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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect Selfish Parents not to blow all their money and my potential future inheritance?

89 replies

bunsen · 13/08/2008 20:34

I have never been one for hand outs, never had any financial help from my parents. I grew up on a council estate, but my dad earned good money, definitely enough to pay a mortgage on a nice house, my mum always bought expensive high end designer clothes and had all the latest tech gear. My mum and dad got some inheritance from my dad's dad when he died, about £20k which got spent on a brand new caravan.
In the past 2 years two of my mums relatives have died leaving money, one left £40k, my grandad has just left £150k. I have found out that the lifestyle that my mum and dad have had in the past 2 years has been provided by the £40k, also my dad owes £10k at least and they have increased the £40k mortgage they had so that it has doubled in price.
It makes me angry, that they have no regard for tomorrow, or for thier three kids who all have money woes or no house. I have been priced out of buying a home for the past 5 years, now have 2 small kids of my own and would love to have been given £5k to go towards my deposit that I have been saving for the past 5 years.
Am I being unreasonable? A couple of years ago I would have said yes, but now I have kids of my own I feel disappointed and ashamed of them.

OP posts:
mamalovesmojitos · 13/08/2008 21:31

YABU.

it would be nice of them to help you out but can't be expected. i wouldn't blame you for feeling a bit left out though.

i will never get inheritance and it is an alien concept to me.

just make it clear to them that your finances are seperate and you hope they have put a bit of money away for the future as you are struggling. spell it out for them.

Peachy · 13/08/2008 21:32

yabu

let them have a life ffs

My parents are spending theirs too, we also rent and cannot buy but I'd rather be left with the knowledge their later years had a bit of luxury and fun than a few quid (no house to leave)

georgimama · 13/08/2008 21:35

YABU. It isn't your money, and galling as their profligacy is, it isn't your place to mind.

People seem to expect an inheritance from their parents. With the current economic climate, increased life expectancy and the reluctance of the state to fork out for elderly care, I think the majority of us are unlikely to get much of one, even if our parents have been prudent.

WilfSell · 13/08/2008 21:37

I misunderstood what you said about what they did with their money Bunsen. If they have blown 200k more fool them.

My parents have come into inheritances and I wouldn't expect a penny from them. If they did give me money, I'd be delighted but I've never assumed I would inherit anything.

Most people (wealthy baby boomers included) would be better holding onto their money in case they live another 30 years and need to fund care in old age.

So your parents will reap what they sow.

Perhaps what you really want is them to show they care about you more?

ChukkyPig · 13/08/2008 21:39

Mama, peachy and georgi, I understand your sentiments, but the sum here is staggering. £200K! Pissed up the wall! They didn't even pay their mortgage off first, just blew the lot on top notch holidays and designer clothes. And have actually borrowed further against their house and totted up some more debt.

I would struggle to spend £200K in a couple of years I think and have nothing to show for it. Reminds me of that Brewster's Millions film.

Original poster
bunsen · 13/08/2008 21:44

Elmoandella
no my mum and dad gave it some with the cash the whole time I was growing up, whilst I was sleeping on the floor, wearing hand downs. My mum was buying Moschino and Christian Lacroix, but working as a pot washer. I had to pay board when I became a student, and derided me the whole time for wanting to better myself. Then they chucked me out of the family home for a fight with my sister because she took my portfolio of work and scrunched it under her bed, along with my qualification certificates that were stored in it awaiting my job interviews coming up. I had my deposit for a house then which obviously I saved up for myself, but had to spend it on renting as I was ordered to leave home within three days which I did. No, they have never done anything for the good of their family just their own wants.

OP posts:
georgimama · 13/08/2008 21:44

I totally agree, it is a huge wasteful amount of money, and I would feel pretty annoyed in the same boat, but at the same time the bottom line is that it is (or rather was) theirs.

DH's parents don't have a pot to piss in despite earning good money all their working lives because they waste so much so I do understand some of the frustration, they won't leave us a bean. My mother is the opposite, I worry that when the time comes she may be too worried about safe guarding the small inheritance she has to leave me and the brothers, she will go without in her old age .

georgimama · 13/08/2008 21:45

To clarify, our frustration is not that PIL will not leave us anything but that we are worried about them financially when we are not particularly well off ourselves and they should be in clover if they had been only a little bit less wasteful.

tori32 · 13/08/2008 21:46

LOL my parents are exactly the same, not that I mind them spending 'my inheritence'. They have 250k in the bank and a paid for bungalow worth 215k. Whats hurts is that they never spend equally on the children- dd1 was born and they bought a travel system, dd2 was born and they spent approx 50 quid. That irritates. We bought a house to rent out which needed a few jobs doing but have struggled with getting tenants, they paid the workmen for us approx 500 quid, knowing the situation and the amount of money they have (I am on mat leave so not much money), that they might let us off, but no, 'just pay it back when you have it'.

Sorry rant over!!! Anyway- it is their inheritence not yours iyswim. I would be disappointed to not recieve anything at all but wouldn't expect extravagent handouts either.

Original poster
bunsen · 13/08/2008 21:46

Willself, you may be right, I think it is the not caring and self centredness of their beings that gets me. They never ring, never visit and never put thought into me at all. The are useless.

OP posts:
beanieb · 13/08/2008 21:47

YABU - I would rather my dad be alive now than have the inheritance I got and the house I bought with it.

ranting · 13/08/2008 21:47

I can't understand what you're so pissed off about, it is their finances, nothing to do with you at all. If they get into debt you are not liable, if they die in debt then it will be taken from what's left of the estate, anything else owing will not be laid at your door, unless it's in your name.

You sound very bitter and I'm sorry that you feel life has dealt you a bad hand but there are plenty of people who earn a lot less than 25k a year who manage. You'd do better to direct your energies into something a bit more rewarding than pointless examination of why they haven't left you anything.

And actually relatively speaking life was probably not a box of chocolates for the older generation when they were starting out either, yes mortgages were less but, pay was less too. Three day week? Power shortages and how many of your parents actually had ANY heating at all. Mine certainly didn't.

tori32 · 13/08/2008 21:49

And no YANBVU it was wasteful of them and was silly to end up owing money.

Peachy · 13/08/2008 21:49

regardless of how much money it is, until they die it is their momney not any inheritance

WilfSell · 13/08/2008 21:51

It's not about the money then Bunsen, is it?

Sounds like the main issue is an emotional one and the issue over money is just the symptom?

forget about the money perhaps? and think of some ways you can tell them how you feel about wanting them to be more interested in you and your life?

tori32 · 13/08/2008 21:52

FWIW any inheritence I get will pass directly to my kids from me with perhaps a few thousand to spend kept back.

Remotew · 13/08/2008 21:53

YANBU to a point. I'm sorry but it sounds like you parents are wasters. They have inherited a lot of money its only fair that they help out their children by a small amount.

If it was me I would offer something, then put the rest into an asset that I could pass on after my death as it is family money.

You may inherit after their deaths if they own a house but who wants to wait for their parents to pass away when they are in a position to help during their lifetime.

expatinscotland · 13/08/2008 21:54

Okay, now we're getting to the heart of the matter here.

Do you think it might help YOU to bring up how you feel about them, money notwithstanding?

Perhaps to phrase it as you are concerned about how they will be looked after in their old age?

Because what's important is that you make peace with this so you can move on.

Original poster
bunsen · 13/08/2008 21:56

Yes will self, but I can't tell them. If they read what I put on here it would upset them, is it really worth falling out over I don't know, all parents do something to annoy their offspring but my list is inexhaustable, I think having kids yourself makes you se your parents failings clearly, as you naturally recounter your youth. If I was to address my greivances with them, it would put big cracks in our relationship that wouldn't heal. Having parents is better than not having parents I suppose.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 13/08/2008 21:58

But it's not about the money, bunsen.

It's about how they treat it, that's one thing. And you, that's another.

If I am reading this correctly.

elmoandella · 13/08/2008 21:59

bunsen, if thats the way you were treated it's appaling.

your sleeping on the floor while your mum wear designer shoes to wash pots!!

no wonder their spending annoys you.

i think this goes a lot deeper than inheritence.

Original poster
bunsen · 13/08/2008 22:02

Thanks for letting me bend your ears(or eyes or whatever!)
Going to bed now!
I'll check in the morning.
I do appreciate your opinions for and against!

OP posts:
ranting · 13/08/2008 22:03

Ah I see, not really about the money then.

Agree with Expat, you need to tell them then, otherwise you will end up having the mother of all outbursts about it.

barnsleybelle · 13/08/2008 22:05

Bunsen.... I think it sounds like you have the most selfish parents and my heart goes out to you.

Most parents after receiving the inheritances they have would give a small portion to their own children.

I do accept it's their money to do with what they want but most normal parents would make a gift to you of some of it, and i imagine that, the fact that they havn't has left you feeling hurt and angry.

YANBU. x

beanieb · 13/08/2008 22:11

Sorry but your first post is ALL about what they are not giving you, nothing their about their future except "It makes me angry, that they have no regard for tomorrow", this makes me think it is about the money and it is about what you don't have.