To get so wound up about my dd's fussy friend...

[sabire]

who comes round OFTEN, and doesn't eat: pasta, pizza, cheese, seafood, fish, rice, tomatoes, anything in a sauce, quiche, noodles, lasagna ('never tried that!), stew argggh!

I really struggle to be accomodating, because the lesson I give my own children around food is this: you are not in a cafe and you don't get to pick and choose your meals. When someone prepares food for you it's a gift and a privilege. If you don't like it, just politely say you aren't very hungry and don't have seconds. If children say to me 'I don't like that' when they come around for a meal I just say - 'don't worry love - you don't have to eat it' but don't offer them anything else..... Is that mean?

When my dd goes to other people's houses and they say 'what would she like to eat' my answer is: 'whatever you want to give her'. Consequently my children are very unfussy compared to their friends - they eat almost anything and enjoy it. Obviously if a child was allergic to something or really repulsed by it I wouldn't expect them to eat it - but basic fussiness - I can't cope with it. I'm just worried that I'm going to turn my children into social pariahs because I won't pander to their friends' fussy eating habits.

I agree with OrmIrian - I will not force ds to eat anything. I don't even know how I would go about doing that. What would you suggest?

Ds likes houmous, pasta with spinach and pesto, homemade pizza packed with veg and lentils, cheese on toast, fruit, fruit, more fruit, chips (this is a breakthrough - no potato at all previosuly), fish fingers (sometimes), tuna sandwiches (sometimes), porridge, toast.

None of this is processed (aside from the fish fingers - which aren't so bad really).

i want to broaden his range but can only do that at his pace. I don't know what else to do to be honest.

A friend of mine swears her child can tell whether she's used tinned or frozen sweetcorn and dictates to her which to use. For goodness sake. That is ridiculous. The child is 3.

Obviously children are allowed to dislike some foods but there are those who really refuse an awful lot which to me, weird. And they get away with it because parents are so terrified their little darlings will miss a meal unless they give them exactly what they want every single time.

OK, my family

DS - eats anything, will try anything

DD1 - ditto

DD2 - tiny appetite, unwilling to try new stuff until very recently, long list of dislikes. She is a carb queen.

Because she is my third, I did exactly what I did with the other two and haven't stressed about it. I also do pretty much the same as the OP in offering different foods etc

Her approach is nothing to do with me - sure, I could make it worse but she is not like my other children. I would be furious if she had been invited round to someone's house to play and that mother was busy making judgements about our family as you appear to be doing.

We're talking about fussy eaters - not the odd dislike of or reaction to a couple of foods.

I agree with your sentiments, but my son is the fussy eater when he goes to other children's houses. I am regularly told that he refused tea, but I would just assume that he would have to go hungry or put up with something simple instead like a cheese sandwich. I've also had children refuse their tea here, and I follow the same principle of not getting too stressed about it.

No, the mother would probably be too busy cooking a zillion different dishes to make the fussy kids happy to be making judgments about anyone's family.

FGS most children will eat a bit of bread and butter - why do you all get so wound up?

I have tried putting down whatever we're having. It is distressing for ds and upsetting for me. I think it creates mealtimes that are charged with negative emotions and are consequently not conducive to eating.

Whenever ds has tried something new it has been at a picnic, party or bbq where kids are roaming and nobody is paying any attention to what is being eaten.

I think that it's more important that mealtimes aare relaxed and happy and it's my hope that this will slowly lead to a less fussy child. I might be wrong, but I don't think I'm letting ds down by adopting this approach.

I don't offer ds a choice at dinner times. He gets what is being served to dh and me.
You are so het up about this, you are not actually reading what people are posting.

To me, the issue is not fussiness but manners. I don't give a flying if visiting children don't want to eat what I've cooked but if they're rude about it, that gets my goat. But the wild generalisations on this thread, the mean-spiritedness about other people and the smuggery - sheesh.

Allergies and genuine food problems aside...

I think it is interesting that children who "won't try anything new" or "won't eat anything made from different foods mixed together" will mysteriously eat baked beans, pizza or a macdonald's burger (all made of foods mixed together), and don't have a problem trying something new that is made of sugar and comes in a bright plastic wrapper. In other words, those aren't the actual issues, the issue is that they have been trained to only find a few foods acceptable - foods that somewhere deep in our national subconscious we think of as "fun/kids'" foods, foods that are advertised at kids and have a "for kids" image. I think children pick up on that. If none of us had ever seen pizza in our lives, and it was suddenly invented, I think it would fall into the category of "strange foreign/adult food made of different foods mixed together" and your average 9yo food fusspot would refuse to try it.

The issue is more about familiarity with and fear of food and helping children to learn to experiment from an early age, which our culture does not encourage. Look at kids' menus in cafes. I rarely use them because DS just shares what we're having. But they are always bland "Kids'" food that reinforces to children that that's the kind of food that's acceptable to them. IYSWIM.

OP is generalising and not taking note of what people are actaully saying. That riles and upsets people. Whatever the subject.

"I think it is interesting that children who "won't try anything new" or "won't eat anything made from different foods mixed together" will mysteriously eat baked beans, pizza or a macdonald's burger (all made of foods mixed together), and don't have a problem trying something new that is made of sugar and comes in a bright plastic wrapper."

Ermmmm well I haven't met these children - and my "fussy" child refuses all sweets and chocolates too, and I'd be very happy for her to eat a burger as it contains lots of iron but she wouldn't touch one

p.s. I think you forgot to put the word 'CHAVS' into that paragraph somewhere

You haven't met children who won't try a new kind of sweetie or chocolate, MorningPaper?

Ds doesn;t like sauces, foods that are 'mixed' and that includes baked beans and burgers (never been to Mcdonalds).

Yes, there is a culture of given children 'kids food', but I think lots and lots of parents are doing their best to get their children to eat healthily. The tone on this thread is very much one of:

Children who are fussy have parents who allow them to choose whatever junk food they want without worrying about the consequences.

I just think that is a huge generalisation, and not reflective of other posters experiences.

Double negative. Whoops. I mean, you really know children who won't try unfamiliar sweets or chocolate?

I'm amazed at the difficulties with food out there. I grew up a very hungry kid - very long, lean, active and just hoovered it all up at every opportunity. It's so alien to me to be fussy about food.

I hvave come across as narrow minded. Apologies.

I think if you have something in your house that you know the fussy child will eat, and you refuse to give it on the principle that 'you aren't running a cafe', then YABU. And a bit mean.

I don't suggest cooking a whole new meal, but surely a piece of toast so they aren't hungry isn't too much effort.

I would love ds to eat baked beans.

God I really am common as muck.

MP as I've said some people have children who really dislike most foods and are polite about it, and other children end up fussy because they are rarely encouraged to try new things and are used to bland food or a narrow range of foods and used to their parents making sure they always get what they already like and are familiar with. Just because the latter situation definitely happens, doesn't mean I'm saying your child falls into that category. I stressed that earlier.

Not a chav issue IMO. I have met these children plenty of times, and I have a friend who is like this with her children's food and she is as middle-class and bodenish as they come.

She will actually say "they won't eat mixed together or foods with a sauce" and "DS only likes baked beans" in the same breath. She's convinced her children will be upset if they are introduced to new foods, and she's terrified of upsetting them, so they eat the same very limited menu every day.

Fid you see the Jamie Oliver series with kids competing to make the loudest "yuk" noises about vegetables? There is a culture that says "kids hate veg and healthy food, the poor loves, let them have chips beans and chicken nugets every day". There is. I'm not saying your DD is part of it.

"Well as it happens I don't think there is anything all that wonderful in forcing anyone to eat things they don't like."

There's not a single person on this thread - myself included, who argues that children should be FORCED to eat food they don't like.

There is no coercion going on.

WinkyWinkola - thanks for your comments. You understand where I am coming from on this one.

"I really dont get why you are being so stressy and judgemental about this, extrapolating wildy from your experiences with this one child to the whole of the UK child population?"

But it's NOT just with one child. There are a number of children who my dd regularly plays with who eat a very narrow range of foods.

Apologies for 'extrapolating wildly'. It must be just my imagination that almost every single family restaurant I've been in and every children's party dd has attended in the last 5 years has offered a children's menu that consists of the identical five items: chicken nuggets, burgers, fish fingers, sausages, baked potatoes, pizza. Can't have anything to do with the fact that these things make up the staple foods of large numbers of children in the UK. Plus of course the multi-million pound market for specialist children's food products. I'm sure neither of these things says anything about the food preferences of UK children.

My Ds1 is a very fussy eater but is alot better and improving all the time.

However, he will not eat pizza, burgers or nuggets. He does, though, now eat a variety of healthy food. Sorry, Snowleopard, but it is not only "chavs" that are fussy.

Regarding the OP I think it would be alot better not to invite this child around. My mum watches DS1 like a hawk when he is eating, consequently he really plays up to her. I would imagine this child plays up to the OP. My mum can't come to terms with DS1's fussiness. However, she does weigh about 20 stones and I have never ever seen her turn down food. Funny how fussy kids get in the neck but not children who hoover food up.

Sabire, widern your circle of friends.
Vs's post describes my cooking/meals. I make alot of stuff, from scratch, but also am not adverse to pizza and a bit of fish and chips. Yum, yum.
Ds attends nursery. They have a variety of foods we don't even eat that much at home.
All the children eat curry, mousaka, hoummus, pancetta, chilli cous-cous, god I could go on and on.
Not all children only eat the foods you have mentioned.

"The tone on this thread is very much one of:

Children who are fussy have parents who allow them to choose whatever junk food they want without worrying about the consequences."

No, in my first post I spelled out that I think that's the case with some children, while others genuinely dislike most food and their parents are doing everything they can to help them.

That doesn't mean that there isn't a problem with children's diets and unnecessary fussiness, because I think there is.

The Jamie Oliver programme (whatever you think of him) showed it brilliantly. He offered kids chicken nuggets and real chicken legs, they all sneered and yukked at the legs and wanted the nuggets. He showed them exactly how the nuggets were made and what was in them and they were revolted. they then tried the legs and liked them, although they'd mostly never tried them before and were convinced they were revolting.

They had grown up eating chicken nuggets and not being encouraged otherwise. They didn't actually dislike proper/adult food at all. They just thought they did and that belief was encouraged by parents who would only ever give them what they thought they wanted.

It. Happens. Just because some people on this thread may have a child who really has a problem with food, does not mean this issue can't be real and can't be discussed.

"Sorry, Snowleopard, but it is not only "chavs" that are fussy."

AAAARRRGGGH! That has to take the biscuit for most wilful misreading/failure to read a thread.

I never mentioned chavs, I don't think this is a class issue, I said so, morningpaper sneered that I was making a class pojnt when I wasn't, she introduced the word chav, I disagreed with her.

Agree Snowleopard.
there clearly is an issue/problem.
Some parents try very very hard. Others don't bother.
Mind you, I think that can be extrapolated, to every topic of debate.