To get so wound up about my dd's fussy friend...

[sabire]

who comes round OFTEN, and doesn't eat: pasta, pizza, cheese, seafood, fish, rice, tomatoes, anything in a sauce, quiche, noodles, lasagna ('never tried that!), stew argggh!

I really struggle to be accomodating, because the lesson I give my own children around food is this: you are not in a cafe and you don't get to pick and choose your meals. When someone prepares food for you it's a gift and a privilege. If you don't like it, just politely say you aren't very hungry and don't have seconds. If children say to me 'I don't like that' when they come around for a meal I just say - 'don't worry love - you don't have to eat it' but don't offer them anything else..... Is that mean?

When my dd goes to other people's houses and they say 'what would she like to eat' my answer is: 'whatever you want to give her'. Consequently my children are very unfussy compared to their friends - they eat almost anything and enjoy it. Obviously if a child was allergic to something or really repulsed by it I wouldn't expect them to eat it - but basic fussiness - I can't cope with it. I'm just worried that I'm going to turn my children into social pariahs because I won't pander to their friends' fussy eating habits.

Give her some toast. Then it's not problematic.

so if you have never though yourself unreasonable why did you start this thread in the aibu topic? Did you just want people to agree?

If you actually read my post I did say some kids are fussy because of their parents and some are not.

Also wanted to know what food challenges you.

I have done all of this that you day you do but with a different end result

"If the children don't like it then I take it away, after encouraging them to eat a mouthful. I don't offer them other food, other than the pudding they would have had anyway. They are allowed to eat a couple of pieces of fruit after their evening meal if they're still hungry. I keep offering foods that they have previously rejected and most of the time they eventually stop rejecting these foods - sometimes after they've rejected it 15 or 20 times before. I expect my children to reject a proportion of the food I give them. This is normal. Therefore I give them the huge range of foods. That means they can reject a proportion and still eat dozens and dozens of different foods. Unless something makes them feel sick I expect them to eat a mouthful - even if they don't like it, just like I expect them to occasionally tolerate boredom or people they don't like. You can't have exactly what you want all the time - and sometimes what you like isn't good for you. I sometimes eat things I don't like much out of politeness to other people, because I don't like waste or because I know it's going to do me good. I've learned to tolerate it because my parents encouraged me to. They thought of it as a life skill worth learning - as do I. The upshot of all this for me is that food is a huge pleasure and adventure in my life"

but am not sure if eating out of politeness is a huge life-skill for me as I tend to be overweight and wonder how much of that is down to my mother telling me to do this and me hating waste.

PMSL

"Am I being unreasonable? I think this isn't normal."

"You are being unreasonable, 100 odd posters know lots of kids like this. It is normal."

"How dare you, I am never unreasonable, it is not ^normal!"

"but it is! there are loads of kids who do this, they grow out of it!"

"Well, I would never allow it. It's not normal."

sabire i agree with a lot of what you say, but in a nutshell my view is twofold: yanbu to have your privately held opinion on what dd's friend eats or not, but yabu to get wound up about it. She is young, a guest, has come to play with your dd, not to become a sophisticated diner. Two separate issues.

Will she only eat wotsits??

if so then I think I too would be sliding my glasses down my nose to look down upon her parentning.

BUT if it's things like:

Not liking things where one food stuff is mixed with, or touching another, (eg sheperds pie and lasagne)

OR

Not liking suaces with 'bits' it

Or Not liking anything green

Or yellow

then these are commonly occurring weirdy child things that rarely persist into adulthood.

I reckon about 1 in 4 children is probably fussy in an extreme kind of way.

lucky you didn't have more Sabire

a friend of mine has twins, one eats everything and one eats about 6 different foods. She treats them the same.

What an absolute load of old crap I have read on here. To OP YANBU.

parents should put food down, if it is eaten, ok, if not, take away and don't discuss.
Of course kids find SOME things horrid, like adults (I don't like ALL food) but when it becomes most normal food, I think the kids are taking the piss. And the parents are letting them.

"not to become a sophisticated diner"

So is that what passes for a child who's a 'sophisticated diner' these days? A 9 year old who eats pizza, or pasta, or a food with a sauce on it?

Good god.

Anyway - I've learned my lesson - which is that huge numbers of children in the UK eat a very, very narrow range of food, for one reason or another; that parents are never responsible for children's bad eating habits; that it doesn't matter nutritionally if children only eat a tiny, tiny number of foods, even if that food is highly processed and full of transfats, salt and sugar. The most important thing is that mealtimes are fun.

I stand chastened.

And depressed.

BTW - I didn't expect people to agree with me, just not to make so many nasty, sniping personal attacks.

But then that's what people do when they come over all defensive about their children's behaviour so maybe the amount of sheer spite on this thread should have been anticipated.

"there are loads of kids who do this, they grow out of it!"

And your evidence for this is.....? The healthy, varied diets of most adults in the UK?

"wonder how much of that is down to my mother telling me to do this and me hating waste"

Well - I have two siblings in their 30's/40's. None of us are fat. Neither are my parents, so it's not worked that way for us.

The point I was trying to make is this: that children can't always do/have what they want and it can be quite helpful if they have some tolerance for this. Obviously you don't think so.

"Of course kids find SOME things horrid, like adults (I don't like ALL food) but when it becomes most normal food, I think the kids are taking the piss. And the parents are letting them."

Thank you.

From the responses of some of the posters on this thread you'd have thought I'd been on here complaining because my dd's friend had turned her nose up at a plate of calves' brains and sea urchins, rather than an offer of pizza or scrambled eggs, or cheese, or pasta, frankfurters, quiche, rice, noodles, fish cakes etc etc.

But no - apparently it's completely reasonable and normal for a nine year old to only eat 5 meals, none of which involve any of the above, and that I'm unreasonable person for commenting on it in a less than favourable way and what's more smug to boot, because my three children usually eat what's put in front of them.

Sabire I haven't read all of this thread so apologies if I have missed something or am repeating stuff. I have done BLW with my 2 year old, & cook from scratch all the time bar fishfinger night. since the age of 18m (now 2) she has slowly but surely refused to eat any of the stuff she originally loved & now has a very limited range of foods that she will actually eat. Now I could either only give her teh varied diet that she used to have & watch it all go in teh bin, or give her stuff that i know she will eat & thus pander to her fussiness to some degree, or try & give her a mix of food I think she likes, & old favs/unfamiliar food in the hope that one day she will try it. that is teh approach we are on at the moment. yes it is a narrow range of food but I can't force food down her mouth can I?

'I have argued on this thread that many children have developed fussy eating habits because they're not exposed to a wide range of foods at home and because of lazy parenting.'

So as someone else here says, the fact I have a dustbin of a 5yr old who'll eat anything measn I must have really lost the plot somewhere along teh line......

I am a frequent lurker on Mumsnet & don't post all that ofetn unless I feel very strongly about something. Until you hvae a reluctant eater you really hsve no idea what its like.

When I was a child we ate what was put in front of us. The same went for all of my friends.None of us starved. End of story.

Do you think that kids turned their noses up at what was put in front of them during the war? How many fussy children were there then? Not many I wouldn't mind betting.

Children are fussy because we let them be and because there is too much choice.

sabire, I can assure you, that you are perfectly reasonable, and having watched closely over the years I can safely say that the fussy kids are the pandered to ones. I have had a kid here who doesn't like potatoes, chips, cheese, any fish even fish fingers, sliced meat like ham etc eggs, pizza, beans, pasta, tinned spagetti, any fruit or veg.

that kid lives off jam sandwiches and the parents constantly faff. Its funny that when that kid went home and told mum she had had wholemeal bread here, it was like 'but you don't like brown bread'....what???

Message withdrawn

She only eats five meals?

That makes it so much easier. Just make one of them.

Sabire, I am genuinely pleased for you that you have 3 children who eat a very wide range of foods. I really am. I love seeing a child eat a good meal. And yes, you are right, some parents will only feed their children processed crap because they can't be bothered or because they are fussy themselves. But many parents of fussy/phobic eaters try soooooo hard to get healthy, nutritious food into their child. You will find that pretty much all of us on this thread with a fussy/phobic eater won't buy processed rubbish, we probably buy less of it than you do! That is because we want the little that does get past our childrens lips to be of a good nutritional value. We aren't stupid.

FWIW, we buy olives (I don't like em, DH does) various different cheeses (in the hope that cheddar and cracker loving fussy DS2 would maybe try a different cheese), we have curries, stews, pasta dishes, rice dishes, loads of different fruits and vegetables, but it hasn't made a jot of difference to what DS2 will eat!!!

my attack was't personal and you didn't read my post properly just posted what you thought I had said and then misinterepreted what I said competely and did that annoying way of arguing by extrapolating something I said to a ludicrous extrememe, ie

"The point I was trying to make is this: that children can't always do/have what they want and it can be quite helpful if they have some tolerance for this. Obviously you don't think so." No I never said that I said am not sure if eating out of politeness is a great skill.

You also didn't answer my questions twice and still haven't answered one.

and then

""there are loads of kids who do this, they grow out of it!"
And your evidence for this is.....? The healthy, varied diets of most adults in the UK? "

I know a few people like this who have grown out of fads, don't you? And this was in the 50s and 60s with very little junk food availble. Even my 5 year old has started eating some stuff he loved until 14 months then disliked for the next 4 years, now loves again.

Smartjake - my FIL would not eat meat or vegetables during the war. His mum worked around it. There have always been fussy eaters.

I have one fussy eater and one who eats everything. I have heard all the shit advice of the day over the years. Apparently children won't starve themselves? My Ds1 didn't eat for 3 days until I broke.

Apparently cruelty is condoned with fussy eaters. Next time someone mentions their child is naughty I will recommend beating them and if your child won't sleep I will recommend strapping them to the bed and let them scream the house down. FFS.

If you do not have a fussy child then good for you. If you can't be bothered at dinner time with it all then don't invite her. She will make other friends.

Message withdrawn

Sabire , I have only skimread your replies but I totally agree with your first post. Yes it is not just down to parenting siblings can be so different and what works for one doesn't always work for your next one.
Dd had a friend round once who would only eat "babybel" cheese no other cheese or "munchbunch" yoghurts she turned her nose up at our healthy homemade icelollies. Ds has a friend who only eats a dry bread roll for his lunch nothing else. This screams of serious pandering to me , and is not doing the child any favours.
However even though I feel strongly about this there exceptions - my bf has a ds who is mildly autistic and new foods frighten him he is much better at eating if the pressure is off and only eats about 8 different things. This is an improvent though.

People did not starve during the war because they turned their nose up at food that was put in front of them. If you are too ignorant to see the point I was trying to make then you are the Twat.

I am not talking about children here who have a bone fide reason for not eating certain foods. Unless you are suggesting that all these fussy kids are ill?

I have a child who retches when she tries to eat rice or mashed potato. But she will eat lots of other things and I certainly would not expect any parent who had been kind enough to invite her to tea to make any special consideration for that. She would not make a fuss, just simply would not eat it.

My FIL lived on jam sandwiches as a child, for years. Sadly he died 3 years ago, but in the 15 years that I knew I had never seen a jam sandwich pass his lips. He could be a little particular as an adult ie no onions etc, but he ate most foods. My dad is another example. My nan did pander to him, but he eats a lot of vegetables and salads now. He is fussy, but he knows that he gets what I serve here (even if there are onions in the shepherds pie...I just don't tell him)

So there are 2 close relatives in their 60's who I have known to be fussy as children. Hmm, obviously not a modern thing then.

I was a very fussy eater as a child. Would have vomited if someone forced me to eat a food I disliked. Things such as soup (except tomato), offal (steak and kidney pudding - vom), trifle and anything mixed together were repulsive. I found them truly disgusting.

My mother is a VERY good cook and found this extremely trying. And used every trick in the book to deal with it. Nothing worked, except me growing up and my palate maturing.

Luckily for me my younger sister was even worse, so my faddiness was kind of overlooked, thank heavens.

I'm not sure I've quite got across the sheer horror of being a fussy eater/super taster/whatever confronted with someone who thinks they can convert you or force you to eat. It's as horrid as tormenting an arachnophobe by dangling a spider at them. It really is.

bits and bobs.

the answer to all your problems, sabire.

make a meal of bits and bobs, and let the children choose as little or as much they want.

ham, cheese, boiled eggs, crudites, bread, butter, access to the fruit bowl etc, etc.

the future is bits and bobs.

Humphrey, this is exactly what I do....it works Sabire....it really does!