Is DH an ass or am I unreasonable...please do tell me

[turtle23]

DS is 21 weeks old today and I have a happy, smiley, lovely child that everyone thinks is fab. He did sleep through very briefly, but now is waking 3 times a night. I have struggled with BF and weaned him off then went back, and we're finally getting it right.
Anyway, DH sat me down last night and said he was very unhappy with my selfishness. We sleep in seperate bedrooms as DH goes to bed at about 1 and I am about to wake up for first time then. Apparently I am a horrible wife as I don't stay up with him then sleep in our bed. We only have sex a couple of times a month, which isn't enough, I know, but I just cant as I'm so tired. He tells me it's terrible that the house isn't sparkling as I only have one baby to take care of. DH doesn't work, he is "setting up a new business" which he has done nothing towards since he was made redundant in November. He will not help around the house or with the baby as it's "my job."
When DS sleeps I am fine, but he just doesn't sleep well at the moment and I am knackered.
I do want to try and improve things, I don't like looking at a full ironing basket either. We can't afford a cleaner at all, there's no family to help...AIBU to not be superwoman? My house isn't THAT BAD!

VS- I agree with that, but what does one do about it? I try and include him and he backs away...

It sounds as if your dh is struggling to bond with your ds. I think that can be a big problem with dads esp when the mum is bfeeding - I mean the mum knows exactly what to do with the baby but the dad doesn't have a clue because he never gets a chance.

It might help your dh to have lots of forced time together with just him and your ds. If he is there during the day why don't you go out every afternoon for a few hours (for example) and leave them together.

I agree he is being a 1950s idiot, but I wonder if he is struggling with what his role is in all this? If he spends some solid time with ds just the two of them they could build up a nice relationship. Maybe at the moment he feels like it's you and the baby in one relationship and him on the sidelines with nothing?

Perhaps him playing the dad when people are there is a sign that he wishes it could be different but doesn't know how?

I did talk to him. Last night, the night before...this is an ongoing problem. I am being unreasonable and a bad wife is what I get every time I have gentle convos with him

I know THW, But they don't, they are mere men and as such need things spelling out for them.

It's also a good thing to remember that for men stress can build up testosterone, making them want more sex, for women being stressed makes us want less sex, so that just puts us at opposite ends of the spectrum. When DP is gagging for it and I'm not he has learnt that putting the eldest two to bed, drawing me a nice hot bubble bath and pouring me a glass of wine magically makes me more likely to give it up

I have asked very nicely that if DH wants it, that he takes over at 6 and does bath and bottle and bed while I relax and readjust. He hasn't once.
lease note, VS, I am not really shouting at you, just frustrated. I did ask for advice.

How about you both write down what you're feeling?
Explain to him you don't feel listened to and you don't think you're able to take in his real feelings because is just feels like accusations and suggest both of you write it down, also tell him that rather than making slights on each other you think it would be good to start each sentence with I so as not to be so directionally aggressive?
I think he's lucky to have you btw, you could have quite easily said, 'you know what, fuck off' but instead you want to find a way to make it work. That's something he needs to realise too.
What would he say if he read this thread? I got DP to read one of my threads once to explain without needing me to be there iyswim, it really helped.

A fresh cooked meal!!We only do that on weekends.Mostly we eat fish finger sandwiches because we do not have time/energy for anything else in the week.(The DD's get rather better fayre as a rule because I cook in advance for them at weekends)If I was not at work this would still most likely be the case as it is KNACKERING AND TIME CONSUMING looking after children.

I dunno ISIVS..Its hard for both parents with a new baby-it is.But you surely must go through it together, not issue demands and what not, as the OP's DH has done.If you are freaking out about a new baby/changes to your relationship etc, then fine, say so, but dont criticize about sodding house work, surely?
Plus I truly believe that the Dads dont get it quite as bad-becuase they dont have the physical ramifications of having a baby to deal with as well as everything else..Their hormones arent raging, their boobs arent on fire, their bits havent been dessimated by birht etc.Those things are enough to deal with on their own without everything else..

I know you're not turtle.

Right, I am with you now - sorry! Agree with Puppster, you need to tackle one thing at a time. Dinner would be a good start. Offer lots of compromises and see what he says - if you stay up for a couple of hours of adult time could he help you with the cleaning (at the very least he could run the hoover around!) You could share a bed as long as he understands that you will attend to your baby immediately if he is crying or he co-sleeps. If you are being ultra-reasonable and assertive (even if you feel like throttling him) he will find it much harder to act like a spoilt brat.

TGS, often hormones are raging in men, just not the same ones we have

I do agree he went totally the wrong way about it, but maybe he doesn't want/know how to explain exactly how he is feeling?

My DP will whinge and moan about something visible a lot easier than he'll tell me his true feelings, and I find he is quite good with emotion. Not everyone finds it easy to say 'I feel neglected' or 'I'm scared' especially as saying those words can make it 'real'.

You can just imagine it in the pub or the office What kind of man is scared/jealous of their own baby, hahahaha, wuss, hahaha' etc.

Oh sounds like you are already doing this.

well if gentle conversations are not working it's time to change strategy. Sadly it looks like he understands what you think, but that he simply does not agree with it - and that you hear what he is saying but do not agree with him.

This is a bit like a lost tooth filling. You put off going to the dentist because you can't face the drill and next thing you find you are in agony with an abcess, wishing you'd dealt with it ages ago.

Have you cosidered counselling alone? Relate were brilliant with me on my own when I was facing similar issues. You can take dc along, and they prioritise families.

Somebody mentioned his mum ages ago...I have talked to her. Or rather, she talked to me. She wanted to know if I was ok since her son was being so horrid. She saw it, I never said a word. Am assuming that DH doesn't want to end up with house like hers. It is rancid. My house is always clean, just a little messy.

Call his bluff. Tell him it's not the baby and the housework you can't cope with. It's is 1950's idea of perfection and his unrealistic and unfair expectations of you.

Tell him that you will be going back to work, as being a sahm Mum only works when the Dad has leapt in to this century. If the Dad is stuck in the 1950s then it's even more important that you get back to work.

My x was so anti me working, it really cornered me. I was stuck between a rock and a hard place when I finally faced up the fact that he was an arse and I'd be happier without him.

Please, at the risk of sounding like Xenia, get back to work.

You sound incredibly reasonable and he sounds like an arse!!

Can you turn his complaints back round on him?

I'd say to him 'ok, so you arent happy because you want a tidier house and more sex. I'm not happy bcause I am working incredibly hard to look after the baby and the house on little sleep.... where can we both compromise to meet in the middle? you go first'

If he wont offer up anything in terms of a compromise then it seems counselling is the only way to go if you dont want to leave him.

I have to say I'm not as understanding as you and I would leave him if my DH did this. Sorry you are going through this stress.

Yes, and tell him that you're not happy because he is confusing a home with a five star hotel.

I used to say this to my x. Fell on deaf ears mind you. He thought that his semi-d in suburbia was the Astoria, and I was maid, cook, whore, PA..... All that with a child who should be seen and not heard. THAT was basically what he wanted!

Have you given up working? I made that mistake. Giving up working is only an option when the man regards you as equal members of TEAM Family iykwim. He regards you as his employee. An incompetant employee.

Get a better boss, who will pay you a salary.

I wish I had.

I certainly wouldn't go in all guns blazing and start talking about 1950s and 5* hotels.
Remember turtle wants to fix things, and things don't get fixed in that way, they get fixed by taking time and compromising.
If he is already being a shit turtle needs to find a way to get him to listen to her, and to feel like she is listening to him, not start another row.
I'm certainly not blaming you for the break-up, but you are talking about your EX here, not a present partner with which you have managed to make it work.

He is a BIG FAT ARSE! He does not work and he thinks you should do all the housework AND look after the baby?
Has he always been like this...a little teenager.
As as for sex, he can forget it until he bucks his ideas up...boyo!
It's hard enough with a 5 month old baby, let alone having to deal with a BIG BABY!
Send him over here i'll sort him out

YANBU he's a complete arse.
Does he smoke pot? (just out of interest).

I just wondered if she'd married my XP .

yes but sometimes VS going in all guns blazing is what works. my dh used to be not too dissimilar to turtles and we are still not at a point where i am completely happy i.e. i know he still secretly believes that i should do my hair and make up each morning and dress nicely, have the house perfect and the children should look immmaculate and speak only when spoken too, a la 1950 . he does however now realise that this is not going to happen and that its unfair to expect it. he has also started making more of an effort in the house and with the children.

i got to this point with a lot of shouting and screaming and name calling and threatening to leave him, aswell as talking to him and explaining things to him. i started off talking about it. i talked untill i was blue in the face. i wrote lists and timetables for chores that we both agreed upon. nothing worked. then the shouting started. that didnt work. then he realised i was actually serious about leaving him if he didnt change. that worked.

some men need you to shout and scream and threaten or they will just nod and ignore your nagging polite requests because they know ultimately that you will do it anyway

I am past the BF stage with my two, and have been with my self-employed partner for nearly 3 years. My youngest is disabled and still in nappies and waking at night sometimes though, so it's still hard work. I am frankly a lazy arse when it comes to housework, and although we would both like the place to be tidier (there is laundry from 1996 still in baskets etc) we know that something has to give unless one or both of us turns into a miserable drudge. Hence, the house looks appalling, but I am happy and never ratty with my demanding dc(s), and I have a great sex life and loving affectionate relationship with DP. My point is that you can't do EVERYTHING and be happy, so see if you can get him to decide which bits are more important

Turtle - I'm sorry to say that you appear to have made a beautiful baby with an inconsiderate, idle and selfish knobhead.