To get so wound up about my dd's fussy friend...

[sabire]

who comes round OFTEN, and doesn't eat: pasta, pizza, cheese, seafood, fish, rice, tomatoes, anything in a sauce, quiche, noodles, lasagna ('never tried that!), stew argggh!

I really struggle to be accomodating, because the lesson I give my own children around food is this: you are not in a cafe and you don't get to pick and choose your meals. When someone prepares food for you it's a gift and a privilege. If you don't like it, just politely say you aren't very hungry and don't have seconds. If children say to me 'I don't like that' when they come around for a meal I just say - 'don't worry love - you don't have to eat it' but don't offer them anything else..... Is that mean?

When my dd goes to other people's houses and they say 'what would she like to eat' my answer is: 'whatever you want to give her'. Consequently my children are very unfussy compared to their friends - they eat almost anything and enjoy it. Obviously if a child was allergic to something or really repulsed by it I wouldn't expect them to eat it - but basic fussiness - I can't cope with it. I'm just worried that I'm going to turn my children into social pariahs because I won't pander to their friends' fussy eating habits.

Sabire, I find it utterly mystifying why you get so worked up about it. You've had a myriad of responses on here from people pointing out that one of their three or four children is a very fussy eater despite being brought up in a way identical to their siblings who eat anything and everything.

It happens, get over it and make the child some toast.

Sabire, my post at 17.58 was basically agreeing with you. Please read it again and don't jump down my throat the way you did at 18.29.

All i was saying was, to keep yourself calmer you need to separate your (imo legitimate) opinions on your 9yo guest's food repertoire, from feeling you actually have to deal with that issue yourself in that it gets you "so wound up".

Just step aside mentally. not your child, not for you to deal with during a playdate. Give her something from her limited range.

And of course eating pizza is not sophisticated dining for a nine year old. That's not what i was saying at all.

It'sGrimupNorth, I'm curious as to your authority for declaring that suggesting that children would starve themselves for days rather than eating unwanted food is "rubbish, absolute rubbish". It most definitely isn't and has been well documented in a myriad of studies on the subjects. You're clearly not an expert on the subject so why make such an assertion?

Sabire how old are your other children ? Younger or older than 9 ?

My fussy one is 13 yes 13, but was a dream foodie up to about age 4; as a toddler he'd like eg asparagus + hollandaise sauce, lentils cooked with lots of herbs, all soups, obscure pasta sauces etc., smoked mackerel and other not obviously toddler- friendly foods.

he is not as bad as your dd's friend, but v. fussy compared to his 3 siblings. it went downhill after a great start, so don't judge others too harshly.

Of course poeple will be less fussy about their food at times of scarsity (although some peopel were fussy during the war and refused the nasty coffee/eggs etc), and proabably not fussy at all at times of starvation.

But our children, all our children, have never experinced starvation and live at a time, in a place where food is in abundance and far from scarce.

We could obviously control their fussiness by recreating starvation conciditions in our homes, but with many fussy eaters you would have to get them to the point of actual starvation before they 'gave in', as extreme hunger is not necessarily.

So whose advocating that then??

OR we could try to feed our children helathily, encourage tasting of a variety of foods, accept that it is within the realms of normal child behaviour for some children to choose to eat a very limted range of food. Allow the child that choice, whilst continuing to model good varied eating habits, positive attitudes to food and providing encouragment to try other foods, but without creating tensions within the family over food, or psychologcial issues and battles about food.

I know that's just crazy talk isn't it??

My anecdote to throw in:

As a child I only drank milk for first 2 yrs, refused all food, and then for next 8yrs only ate, jam sandwiches and sausages. My mother was very concerned about my diet. I remember her taking me to the school doctor to discuss this, and her telling him I only drank milk, ate jam sandwiches and sausages. So he told her to feed me milk, jam sanwiches and sauasges. He said he thought I'd survive quite well on that and eventually grow out of it.

Do you know, he was right.

I now eat adventrrously, but never drink milk, can't stand jam and am a vegetarian.

YABU. And not very nice. Smug about your own children and not very accommodating to others. And to get wound up by something so insignificant is really beyond my comprehension.

Either welcome guests in with an open heart or don't ask them in at all.

My view is that you should show your kids that all kinds of behaviour is acceptable and being different isn't a bad thing. You might not like your kids to emulate their eating, but fussy eating isn't catching. It's unlikely to be passed on through contact after one meal.

If kids do stuff that's naughty or that you really object to, fair enough. You can point out that certain behaviours aren't acceptable to both the visitor and your own child. But eating? FFS, that child might have major stress with food and you, and all the other smug mums at school, ain't helping. HAve little empathy. One day it might be your dc that are 'winding up' other parents.

YABU you listed 12 things that the girl doesn't eat. Make her something else then, from the hundreds of other foods around. She's a guest in your house and you are a very ungracious host.

What will the child eat?

Bread? potatoes?

have you identified what she will eat? Is there nothing you can provide?

If it is only cheesy wotsits or chocolate buttons then I agree that is a step too far.

But could a jam/ham/cheese, braed and butter sandwich not be accomodated with little inconvenience to you?

and my anecdote to throw in. I ate just about everything as a child and, sickeningly, preferred salad to sweet stuff . My brother (same parents!) ate shepherds pie, egg yolk and chocolate mostly. And peas.

I would also ask the question if your child eats 7 meals which you can cook easily do they need a varied pallet, i mean 30 years ago there was no spag bol or curry even and we all survived, probably had a lot less trantrums at meal times too.

I am very lucky because my 4 year old is a fantastic eater; amongst the more "unusual" things she'll gobble down are the pickled baby octopus you get in a seafood salad, mussles, sushi, squid, sweetbreads, calves liver, mild curries, most fruit and vegetables, smoked salmon, anchovies, olives, Chinese food, rare steak, parmesan, gorgonzola and crab.

Granted, she has actually been exposed to all of this stuff and I do a lot of cooking from scratch, but I have never made an issue of it.

So ....... it may "appear" that the answer to an "unfussy" child is lots of different food experiences and home cooking but my older 18 year old son is nowhere near as adventurous, never has been, yet has had the same upbringing.

Worse ...... I was a "fussy" child. It wasn't a question of preferring a bar of chocolate to a plate of peas, nor refusing various options until I got the one I wanted but a combination of physical and psychological horror at the prospect of having to eat certain things: particularly fruit and veg. I would literally gag, and sometimes throw up if forced (eg. school cabbage - that showed them !) Even now, I can still remember the fear I felt at certain foods ...... it wasn't me being petulant, attention seeking, spoilt or awkward. The smell alone would often make me feel sick.

Then ....... as I got older, I gradually lost this fear and found the confidence to try new things (previously, this would have been impossible with the vomit reflex thing going on). I now adore onions, which was one of my particular hates, and eat most things (though not a lot of veg or fruit, I do eat some). In fact, I'd now say I have a very open-minded attitude to all sorts of food including raw fish, raw or rare steak, offal, very ripe cheese and so on.

I don't think the issue should be whether or not a child is fussy ...... I think it should be more about bringing that child up so their tastes (or lack of) don't make things unnecessarily difficult in social situations. I was very aware of being gracious, eg. at friends' houses about any food offered and to decline politely and not, for example, to demand anything else. I don't recall this was ever a problem but I can remember feeling petrified at the prospect of being put under pressure to eat something I literally couldn't when going somewhere new - thankfully I never was.

sabire, what I find most bizarre is your over generalisations and assumptions. You assume all fussy eaters are fed crap, processed food at home.

Actually my son, the one who is very fussy, won't eat any processed food and I would be delighted if he did because he would then be able to a) put on a bit of weight b) fit in to other people's mealtimes etc more.

He is very fussy but will eat all fruit and raw (only raw) vegetables, chicken, bread (wholemeal only!), hummous, olives, eggs etc.

You might wonder why this is a problem because it sounds ok. Well, he won't eat any meals that people consider 'normal' meals, lasagne, pasta, etc, etc.

I have explained to you about the fact that I don't pander to him and he has a fear of food and I am not going into that again but what I am trying to say is that your assumption that fussy eaters are all fed and will only eat crap food is completely untrue!!!

this is getting really unfair... sabire hasn't made any such generalisation that i've read.

sabire said amongst other things;

'My SIL always pandered to her fussy ds's - cooking to order only the foods they asked for. They're now 24 and 28. They eat from the following menu: vegetables - carrots, sweetcorn, potatoes (but only chips and roasts), burgers, Kentucky, ribs, pizza, roast chicken. And that's it basically. They eat no green vegetables other than peas now and then. I'd feel devastated if I thought I'd in any way encouraged my children to develop the sort of eating habits that would increase their risk of cancers and other lifestyle illnesses. I think there's a whole generation of children who are growing up having completely failed to develop a taste for vegetables and healthy food - and we're all going to pay the price when the NHS falls apart under the strain.... '

Agree to disagree as you're never gonna get consensus and this is getting tired now.

Have a look at the snake video instead.

Do you know how it feels? To dread being asked round someones house for a sleep over in case they cook you something you can't eat. I do, it is horrible, it is demoralising, its embarrasing and worse of all, you worry you will ofend the cook.
I would rather do cartwheels in the nude down the M25 during a traffic jam, than put any child through the horror of belittling them at the dinning table.

sabire has been on this thread for two days, happily acknowledging that some children have serious problems and it's nothing to do with the parents. however, the example she cites may very well be the fault of those adults' mother. she does, after all, know them. it seems ridiculous to me that so many of you are saying 'you don't know our kids' without at least allowing her to talk about the people she does know.

come ON, there are some kids out there whose parents are downright scared of them. whether that's disciplining them, offering them 'unusual' foods, whatever. seems perfectly obvious that's who she's talking about. why, if your child will eat an otherwise healthy diet (but is perhaps uncomfortable with certain textures etc) would you be taking offence at this?

upon saying that my kids will eat anything except ds dislikes the skin of potatoe, ie new pot have to be well scrubbed, and he won't eat the skin of a jacket.

but she doesn't seem to want to acknowledge that some children don't have serious problems and can still be fussy and have parents that don't pander. I and others have acknowedged that some parents do cause their childrens problems but not in all cases. She even misread my post assuming I was denying parenting ever causes those problems. She then decided that because I disagreed with her it must mean I let my children do everything they want. She said
" he point I was trying to make is this: that children can't always do/have what they want and it can be quite helpful if they have some tolerance for this. Obviously you don't think so."

"your assumption that fussy eaters are all fed and will only eat crap food is completely untrue!!! "

I didn't say this.

Susia

Currently £1 in every £10 that's spent in the NHS is spent on diabetes related illnesses.

At the moment one in ten 6 year olds are obese.

The figure runs to 1 in 4 pre-school age children in some areas.

On present trends HALF of all children in the UK will be obese by 2020.

Obviously many of these children are - among other things - eating very poor diets.

They're also raising their risk of lifestyle related cancers.

You obviously don't think this is a problem.

I do. I'm trying to get my children to eat a diet that will help them live long, healthy lives.

But I can see why there are so many fussy children around, and that's because as a society we're really tolerant about even older children refusing to eat a range of normal adult foods. We think it's normal. Fine. No problem.

Exterminaitch - I've tapped into a deep, deep seam of maternal angst and resentment here. I'm

Can also see many similarities with the bf vs ff discussion - the insecurities, the defensiveness, the way people have read things into posts that aren't there, the number of posters who feel they have to justify their choices, the spiteful personal attacks intended to discredit your motives and demoralise you into giving up and going away, the ignorance about the health issues underpinning the debate

still wanting to know what challenged your taste buds

the way people read things into your post that aren't there? like you? Its incredibly patronising to say people are ignorant of the health issues. Most people on here worry to death about what their children eat for those very reasons.

look, imo she's been attacked plenty on here and it would be very surprising indeed if she didn't trip herself up under those circumstances. i don't have to agree with everything she says, but i can read what she's writing as a broad theme, rather than just pick out bits where she's gone off her own message a bit due to being challenged here, there and everywhere.

as i said a hundred years ago, if someone offered me an eyeball sandwich i couldn't eat it to make people happy. i wouldn't expect a child to do so, or to eat whatever brings about the equivalent horror for them, even if it's a baked bean. but i do think that a combination of particular kid plus particular parent plus particular circumstance can create a fussy child that otherwise might not exist. that's how, surely, it's possible to have one such kid in a family... because children are different creatures, not the same as their siblings.