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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is DH an ass or am I unreasonable...please do tell me

151 replies

turtle23 · 21/08/2008 07:58

DS is 21 weeks old today and I have a happy, smiley, lovely child that everyone thinks is fab. He did sleep through very briefly, but now is waking 3 times a night. I have struggled with BF and weaned him off then went back, and we're finally getting it right.
Anyway, DH sat me down last night and said he was very unhappy with my selfishness. We sleep in seperate bedrooms as DH goes to bed at about 1 and I am about to wake up for first time then. Apparently I am a horrible wife as I don't stay up with him then sleep in our bed. We only have sex a couple of times a month, which isn't enough, I know, but I just cant as I'm so tired. He tells me it's terrible that the house isn't sparkling as I only have one baby to take care of. DH doesn't work, he is "setting up a new business" which he has done nothing towards since he was made redundant in November. He will not help around the house or with the baby as it's "my job."
When DS sleeps I am fine, but he just doesn't sleep well at the moment and I am knackered.
I do want to try and improve things, I don't like looking at a full ironing basket either. We can't afford a cleaner at all, there's no family to help...AIBU to not be superwoman? My house isn't THAT BAD!

OP posts:
honeybehappy · 21/08/2008 09:20

how odd that he only does it when people are there, have you asked him why?

MmeLindt · 21/08/2008 09:21

Well done, Turtle. The poster sounds good, he needs to see how imbalanced your reponsibilities are.

My DCs are 4 and 6yo and our house is far from sparkling. And how could he expect you to carry on and enjoy sex when your baby (his too! How could he carry on??!) is screaming in pain.

LongLiveCuckoo · 21/08/2008 09:22

He sounds like a self absorbed immature unreasonable ARSE. Sorry to be so blunt but I have been there, and I'm angry with myself that I put up with it..

My x told me 4 wks after dc1 was born that I needed to shape up! (same reasons as you, house not sparkling, and things not exactly the same as they HAD been. DURR)

I struggled on for yrs trying to live up to HIS high and unrealistic expectations. He never ever came close to meeting any of mine. But in his eyes my expectations were all ludicrous and his were all really reasonable.

Life with a man like this is SO hard.

TheProvincialLady · 21/08/2008 09:22

Ah good, I was going to suggest you write him a list of your demands but doing it in picture form sounds even better. Only my list would look like this:

  1. Pull your finger out AND
  2. Get a job
  3. Do some housework
  4. Take care of your child OR
  5. Feck off
pudding25 · 21/08/2008 09:24

What a complete piece of shit! I am raging for you. He doesnt even work! My DD is 14 wks old. As for sex, ha. ha what's that? I am so goddam tired I cant even comtemplate sex and my DH totally understands that. He works long hours and does everything possible to help me around the house bar breastfeed the baby. We have a cleaner once a fortnight, but he helps tidy, looks after the baby before he goes to work (he works evenings), makes me dinner on his days off. He does everything possible to help as he a) sees how shattered I am b) it is his baby too, he loves her and wants to spend time with her c) he is a decent human being.

Your husband is a nasty, selfish, unreasonable bastard. I hope you have the courage to tell him. I am outraged.

Puppster · 21/08/2008 09:27

Just wanted to say that I think it sounds like you're doing amazingly, esp on the sex thing - our DS is 22 weeks, still bf, not sleeping through and we've had sex 4 times in total, and the house is defintely a bit grubby...

If it helps at all, I find with my DH that a) when he's v stressed all his worst behaviours come out, so is this possibly what is happening with your DH re work, credit crunch fears etc - fwiw we have big rows about me going back to work and when (I'm freelance)as he feels terribly stressed by having to keep the family afloat by himself (huge mortgage based on 2 incomes etc)
and b) if I need him to do something, he can't cope with a big list, he needs to be asked (told) one thing at a time, and then needs celestial choirs to come down and praise his work, ie micro managed. I know that doesn't quite address the original issue, but it may help with sharing some of the load?

Also, I think that my DH and I would kill each other if at home together all day, is there anyway that you can work out a way to give each other a bit of space?

I do think your DH is being particularly horrible, and YANBU at all, but just trying to give some practical thoughts, rather than an all or nothing approach

LongLiveCuckoo · 21/08/2008 09:28

Agree with TPL. That's what I should have done. I was so terrified of being a single mum that I just put up a defence but then when it fell on deaf ears, capitulated totally.

I should have done what the PL suggested. And MEANT it.

But in a way, I'm glad I didn't. Having a baby sorts out the wheat from the chaff. Your husband (and mine) were chaff by the sounds of it.

IShaggedInVictorianSqualor · 21/08/2008 09:30

I'm going to buck the trend here.
When I read the beginning of your post I assumed he was working full-time and thought that he had a point.

I too have a young baby, waking a few times a night, and it's hard, I totally agree but if you don't work on your relationship now it will only get worse.

However, he is being a total lazy arse not working but expecting you to do everything.
But, I don't think he is being awful in feeling this way, at all.

I think he has approached it wrong, but he is feeling ignored, and understandably so, you don't even share a bed.

Things need sorting, but BOTH of you need to work on it.

I cannot recommend sleeping sidecar enough, DS2 wakes up at 10:30ish when I go to bed, has a feed, then I have a cuddle with DP, who comes up at the same time as me. DS then wakes again about 1:30 and at about 3:30/4ish, at which times I can just pull him over to me, feed him lying down and practically sleep through, then when he is back to sleep I just push him back onto his cot.

What time does the baby go to bed?
Could you try ordering take-away tonight, and having dinner together so you can talk rather than argue?

Explain to him you're absolutely shattered, and that you understand he is feeling neglected but you're feeling like he is taking the piss and as he is at home you think he should do more around he house. Tell him everything that bothers you, but not in a digging way, don't say 'You're a lazy arse and you need to do more' phrase it with more emphasis on the 'I', so 'I am shattered, and I don't feel appreciated, so I don't feel like I want to have sex with you/sleep in the same bed but I can see where you're coming from'.

If he turns it into a conversation slagging you off, firmly but calmly redirect it. 'No, I won't sit here to be slagged off, I want to talk about how things can change, not be accused of doing things wrong, that way we can try and sort something out, but I am not wiling to let you speak to me like this'. Chances are he's not a complete arse, or why would you be with him anyway?

Also, I really think you need to start sharing a bed again, however you do it, because sharing a bed is about a lot more than sex.

(BTW, glad you go the BFing back on track, well done)

TheGreatScootini · 21/08/2008 09:31

'Is it Ok for a house to be just ok at this stage''?

MY dd's are 2.5 and 1 and let me tell you my house looks like a bomb has hit it.There is simply no point in cleaning other than the really necessary becuase toddlers wreck it within 10 seconds.If he thinks its messy now let him wait till the baby can get into stuff.
Crap wife?!You sound like you are doing great to me!
Its not the dark ages..If he's home all day he should be doing 50% of the work..

I cant believe there are still men that think like this.I simply cant.

Rant over.

Can you go to your Mums/friends/a hotel for a bit and get a break from him?Because when you are kanckered and coping admirably with a new baby the last thing you need is to cope with a bigger kid (dh) too, IYSWIM.

TheGreatScootini · 21/08/2008 09:31

'Is it Ok for a house to be just ok at this stage''?

MY dd's are 2.5 and 1 and let me tell you my house looks like a bomb has hit it.There is simply no point in cleaning other than the really necessary becuase toddlers wreck it within 10 seconds.If he thinks its messy now let him wait till the baby can get into stuff.
Crap wife?!You sound like you are doing great to me!
Its not the dark ages..If he's home all day he should be doing 50% of the work..

I cant believe there are still men that think like this.I simply cant.

Rant over.

Can you go to your Mums/friends/a hotel for a bit and get a break from him?Because when you are kanckered and coping admirably with a new baby the last thing you need is to cope with a bigger kid (dh) too, IYSWIM.

TheGreatScootini · 21/08/2008 09:31

'Is it Ok for a house to be just ok at this stage''?

MY dd's are 2.5 and 1 and let me tell you my house looks like a bomb has hit it.There is simply no point in cleaning other than the really necessary becuase toddlers wreck it within 10 seconds.If he thinks its messy now let him wait till the baby can get into stuff.
Crap wife?!You sound like you are doing great to me!
Its not the dark ages..If he's home all day he should be doing 50% of the work..

I cant believe there are still men that think like this.I simply cant.

Rant over.

Can you go to your Mums/friends/a hotel for a bit and get a break from him?Because when you are kanckered and coping admirably with a new baby the last thing you need is to cope with a bigger kid (dh) too, IYSWIM.

Onestonetogo · 21/08/2008 09:31

Message withdrawn

Original poster
turtle23 · 21/08/2008 09:33

We have tried having baby in with us. He gets angry about being woken up. Cake? Eat it? I cannot magically be in two places at once. Would dearly love to be out of baby's room. He snores.

OP posts:
Puppster · 21/08/2008 09:33

Think the poster is a good idea, I do worry slightly that he may react badly as will feel trapped

Think VS makes huge sense

TheGreatScootini · 21/08/2008 09:33

So mad I posted it thrice.Ooops

TheHedgeWitch · 21/08/2008 09:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
turtle23 · 21/08/2008 09:34

And I have no problem doing dinner. DS goes down at 7 and doesn't wake til 1. DH gets fresh-cooked meal every night.
VS...I do know this needs sorting, I do, just dont know how to cope with it all.

OP posts:
pudding25 · 21/08/2008 09:35

OMG just read that he goes out dancing 4 times a wk, tried to make you carry on having sex when your poor baby was screaming with teething pain, I feel like crying for you. He is so awful. I am so sorry.
And as for my house, it constantly looks like a bomb has hit it. I hate it being a mess but it is me who gets stressed by it, not my DH and he will help tidy while I look after DD or vice versa.
My DH would never dream of going out 4 times a week and leaving me at home with DD. In fact, he wouldnt have done it before baby. I dont know any of my friends husbands who would dream of behaving like this.
You need to have a serious chat with him, tell him how unhappy you are. Counselling as someone suggested if he would go.

IShaggedInVictorianSqualor · 21/08/2008 09:36

oh something else, you say he doesn't do much with the baby, could he be scared?

It can be a terrifying tme for a new dad, all of a sudden they lose their partner and to boot there is this tiny little creature that is totally dependant that although they absolutely adore and would love to do things with, they're petrified, plus you seem so much more capable and they think it's better to let you do it.
Then they realise they are on the sidelines looking in at their family rather than actually involved.

Mothers have it tough, of course we do, but so do Dads yet no-one really recognises it.

Greedygirl · 21/08/2008 09:38

You sound like you need some sleep. Could you go to bed at same time as DS for a couple of nights? Know this won't necessarily improve situation with DH in the short-term but you can't work stuff out when you are too tired to think straight!

TheHedgeWitch · 21/08/2008 09:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

pudding25 · 21/08/2008 09:40

I just wanted to also say that I think you are coping amazingly, especially given the fact that you have no help at home.

Do you have parents/friends to help and support you? You mentioned one of your friend's spoke to him. Maybe someone else could? His mum, your mum?

Original poster
turtle23 · 21/08/2008 09:40

geedy-i go to bed with ds...that's part of the problem.

OP posts:
Puppster · 21/08/2008 09:40

VS you could be talking about my DH - refuses to do 10.30 bottle as he finds it stressful

Turtle, maybe try and deal with things bit by bit, rather than treating it as one big problem, perhaps addressing the practicalities of the house first?

IShaggedInVictorianSqualor · 21/08/2008 09:41

Well, he has a choice then doesn't he. Give him the choice. Tell him you'd love to share a bed with him again but to do that the baby needs to come in too. If he's not happy with that then he has made the decision so he can't complain.

I'll be honest if I was being an arse and someone made a poster I'd be furious that they hadn't sat me down and talked about it, like he tried to with you (very badly, but I'd like to think he was just trying to explain how he felt and got it all wrong)