Is DH an ass or am I unreasonable...please do tell me

[turtle23]

DS is 21 weeks old today and I have a happy, smiley, lovely child that everyone thinks is fab. He did sleep through very briefly, but now is waking 3 times a night. I have struggled with BF and weaned him off then went back, and we're finally getting it right.
Anyway, DH sat me down last night and said he was very unhappy with my selfishness. We sleep in seperate bedrooms as DH goes to bed at about 1 and I am about to wake up for first time then. Apparently I am a horrible wife as I don't stay up with him then sleep in our bed. We only have sex a couple of times a month, which isn't enough, I know, but I just cant as I'm so tired. He tells me it's terrible that the house isn't sparkling as I only have one baby to take care of. DH doesn't work, he is "setting up a new business" which he has done nothing towards since he was made redundant in November. He will not help around the house or with the baby as it's "my job."
When DS sleeps I am fine, but he just doesn't sleep well at the moment and I am knackered.
I do want to try and improve things, I don't like looking at a full ironing basket either. We can't afford a cleaner at all, there's no family to help...AIBU to not be superwoman? My house isn't THAT BAD!

Tell him you don't feel like sex because you increasingly find him unattractive due to his complete selfishness, list of demands and the fact that he is a lazy bastard. Tell him when he stops being a twat you MAY feel like sex. But until he bucks his ideas up and stars helping around HIS house and with HIS child he can keep his cock fimly zipped up.

Tell him, if he's missing sex, he can always wedge himself sideways in the bath and suck his own kernob.

Surely he would need to have arib removed to be able to do that CW?Like Prince?

I don't rightly know, TGS. But the mental image of it always makes me laugh.

Is that why Prince did it? Eewwwww.

He is behaving very badly, you aren't being unreasonable, but you know that don't you?

I don't want to defend him but I do think what others have said about him having difficulty adjusting to being a parent and bonding with your DS rings true. Also, you say he was made redundant in November and doesn't know what he is going to do next. He must be feeling pretty insecure then? But instead of trying to fix that he's taking the fact that his life isn't as perfect as he thinks it should be out on you. I'm sure if he could sort his working life out things would be easier for you.

Acooridng to my DH CW..And when you look at him he is very flexible seeming

Omg, I can't believe it TGS. I can't even begin to wonder where he got the idea originally

Men - honestly!

May be making headway...will report back later, but we have been talking all morning.
And DH just changed a nappy for the 5th time ever.

So, the poster thing, silly as it was, started a more serious convo. He said do you really feel that way, i said um YES, he has helped a bit with house today, and has now taken DS for a walk. I have explained the bed thing again, and he finally heard me saying that I could sleep upstairs with him if DS comes too. He has agreed that makes him grumpy. Have compromised that every night he is willing to go to bed early, I will start out upstairs and move down when DS wakes. Have retold him for 90th time about taking over at bathtime in order to get sex out of me. He promises to, but have heard it before. Am hopeful that he has at least taken it in today. Will see how things go over the next week. He is still saying "see how easy it was to get house tidy? Only took 4 hours." 4 hours of both of us doing it, and with DS having a really good nap by chance. Argh. Thanks for the support ladies.

glad things are getting better but dont back down you will need to keep nagging nudging him to help untill it becomes habit for him as he has now gotten into the habit of having you doing everything.

it does show that he cares an he is not a complete twunt though if he is willing to admit that he may have been wrong and agree to help more. good luck

ah, the art of compromise....

Dh came back after 10 minutes, last 4 of which I watched him out back window looking for something in car with baby in sling. Ho hum. Small steps, I guess.

Oh dear turtle, YA def NBU! It is hard having such small babies but he MUST see that if he helps everyone will be happier. Even though XP and I are no longer together he still does loads for DD as he knows it's not worth the nagging if he doesn't help out.

However, when DD was first born he was a bit rubbish and so I went out for the evening and left him to get on with it. Could you do this? Leave him to babysit and go out for some wine and cocktails dinner with the girls?

He's an arse.

If he was my DH he'd be sleeping in the shed now. You're his partner, not the hired help.

OH, turtle. So sorry you're having to put up with DH as well as being sleep deprived.

I really sympathise with you. As you know, my DH is very similar. His role model growing up was a very 1950s style set up, apart from his Mum also worked 6 days a week!

His Dad never even made himself a cup of tea, let alone did housework. Gender-specific duties were clearly defined. And unfortunately, that's what DH expects from me. Everything baby related is MY job, full stop.

Our one concession is a cleaner. Can you, for the sake of your marriage, find a way to afford a cleaner? Seriously, I think it's what keeps me sane and married! Would that relieve a significant amount of stress? I can see, though, if his complaint about housework is just one of many issues he has.

I guess I don't have much real advice, but know that you're doing so much and doing the very best for your family. Hopefully your DH is starting to realise just how much you do. And also remember that sometimes good enough is good enough.

turtle, I would say YANBU, and I'm glad you've had some progress today.

The only extra thing I wanted to add was the whole not sleeping in the same bed is actually really bad for a relationship IME.

DS2 was a very unwell baby, and we would frequently be sleeping apart in my attempt to keep DH alert for work, driving etc.

After a while our relationship did suffer as other cuddles, kisses started to stop as well. Eventually DH just said 'come to bloody bed!' and I had forgotten how nice it was to have a cuddle with him. (just cuddles mind you, I was knackered!) After this the rest of it just naturally fell into place.

Saying that he has always been helpful and considerate, but it's fair to say that he hated sleeping apart whereas I was just glad for any sleep, and couldn't have cared less where it was!

I hope you get it sorted.

Can I suggest that you offer him a copy of this book:

www.amazon.co.uk/Baby-proofing-Your-Marriage-Communicate-Better/dp/0007243634/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=b ooks&qid=1219347027&sr=8-1

It basically boils down to:

Once you have a baby, men still want sex, and feel neglected. And women desperately need help with the baby and the chores.

The book is a funny take on this, and somehow it really hits the mark. It recommends something called a "training weekend" where the DH takes the baby for 48 hours and then see if he thinks you do nothing all day!!!

(Might work? If you can express?)

He does sound like an arse but also possibly feeling a bit neglected and also maybe he is not doing so brilliantly at the provider thing either, so feeling small and acting like a twunt. Like you say, small steps to build his confidence etc.

I came online to have a moan about my DH but after reading Turtle I know can't say a word.
But my DH has been off work (teacher)for the summer and each year it drives me insane. I can't explain here because it would be unfair to this thread.
My I humbly suggest a routine for all of you that can adjust to suit your family. Here goes with a few suggestions.
Who ever gets up first makes tea and everyone gets back into bed and baby gets fed too (only an idea)One who made the tea stay in bed while the other has a shower next person showers between you both someone makes the bed other sorts baby out. get Paper with baby. breakfast. Mum goes out for an 1/1/2 2 hours without baby does what she likes. Three chores gets done by DH. He then has some time off. you get my drift.
Evening routine (this is out fave weekend routine) Dinner with wine and baby and easy listening music(meaning you both must like it) Both clean up. Mum feeds baby have a little play then dad washes baby & dresses baby Mum reads story and sings a lulaby. Swap around until it works. Dad cuts back on going out and Mum goes out a little more. We have done this for four years and I think we will continue until DS is at Uni.....

Turtle, my DH has read the original post and said "what a c*nt"... asked if he had any suggestions from a male perspective and his only one was a pair of rusty scissors, so not much use there i'm afraid! And this from a poor bloke who hasn't had sex since we conceived!
Seriously though, it sounds like a combination of selfishness and lack of self esteem. He's probably forgotten that marriage and the whole having a family thing is a partnership, and is doing the classic male head in the sand routine over the fact he hasn't got a proper job to provide for you, so is taking it out on you to cover up for his own insecurities. Agree with VS re sleeping in same room, if he chooses not to get to bed until 1am that's his problem, but if he isn't working then the lack of sleep at night shouldn't be an issue, he can obviously just do what you're supposed to and nap during the day in those spare hours you have to get everything done.

Glad the poster had some effect, second and third the suggestion you get a cleaner any way you can - or else tell your DH that he can do it since he isn't working to enable you to afford it. Once your baby is old enough, then you can get him to help you clean (cheap child labour) but until then, tell DH that it is generally accepted practice that the household of a newborn is a slum. Anything better than slum is a Big Achievement.

I hope it's because he's feeling insecure, because if not, he's an ass.

Oh, I wrote so much stuff here... basically, the word he seems to be forgetting is PARTNERSHIP. Even if he is 'trying to set up a business' he needs to be supporting you as you look after his child. You share the responsibility and the workload, for everything FGS.

We were fortunate to have had the first 6 months together looking after DS1 before DW went back to work. Now, with DS1 almost 2 the flat is tidier, but only after bath and bed time, which DW does. Oh, and we got a cleaner.

I'm also trying to start a business and often work until 4am. Then get up at 8 with DS1, clean, run around after a 2 year old, do all the shopping and cooking and some work. Every day. Your chap is a lazy fecker who needs a reality-slap.

And sex? I am astonished either of us had the energy to conceive DC2 due in December. I had a nap in the car today when DS1 fell asleep on the way home. Parked up in the drive and put the seat back. These little darlings can be tiring!

Oh Starbear, I can only dream of such a thing. I get up at 630, he gets up at 1030. It is of VITAL IMPORTANCE that he goes to the gym in the morning at least 3 if not 5 times a week. He goes to salsa lessons then dancing after 3-4 times a week in the evenings(but to be fair has agreed to postpone those now.) I hate that I am painting a picture of a complete c"£$ but at the moment it's hard to see him any other way. He was just so smug that it was "easy" to get house much cleaner yesterday...why can't he see it's because he was HELPING me?

And just to add, after the "progress" yesterday, he said he didn't think he wanted any more kids but wouldn't deny me a second but that if we don't sort the sex thing out pronto we just wont last. I got very upset and wanted to show him facts and figures as to HOW MUCH SEX people really have in the first 6 months. We had sex twice last weekend, does that not count? (And once, I even enjoyed it... )

How much sex people have really depends on the relationship, IMO. It isn't about having a new baby. I have a younger baby than yours, as do the girls on my post-natal thread, and some of us are at it like rabbits

But the key thing here is the way those people are being treated by their partner, I really don't think anyone who has an active sex life after a baby is going to be happy doing so being treated like this. I know when DP is a bit of a prat he doesn't get any!

Try not to think about what he says wrt not wanting any more children, it could change, at the moment he is seeing all the bad points of having a baby and none of the good. Once he is back at work and DS is sleeping through and doing more things will seem a lot easier and he may reconsider, it's just the first few months that are tough (and TBH, pretty boring!)

Glad you got some headway, keep working at it and just remember to use the I tactic.

VS - reminds me of when I just had DS. We spent the night on the ward, and the midwife came in and said that a woman on the next ward who had just had a baby in the last 2 hours was having sex in the toilets. And she had stithces

Some of us aren't quite so keen....