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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DPs been invited but I havn't.. yet again. What do you all think of this?

78 replies

luvlymummy · 06/07/2008 17:03

I've done a name change coz don't like slagging DP off.

He's always getting invited to family parties, christenings, goes with his family and friends to funerals, and other stuff, and I never get asked. We also have a child together and it seems I'm expected to stay at home and look after the baby- neither of us get invited. Why is this???? I don't know his friends or half his family and i feel like an outcast.

We've been together ages. It seems he doesn't want me there or I don't get invited, one or the other and I don't know which. When I asked him about it he said he's so sorry he didn't know I thought that and that he's new to this couples thing so he hadn't realised. Nothing's changed though.

OP posts:
Amphibimum · 06/07/2008 18:22

how hurtful
i wouldnt stand for this at all

amidaiwish · 06/07/2008 19:00

just a thought - if the baby has reflux and is sick a lot after feeds, maybe he is just worried that the baby will scream, be sick etc.?

i'm not saying that makes it ok.

or if he genuinely did look a bit funny at your dangly earrings, are you different / dress differently to his friends? or haven't you met them enough to know?

nametaken · 06/07/2008 19:18

What do you mean you're not invited. Whose name is on the invitations? Are you seriously saying that the invitations only state your dp - because if your name is on the invite you bloody well are invited

llareggub · 06/07/2008 19:20

Do you live together? Forgive me for asking, but it wasn't clear from your post. Are you the same age or a bit younger than he is?

It all sounds a bit odd, to be honest. I can't think of any family social occasion where just one partner would be invited. In fact, add a baby to the mix and most people are lucky to get any time away from friends and family.

I think your DP might be the one with the problem. What is he like as a boyfriend and father?

2point4kids · 06/07/2008 19:21

Did he actually say anything about your earrings though?
Because if you are feeling a bit insecure about how welcome you will be and not sure about going anyway, maybe you were thinking he was looking at your earrings funny and he was just thinking 'i wonnder if the taxi will be on time'...

googgly · 06/07/2008 19:29

My dh always immediately refuses any invitation that doesn't include me, unless it's purely work. If he didn't, I'd think that he didn't want to be with me, tbh.

beaniesteve · 06/07/2008 19:32

To be fair there are things I would expect my OH to be asked to which would exclude me. Christenings and weddings and funerals could be included in those things. Would depend how well I knew the people converned.

lilolilmanchester · 06/07/2008 19:33

With the exception of lads night out/work dos with no partners included, I would expect to be invited everything DP/DH invited to. Would say either his family IBU and your DP is am complete wimp not standing up for you - or he is not passing on invitations to you for some reason. Either way, you and he need a good long chat about this.

beaniesteve · 06/07/2008 19:53

But... take the earings thing. Did he really look at them in a funny way or did you interpret it that way? Who decided you weren't going after you got all dressed up? Him or you? Are you sure that you are not the one acting up a bit too much?

staffylover · 06/07/2008 19:57

Do you know he is going to these functions and not seeing a bit on the side.........i`d be very suspicious!

llareggub · 06/07/2008 20:04

I've never been invited to a funeral. Aren't they the sort of thing you just turn up to?

Weddings and christenings are definitely the sort of thing that couples are invited to. I'd think it very odd if my husband of 10 years was not invited to a wedding.

Of course there are things DH would be invited to on his own, and of course he would go, but weddings etc are not included!

itati · 06/07/2008 20:08

Either you are invited but he doesn't want you to go.
You aren't invited as they don't want you there.
You aren't invited as they think you won't want to go.
You aren't invited as they don't know you exist.

Talk to him!

tigermoth · 06/07/2008 20:38

I'm 99% sure the problem is with your partner. Agree you must assume you are invited and make arrangements to go out with him.

And also, go for an evening out with him alone, just to remind him of why he married you - dress up, be fun, show him how fab is it to have you around and how great it is to socialise together.

If he is insistent that his family and friends do not welcome you at their get togethers and he deliberately shuns you when in a group, then he is playing mind games with you and needs a serious talking to - or more.

Do not allow him to erode your confidence in company or warp you sense of who you are. Hopefully he is just being a bit immature and selfish.

mumeeee · 06/07/2008 22:45

YANBU. Your DP and you should both br invited to family gatherings. I would just insist on going with him the next time he is invited to one.

Original poster
luvlymummy · 09/07/2008 14:07

Hi all, not been able to get online for a bit. Thanks for all the comments, I KNEW I wasn't being unreasonable in expecting to go.

Well when he went out in a V bad mood, he said he would be home early and was just showing his face etc. Then he came in at almost half twelve at night!!! After going out at 11.30 in the morning. Not chuffed. I tried not to make a big deal about it but I explained how I felt and he said he'll take me to everything from now on.

But I don't know why he would if he hasn't before... I don't know why I was excluded in the first place. From what I can gather I'm being sort of invited (they are the kind of people who have a party at the opening of an envelope, and his family are friends with his friends IYSWIM, so they don't bother with invitations much, just a txt or a phone call or whatever and say be there).

I'm just miffed about the whole thing, and I think he made me feel uncomfortable about the whole thing so that I didn't go.

Also, someone asked if he's older than me. He is, by 5 years.

So what does everyone think to conclude? I still feel all upset about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
luvlymummy · 09/07/2008 14:11

Oh and also, he's in general a really good DP and a good dad. It's just this one issue really.

Also, when I take the baby to asda, I'm in, rushed around, out. But when he comes too, he gets all flustered if the baby cries and then takes the baby to the car. I think he's scared of looking like a rubbish dad or something.. so maybe that's part of why he doesn't take us places?

OP posts:
bozza · 09/07/2008 14:20

He is being unreasonable. And misleading - he is the baby's godfather - how can he just "show his face" at the christening? I think you need to be more assertive with him.

bozza · 09/07/2008 14:22

Viscious circle - he is not used to taking you places so he over-reacts about baby crying so then he doesn't take you places.

Tortington · 09/07/2008 14:26

i think you should remind him you are his partner. and the invites hould be for both of you.

he should be DISCUSSING THESE THINGS WITH YOU and teling them all to get fucked on your behalf becuase 'how very dare they'

Original poster
luvlymummy · 09/07/2008 14:28

Will it seem like I'm nagging though? i always worry I'll seem like a nag.

And I always say I don't mind when he comes home in the hope that he'll take me into consideration and come home at a reasonable time.

He has been very loving since I raised the whole issue with him. But it's still eating away at me. I'm terrified he's embarrassed of me.

OP posts:
cariboo · 09/07/2008 14:31

Oh luvly! That happened to me, too. Very distressing. My PIL are stauch RC, in their mid-80s & never accepted me until dh & I were married in church (although in "my" CoE). Now it's the same situation with dh's dd from his 1st marriage. She lives in Sweden with her partner & has done for many years but never, ever is he invited. Stupid, isn't it?

cariboo · 09/07/2008 14:33

Should have read the whole thread. Does sound odd. Put your foot down!

Crunchie · 09/07/2008 19:37

IMHO this is a big issue tbh. He is the one who doesn't invite you, if invites are so fluid and he knows that, then you are invited. HE is making you feel like you are not, critcising your ear-rings, passing comment on a crying baby. HE has the problem and you need to have it oiut with him

It is not nagging, it i snothing to do with your age, HE is controllng you and IMHO sounds like a passive bully sorry

bunchoflowers · 09/07/2008 20:32

I don't think this would happen if you were married, but it still shouldn't happen anyway.

Are you sure DP isn't taking you off the invite list because he wants to have a night out without you, just for a change? Or is he trying to separate you away from being friends with other people?

I am always supicious of men!!!

OurHamsterisevil · 09/07/2008 20:38

I can't imagine my DP going to a christening without me or DC for that matter. Surely people would ask where you were at a family event like that. Seems wierd to me