To get so wound up about my dd's fussy friend...

[sabire]

who comes round OFTEN, and doesn't eat: pasta, pizza, cheese, seafood, fish, rice, tomatoes, anything in a sauce, quiche, noodles, lasagna ('never tried that!), stew argggh!

I really struggle to be accomodating, because the lesson I give my own children around food is this: you are not in a cafe and you don't get to pick and choose your meals. When someone prepares food for you it's a gift and a privilege. If you don't like it, just politely say you aren't very hungry and don't have seconds. If children say to me 'I don't like that' when they come around for a meal I just say - 'don't worry love - you don't have to eat it' but don't offer them anything else..... Is that mean?

When my dd goes to other people's houses and they say 'what would she like to eat' my answer is: 'whatever you want to give her'. Consequently my children are very unfussy compared to their friends - they eat almost anything and enjoy it. Obviously if a child was allergic to something or really repulsed by it I wouldn't expect them to eat it - but basic fussiness - I can't cope with it. I'm just worried that I'm going to turn my children into social pariahs because I won't pander to their friends' fussy eating habits.

VS - I don't eat seafood or fish - but eat most things apart from that. My mother in law gave me a real lecture on it the other day, I felt as if I was three years old!

you are lucky if yuo don't have a fussy eater imo.

some kids really don't 'like' food. they have a problem with change, textures etc...

I wouldn't let a visitor kid go hungry.

"When my dd goes to other people's houses and they say 'what would she like to eat' my answer is: 'whatever you want to give her'."

So other people take the trouble to ask you what your child would like to eat but you don't do the same for them?

Message withdrawn

VS - if you accepted a dinner invitation to someones house and they served you stew or quiche, what would you do?

Stew or Quiche I'm fussy with, but can eat so I'd eat a small bit, hopefully there would be something accompanying it so I'd eat that.

Fish or seafood I wouldn't eat, I couldn't, I would vomit.

Maybe that's why I always say 'I was thinking of doing X or Y , any preferences?' or 'Do you eat Z' if I'm cooking for friends.

"Looking back at the OP, the foods listed as 'not being liked' with the exception of pasta and cheese are all 'complicated' foods - ie a mixture of foods - lots of children don't like foods where they are mixed up"

The child I've referred to in the OP is 9 - not 3 or 4.

I think it's reasonable to expect that most children of 9 would be eating the food that the rest of the family are eating.

I do wonder if people think that parents of fussy eaters just say 'oh ok darling, you don't need to eat that horrid foody woody, come and have a lovely choccy bar'.

No - but judging from the children of most people my dd mixes with, most of the children my dd mixes with seem to eat a diet that is made up of 'children's food'. They eat: white bread, plain pizzas, chicken nuggets, burgers, pasta with tomato sauce (usually from a jar) or tuna, roast dinners.

My children eat what I eat: stir fries, seafood, risotto, baked fish, grilled meats and salads, vegetable bakes, ratatouille, fish cakes, soups, etc etc. Sometimes they turn their noses up at it but they're not forced to eat anything. I just ask them not to be rude and to whine about the food. They're allowed pudding, even if they don't eat their main course, and if they're hungry afterwards they fill up on fruit. They don't eat everything - they're children fgs, but they regularly reject a range of food groups. I'd be really worried if they did - I'd worry for their health in adulthood.

And to tortoishell - I have acknowledged in an earlier post the existence of 'super tasters' and of developmental issues around food. We all know that some children have special problems with food and that their parents struggle to get them to eat. Nobody is denying this is the case. But I also think it's WRONG to deny that lots and lots of children in this country have very narrow tastes in food because of the food culture they're exposed to at home.

Sorry - that should have read "they're children fgs, but they don't regularly reject a range of food groups. I'd be really worried if they did - I'd worry for their health in adulthood."

"So other people take the trouble to ask you what your child would like to eat but you don't do the same for them?"

No I don't. And I don't expect them to do it for my dd either. I prefer it if they don't. Which is why I say 'she'll eat whatever you want to give her'.

As far as I'm concerned it's about manners. I'm old fashioned. I was brought up to feel grateful when people cooked for me and to not treat their houses like my own personal restaurant where I get to decide what was on the menu.

As I said - I'm obviously out of step with current social mores on eating.

Would also want to add - both my parents come from poor backgrounds and were brought up during rationing. They really drummed into us that having regular access to fresh, well cooked food is a privilege. They weren't cruel - they never did that horrible thing of making us sit in front of a plateful of congealing food that we didn't want until we cracked and ate it, but they taught us to dislike waste and to respect the effort that other people put into preparing food. I still hold with these values and want to pass them down to my children.

If you're happy that your children are such great eaters, why is this bugging you so much? Why is it such a big deal that you have to come on here and start a thread bitching about this child and what you perceive to be its poor parenting? If you were truly at ease with food, it wouldn't bother you so much.

At least you only have to deal with this fussiness for the occasional meal, pity the child's parents who have to deal with it 24/7. It's no fun at all having a fussy child. And ultimately you don't have to deal with it at all - if it bothers you that much, don't invite the child, at least not at mealtimes.

still waiting for my advice sabire, you clearly have all the answers so please tell me what i am doing wrong.

Unfortunately it is almost impossible to have a civilised discussion on this subject.

Before long, someone says that someone mentioned "crap parenting".
Or someone says that somone else is claiming to be an expert. and really has no experience and therefore no right to an opinion.

Which is surely ridiculous. Everyone has a right to an opinion.

but Sabire you are lucky if you can say 'she'll eat whatever you give her'

can't you see this?

you sound very rude to me.

I do diasagree with Op, Sabire though.
If ds's mate comes round, I do check with mum that her ds , " does he like .... is that o.k."
Like when we invited friends round to dinner , I asked "anything you don't like ", " becasue I was thinking of doing minted lamb chops".
It is only polite.

I totally sympathise. In the UK there were a couple of kids I wouldn't have for tea as they were a PITA (I was quite happy to cook for DS2's friend who had serious allergies/food intolerances, was diabetic and veggie to boot but I just don't do the "this is yuk" brigade). I was happy to learn that here in Oz you are only expected to give kids an after school snack as their parents will expect to feed them at home later. Result.

For all you know this child may eat a huge variety of meals, just ones you haven't cooked.

What about a roast? curry? jacket potatoes? toad-in-the hole? bangers and mash? etc

She may not even be a really fussy child, just her parents cook different meals than the ones you cook.

It is a judgmental op for sure. Why is it anything to get worked up about? If she comes round a lot surely you know by now what she will eat - so give her that. My ds's friends all like different stuff - not a big deal at all.

rolacola

VS, you have just described our family mealtimes. EXACTLY.

Since when is a roast dinner 'children's food'?

I think what you are basically trying to say Sabire is that children in the UK have appalling food habits and diet.

Although a sweeping generalisation, diet in the UK can be poor, I agree.

However, many parents do not feed their children on a diet of white bread, pizza, processed chicken nuggets and other junk.

I assume you are not from the UK so just advise parents that you cook from your region and how much you would like their children to try your food. Let them know that you don't have xyz in the house and that there may not be an alternative.

Ds1 is 7 and has issues with 'mixed' foods (ie pizzas, stews etc). I can see no profound difference between a 7 year old and a 9 year old.

Most parents who invite a child home for tea would ask what they like wouldn't they? The ones at ds1's school certainly do, both for him and for dd. And I always do - I want the children to have a nice time, not a 'lesson in food'.

Who said a roast was 'children's food'?

We just have dinners, for everyone, not adult/children's meals.