To get so wound up about my dd's fussy friend...

[sabire]

who comes round OFTEN, and doesn't eat: pasta, pizza, cheese, seafood, fish, rice, tomatoes, anything in a sauce, quiche, noodles, lasagna ('never tried that!), stew argggh!

I really struggle to be accomodating, because the lesson I give my own children around food is this: you are not in a cafe and you don't get to pick and choose your meals. When someone prepares food for you it's a gift and a privilege. If you don't like it, just politely say you aren't very hungry and don't have seconds. If children say to me 'I don't like that' when they come around for a meal I just say - 'don't worry love - you don't have to eat it' but don't offer them anything else..... Is that mean?

When my dd goes to other people's houses and they say 'what would she like to eat' my answer is: 'whatever you want to give her'. Consequently my children are very unfussy compared to their friends - they eat almost anything and enjoy it. Obviously if a child was allergic to something or really repulsed by it I wouldn't expect them to eat it - but basic fussiness - I can't cope with it. I'm just worried that I'm going to turn my children into social pariahs because I won't pander to their friends' fussy eating habits.

I think your sentiment is all very good and worthy but just not a problem you personally have had with your children so therefore you think you've somehow done it right! if only things were that simple...I've tried to explain with examples but not got anywhere.

Guess it'll always be a subject you'll feel smug about until you experience it from the other side so to speak.

I do have that problem with ds, Susia! He is the Carbohydrate King - pasta, rice, potatoes, no problem. The only way I get him to eat anything green is by telling him it'll make him fart.

So it's an ongoing battle at home - it's just not one I see as being my job with visiting friends...nor would I expect anyone ds visited to pander to him when he's a guest in their house. There's always the option of a slice of toast & a banana for supper...

"I really can't stand it when people seem to be an expert on something without any experience or understanding of it"

I don't think I claimed to be an 'expert' on anything, Susia.

But I do think I have a right to comment on this subject: as a parent I've got experience of trying to work with my children's tastes and feelings about food. It's tough for all of us because most children have the capacity to be difficult about eating and obstructive at meal times.

I'm sorry your ds has complex issues around food that have caused you so much worry, but I don't think it's unfair to say that family food culture is often responsible for the far larger numbers of children who are simply fussy eaters, whose bad habits around food have been pandered to and reinforced.

I give up, you really don't get it and I need to go to bed.

I just hope you one day realise how insufferably smug about something you have no experience or understanding of you are being.

"so therefore you think you've somehow done it right!"

No - I think I've done my best - which has involved regularly offering my children a very wide range of food, getting them interested in cooking and food preparation, not getting angry and emotional when they reject things, and showing my own enjoyment of different foods. As a parent that's all you can do, and in my children's case it's rended dividends. I quite accept that some children won't respond to this and will still reject all but a very narrow range of foods, but I still think it's worth doing.

I happen to know for a fact that the friends of my dd's who are exceptionally fussy come from households where the adults themselves are fussy eaters, and where only a very narrow range of foods are prepared and eaten.

I do 'get' it - I get the fact that some children have complex emotional and developmental issues with food.

But I also 'get' the fact that there are far larger numbers of children who are simply victims of our crappy food culture and lazy parenting.

Sorry if it's politically incorrect to say this but I think it's just as crappy to insist on pathologising all cases of faddy eating as you seem to be doing.

No YANBU

Did I miss something? Since when has it been acceptable to accept an invitation to dinner and then not eat what you're given?

I agree with everything the OP says.

interesting that someone mentioned eyeballs... there was a doc on tv who was talking about kids with food phobias (rather than just fussiness) and she said to imagine you'd just been offered an eyeball sandwich, would you be able to eat it to make the people around you happy? apparently it's not unlike that when you're very food-averse.

well said aitch

although i do think that's completely extreme, memoo, and would say that from what i've seen with the lovely dr tanya, it mostly is the parents' fault.

in the sense that starlight means, of course, that we form our children in a zillion different ways and through our zillion different experiences... some kids will respond differently to the same treatment by parents, etc. there was a fascinating dr tanya where a father's inability to refuse his son 16 yogs a day (despite being cross that he wouldn't eat anything else) appeared to stem from his guilt at having wanted to terminate the pregnancy.

Interesting.I agree on various levels with all the posters!!

DD is fussy. But not fussy phobic, as such, just I eat what I eat and there we are: sausage sandwiches, cheese sandwiches, and the odd piece of broccoli will do. And ice cream. Given her predilictions (can't eat anything but borderline junky type foods) I am not sympathetic to the idea she needs special treatment and I would not expect anyone to cook a special meal for her - if we go to someone's home she can try what's offered, if not she can wait and have her wheatabix (another fave) at home. Dh and I do cook every night nad have a varied diet. I still believe I'm probably doing something wrong.

Yet as the others have said sometimes things go wrong/right for random reasons that can seem like you had something to do with it, and you don't. So...some tolerance for the parents is in order. I assume they are not putting undue pressure on you to turn your fridge inside out to please her.

oops, just read your post memoo... i wasn't pointing the finger, just to be clear. some kids, according to this programme, are definitely more sensitive to texture, hence the eyeball example.

It's difficult, because as a child I clearly remember disliking loads of food - anything "squidgy", anything with a hard shell and soft inside, like peas or raisens, plus lots of strong flavours. I didn't even like mushrooms (too slimy) or cucumber (too wet).

But my parents just kept giving me stuff which I could leave if I wanted to, never really mentioning it really and now I eat everything. I don't have a single food dislike and love unusual and strong tastes and flavours and love trying new things.

So a fussy child doesn't have to become a fussy adult - don't despair.

I have a horrendously fussy DD who is 9 and finally improving. DH's nieces have all been like it apparently and she has dyspraxia which has meant great difficulty with coping with lumps , combined with issues over texture.

DS has been through that fussy toddler stage and is still resistant to some food but there is no comparison to DD and until you have experienced a child like DD you can truly not understand what it like. I always tell people not to worry about pandering to DD but give suggestions if they would like some. She is under strict instructions to be polite if she doesn't like things.

She did however sleep 13 hours a night from 8.5 weeks and DS 12 hours from 13 weeks. I am under no illusions that this was down to my superior parenting skills but down to extreme luck and probably the need for sleep that I have always needed unlike DH.

My ds's best friend is a very fussy eater - but he likes plain pasta, tinned sweetcorn and tuna. So that's what I give him, every time he visits. And I feed him often - one week he was here for tea 3 times!

My mother was in this same position, sabire, with the dd of our family friend who would come over at least once a week when we were little. She wouldn't eat anything, except bread and butter and marmite. Well, that's what she had at our house for about 5 years.

Agree that it's not your (or anyone else's) job to make that child unfussy. You can offer whatever food you've made, but if she doesn't eat it, then tough luck.

"But my parents just kept giving me stuff which I could leave if I wanted to, never really mentioning it really and now I eat everything. I don't have a single food dislike and love unusual and strong tastes and flavours and love trying new things."

Yes - this is what my parents did, and it's what I do with my children. I was also quite fussy as a child (though probably not fussy by today's standards) , but today eat everything.

My children have a meal put in front of them in the evening - whatever it is I've felt like cooking that day. We all eat the same thing, except when DH and I eat curry - but that's because we like it HOT and two of our three can't cope with chillie (ds2 who is 4 likes spicy food and has chillie sauce on things that aren't naturally chillie). If they don't like the meal I take it away and we have a normal portion of whatever pudding I've planned. I ask them to eat a small mouthful of everything on the plate, and they do. Sometimes they go to bed hungry, if they decide they're not keen on the food, but I don't mind.

I am tolerant towards the parents of these children to the extent I understand that they are under a lot of pressure and that parenting is tough - I've made so many mistakes with my children along the way and I know that it's hard to change things once you and your children have got into the habit of doing things a particular way. But I think the issue of children's diet is a really worrying one in the UK. Our kids do eat particularly badly compared to children in other countries (apart from the US). The fact that we have such a huge market for 'childrens food' - another one of my bugbears - nasty, cheap, oversalted, oversweetened, overpriced food specially marketed for small people..... argghh!

Ask child's mother what she will eat and give it to her. There is no point in getting stressed about it and it isn't fair on the child to stress them out about food either. A playdate is meant to be fun. If all they will eat is Bird's Eye chicken nuggets and chips, get some in. And yes I know it's annoying but that is all you can do. I've learned the hard way - if you ask a mother if there is anyhing they don't like, they will usually say 'oh no, she/he's not really fussy' that is quite often a fib and the child will eat nothing and be miserable. Now I ask 'what does he like' and it works much better.

I never ever blame a parent for childrens' fussiness. I have never pandered to my DC's like and dislikes, and regularly gave them new foods to try, and I still have 2 children who pick and choose - the oddest things. And I know too many other children worse off than mine. And these are not inadeqate or over-indulging parents either.

I was a fussy eater as a child (although I've wondered if I was a super taster - e.g. all I can taste with strawberries is a paracetamol taste or just saltwater in olives).

There was a whole range of tastes and textures that were stomach rolling. But food faddiness is incredibly common; as we get older we become less palate sensitive and usually more experimental.

However, I did have some social graces instilled in me and I would either very politely decline or try and eat a little. Not sure it was my parents' attitude that was at fault, I have a brother who eats most things whilst I just liked bland food; even as a baby I would reject intensely flavoured food.

To the OP, I wouldn't go to any special effort with your dd's friend, nor make a fuss if she doesn't eat.

Oh yes. Politeness and not being demanding is very important heated. I can forgive a polite child an awful lot of fussiness.

To the OP : can't you just offer her sandwiches?

my dh was so smug when ds3 (his 1st) ate everything, apparently it was all down to him giving him a wide variety of food (the implication being my other kids were fussy because i didnt). now ds1 eats anything, ds2 is a bit fussy but tries most things and ds3 eats almost nothing other than cheese and yogurt. dont sing your own praises too highly.

in answer to op i would give my kids whatever i was planning on giving them and ask the other childs parents what they want you to do. if they are happy to pander to her then go along with it assuming its not a huge amount of effort. if they want you to give her what everyone else is having then do that. am sure your kids will understand that there are different rules for different parents, although whther or not they can deal with that idea may be down to whether or not you have done this from a young age and not pandered to them

Agree Heated and OrmIrian; there's a huge difference between "Yeuchhh that's horrible I won't eat THAT, I only like XX", and a child trying a small amount then saying "Thank you, I've had enough I'll just have this slice of bread now".

We need to be hospitable to guests without running around making a new meal to order, but parents need to teach their children not to make a rude fuss about what's on offer at friends' homes.

I really hate it when people always assume its always crap parenting that makes kids fussy. I have done every single thing that people smugly say made their children pefect (eg breastfeeding, home cooking, giving variety, never pandering, never offering alternatives, getting them involved in cooking, buying etc, blw not purees etc etc ad nauseum). Mine are fussy and annoying. No idea what they say on playdates as I have never had any feedback. My dp and I are both really non fussy so hope they just grow out of it. And meanwhile I must remember never to click on these threads again. When my kids have some enviable quality (ie they are both really happy and smiley and confident). I always assume I was bloody lucky not that it all down to being the best mother ever.

I also wonder if you people who say child guests should eat what they are given have dinner parties? Do you make your grown up guests eat whatever or ask if they have any preferences/dislikes? I always ask adults and children if they have any food preferences if they are my guests.