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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to expect Selfish Parents not to blow all their money and my potential future inheritance?

89 replies

bunsen · 13/08/2008 20:34

I have never been one for hand outs, never had any financial help from my parents. I grew up on a council estate, but my dad earned good money, definitely enough to pay a mortgage on a nice house, my mum always bought expensive high end designer clothes and had all the latest tech gear. My mum and dad got some inheritance from my dad's dad when he died, about £20k which got spent on a brand new caravan.
In the past 2 years two of my mums relatives have died leaving money, one left £40k, my grandad has just left £150k. I have found out that the lifestyle that my mum and dad have had in the past 2 years has been provided by the £40k, also my dad owes £10k at least and they have increased the £40k mortgage they had so that it has doubled in price.
It makes me angry, that they have no regard for tomorrow, or for thier three kids who all have money woes or no house. I have been priced out of buying a home for the past 5 years, now have 2 small kids of my own and would love to have been given £5k to go towards my deposit that I have been saving for the past 5 years.
Am I being unreasonable? A couple of years ago I would have said yes, but now I have kids of my own I feel disappointed and ashamed of them.

OP posts:

tiredlady · 13/08/2008 20:37

No, I don't think YABU at all, but a lot of people on here would think you are.

I think it's ok to feel disappointed in them

nametaken · 13/08/2008 20:37

YABU

and greedy

It's their money, not yours.

DaisySteiner · 13/08/2008 20:37

No, I don't think you are really. Obviously it's their money to do with as they please, but I wouldn't be able to spend lots of money knowing that my children were having money problems.

Sullwah · 13/08/2008 20:38

Their money their choice.

unknownrebelbang · 13/08/2008 20:38

Their money.

thelittlestbadger · 13/08/2008 20:38

It is their money, but at the same time you may not worry about providing care homes for them as they get older which would blow your inheritance far more than they could ever spend.

MrsMattie · 13/08/2008 20:39

YANBU to feel privately disappointed. I would, too. But you cannot expect money from your parents once you are an adult.

bran · 13/08/2008 20:39

YABU I'm afraid, it's their money. I think you would find it easier if you didn't consider "if only" situations, it's very emotionally draining to have expectations of others when they consistantly fail to meet those expectations.

On the positive side, house prices are falling so with any luck you will be in a good position to enter the housing market in a couple of years.

falcon · 13/08/2008 20:40

YABU, while it would have been lovely and considerate if they had offered you a small amount of the money, it's their money, you're an adult and have no right to expect to be subsidised in any way.

thisisyesterday · 13/08/2008 20:40

yes, I think you are being unreasonable.

it is their money, and they're entitled to enjoy it.

I do understand you being disappointed though, I think I would be too, even though I would know that really it's their choice.

MissisBoot · 13/08/2008 20:40

I think you are being a little unreasonable.

Could you not ask them for a gift of £5k towards your deposit - maybe they just haven't thought about it?

Quattrocento · 13/08/2008 20:41

YANBU. One of the things I'd like to be able to afford for my DCs is to help them onto the housing ladder. Not that my parents gave me a penny, of course ...

harpomarx · 13/08/2008 20:41

before reading your op I would have said, yabu, their money etc.

but they do sound pretty uncaring about their own family and those are significant amounts of money which don't seem to have gone on anything of worth. And a few grand to each of their children wouldn't have made much a dent and would have clearly made a difference to you.

I can understand your disappointment.

wolfear · 13/08/2008 20:42

YANBU

It is their money but surely if they've got plenty of it they'd want to help their children out.

expatinscotland · 13/08/2008 20:43

LOL.

It's their money.

Yes, YABU. You never had hand outs, so why start now?

You were priced out and you went and had kids anyway.

Deal with it.

I did the same. Time was running out for us.

C'est la vie. My folks did very well for themselves.

I'm just extremely grateful that they've paid for and planned their own funerals and everything's set for their care if and when they get to infirm to care for themselves.

They will in no way financially burden us in their old age which is good because I have no means to provide for them, nor has my sister with two children to put through university soon.

What they do with the rest is entirely their business.

I don't plan on getting FA.

I made my bed, now I'll lie in it.

That's adulthood for ya.

Tinker · 13/08/2008 20:43

Their money etc. But I can't imagine having parents who wouldn't have tried to help if I was struggling financially. I think that's what's hurting you.

cluelessnchaos · 13/08/2008 20:44

YABU, my dad is loaded and is spending his cash on providing a very priviledged lifestyle to himself, his wife and his youngest daughter. And i dont grudge him a penny, it is his money and his chance to spend it, right now we have to watch every penny but hopefully when I am his age we willbe able to splurge a little more, should they go without to offer you the luxuries?

elmoandella · 13/08/2008 20:44

are you saying that your mother buys all this expensive clothes and dressed you in second hand cast offs?

probably not? you probably got all high tech gear going when you were younger also.

now your an adult they probably feel you have to learn value of money by saving your own deposit. or you have gave them the impression that your doing fine on your own.

have you ever actually ASKED for a loan for the deposit?? then if they were feeling flush they may gift it to you.

but you ABU they received the other monies as inheritence!!

your parents must be assuming the have plenty of life left and time to save. perhaps they have been paying into large insurance schemes that guarantee a windfall to you.

ChukkyPig · 13/08/2008 20:51

bunsen they sound utterly hopeless with money. And rather shortsighted. However it is their money and so they are free to do as they please with it. The people who left them the money would have known what they were like and chose to leave it to them anyway so that's that.

Yes it's disappointing but there's no point in worrying about it. You can't change anything and will only go round in circles getting more upset.

I think that definitely the way to look at it is that you have no obligation to look after them later on. Which is a harsh thing to think but may make you feel better now.

whatdayisit · 13/08/2008 20:51

I always say my parents gave me the ability, though my upbringing and education and their example, to earn my own money and spend/invest it wisely. Theirs is theirs to do with as they see fit.

I genuinely hope they have such long and full lives that there is not a penny left by the time they go. So yes YABU.

blueskythinker · 13/08/2008 20:52

I believe it's called skiing.

Spending the Kids' Inheritance

I agree with many of the other posters - whilst yuo should not actually expect anything, it is a bit weird that they have had a windfall of £210k, and not thought to gift any of it to their kids.

Do they let you use the caravan?

kitsmummy · 13/08/2008 20:52

YANBU, I'd be pissed off too and certainly would not blow £200k of inheritance if my kids were struggling (unless of course they'd been reckless and stupid with money and got themselves into a struggling situation)

amess · 13/08/2008 20:53

yabu but I would feel the same to some extent wouldn't we all?

However, if they left you massive debts to pay off because you had money wouldn't you be ?

Original poster

bunsen · 13/08/2008 20:54

I have to say guys taht I am the least likely person to expect anything from anyone, if someone was handing round biscuits, I would wait to be asked. Growing up as a kid I never asked for a thing, as I thought it was naughty. I have grown up never to expect anyting and only to rely on yourself which I think is the best gift my parents could have given me. I have not indulged at all in the past 5 years like others have, holidays, wedding, buying a home, nice cthes etc have taken a back seat and then kids came along so they were defo off the agenda. I am not putting out a sob story, I just want to point out that I am not an expecting person. My real concern is that they will soon end up in dire straights, then I expect them to come knocking on my door.
Thanks for your input though.

OP posts:

suedonim · 13/08/2008 20:56

YABU. It's their money to spend/fritter away as they wish. I'm sure it's nice to be given a helping hand by parents (not that dh and I have been given one) but as adults we should expect to have to get by on what we have.

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