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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DPs been invited but I havn't.. yet again. What do you all think of this?

78 replies

luvlymummy · 06/07/2008 17:03

I've done a name change coz don't like slagging DP off.

He's always getting invited to family parties, christenings, goes with his family and friends to funerals, and other stuff, and I never get asked. We also have a child together and it seems I'm expected to stay at home and look after the baby- neither of us get invited. Why is this???? I don't know his friends or half his family and i feel like an outcast.

We've been together ages. It seems he doesn't want me there or I don't get invited, one or the other and I don't know which. When I asked him about it he said he's so sorry he didn't know I thought that and that he's new to this couples thing so he hadn't realised. Nothing's changed though.

OP posts:

DoubleBluff · 06/07/2008 17:04

HAve you ever met his faily?
Do they know you exist?
Sounds wierd to me..

littlelapin · 06/07/2008 17:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scorpio1 · 06/07/2008 17:05

I think its because they assume we will stay at home with baby.

Be more assertive, say 'oh that sounds nice i will book a babysitter'

See how that goes down?

youcannotbeserious · 06/07/2008 17:08

YANBU!!!

I'd be very unhappy about this.

Does he never say anything about you going?

Hassled · 06/07/2008 17:09

Do his family and friends actually know you exist? Have you met them? If yes and yes, then I'm sorry but it's just downright weird. Family dos, christenings etc are exactly the sort of thing you do get invited to as a couple.

Only explanations I can think of are that the family have an issue with you personally or that they disapprove of the unwedded bit and won't acknowledge you as a couple unless you're married. Or maybe DP is steering the whole thing because he likes to be able to act like a single man. If you have a child together the whole "new to the couples thing" is obviously bull.

Carmenere · 06/07/2008 17:09

How odd. What age is he? Is it cultural? Do other female members of his family stay at home?

Original poster

luvlymummy · 06/07/2008 17:09

I think I'll try that scorpio.

I do get on well with his close family and I see them a lot and they love the baby, but it's like I just don't enter their heads when it comes to anything fun. Or maybe they ask me and he makes excuses? I really don't know.

He's at a friend's christening today and I was just expected not to go. So I said I was going but this morning he was all moody and said I'd be sat with all lads. So the baby was a little ill and I said I'd stay home with him. He could have gone really, he was just pukey a bit like he always is after feeds as he has reflux. But I just felt like I'm not really welcome so I made my excuses and stayed at home. Gutting because I'd bought a new outfit specially and got the christened baby loads of presents.

My DP was God dad!

OP posts:

Hecate · 06/07/2008 17:11

Don't act like you think it's just him. Assume you have been invited too. Say "That's great." Then book a babysitter (if you don't know anyone there is an organisation called Sitters) and just get ready and go with him without fuss.

Unless you do and he turns round and says "Sorry, but you have not been invited, they do not want you to come." In which case - you have a problem.

Rachmumoftwo · 06/07/2008 17:12

How can he be new at this couple thing? You must have been together at least 9 months!

Why not have a party yourselves, get to know the family that way. A birthday party for the baby, a Christening (if that is your cup of tea), a housewarming, make something up!

Or-
People may just assume he will bring you, which is why you are not specifically invited. Just go along next time.

Original poster

luvlymummy · 06/07/2008 17:12

Sorry, cross posted. He's English and 27. It's like no one thinks of me. I mean, I was a little anti social while I was pregnant because I was v ill for most of it so couldn't go out to something without hurling, and couldn't afford much nice maternity wear.. so I KIND of understood it then... but not now!!

It's our baby's chrsitening soon so I'm a bit nervous because there'll be loads of people there who I don't know because he never takes me to meet anyone!

OP posts:

crokky · 06/07/2008 17:12

DP needs to say that either luvlymummy comes with me or I don't come at all. If my DH wasn't invited somewhere, I wouldn't bother going. Is there some other problem as this behaviour seems exceptionally rude!

littlelapin · 06/07/2008 17:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jalopy · 06/07/2008 17:13

It's time to get yourself noticed.

Dont put up with that crap from your partner.

Hecate · 06/07/2008 17:13

You were expected not to go? So he said to you "You are not going" ?? Just GO to these things with him! If he gets moody with you then something is very wrong indeed.

Rachmumoftwo · 06/07/2008 17:14

You posted again as I was typing. It sounds like it is your partner with the problem. You need to talk to him and ask him if he sees you as a couple. I bet 'the lads' had wives and girlfriends there.

littlelapin · 06/07/2008 17:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dmo · 06/07/2008 17:15

poor you sounds like its your dp not wanting you to go rather than his family.

if i invited the both of you to partys and you never turned up (because you didnt know you were invited) i would think you had a problem with us

they must be close friends today as your dp is godfather

RubySlippers · 06/07/2008 17:15

i would be fuming

you are a family, yet he is the only person invited

you are effectively being sidelined

not nice and serious words are needed

themildmanneredjanitor · 06/07/2008 17:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mummypig · 06/07/2008 17:16

Wow this sounds awful to me. Whether or not you are married, you are his partner and the mother of his baby. Surely at the very least he would want to show his child off? Do the family have anything to do with your child - do they visit or buy presents or anything?

I'm also wondering if it is originating from the family or from dp himself. His 'new to this couples thing' comment is a bit suspicious if you've been together ages. But to give him the benefit of the doubt, perhaps he feels it's easier to just do family things himself. I think my dp probably wishes he didn't get invited to my family dos and it's not as if we have them all that often. (Not slagging you off though jellybelly if you're reading.)

Scorpio's suggestion is a good way to approach it without being too confrontational. Perhaps if you go to one family event you'll realise they aren't that much fun anyway and he was protecting you.

RubySlippers · 06/07/2008 17:17

agree LL

sounds like he may have been using that line a lot

mummypig · 06/07/2008 17:17

ooh lots of messages while I was posting that

lackaDAISYcal · 06/07/2008 17:18

how old is he? If young and the only one of his friends to have a live-in partner and baby than it can maybe be understood a little, but I don't think this can be excused. You and the baby are part of his life and the three of you (or at least the two of you for evening dos etc) should come as a package, unless it's a boys night out obviously.

I think you need to sit him down and talk about this frankly

BabyDubsEverywhere · 06/07/2008 17:21

Most of my friends (a close group that i grew up with) are lads, they rarley bring their partners out. Even when invited. and some of whom have had the same partner for years. With some of them its because they dont relax the same with 'the misses' around, for others they feel like this group is their friends and they dont wana share. For the others they are scared shitless that the girlfriend will find out a few home truths from their single days that they would rather keep hidden. One couple in particular hav ebeen together years, have two kids, mortgage, he joked he would get married but it'd be no fun with her there ??? very strange people i admit but i know a few groups where this is the case.

mummypig · 06/07/2008 17:21

yes agree with LL and the others after reading your description of the christening today. It sounds like it's your dp's problem and he is making excuses for you. Very convenient for your dp if you don't come, but surely everyone else must think it's wierd. Put your foot down, just go to the next one - especially if you have an outfit ready . I would be fuming at that.

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