AIBU to expect Selfish Parents not to blow all their money and my potential future inheritance?

[bunsen]

I have never been one for hand outs, never had any financial help from my parents. I grew up on a council estate, but my dad earned good money, definitely enough to pay a mortgage on a nice house, my mum always bought expensive high end designer clothes and had all the latest tech gear. My mum and dad got some inheritance from my dad's dad when he died, about £20k which got spent on a brand new caravan.
In the past 2 years two of my mums relatives have died leaving money, one left £40k, my grandad has just left £150k. I have found out that the lifestyle that my mum and dad have had in the past 2 years has been provided by the £40k, also my dad owes £10k at least and they have increased the £40k mortgage they had so that it has doubled in price.
It makes me angry, that they have no regard for tomorrow, or for thier three kids who all have money woes or no house. I have been priced out of buying a home for the past 5 years, now have 2 small kids of my own and would love to have been given £5k to go towards my deposit that I have been saving for the past 5 years.
Am I being unreasonable? A couple of years ago I would have said yes, but now I have kids of my own I feel disappointed and ashamed of them.

i would say you are an expecting person.

but in a backhanded way.

you biding your time for inheritence

So somewhere your parents have invested a 150k inheritance they received? And meantime they're spending a small amount of the money they've worked hard for?

Sorry but YABU. Perhaps they are thinking about your inheritance but, er, they're not dead yet. And be grateful for that.

Providing your home is your responsibility. doubtless they didn't get any financial help with that from their parents either.

If you must, ask them for an interest free loan. Are you working? What is the cause of the money woes of you and your siblings?

Perhaps they think you need to sort yourself out rather than them help you which would prevent you sorting yourself out? Which is of course a form of help...

It is their money and I am of the opinion when it comes to my parents that they shouldn't restrict themselves in order to leave our inheritance BUT and this is a BIG BUT (like mine will be after third child, ha ha ) I think the difference here is that your parents, to be honest, seem a bit selfish. I would have thought they would have offered help to all of you if they were in a position to do so. My parents have on many occasions, to the point where I have had to put my foot down and say, 'NO! We'll do it ourself, but thank you!' And I have to encourage them to do more with their money. I can undersand why you feel a bit hurt or put out.

If they do knock on your door, though, you will have to simply tell them 'Sorry, I can't afford to keep you.' And don't feel bad, because it's true!

I wouldn't do what they've done to my kids, either.

I know where you're coming from. My adult life has been, with the exception of a few years, been a struggle financially.

Whilst I wouldn't bail my kids out, I would help them out if I saw them struggling.

But it's not good or healthy for you to let it bother you too much because there's nothing you can really do about it, unfortunately.

Hmmm whatday I'm not sure. Education upbringing etc do help but can't guarantee a wage high enough for a reasonable place to live in a lot of parts of the country. I'm in North London and I don't know anyone who has bought their first place without any help from family.

Which is why I understand why bunsen feels pissed off - her parents have had £200K land in their laps and have blown the lot, and then some. Surely £10K to each of their kids and then merely spending £180K or whatever wouldn't have hurt? But like I say they sound useless with money. It doesn't even sound as if they've spent in on anything which can be passed down like some property or shares or something.

And as for the very rich in this country, thinking about the landed gentry types, they certainly hang on to their dosh and ensure as much as possible goes to their offspring, keeping them nice and rich and priviledged too. This model obviously works. Surely it's natural to want to help your children?

I think that basically I think people's money is their own to spend, and parents of adult children shouldn't deprive themselves to pass cash down. But £200K on nothing? That seems way OTT to me.

YANBU to feel disappointed and a bit ashamed. I would hope that in the same position as your parents I would choose to give my children some help if I could afford to - whether they are adults or not.

Obviously it is their money and their choice though but it seems a shame that your relatives who have died could not have left you and your siblings some money directly. Do you think they expected the money left to your parents would eventually filter down to you?

Here's an anomaly

Parents leave money to children when they die, which, in the natural order of things is when those children are in late middle age and don't need it. But why not give a little earlier when it can make a real difference?

I have not expected any inheritance when I was younger, not too fussed about getting any when they die either because then I won't need it. I am more bothered by the fact that my grandparents and uncle have died, left so much money, not got any and have watched them spend like billy ho. Yes it is thier money, I have often wished that my grandparents had blown all their money, but no, they have left it to my parents who have gone on 4 mega hols per year, as well as booze runs to France every couple of months.

One poster put that I would have benefitted growing up, no I wore cast off from my brother! I didn't get spoilt at all growing up, I had to sleep on a mattress on the floor for 4 years.

Now the plot thickens, my mum now she has got this money from my grandad wants to leave my dad and buy a house of her own.

Also she rarely sees my kids, too busy shopping.

Yes i think YABU, as other posts have said their money. But if you consider asking them for a loan it is reasonable if you offer to pay back with interest.have you discussed it with your siblings though? Maybe worth making sure everyone is included or consulted. My sis borrowed 5 grand from dad just months before before he died age 83,to improve her property, and then blithely administered the probate and split the estate as per his instructions without a mention of the written off "loan" !

Willself,
no they have blown all the money they have got so far, they are in debt, still owe half their mortgage.
I am a professional earning £25-30k, but have gone part time so do not earn that much now, partner earns about the same as my full time wage, but we live below our means as we are trying to save a deposit. We get on with life and don't feel hard done to, but we work hard and its a piss take seeing your parents being so reckless.

I think you will need to take a leaf out of their book and not give them anything if they do look to you for help in the future. You are not responsible for sorting out their financial messes.

It is a pity that you have parents who are like this, I wouldn't do this myself and hope to help ds in whatever way I can throughout his life in the way the my parents have done for me. It seems to me that's what parenting is about. But like you say your upbringing has made you very self-reliant and self-disciplined which is good.

It isn't your money, they can do with it what they want

their debts are not your responsibility

Chukky I do get that and I'm in South East too and had to move to a "rough" area to buy my first house without help, but to buy their first house my parents, didn't have a holiday for years, mum made all her own (and our) clothes, they didn't run a car, eating out was a once a year event, had hardly any electrical appliances etc etc. Yes times and expectations were different, but to say "we" can't buy houses today because we can't save £10k towards the deposit seems a bit rich when we can spend money on all the things we "need", but that only a generation ago would have been real luxuries. I doubt my mum has ever spent more than £4 on a face cream in her life.

I have no idea what my parents' financial position is now and that's the way I like it. If they have inherited £200k from somewhere (possible as both their parents owned houses) I don't know about it because it's none of my business.

My mum has got through incredible amounts of money since my dad died 10 years ago. It's her way of dealing with being on her own and though I worry about her future and have tried to advise, it's her life, her money and her business. On the other hand it's very rude of your parents to ignore youe financial woes, but perhaps they are comparing their early days to yours and think you're just in the same boat as they were?
Once we're adults it's futile to expect our parents to be any more mature than we are.

YABU, but I think it's a shame they didn't help you get on the property ladder and I don't blame you for feeling a little miffed, especially when they've been left a lot recently.

Try not to think about it though, it can get very destructive.

Quattro is right. Mainly because to avoid inheritance tax you need to start giving it away 7 years before you die (I suppose you make a guesstimate!!).

I have had a lot of help and feel very lucky because of it. My dad in his turn had a lot of help. It was my granddad who made some money and he made sure to keep it in the family. As a result his 3 kids had a good start which meant their children i.e. me and sibling, cousins etc had a secure start. It has made such a difference in all of our lives.

The idea that you could come into £200K and not spend most of it (or even some of it!) on investments/help your children get their own places seems utterly alien to me.

YANBU to be dissapointed with their selfishness, but like everyone has said, it is their money.

I think that our parents generation were lucky in a lot of ways. Many of them benefitted from low house prices, having their mortgages inflated away by wage inflation etc. They expect that their DC have things even better and should be as self reliant as they were, though it has got a lot harder.

They sound pretty selfish to me, what alot of money to come into and not a thought to give any to their kids...who are struggling. Shocking. I know its their money and of course good luck to them they've struggled through life and now they can have a bit of fun. But to totally neglect and not share with their children...what is that all about??
Its sad fact of life that our generation is probably the generation to miss out on windfalls like this. In mine and my DH's instance we have been told that it is our DC's, not us, who will inherit the large sums of money that our parents have made from the house price boom, the likes of which we shall never see again in our lifetime, most probably. Not to mention retiring on pension schemes that we could only dream of. And yet when our grandparents have passed away they have left their estate in the traditional way, to their children, our parents....thus we miss out again.
I just don't understand how parents can behave like this towards their children, not to want to share in their own good fortune. Seems very odd. As parents my DH and I just don't understand it and will provide as much as we can for our DCs. IMO we brought them into this world, they didn't ask to be born and we want to help them as much as we can, even if that means we have to make sacrifices ourselves.....surely I'm not alone here, this is just what being a parent is all about???

Yeah, the in debt thing is pretty foolish on their part.

I know my folks aren't in debt. My dad always hated it. I think it's because he was a child in the Depression and you used to get into a lot of trouble if you were in debt.

I don't know what my mum got from her folks, not much, I don't think, and my dad's parents were so poor their kids had to pay for their funerals, but I know that if my folks did get a windfall like that they'd invest it and/or tie it up even furhter to provide for their care in old age and not just blow it.

In hte US, prescription drugs aren't free to all the aged and my dad has to take a lot so I know he's put some money by in case he needs more, costlier meds or my mother needs them and for things like glasses and dentistry (not free there at all) and the like.

Fair enough.

Don't worry about it, prices are falling around here, in pensioners paridise and some of them are learning what the word negative equity is all about, you'll be in a good position and be able to show your kids everything you've earnt in your life time was done by your own efforts unlike your daft parents. Baby Boomers have a lot to answer for IMO.

Quattro yes I also agree, money would be better when you are starting out in life. T ome the most important thing is to secure the roof above your head, my mum and dad have not even done that their whole lives whereas that would be my first priority. Now my mum wants to leave my dad and buy a house of her own, yeah when the piggies take flight, more likely it will end up being spent on an extreme surgery makover!

Whatday I see what you're saying but not sure I agree. I know plenty of people around here who can't get a mortgage due to houseprices. My ex has only just managed to get a place, a studio flat, he is in his late thirties and earns £19K which isn't an abnormally low wage, and his parents helped with the deposit. His rent before was eating all his wages up and a studio round here costs about £150K - obscence I think but it's what you have to do.

Many people moving out to Herts/Essex due to house price problems and they are getting very expensive now. It's a shame that people have to move so far from their roots.

When our parents were young they had less, yes, but proportionately property was not nearly so expensive and they didn't have the crippling mortgages. An average deposit for a 3 bed semi around here would be about £35K (at 10%) and that is a stretch to save for when you're renting.

KatieDD appreciate what you said, I feel like their generation has been the luckiest by far, ours seems to have all the sheit to come.

but the trouble is no one knows how they are going to die. we save up money for our old age so we can afford to look after ourselves firstly and leave some to our kids secondly.

whats the point giving away lots of money to out kids and then not being able to afford medical care or have any pension. then our kids would have to support us. at a time when our kids are already putting their own kids through uni and money will still be tight for them.

get on with life. make your own money. and inheritence you get is a bonus.

and op saying she had hard times. i'm sure her parents suffered hard times too. i'm sure while she was sleeping on floor and wearing hand me downs that her parents weren't buying designer gear then. they probably sacrificed things they wanted to put food on table.

I agree with Chukky's last post.

We could cut back to the bone, we already have, but saving £10K is nigh on impossible.

Much less a deposit for a home at all, even the 'bad' areas.

The prices really are out of a LOT of peoples' reach, particulary if they are no longer single and/or have kids.