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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is DH an ass or am I unreasonable...please do tell me

151 replies

turtle23 · 21/08/2008 07:58

DS is 21 weeks old today and I have a happy, smiley, lovely child that everyone thinks is fab. He did sleep through very briefly, but now is waking 3 times a night. I have struggled with BF and weaned him off then went back, and we're finally getting it right.
Anyway, DH sat me down last night and said he was very unhappy with my selfishness. We sleep in seperate bedrooms as DH goes to bed at about 1 and I am about to wake up for first time then. Apparently I am a horrible wife as I don't stay up with him then sleep in our bed. We only have sex a couple of times a month, which isn't enough, I know, but I just cant as I'm so tired. He tells me it's terrible that the house isn't sparkling as I only have one baby to take care of. DH doesn't work, he is "setting up a new business" which he has done nothing towards since he was made redundant in November. He will not help around the house or with the baby as it's "my job."
When DS sleeps I am fine, but he just doesn't sleep well at the moment and I am knackered.
I do want to try and improve things, I don't like looking at a full ironing basket either. We can't afford a cleaner at all, there's no family to help...AIBU to not be superwoman? My house isn't THAT BAD!

OP posts:
thomsc · 22/08/2008 08:44

jeez... How old is this man?

His role is to do everything he can to support you, protect his child and make both of you happy. Or have I got that wrong?

TotalChaos · 22/08/2008 08:48

YANBU. Possibly he is slightly depressed - DH was very slightly depressed, so very little help at all with DS, but he did a lot of the housework etc, and never ever ever moaned about the house. I agree with whoever suggested counselling - as if he is at all depressed then he's got someone to moan to other than you!!! DH was also a bit better with the baby when others were around - I think it's a kind of guilt that deep down they know they should be behaving differently.

I would be very concerned right now about your finances, and want to make sure all the bills are being met, given that your DH seems to be making so little headway with the new business.

StellaWasADiver · 22/08/2008 09:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheProvincialLady · 22/08/2008 16:18

turtle, I am very sad for you. I could not put up with my partner behaving the way yours does, no way. It is insulting to you and the fact that he is pressuring you to have sex is just the icing on the cake. How serious do you think this is? Is it stuff that you would like to see improve but can basically live with, or is it deal breaking stuff? Because if it is the latter then you really need to be very direct and specific about what you want to change, and within what timescale. Otherwise you could find yourself 5 years down the road in more or less the same situation.

becaroo · 22/08/2008 16:28

I dont think he is depressed...I think he is a twat.

TheProvincialLady · 22/08/2008 16:32

Yes becaroo - and I think that whenever men are acting selfishly in the early days of having a young child, people are too quick to say he must be depressed. Yes, depressed that he can't carry on doing exactly what he wants, when he wants and being serviced 5 times a week in the bargain.

becaroo · 22/08/2008 16:38

Exactly, theprovinciallady.

Depression is a very serious illness and people who are depressed rarely go to the gym or salsa classes 4 times a week! They cant get out of bed!

What exactly are you or your child gaing from this idiot and this "realationship"?

wittyusername · 22/08/2008 20:47

YANBU.

Your DH is being an arse.

fitnfortyone · 22/08/2008 23:36

Maybe not so much depressed as in denial, about lifestyle changes required by both baby and lack of job....in which case he needs to face up to the fact that he shouldn't really go out squandering cash on the gym and salsa etc (maybe a tub of it is ok)...when is he going to give you the opportunity for some time off? You may have agreed to stay at home and look after the house as well as the baby, but that shouldn't mean 24/7 unless he thinks you're slave labour as well as superwoman.
If he was going to employ you as a nanny and cleaner, what hours would you be working then? Are you complying with the EC directive on excessive hours?

squiffy · 23/08/2008 11:51

Sorry to say this turtle, but if you want to know how much of a twat your husband really is, I read your opening post absolutely convinced that you were trolling (and badly at that) - then I saw you had a profile etc.

please read the rest here in the context of my being quite a fierce woman (so I appreciate it might be a bit OTT)

If it were me I would express some milk, pack a bag, sweetly hand over baby and tell him you are off for a bit and will see him in 48 hours. AND leave the mobile behind. Go to nice hotel. sleep. Go home, make him cup of tea and ask him if he managed to get any laundry done while you were out.

The less extreme version is to force him to tell you how many hours he is willing to commit to relationship each day. And nail him to an answer, 10? 5? 3? and make a point of ranking it in terms of.... so Gym hours per week = 12, salsa = 16, relationship = 5. Then list the hours you are doing. housework x, baby Y sex Z, yourself.... 0 I guess. Then ask him if he considers this to be a reasonable split. If he says no you have the basis to start renegotiating these hours. If he thinks he is right then you need to take him to relate and discuss exactly this list with them. Any macho arse will squirm at this. Benefit of writing these hours down is that you can keep a nice list on the fridge where you put down what he says he does against what he actually does each day. Be pointed about it. Discuss it with his parents when they come to visit. Maybe give it a title 'reward chart' and sweetly tell him if he gets 5 gold stars in a row you will go down on him. Time to humiliate him and when he accuses you of exactly that, tell him that's exactly what he has been doing to you for last 6 months.

Or kick him out and tell him to come back in a week if he is willing to change.

Sorry but the guy needs a wake-up call and will carry on getting away with it for as long as you let him. Tell him that at the moment he is adding no value to your life whatsoever and behaving like a 3 year old. And tell him that if he really doesn't get that then you are better off without him so that you can have the freedom to find a decent man instead of putting up wiht a petulant boy. Which is all true by the way,so you may as well follow through if nothing else works.

I seriously think that things will not get better unless you up the ante, big time. He is miles beyond being able to take in something like those babyproofing books. If you don't do radical stuff then you will have to put up with this for a long time. The baby will get easier after a bit but your resentment won't. If you up the ante there is I guess a chance of doing irreperable damage to the relationship, but is the relationship as it stands worth maintaining in it's current form?

Turniphead1 · 23/08/2008 11:54

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

3andnomore · 23/08/2008 12:08

Gosh, and your dh thinks that you are selfish.....????????????
He sounds extremely selfish...and needs to grow up...he is a dad now and a Baby changes everything.
Squiffy had some good hinters of what you could or should do about this...he certainly needs a wakeup call...

tiggerlovestobounce · 23/08/2008 12:14

YANBU.

Squiffy gives good advice.

Its hard enough looking after one baby, but you have two.

fitnfortyone · 23/08/2008 18:46

bugger it squiffy, my DH wants a chart now and to know what he has to do for those 5 gold stars!!!

turtle23 · 25/08/2008 16:37

So, we went away for the weekend and DH got some very serious words from me. He has agreed to do one night a week, 3 bedtime hours(bath, bottle, bed) and a lie-in day. I am trying not to judge, maybe he will actually do it. Friends we stayed with this weekend said they'd never seen me looking so gloomy and hated me by the end of wknd as all I can do is whine about my life. I guess I should stop complaining.

OP posts:
Turniphead1 · 25/08/2008 19:56

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

fitnfortyone · 25/08/2008 22:27

turtle, come on here and whinge all you want, you need someone to talk to and we're all here to listen. We're all also queuing up with blunt instruments to knock some sense into your DH, but you're chipping away at him for now so we'll hold off.

Really hope he's as good as his word, little steps are positive.
x

claudiaschiffer · 25/08/2008 23:23

Well done turtle it sounds as if the balance in your relationship with dh is changing. It's such a shame that you are in this position but hopefully your firmness will pay off and he will realise that he has been rubbish and will improve.

I am a bit at some of the more, um, fierce, comments on here. I do think it is a rather silly mn trend to yell leave him hysterically at every useless dh on this forum. When a baby comes along it is a huge period of adjustment for both men and women, however women do tend to get it more quickly, and men can take their time to readjust. This is no excuse for your dh's rather shameful behaviour but it is not that uncommon. My own dh was pretty useless with our babies but now the eldest is 3 he is fantastic. It sounds like lots of talking and you being assertive and stating exactly what you want him to do is a very good solution to his rather childish ways.

Good luck.

ILikeYourSleeves · 25/08/2008 23:31

at your DH! He is being totally unsupportive of you and sounds extremely selfish!!!! I've not read all the replies but I agree with Claudiaschiffer in that probably lots of men are useless at the start. My DH was pretty crap at the start too and although I still do most of the practical things with DS, DH is now brilliant with DS and loves him to bits. I think he's better since Ds has grown up and become more interactive and he's even offered to take him for a day a week when I go back to work (!). I think you really need to talk to Dh and sort this all out before you are zapped of your last ounce of energy and patience!

choosyfloosy · 25/08/2008 23:59

turtle I think you're amazing, i would be in bits if dh had treated me this way. Dh was not a lot of use tbh when ds was very small as he was very ill for about 2 years, but he never made a critical comment about the state of the house, me or our sex life, and this is a large part of why we are still together.

I think you're right to try and think positively about the discussions you have had. How he acts from now on is more important, I hope. I wish you the greatest strength and courage.

And him two braincells, the arse.

Starbear · 27/08/2008 22:13

Turtle, how's it going? Hope he's improving
next time post this on behaviour/development and see DH as a work in progress but don't let on to him !!!

turtle23 · 28/08/2008 07:34

Thanks Starbear...DS was rotten with teething pain and DH noticed how wearing it was. He did bathtime last night and has been trying a bit. Hope it lasts!

OP posts:
WickedBitchoftheEast · 28/08/2008 11:27

Divorce him and become a single mum ... it looks easier than looking after two kids

one of them being your DH, in fact it's such a good idea I might look into myself

VictorianSqualor · 28/08/2008 11:38

claudiaschiffer, I totally agree.

Turtle loves this man and wants to make a go of it, telling her to leave him is less productive than not posting.

Glad things are looking up turtle, you have my email if you ever need someone to whinge to

squilly · 28/08/2008 19:11

Read Squiffy's post. It was prettty much on the same lines as what I'd say if I was cleverer

The guy needs teaching a lesson.

If he was my man, he'd be my ex-dh before you could blink. But then, I don't take no crap from no-one! Least of all when I was a hormonal raging animal with little sleep, little energy and a lack of empathy for anyone else!

I hope you manage to sort something out as you can't carry on like this. Lopsided relationships are just wrong, unless you can happily accept it. And I don't think you can or should accept what he's asking for.

He's being totally unreasonable...