To get so wound up about my dd's fussy friend...

[sabire]

who comes round OFTEN, and doesn't eat: pasta, pizza, cheese, seafood, fish, rice, tomatoes, anything in a sauce, quiche, noodles, lasagna ('never tried that!), stew argggh!

I really struggle to be accomodating, because the lesson I give my own children around food is this: you are not in a cafe and you don't get to pick and choose your meals. When someone prepares food for you it's a gift and a privilege. If you don't like it, just politely say you aren't very hungry and don't have seconds. If children say to me 'I don't like that' when they come around for a meal I just say - 'don't worry love - you don't have to eat it' but don't offer them anything else..... Is that mean?

When my dd goes to other people's houses and they say 'what would she like to eat' my answer is: 'whatever you want to give her'. Consequently my children are very unfussy compared to their friends - they eat almost anything and enjoy it. Obviously if a child was allergic to something or really repulsed by it I wouldn't expect them to eat it - but basic fussiness - I can't cope with it. I'm just worried that I'm going to turn my children into social pariahs because I won't pander to their friends' fussy eating habits.

Msapp i wouldn't assume it's crap parenting; I have followed the same route as you re bf, home cooking etc but one of my 4 is just plain fussy. However I wouldn't expect him to be pandered to at a friend's home - he just has to eat what he can out of what's offered and not make a fuss (not that he would) then fill up with bread/butter later.

For child and adult guests alike I alays the first time ask about allergies, positive preferences atc. But I'd then find a fussy child irritating tbh if s/he didn't eat say the pasta they swore was a favourite, but wouldn't of course show it. They'd go home feeling warmly welcomed and looked after i hope. Similarly I'd be peed off if an adult guest pussyfooted around their food after I'd checked out requirements.

You aren't unreasonable to want the child to eat whatever you put in front of them, but have you ever thought that the paretns of that child would love for that to happen too?

As a parent of a fussy/phobic eater that is exactly what I would really, really like. Not much would give me more pleasure than to see DS2 sit down and eat lasagne/stew/pasta etc......but he just won't! It is exhausting trying to even get him to try new things and incredibly stressful. We are getting there slowly, but it is a long old road.

I love having children back for tea who polish off everything on their plates. I wish it rubbed off onto DS2, but it doesn't DS1 and DS3 eat everything, so afaik, it's not anything I have done

Now if DS2 goes to other peoples houses for tea (which hasn't been that often as he has only just finished reception) I do tell them he is fussy, they ask me what he will/won't eat and I say if he doesn't eat, don't worry about it. All I ask of DS2 is to sit nicely until everyone else has finished their meal.

As others have said, I think you are just lucky that your children don't have any fussy traits. Like I said, my other 2 boys eat anything. DS2 ate all sorts of foods until he was around 2, but as a baby/small child had bad reflux problems, thus causing this food phobia.

I don't pander to him, but I don't make a fuss either. I will insist he eats somethng if I know he likes it, but that is it. I encourage, but I can't force feed him.

It's actually quite tough being the mother of a fussy eater.

DS will eat fish and chicken though (hoorah )

no worries aitch

My Msappropriate, thats exactly what my DS is like. He will pretty much try anything but just doesn't like it.

I have 2 DC and 2 DSC so most weekends there is 6 of us at dinner time. We always sit at the table together and DS is given the same as the rest of us but a smaller portion so as not to overface him.

The other 3 kids, all girls will eat everything on their plate, even all their veg. They will quite happily eat fruit as a snack, little bowls of salad, whole carrots, cucumber sticks etc.

we generally don't give them crap, they have the occasional treat but appart from that they eat really healthly.

So just don't know what to do with my son. I don't let him eat junk to fill up, nor do I give him lots of juice to drink between measl cos I know that will fill him up. He is very small for his age, age 7 and still in age 5 trousers.

So I ask those of you who think it is my parenting that has made him this way, what do I do? what am i doing wrong? Believe me if you have the answers i would love to hear them because every day it worries me

"people always assume its always crap parenting"

Nobody has assumed that it's "always" crap parenting that results in extremely faddy eaters. I've acknowledged several times on this thread that there are developmental and emotional issues involved in the way children feel about food. Why do you choose to ignore that?

"I also wonder if you people who say child guests should eat what they are given have dinner parties?"

Um - yes, unless they're allergic to it. It's basic good manners. Would you turn up at someone's house for a meal and say 'I don't like that' when they put it on the table in front of you? If I'm invited around to someone's house for a meal I always praise their food and say thankyou. If I think I'm not going to like what they make I ask for a sensible portion and eat it - I just don't ask for seconds.

"Do you make your grown up guests eat whatever or ask if they have any preferences/dislikes?"

No. I don't ask, except to say 'is there anything you CAN'T eat - which gives vegetarians, coeliacs, people with allergies and food intolerances the opportunity to give me this information.

"I always ask adults and children if they have any food preferences if they are my guests"

I'd rather take them out for a meal so they could choose from a menue, than invite them around to my house and encourage them to treat it like a restaurant.

And I don't think my children's attitude to food is an 'enviable' quality. They eat a reasonably wide range of foods and they have learned not to be rude and demanding when they go around to other people's houses to eat. I think this is probably what half the world expects of their children as simply normal, civilised behaviour. Obviously I'm out of step with the expectations of many parents in the UK........

My son is fussy, but he isn't rude and demanding when he goes to other peoples houses...he just doesn't eat much. Fussy doesn't always = rude and demanding!

My DD1 has never liked potatoes so does NOT like chips, roasties,crisps any potato products at all.
She does not like pizza but LOVES any type of pasta, rice, sausages, fish,any meat, carrotts and brocoli but won't touch sweetcorn or peas.
But at least she likes baked beans as well.
My DD2 eats anything put in front of her except cheese!

Oh this thread has annoyed and upset me. Phrases like 'I know it's not the child's fault, it's the mum's fault'.

I have posted ad nauseum about ds1, but will bore you all again.

Ds1 had feeding problems from day 1 - nothing major, but he just wasn't particularly interested in milk - he lost loads of weight, and the only thing I could do to get him to put any weight on was to give him formula top ups. If he hadn't been my first child, then I think I would have managed better (ds2 tried a similar thing but I was more stubborn and also had the confidence of having successfully b/fed dd). But I think he just wasn't interested in feeding.

Weaning - I religiously followed Annabel Karmel - made my own purees, introduced all the things at the times suggested. At that time weaning guidelines were 4 months - 4 months to the day I started him off on vegetable purees (so he got used to them before having the sweet taste of fruit ). He would tolerate about 2 spoons of a puree, then nothing more. Meanwhile he is following the 25th centile, having been born on the 98th centile. His first christmas (age 6 months), he starts to refuse most foods - cereal, stewed apple etc. I don't give him anything instead, he drops down the centiles more, settling on the 9th centile. He also starts crawling at 6 months which burns off any calories I actually manage to get into him.

By age 1 he is refusing most things. He does eat yoghurts. We have a few months of breakfast taking 2 hours - to eat 1 spoonful of shreddies, because I said he had to eat 1 spoon. And it took 2 hours to do that.

Nursery can't get him to eat ANYTHING. Peer pressure doesn't work. If he is not given something from his very bland range of foods then he will go hungry. And will not eat to the point of vomiting. We start giving him cereal at night, because every morning he is being sick because he is so hungry from the day before. He still has a bowl of cereal now before bed.

Starting school - I think THIS is the time we are going to sort it out - I put him down for packed lunch on 2 days, school dinner on 3, hoping that this will encourage him to try new things. By the end of the first half term, his teacher asks me to come in, says he HAS to have packed lunch except on Fridays (fish and chips), because he eats NOTHING. He gets a plate of food, sits there with it in front of him, doesn't eat anything. She has tried sitting with him to reassure him in the dinner hall, sitting him with the best eaters in the class, sitting him with his best friends, ignoring him. But by the end of the day he has had NOTHING to eat for 7 or 8 hours.

Once or twice I have managed to get him to try a small bite of meat - 4 hours later it is still in his mouth because he CANNOT swallow it.

He is now 7. Things have improved a little - he will eat;

Cereals - Shreddies, Cheerios, Rice Krispies
Bread - any sort of bread is fine, including garlic bread, toast, hot cross buns etc
Meat - no meat except mince or fish fingers. No sausages.
Fruit - grapes, fruit juices and fruit smoothies
Veg - peas, baked beans
Dairy - cheddar or wensleydale cheese, milk, butter - eggs only in pancakes, vanilla ice cream (homemade with our own eggs so it is actually quite nutritious)
Carbohydrate - pasta, rice. No potatoes.
Biscuits - jammie dodgers or plain rich tea type biscuits. Doesn't like things like kitkats etc
Cakes - homemade fairy cakes only. Nothing with cream or jam in.

He is almost certainly a 'supertaster' - he complains about the 'smell' of foods like bananas, and sometimes the smell will make him sick. He is just starting to be able to tolerate foods he doesn't like on the TABLE - so on a Sunday I might do a roast dinner - meat, potatoes, veg, but there will ALSO be a bowl of rice and peas which everyone will eat, but at least ds1 will have SOMETHING he can eat as part of a family meal.

Dd is a dream eater - she eats everything and anything, particularly loves fruit and veg. Ds2 is pretty good - he particularly likes meat!

I'm not a perfect parent, but I don't accept that ds1 is a product of my parenting as far as his fussiness goes. I probably have made mistakes, but this is not 'normal fussiness'. He is phobic of new foods, is sick if he tries some foods, the smell can make him sick, and he will starve himself to the point of illness.

At the end of 7 years of this, it is very upsetting to read posts that say things like 'it is the mum's fault'.

It's annoying to read 'it's the mum's fault' at all - what about the other parent's responsibility? It isn't always down to the mother!

And agree tortoiseshell- some children are just fussy despite the best parents.

I say to ds1's friends' parents that he is very fussy, but he likes pasta - but just make whatever you would make for your own child, and don't get anything special for ds1. And he does usually go hungry, except at houses where they have got to know him well, and can predict what he will eat. His issues aren't just taste/sensory ones - he doesn't like mixed up things - so will only eat pizza if he's made it himself and can separate the cheese and tomato sauce (tomato sauce is a new thing in the last month).

I was a fussy child, but with hindsight it was probably down to my IBS which kicked in at about the age of 7 - there were certain foods that I just couldn't stomach, eg. sandwiches, because white bread and butter have never agreed with me! My parents didn't really take me to the doctors or understand about controlling my diet so it wasn't until I hit adulthood that I started to make the connection, although I must have subconsiously been making the connection for years. My mum knew I had a sensitive stomach and wouldn't make me certain foods, but there were always other adults, eg. my friend's mum who thought she was just pandering to me. So when I stayed round there she would deliberately make things I couldn't eat and and then demand that I finish them which as a child was horrible. This was despite the fact that I was a polite and tactful child who would never demand anything or say 'yuck' when presented with something I didn't like.

Bit of a ramble, but my point is that a 'fussy' child may not always be so through choice!

Hear hear, Tortoise! And well done to you for getting him to eat the foods he does eat! That is fantastic!

It's bloody hard work isn't it and we as parents go through so many emotions, worry/stress/guilt etc etc already without having others say it is 'our' fault.

I think the OP needs to walk a day in our shoes to really understand!

I do understand where the OP is coming from - if dd was my eldest, and I didn't have ds1 I would probably imagine that her broad palate was down to my excellent parenting, but that so clearly isn't the case looking at ds1.

It is hard work, and I do feel that we are JUST turning the corner a little - now that he has accepted the idea of a tomato based sauce, and a cheese based sauce, I can make pasta a little more interesting.

I think many of the people on here have the attitude that their parents had....eat what you are given and that is that.

I remember my sister having to sit for hours in front of a plate of peas, gagging and sobbing because she hated them. And it wasn't a small amount. She has food issues now. That is wrong afaic. (but then my parents were 'wrong' in many respects )

If the OP gets soooooo wound up by this childs eating, then why on earth does she have her over at mealtimes!!!

I don't think it's the parents fault if the child is a fussy eater. I couldn't care less whether or not a kid eats the tea I cook for them at my house because I know there are lots of fussy eaters around so I don't put myself to too much trouble.

Msappropriate I have had hundreds of dinner parties over the years cooking normal home cooked traditional british food and I certainly have never had a guest who didn't eat what I served them I'd be stunned at their rudeness if they did. Do grown adults really do this, coz I've never known anyone to do it to me?

I live in the West Midlands and my 3 have been to many people's houses for tea over the years. My friends are either british or italian. Without exception, the only food they have ever been offered by the brits is chicken nuggets (I'm not exagerating, honestly) BUT THEY EAT THEM.

Tortoise, a cheese based sauce is my next step. It is actually really encouraging for mums like myself to hear that corners can be turned.

tortoiseshell -- you have my son there. Return him immediately.

DS1 (aged 14) is my eldest and not fussy in the slightest, so I know it's not a product of my parenting! DS3 is not fussy either (although he prefers sprinkly bread aka multigrain to white )

Looking back at the OP, the foods listed as 'not being liked' with the exception of pasta and cheese are all 'complicated' foods - ie a mixture of foods - lots of children don't like foods where they are mixed up - so they might like meat, carrots, cauliflower etc, but not cope with a 'stew'. Lasagne is pasta/meat/cheese sauce all together - I have given ds1 lasagne, and he manages the pasta, once he has scraped everything off it, and one spoonful of the meat (which he HAS to have because it's mince and I know he likes mince if it isn't mixed up in anything else).

I do wonder if people think that parents of fussy eaters just say 'oh ok darling, you don't need to eat that horrid foody woody, come and have a lovely choccy bar'.

Incidentally, none of my children have ever been to a fast food place at all - largely because there is nothing on the menu that ds1 would eat!

Pussinwellies, I would say she has my son there, but he is only 5

But Tortoise, isn't that what you say I am forever compromising with DS2. Even this morning with breakfast. He didn't want his rice crispies. I said you have to eat that small bowl and then you may have a slice of toast, so I put about a quarter of a normal portion in his bowl, he ate it and had toast. We do this with lots of meals. There are things I know he likes and things he will eat but not so keen on. So to get more of what he really likes, he has to eat a small portion of the things he isn't so keen on. Doesn't always work, but we are getting there.

To op, have you asked the child what she likes to eat? Rather than list all teh things she does not like.

Anyway, with that I reaaly must shower and dress I have a friend coming with a super duper eater and I'm not sure she will want to come over with me in my PJ's!!

I agree with Partaria's earlier post.

A child can hold the world record for fussiness, and it sometimes is/often isn't the parents' fault.

BUT - it IS the parents' fault if the child is ill-mannered. Even a small child can learn to say "no thank you".

One of ds's friends is incredibly fussy (only eats samosas at the moment!) but his manners are beautiful and when he declines something very politely it doesn't put your back up at all, unlike kids who pull faces or worse still, have the attitude that you have failed and should be trying harder to please them.

yes, I need to go shopping for tonight's tea because dd2 has a friend coming over and I asked them to tell me what their favourite meal would be.

My DD eats what she is given, and isn't at all fussy but I still ask what her friends like if they are coming for tea.

Has your DD had tea at their house? What do they eat then?
That's how we do it, I know X likes spag bol and Y likes pizza, but not the other way round, so I accommodate them. It's different with your own children.

FWIW I don't eat fish, seafood, pizza, tomatoes, not too keen on stew, fussy with quiche, would you expect me to eat it if you invited me for dinner or would you ask if I liked what you had planned first?