my DS dosen't want the first course (and if I know it is something he usually likes) I will offer him a healthy pudding/second course and maybe give him a bigger supper but I won't make a whole new meal. It is not control but rather just trying to be relaxed and almost blaze about eating. I never try and persuade/force him to eat anything. If he dosen't want it so be it.

Yes we get to choose what we eat but lets be practical here! My DS is a great eater and eats anything really.

I think the OP was just worried about her child's diet (and yes we worry more with the first child) and had one of those moments where you desire control over the situation but soon realise with babies and toddlers you have to relinquish that to some extent!

I don't think she thought 'I'm gonna make you go to bed hungry you little '. This incident might have come on the back of a tough day. Tiredness and frustration cloud judgement. Sometimes we feel angry towards our children and act rashly but never carry through threats that we know will make the child miserable. Moments of bad parenting yes, child abuse no.

I am truly shocked

TheNinkynork · 09/09/2008 05:27

"Bananagate"

Good on you OP, we all make mistakes. I for one have been watching ITNG DVDs with sleepless DS since 4 a.m. My HV would be having kittens if she knew

Kewcumber · 09/09/2008 08:52

I rarely give DS two courses - does this make me neglectful as most people here seem to?

CrushWithEyeliner · 09/09/2008 09:35

I work with teenage girls with eating disorders and this thread has made interesting and quite saddening reading.
It is very clear that there is a link in eating disorders between the relationship with the Mother, control issues and food. I see this time and time again.

I just wanted to communicate how important it is that we as Mums are relaxed about food and never use it to control our children or as punishment of any kind.
They have their own appetites. This is totally normal. Have you ever been presented with a plate of food one night and thought..."I really don't fancy this". What really is the big deal?

3andnomore · 09/09/2008 09:36

mamazone, we were saying the same thing then ..because that was what I said...in this case it wasn't childabuse and tbh I found it disturbing how many people were shouting "This is childabuse"....it is kinda belittling real childabuse....it would have been an unreasonable thing to do (but OP didn't ) but, even if OP had gone through wiht it, it would NOT have been childabuse....
but you and me were saying or thinking the same....
the comment about, oh if people only read the whole thread was at all those people that constantly came up, all spouting the same even after OP had said that she had given her child the banana...there just wans't a need for everyone harping on about it...imo....but most people only seemed to have read OP and wham...went for her...

It seems sometimes that people are oh so perfect never doing anything stupid...tbh, I am not buying it...non of us are perfect and I think most of us probably done things we normally wouldn't and that someone else may even consider as child abuse....but, I think, a single action , if done by mistake can't really be an abusive act as such, if the relationship between a child and a parent is a loving one...
What I meant was, that whilest prolonged wihtholding of food is child abuse...this kind of single instance can't be classed as childabuse...oh...well...hope you know what I mean

Original poster
PeppermintPatty · 09/09/2008 09:39

"bananagate"

I feel a proper divy now.

Yes it had been a long day. And I am recovering from glandular fever and feel tired and foggy headed. But still no excuse I suppose.

I've taken on board all your suggustions for meals with banana in etc. I'm sure DD will be delighted with them

Although I don't quite think I could watch her dip her banana in soup [retch]

OP posts:
cory · 09/09/2008 09:41

Sounds like this thread is coming to some sort of conclusion: the OP has rethought the feeding question and hopefully those who shouted child abuse at the first sight of a banana withheld by a frustrated Mum are also rethinking their language.

One thing that I think does emerge from this is the unreliability of the notion that rules have to be set down at a very early age and then remain unchanged because otherwise the child will get confused and go off the rails.

In actual fact, rules have to change all the time with the development of the child; you can (and should) ask totally different things from a toddler and a teenager. A 1-year-old who eats neatly with knife and fork would be pretty unique, but a 16-year-old who can't manage it gets raised eyebrows. I didn't expect my 2-yo to do regular maths homework, but now she jolly well has to.

It is perfectly acceptable and normal to tell a growing child that "I let you do this when you were little, but now that you're big you mustn't do it anymore". It won't confuse them- they know that they're changing.

Failure to behave in one area at any given time doesn't mean failure forever. It just feels like it at the time .

RhinestoneCowgirl · 09/09/2008 09:42

PP - wow this thread really took off after I went to bed . Sorry if you got a bit of a pasting. I know how frustrating it is after a long day and they won't even try your beautiful home-cooked meal. It's got easier for us now DS is 2 and tends to eat with us in the evening, so I'm not worrying about cooking something specially for him.

And 'Bananagate' has made me smile a little this morning

3andnomore · 09/09/2008 09:48

yeah..Bananagate was funny

Cory, very good point about it being essential to have age appropriate rules/bounderies, depending on the hilds devellopemental stage !

Original poster
PeppermintPatty · 09/09/2008 10:03

Rhinestone - DD does eat with us. We had soup as well. So I didn't feel like my cooking went to waste anyway

I think Cory has got it right. I kind of thought that if DD asked for a banana at every meal and I let her have one, she would become a fussy eater and also expect to get exactly what she wants all the time. And it would all be my fault for not saying no.

Of course, this might be true for an older child but not a baby

And yes its ok to let them behave like this when they are little, but expect different things as they get older. I just needed to be reminded of this.

She is my first child, and I suppose I do worry too much about her diet. And I don't always know what to expect with regards to behaviour.

OP posts:
Lomond · 09/09/2008 10:20

I have not read all of this thread but see that it kicked off a bit.

Sounds like it has come to a good conclusion. I have some friends who have had very worrying times when their children would not eat what they were given, therefore were not getting enough nutrients and were in fact not putting on weight. In my opinion if they are eating and it's not something that's bad for them then it shouldn't be discouraged.

I am also very against insisting children eat if they are not hungry.

My youngest very often pushes away her dinner, so is offered fruit or a yoghurt, then she goes back to her dinner! Just yeaterday lunchtime she was alternating bites of tuna sandwiches with strawberries and mashing them all together. Looked yuk but at least she ate it!

Very good advice Cory!

2beornot2be · 09/09/2008 10:22

I know banana and soup sounds nasty but your DD may love it you should try putting the Banana with different things if she continues to ask for it. I hope your ok today glandular fever is horrible to have and to get over so I am not suprised your a bit stressed.

Lomond · 09/09/2008 10:23

Should add that I really disagreed with my friends view that if they don't eat what they are given then they don't get anything. Especially if it is detrimental to their health. I think people are way too set on the three meals a day thing!Fortunately it was just a phase her child was going through and she eats much better now.

tamarto · 09/09/2008 10:24

calling the OP borderline abusive for asking a question.

The moral of the story don't ask anything on mumsnet unless you are happy being called a troll or abusive.

FWIW i have in the past and will again sent my kids to bed without eating their tea, they never have an empty somach but there is no way on this earth i'm going to be cooking whatever everybody wants every night, i'd be at the cooker 24/7!

purpleduck · 09/09/2008 10:31

LOL at "Bananagate"!

Peppermint patty - my dd was the same, used to like soup, then went off it and has not liked it since...she is 6 !!!

She is also hungrier during the day, and has never been very hungry at evening meal. There have been many, many times that she has had an apple (or, dare I say a banana ) for dinner -she very often just does not want a big meal at that time of the day.

I think it will be far less frustrating for you in the long run if you try to "go" with how they are naturally. Within reason of course!

Good Luck

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