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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is DH an ass or am I unreasonable...please do tell me

151 replies

turtle23 · 21/08/2008 07:58

DS is 21 weeks old today and I have a happy, smiley, lovely child that everyone thinks is fab. He did sleep through very briefly, but now is waking 3 times a night. I have struggled with BF and weaned him off then went back, and we're finally getting it right.
Anyway, DH sat me down last night and said he was very unhappy with my selfishness. We sleep in seperate bedrooms as DH goes to bed at about 1 and I am about to wake up for first time then. Apparently I am a horrible wife as I don't stay up with him then sleep in our bed. We only have sex a couple of times a month, which isn't enough, I know, but I just cant as I'm so tired. He tells me it's terrible that the house isn't sparkling as I only have one baby to take care of. DH doesn't work, he is "setting up a new business" which he has done nothing towards since he was made redundant in November. He will not help around the house or with the baby as it's "my job."
When DS sleeps I am fine, but he just doesn't sleep well at the moment and I am knackered.
I do want to try and improve things, I don't like looking at a full ironing basket either. We can't afford a cleaner at all, there's no family to help...AIBU to not be superwoman? My house isn't THAT BAD!

OP posts:
ConstanceWearing · 21/08/2008 08:04

I sincerely don't think you are being unreasonable.

He has given you a list of things he wants.

So ask him what he is prepared to do to help himself achieve it. Cos sitting on his arse griping at you for not making his 'optimum life experience' happen is just plain selfish.

traceybath · 21/08/2008 08:06

Oh my god!

Is your DH for real? He is being totally unreasonable and i'm amazed you didn't scream at him.

Is he actually doing any work at all? What does he do all day?

Perhaps you'd feel a bit more like sex if you weren't so tired.

Twice a month is pretty good with a night waking/breastfeeding 21 week old.

He is most definitely the selfish one.

RubySlippers · 21/08/2008 08:06

my first thoughts are he is an ass, but having a baby can be a huge upheaval for everyone and perhaps he is feeling that but expressing himself very badly?

your main priority is your baby and breastfeeding at the moment

most 21 week olds do not sleep through the night and my DS was having a night feed at this age

his expecatations of his role are way off

does he do anything - bathing or that sort of thing?

ChairmumMiaow · 21/08/2008 08:07

your DH is an ass.

I can't think what else to say. Mine is older than yours (30 weeks) and some days, they just take up every second until bedtime.

Your DH needs to understand that having a baby (even just (!!) one!) can be a full time job. If you're caring for your child, keeping food in the house and cooking dinner, you're doing well!

Your DH needs a reality check - its just really hard to provide one. Perhaps he could look after your DS for a whole weekend (except feeds) and see how much time he has to do the housework.

claudiaschiffer · 21/08/2008 08:09

Sorry to say it but he is an ass. YANBU.

Kids arrive . . . YOUR LIFE CHANGES.

Sheesh when will men learn?

liath · 21/08/2008 08:09

Does your DH actually have any good features becuase from your post he sounds like a selfish twat. If my DH sat me down & told me I was a crap wife I would deck him!!

Original poster
turtle23 · 21/08/2008 08:09

Thank you. I woke up this morning to find a list of demands wants just to clarify. I have asked him to do 24 hours with the baby(with a run on a treadmill every time he feeds him to get the full physical effect) and he doesn't seem keen. I feel that this would be the only way he'll "get it." Please tel me that it is normal for a house to be "just ok" at this stage still?

OP posts:
ThatBigGermanPrison · 21/08/2008 08:10

What an astoundingly childish and selfish piece of work he sounds. Ignore his putrid whining. It's not your job to make him happy, it's his job to make him happy.

His expectations of life with a small child are so unrealistic as to be laughable. I would suggest you get a credit card out in his name, spend it to the limit on cleaners, tell him if it's your job to do the drudge work, it's his job to pay for whatever you deem necessary to keep the house 'sparkling' - but I won't suggest that, I would never incite someone to stand up for themselves cause marital strife.

ThatBigGermanPrison · 21/08/2008 08:12

A LIST OF DEMANDS!!!

I bet that makes you long to suck his cock now.....

Original poster
turtle23 · 21/08/2008 08:13

I actually had to restrain myself from slapping him last night. That is never good. I haven't had time to think whether his good qualities still exist. He wont even hold the baby while I shower unless forced.
Baby was very much planned and wanted, btw. He kept telling me how his big family made him very family aware...HA!

OP posts:
thesockmonsterofdoom · 21/08/2008 08:13

What a knobhead.
Sorry but no other way to say it, he wants a clean house tell him to clean it.

Original poster
turtle23 · 21/08/2008 08:15

And this all started because we were trying to have sex yesterday when DS (who is teething and in agony with 2 teeth) woke up screaming blue murder. Was told to ignore him and finish...I didn't.

OP posts:
Cappuccino · 21/08/2008 08:16

my dh was often seen around the house after my dd1 was born, wearing an apron

you know, cooking things and cleaning htings

why is it your responsibility to keep the house nice? doesn't he live there?

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 21/08/2008 08:16

do you even have to ask?

leave the housework if you are tired. you need to be fit and healthy to look after your baby. and its not like you are the only capable adult in the house. if dh wants a sparkling tell him he get up off his backside and damn well clean iit himself.

the housework is your job? how much do you get paid? what are your days off? do you get paid for breaks? you do realise that you are entitled to 15 mins break for every four hours that you work dont you? and you cannot work more than 40 hours without signing a special disclaimer.

housework is your job? pmsl! have i been transported back to 1950? your dh needs to grow up and stop being an ass. its his baby and his house too!

ChairmumMiaow · 21/08/2008 08:16

turtle - what sort of business is he setting up? He's been at it for a while hasn't he?

About 3 years ago I set up a software development company, working from home. I remember the "in-between" bits where I was waiting for work, for customer input etc, for the phone to ring... whatever...

My house was never so clean as it was during those first few months

I am guessing he has issues generally (remembering some of your other recent posts) perhaps because he's going nowhere with his business or career generally and is just taking it out on you..?

claudiaschiffer · 21/08/2008 08:17

I am horrified.

You poor thing, you are coping with 2 babies. One of which needs to GROW UP sharpish.

Original poster
turtle23 · 21/08/2008 08:17

I am trying to remember that men are big children and very jealous. That's what keeps me sane.

OP posts:
ChairmumMiaow · 21/08/2008 08:18

By the way, DH runs our business now, as well as doing at least half of the housework, and more than half of the childcare at the weekends...

Original poster
turtle23 · 21/08/2008 08:19

lol x-post

OP posts:
liath · 21/08/2008 08:20

I would suggest not getting him to do 24 hours with the baby as he'll probably manage and be smug and sanctamonious about it - he'd need to do the child care and house work for a good month without help to get an idea of what you have to manage.

I'll give you an idea of what my DH does and feel free to print this off to show him what a real man and father does.

DH works full time as a hospital consultant. When he is at home he does half the child care with me and then often has to work into the night doing paperwork. He has never demanded sex, always supported my decision to put my career on hold to concentrate on being a mum and tells me I am a good mother. He thanks me for cooking/ironing etc and will help out with housework if he has time (although we did recently get a cleaner).

Original poster
turtle23 · 21/08/2008 08:21

OK, so advice please. He doesn't think rationally. How do I go about changing things, as "you could help, you s$£t" doesn't work. Have tried.
As far as business goes, it was a land buying business, which he has had to rethink given current climate. He is finding clients for IFAs at the moment. Apparently.

OP posts:
ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe · 21/08/2008 08:22

Ass is a kind word.

You are right, you only have one baby to look after not two. Your husband being the second one.

He is a flipping idiot and whie he acts like a spoilt toddler who has had his nose put out of joint, the last thing you will want to do is have sex with him.

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 21/08/2008 08:24

just stop doing everything for him. iron your own clothes and ds' and leave his. same for washing and cooking.

or telll him if he doesnt get up of his backside and offer you some help then you are leaving him as your life would be much easier without him.

ChairmumMiaow · 21/08/2008 08:24

Turtle - the business bit sounds worrying - he seems to want to do anything "for himself" rather than having a specific business in mind. Does he have a business plan? A marketing strategy? Anything concrete? I guess he's not telling you.

I'd be as worried about this as his asshole behaviour as I'm guessing it has had / will have an impact on your financial stability

In terms of practical advice, I don't know. Do you know any dads who help out a lot? Can you meet up with them and start a conversation, so he can see that real men help out?

ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe · 21/08/2008 08:24

Maybe if he pulled his weight around the house you would be less tired.

I have no time for men like this. Tell him to shape up or ship out.

Lok after yourself and the baby and do absolutely nothing for this bloody git.

BTW my babies are 7 5 and 3 and my house is a complete mess.