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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is DH an ass or am I unreasonable...please do tell me

151 replies

turtle23 · 21/08/2008 07:58

DS is 21 weeks old today and I have a happy, smiley, lovely child that everyone thinks is fab. He did sleep through very briefly, but now is waking 3 times a night. I have struggled with BF and weaned him off then went back, and we're finally getting it right.
Anyway, DH sat me down last night and said he was very unhappy with my selfishness. We sleep in seperate bedrooms as DH goes to bed at about 1 and I am about to wake up for first time then. Apparently I am a horrible wife as I don't stay up with him then sleep in our bed. We only have sex a couple of times a month, which isn't enough, I know, but I just cant as I'm so tired. He tells me it's terrible that the house isn't sparkling as I only have one baby to take care of. DH doesn't work, he is "setting up a new business" which he has done nothing towards since he was made redundant in November. He will not help around the house or with the baby as it's "my job."
When DS sleeps I am fine, but he just doesn't sleep well at the moment and I am knackered.
I do want to try and improve things, I don't like looking at a full ironing basket either. We can't afford a cleaner at all, there's no family to help...AIBU to not be superwoman? My house isn't THAT BAD!

OP posts:
AbbeyA · 21/08/2008 08:25

I should just announce that you are going out, leave him the baby, a list of instructions and jobs. He won't understand what hard work it is until he starts doing his share.

liath · 21/08/2008 08:26

I'd honestly suggest counselling - he might find it a lot harder to justify himself to a third party.

Good luck.

MrsBigD · 21/08/2008 08:26

what a twonk! list of demands??? Just counter it with your list of requests in how he can halp you to be less tired so he'll 'get some'

btw I have 2 kids (4 and 6) dh 'gets some' once a month if he's lucky and the house is a shambles. my mind is on other things with juust havingmoved to australia, sorting out childcare, trying to find work, etc.

Defo make him look after the bub for a weekend... bet after about 12h he'll give up

Original poster
turtle23 · 21/08/2008 08:27

Will be back to check later...am going to go and lounge about the house again. Funny how when I do that the washing gets done and food appears. Magic!

OP posts:
AbbaFan · 21/08/2008 08:27

Sounds to me like you are doing a great job:

1/ a happy baby

2/ a ok house

3/ a dh 'getting some' twice a month

If your DH didn't realise that you would not be able to give him the same amount of attention as before, then he is deluded!

Babies really do change everything.

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 21/08/2008 08:27

if you follow abbey a's advise make sure you switch your phone off. ime it will be five minutes after you leave the house before you get a phone call whining "where are the baywipes/nappies/clean clothes/baby" and you will have to come back.

plus its going to take a lot longer than a few hours for him to get the full effect of what you have to cope with.

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 21/08/2008 08:37

an example of a real man

me and dh this morning
me; "you have 10 mins to get up get dressed and get to work you know?"
dh; "dont care"
me; "its your day off isnt it?"
dh; "yes, pass me my baby i want to cuddle her"
me; "phone me when you want me to come and get her up im going back downstairs"
dh "ill get her up but ill phone you and you can do her breakfast ready, why are up so early?"
me; "im not its 8:30 and im going to do some ironing"
dh; "no leave that im going to do that later"

Lizzylou · 21/08/2008 08:40

Turtle, you are YANBU, your DH most certainly is. It's not the 1950's FFS!
You need to put your foot down and kick his ass. Your son is both of yours responsibility, as is your home (esp if your DH isn't working).
He is taking the pee massively, but I am sure you are aware of this.

puffylovett · 21/08/2008 08:51

Maybe you should sit him down and tell him how unhappy you are with his archaic 'fifties'attitude. Then hand him a list of what a 'noughties' man is expected to do for family and home. Then bugger off and leave him for 24 hours with said list ! Nope, 24 hours wouldn't be enough, go to a friends for 48 hours minimum

YA definitely NBU !!!

puffylovett · 21/08/2008 08:52

Oh and PS tell him you're refusing him sex until he changes his attitude

ninedragons · 21/08/2008 08:56

Jesus Christ, find out where he was hiding when the meteor hit and how he managed to escape the Cretaceous Extinction.

Original poster
turtle23 · 21/08/2008 08:57

I suppose that I should add that we made an agreement that I would not go back to work and would look after baby and home while he worked. If this were the case, I wouldn't mind, but he does F all and I just dont see why it should all be me. Even if it's just until DS learns to sleep a bit better. Still, I never kept the house *sparkling even before DS....

OP posts:
pamelat · 21/08/2008 08:57

Sounds like an idiot.

My DH was always supportive but then got 48 hours with our 5 month old (whilst I went away on a hen do!) and when I came back he said that it was amazing that I even managed to do basic house chores!

The sex "complaint" is damn right rude. How can he expect you to carry on when your baby is crying in teething pain?!

Maybe he is feeling pushed out? But even so he needs to check his behaviour.

ninedragons · 21/08/2008 09:00

Well, he can hardly hold you to an agreement that he has broken, can he?

He is supposed to be working. He is not.

You can try counselling. Personally I would try a locksmith.

mrsruffallo · 21/08/2008 09:00

YANBU
Not all men are like this, you can't put it down to that
He is the one being selfish, but it can take a while to adjust to parenthood
Give him a frank talking to

Original poster
turtle23 · 21/08/2008 09:04

I suggested he talked to his best friend, as they have a baby. Friend admitted that it was 6 months before first time they had sex, and that he never saw his wife...never went out, etc. DH just didn't hear. Thinks there's something wrong with everyone that they cant have things back to normal.

OP posts:
LazyLinePainterJane · 21/08/2008 09:10

I think that if my DH was like this after we had DS, what would make me the saddest would would be the mere fact that he was acting in that way. I mean, the demands and the lack of housework and baby help would infuriate me but ultimately, I would realise that I never knew him at all if he was like this.

I know that I couldn't spend my life and have more children (!) with someone who saw my role and his in that way.

He needs a kick up the arse. Hopefully that's all he needs before he finds himself single.

What baby tasks does he do? Anything?

lovecat · 21/08/2008 09:11

OMG, YA soooo NBU!

DH and I had a version of this conversation when dd was about 12 weeks - partly my own fault because in the madness of pregnancy I'd airily said 'oh, and of course the house will be tidy, after all I'll be at home all day' - and he reminded me of this when the place was a stinking pit of filth bit of a mess.

Unfortunately I also had raging PND and this just made me feel even more of a useless failure and even now, 3.5 years on, I feel like I'm being judged and found wanting over the housework (however, he is now WELL aware of the chaos dd can create in 5 mins flat and how difficult it is to find time to clear up after it, so that's my problem, not his!).

At least I didn't have to put with demands for sex too... he sounds like an utter git, if you don't mind me saying so. Leave him for the weekend - the ENTIRE weekend - and see how he feels when you return.

I'd be rather worried that he's sitting around all day NOT setting up a business - that's your financial security at stake, after all. Is it possible he's a bit depressed? The sitting around doing nothing and then moaning that you're not 'pulling your weight' might be that he's feeling left out/depressed/let down and taking it out on you....? I'm wondering if the reality of a baby hasn't matched up to his fond memories of a large family and this is why he's behaving like this...?

Alternatively he might just be a complete arse

bumpybecky · 21/08/2008 09:12

turtle he's a selfish prat, sorry

what's his Mum like? any chance she can give him a reality check on life with a baby?

mrsruffallo · 21/08/2008 09:12

You need to tell him what you need in the same straightforward manner he has told you

Greedygirl · 21/08/2008 09:14

My DH dreams of twice a month....

I sympathise cos my DH definately had trouble adjusting to the fact that I was so focused on our LO to the exclusion of everything else and was pushing me to go out, have sex etc before I was ready. He also made random comments about housework not being done . 9 months on I think he is finally starting to realise how much I do and appreciate how lucky we are to have a smiley, happy baby. God, this thread is making me all hot and bothered and cross!

Anyway - YANBU!! He is being a prize wally.

honeybehappy · 21/08/2008 09:16

I'm sorry but your dh is being a twat how can he not want to cuddle his baby? My dp got the kids up early this morning and chucked them in our bed so we could all have some cuddles before he went to work.

Greedygirl · 21/08/2008 09:17

Busy thread, x-posts!

Lazyline - I felt exactly the same like I didn't know him at all if he could be so selfish when I was clearly knackered.

Lovecat - LOL - I also made wild promises along the lines of "of course, I'll have your tea on the table every night"!

Original poster
turtle23 · 21/08/2008 09:18

Have decided that kids respond to visual aids. DS is asleep and so is DH(as usual) so have made up a poster (he complained about finding a balance) in which I have listed all the things I am expected to do vs what he does (ie eat, gym, goes dancing alone 4 times a week, look at internet) to show him how "imbalanced" things really are. Have taped it to bedroom door.

OP posts:
Original poster
turtle23 · 21/08/2008 09:19

Oh, he does cuddle DS. As long as it's just exactly the right time he'll pick him up and kiss him then give him back. Unless we have people around, then he is all song and dance about baby. DS usually just stares at me while this happens, wondering what has come over daddy!

OP posts: