To get so wound up about my dd's fussy friend...

[sabire]

who comes round OFTEN, and doesn't eat: pasta, pizza, cheese, seafood, fish, rice, tomatoes, anything in a sauce, quiche, noodles, lasagna ('never tried that!), stew argggh!

I really struggle to be accomodating, because the lesson I give my own children around food is this: you are not in a cafe and you don't get to pick and choose your meals. When someone prepares food for you it's a gift and a privilege. If you don't like it, just politely say you aren't very hungry and don't have seconds. If children say to me 'I don't like that' when they come around for a meal I just say - 'don't worry love - you don't have to eat it' but don't offer them anything else..... Is that mean?

When my dd goes to other people's houses and they say 'what would she like to eat' my answer is: 'whatever you want to give her'. Consequently my children are very unfussy compared to their friends - they eat almost anything and enjoy it. Obviously if a child was allergic to something or really repulsed by it I wouldn't expect them to eat it - but basic fussiness - I can't cope with it. I'm just worried that I'm going to turn my children into social pariahs because I won't pander to their friends' fussy eating habits.

but starting a thread on aibu invites challenges surely?

ah, i see sabire is back... good luck, love. this is flogging a dead horse, definitely.

You are incredibly lucky if you have a perfect eater - DD1 would live off Nutella if allowed. I make homemade stews etc, DD wouldn't touch them even if she was suffering from malnutrition. We all have likes and dislikes and unfortunately the child mentioned in the OP is fussier than normal! Give her a sugar butty, they used to go down a treat in our house when I was younger!

imo she's not been challenged on her attitude to the child, or the children that she knows, so much as blasted by other parents for not knowing their children and what they've been through. i think it's fair play, totally, to challenge her if you think she shouldn't get wound up by the child (i think she shouldn't waste her energy, for example), but this is a bit too much of a slanging match now.

its the lack of acknowledgment and paronising attitude that riles. But I will give up now; you are right it is flogging a dead horse. I will leave to go and eat peas with a tomato based sauce as I'm not fussy

SO wrong, msappropriate. SO WRONG.

Sabire, you've been totally attacked and bitched about unnecessarily. I think it's a massive over reaction. Please don't worry about it. Some on MN really really enjoy ganging up on individual posters. It's the usual suspects.

I think the fact that other threads have been set up shows how worried parents are/have been about their children and the food they will or won't eat.

It's funny that parents on MN sometimes absolutely refuse to consider their role in certain areas of bringing up children. In this case, food.

They may or may not have affected the issue with their kids.

But they will absolutely not and never reflect on the possibility that the way they've approached the issue could have made things better or worse. Because in no way can parenting contribute to food issues ever.

Instead, they will just lash out and attack anyone who might suggest otherwise.

I'm not saying it is always or even often the case but everything is possible, isn't it? I guess each problem has to be taken on its individual circumstances and perhaps nobody is qualified to judge. Not even Cod. If you can believe that.

Now, watch 40,000 posters misread this and jump down my throat saying I've accused them of being bad parents.

you would eat it if you were starving in Africa. I blame your parents.

me too, msappropriate. for EVERYTHING.

I loved the episode of The Simpsons when they have parents evening and a big banner reads "Parent-teacher evening- let's share the blame".

I just don't see this as a big deal.

I mentioned a fussy friend of ds's last night on this thread. Last time she came round, I'd agreed to look after her for the evening while her parents went to a PTA meeting.

I'd asked if she'd've eaten first (because I know her to be fussy & would've checked that I was offering something she'd eat) & her mum said she would have her tea before being dropped off.

For whatever reason, this didn't happen, & she turned up, hungry, at tea time. We were having pasta with a veggie, tomatoey sauce, garlic bread & salad, followed by fruit salad.

She loudly announced that she didn't like the look of the veggie sauce - so I said no problem, would you like the pasta with pesto? Or just cheese?

She said she'd rather have chips. I said sorry, not on offer.

We went through the same rigmarole with fruit salad - she only likes strawberries, so wasn't prepared to entertain them mixed in with melon, pears & banana.

Anyway. Her mum collected her & took her off to get a takeaway.

This little girl doesn't have a food intolerance or phobia. She's just accustomed to dictating what she eats - & her parents choose to accommodate her, which is absolutely their prerogative - but I choose not to do so.

Definitely not worth getting wound up about!

sabire, you've been posting on this thread for two days solid

Give it up, and go feed your kids, they must be starving given all the time you've spent on here, no wonder they're not fussy!

im not smug about my DD eating olives, in fact i dont really think they are that good for her. So they never fall into my shopping basket these days, we only ever eat them when we eat out, so up yer bum.

Here's a thing though, and i often wonder about this. I have suffered with quite bad PND and anxiety since DD born. She is three now, three today, happy birthday DD. I think that this whole culture of "must be the perfect parent" has definately contributed to alot of my problems. I was never like this with DD1, who is 18 now and basically only ever ate shite. I was a lot more in control of my life then tghough, because i couldnt care a shit if she had organic brussel sprouts and learnt two languages before she started school. I hate all of it, and the older DD gets the more i think, fuck it, it actually doesn't matter a jot - my DD is happy therefore i am a fantastic mum. So, she has non organic food, so she drinks too much juice and squash, so she has far too much chocolate - I DON'T GIVE A STUFF. Its competitive, pretentious and draining. It is really difficult not to get down when comparing yourself with organic lil from down the road. I actually think it is quite damaging. All these mothers trying to out do each other in their mothering skills.

The best mummy i know lets her child eat haribo and fruitshoots . I also have a friend with unbelievable fussy children. They eat next to nothing really, all bland and she has never ever fed them on shit. She is a brilliant mum, well educated and aware of dietary health issues. But it doesnt matter how she tries to introduce new things into their diet, she can't and they are teenagers now. Its just the way it goes sometimes.

I have a fussy dd (7) and work hard to encourage her to eat mixed up food, which is her particular bugbear. I suspect that there are reasons for this, as it is quite a common food issue. But when visiting she is polite, and she will mostly eat whatever is on offer, but she has learnt to ask for "just a little bit". In the past it has driven me around the bend because she would refuse to eat anything she didn't like the look of, she is slowly improving. Perhaps her food issues are related to being fed too much tasteless mush by her nanny (I was at home for longer with ds, who is a great eater, although as a baby would refuse all the lovely AK mixtures I lovingly made until I cried - and went back to work) who knows. I think she has a bit of an oversensitivity to texture too. If asked by another parent I say she likes plain food, but not to worry if she doesn't eat very much.

But I think the child the OP was talking about was just fussy, and not very gracious with it. I can't believe that other posters really haven't come across such children. I certainly have (you know the ones who when you say to the parents I was thinking about serving sausages and baked potatoes or some similar ordinary meal, say oh no he only eats chicken nuggets and chips). If you are used to producing a good quality meal and have your children tuck in then it must come as a nasty shock when a visiting child refuses to eat it and has nothing in their repertoire that you would usually cook. If it's a one off then it's not a problem to bend a little but if it is every week that must be very wearing.

It is true that if you have a very fussy child, esp one as ultra fussy as ds1, then you become much more careful about what they eat - with ds1, every mouthful has to be as nutritious as is humanly possible, So the children have far LESS crap than most other children I know - they don't have sweets except at children's parties, they don't have squash/fruit shoots/ribena etc, they don't tend to have salty snacks/crisps etc.

Thinking back to what Oblomov said, yes I do think it is highly likely that ds1 is more than just fussy. But isn't it possible that the girl in the OP has a food anxiety too? And that mum doesn't really fancy sharing that with someone who declares that 'fussy eating is down to the parents'. Certainly to someone who didn't know ds1 well, he would just come across as a horribly fussy child, which he is! But the lengths we have gone to, the things we have tried wouldn't be seen by the parent. That's why this thread is so heated I think - it is the assumptions that are being made.

Surely the truly obese children and adults aren't 'fussy eaters'. They eat their meals and then inbetween their meals as well. The parents on here who class their children fussy, can barely intice them to eat anything. I have a DN who is 'fussy' she is very underweight.

Msappropriate -
I think you should read back through this thread and why ask you've felt the need to behave like such a bully towards me.

I've not personally cricitised you or commented on what you feed your children.

I've talked about my own children's eating habits and commented on the eating habits of a child I know very well who is very difficult to feed.

I've not said anything cruel or personally offensive to you.

You've behaved like a bully on this thread. And then joined in other threads making really nasty comments about me.

It's horrible. It reminds me of the way people behave at school - the ganging up, the escalating viciousness - reading more and more offence into things that are not offensive at all, as a means of fuelling their indignation so they can justify making really aggressive personal attacks.

Is this what you do for fun? Is it cathartic?

But why did you feel the need to post about this child in AIBU? Make her something she does eat, don't run her or her parents down because she behaves differently to your children, you say she is there often so I'm presuming she is a good friend of your DD. THIS is what's important, not whether she eats x.y or z.

Msappropriate is not being a bully, Just because somebody doesn't agree with you it doesn't mean they are a bully.

Surely this board is for debate, you can't expect everyone to just agree with everything you say. (i am resisting the urge to say especially seeing as it is a load of shite )

don't think msappropriate is the main candidate, to be fair sabire. it was a collaborative effort (although without actual collaboration i'd imagine) and it did get pretty hairy there for a while.

i think, tbh, this probably is one of those subjects where it's not really possible (allowable?) to have an opinion unless you actually have a fussy eater in the family. and evidently by definition if you do, you will claim no part in the creation of the fussiness, so the whole subject is off-limits it would seem.

thank god dd is only two-and-a-half, all her mates eat stuff fine, none of us have got to that picky stage yet. we shall see what happens...

"why did you feel the need to post about this child in AIBU? Make her something she does eat,2

Well - I DID make her something she could eat! Toast.

After she had rejected every single other offer of food in the fridge.

She's a 9 year old child who only eats 5 or 6 different meals. She hasn't got special needs or emotional issues iwth food - she just won't eat anything that she isn't familiar with because she's not been expected to at home.

Maybe it's a generational thing. I know people of my parents generation would be flabberghasted to hear so many mums defending such extreme fussyness as normal behaviour.

I didn't offer this child aduki bean casserole. On various occasions I've offered this child pizza, pasta, soup, fishcakes, rice, fish, you name it - good, homecooked food. And she's rejected everything that I've offered other than sausages (which I didn't have the other night - only frankfurters, which, naturally she doesn't like) and roast chicken. And yes - I got wound up. I thought it was rude. And fussy.

But apparently I was wrong. Not just wrong, but nasty. Judgemental. Smug - to think that this child's fussyness was a) not a good thing and b) was in any way to do with the fact her parents have always allowed her to choose her own meals from a narrow range of plain foods and never encouraged her to try anything she's unfamiliar with or not sure about.

I stand corrected though - because apparently it's completely normal and understandable for a 9 year old to say 'I don't like that' to every offer of food while they're round at a friends house.

And it's definitely not her parent's fault. You know this because your kids are fussy as hell despite you doing all the right things.

"don't run her or her parents down because she behaves differently to your children"

Another distortion of what I've said. I didn't criticise her for "behaving differently" from my children. I was put out because she was ridiculously fussy and quite rude.

I have no problem with people arguing with my point of view - it's the personal attacks that are upsetting, and there have been plenty of those.

And bullying. Msappropriate jumping on my comment about challenging myself to eat things that are outside my comfort zone (I was just referring to street food by the way misappropriate), coming back to this again and again, wanting to catch me out and ridicule me. Going on to other threads taking the piss and making personal comments. It IS bullying and it's very depressing that adult women get such a rise out of it.

Sabire - if this child gets on your nerves then imagine living with her.

I have, on occassion, cried myself to sleep over DS1's eating habits. It is stressful and upsetting.

He is alot better than he was but it has been a long and apinful journey.

I have always cooked from scratch and we all eat around the dinner table. I do not give my children processed food whilst they are slumped in front of the TV.

It is great that you children eat well but other mums are trying their best too.

As I have said before, if you cannot be bothered with the hassle then do not invite her around. Quite simple really.

"It is great that you children eat well but other mums are trying their best too"

How do you know that all other mums are trying their best?

I make loads of mistakes as a parent. Sometimes through laziness, sometimes through ignorance. I don't always try my best with everything.

When did we start having to pretend that nobody makes mistakes or gets things wrong?

I really, really like this girl's mum, but I live in a community of very poor families where children eating only junk food and mechanically processed meat products is NORMAL. This mum doesn't think anything of her child's eating habits because actually they're very similar to the habits of most of the other children she mixes with.

She doesn't struggle with her daughter's eating at all - this is the way they all eat in that particular household.

And of course I'm not going to stop asking this child around.

I'm just going to have to pander to her like her mum and everyone else does. And not feel bad about it. Because I'm not allowed to apparently. It's unreasonable. Because this girls eating is NORMAL. Apparently. And the whole situation is outside everyone's control, including her mums.

Just think it's a shame that's all. For the child more than anyone.

two words

PATRONISING

CONDESCENDING

Sabire, you really need to let this go now, you have spent the last two days in a total tizz about this.

Is it really worth it?

I'm sure we all have better things to do than argue with people we don't even know, I for one am going to bow out now.

I know I am a fab mum, I do the very best I can for my children 24/7. and its a real shame that mums can't support each rather than make ill informed judgments about each others parenting skills.

And to be honest, how somebody else raises their child is nobody elses bussiness.

You asked us a question, we answered.