Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DPs been invited but I havn't.. yet again. What do you all think of this?

78 replies

luvlymummy · 06/07/2008 17:03

I've done a name change coz don't like slagging DP off.

He's always getting invited to family parties, christenings, goes with his family and friends to funerals, and other stuff, and I never get asked. We also have a child together and it seems I'm expected to stay at home and look after the baby- neither of us get invited. Why is this???? I don't know his friends or half his family and i feel like an outcast.

We've been together ages. It seems he doesn't want me there or I don't get invited, one or the other and I don't know which. When I asked him about it he said he's so sorry he didn't know I thought that and that he's new to this couples thing so he hadn't realised. Nothing's changed though.

OP posts:
Original poster
luvlymummy · 06/07/2008 17:25

He's 27.

I think you're all right.

So why is this? I asked if he was emabarrassed of me and he said he'd never heard anything so ridiculous. Yet today i got all dolled up ready to go to the christening and said 'what d'ya think?' and he gave me a weird look and didn't say anything, then looked at my dangly earrings as though they were made of shit or something. So I took them out.

I just don't get it. And people must think I'm a funny cow by now coz I'm never at anything!

OP posts:
Hecate · 06/07/2008 17:28

He clearly doesn't want you there.

Is there something he wants to avoid you learning about?

Original poster
luvlymummy · 06/07/2008 17:31

I don't know. His friends are also friends with his ex.. and their girlfriends are too... but that doesn't explain the family parties. Any more ideas? I feel so unnecessary.

OP posts:
Katisha · 06/07/2008 17:32

If he was the godfather then I have no idea why you would not be there as well.

May not be that he is hiding something, more that he thinks you cramp his style when he's out. He may not say it to himself in those terms, but it's some sort of reflex reaction. Maybe not ready to see himself as a family unit.

Get to the bottom of it tonight - you really must.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 06/07/2008 17:33

I dont think its nice of him, but at the same time, i think its common. I'm 24 dp 26, in our 'group' we are often the only couple out, we were both friends in the group before we got together so it works, most of the others either dont bring partners out, even when invited, or try and dump them once there, i think its shit, but at the same time, we do all have a btter time without 'outsiders'

olyoly · 06/07/2008 17:34

I would guess that your DP doesn't know how to integrate you into his group of friends. Some younger men just like to keep things the way they are, but that doesn't mean he is ashamed of you! I am sure you looked lovely for the christening and his shocked look had more to do with you going than how you looked.

Talk to him before you start to feel too insecure. He is being inconsiderate and you need an explanation.

littlelapin · 06/07/2008 17:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hecate · 06/07/2008 17:36

You've not got many options luv.

  1. Do nothing. Continue to feel outcast

  2. Do nothing and learn to be happy with not being included in any aspect of his life.

  3. Go to these things and ignore his sulking

  4. Talk talk and talk some more until you get it through to him that you actually have the RIGHT to attend family functions!

  5. Start doing the same. go to things on your own, tell him he is not invited. Leave him with the baby.

  6. Ultimatum. Change now or door is that way.

I can't really think of any other options for you, tbh.

RubySlippers · 06/07/2008 17:37

is it common to not have your partner at something as important as a Christening?

TBH, i think it is nice and importnat to do stuff without partners but not to this degree

2point4kids · 06/07/2008 17:45

You could get to the bottom of it by sending a short note to the person who was having the christening just saying 'so sorry dd and I couldnt make it to the christening but dd was a bit poorly. DP says it was a lovely occasion.
I'm looking forward to seeing you all soon'

Then going forward ASSUME without question that you are invited to all events too and GO!

I bet he is a bit awkward about it all just because you havent really done it before and he's got used to just going on his own instead of worrying about where and when you will feed baby/change nappies etc.

Give him the benefit of the doubt at first seeing as he seems genuinly shocked at the thought he is embarrassed of you.
It could be something that has just happened over time.
Like you say, you never wanted to go when you were pregnant.
After that he may have mentioned an event here and there 'oh its x's christening in july' and you may have answered in a way not making it obvious that you were going and he could have assumed from that that you didnt want to?

If he makes a fuss when you assume you are going THEN you have a problem and need to discuss it properly.

Good luck!

BabyDubsEverywhere · 06/07/2008 17:47

Littlelapin - i agree, and i dont like it, but im 1 vioce in about 30 so hard to change to much, although i do harp on at them when poss was just trying to show op that this does go on, its nothing sinister - well not that ive seen so far, but is just the way it is, its childish at worst. Agree with Hectate though, there is possibly very little you can do about it op. from my own experience with this sort of attitude, he will nod in all hte right places when you talk to him but it prob wont change much, i dont envy you though, i wouldnt want to have to ask somebody to want to spend time with me tbh.

2point4kids · 06/07/2008 17:49

Thinking about it more, men do just assume things and dont think about it or ask you about it sometimes!
I recently had the BIGGEST row with DH over a wedding abroad that he booked to go away to on his own when I found out that me and the DCs had also been invited but he had assumed I wouldnt want to go and so hadnt thought to tell me!
I went mental. He learnt an important lesson in talking to me about things that are joint decisions and not just assuming and end result is that we are all booked to go away for the wedding and really looking forwrad to it!
He didnt mean it in a bad way at all and was gutted that he'd upset me so much. He just didnt think !

MrsMacaroon · 06/07/2008 17:53

oooh...not good. I would be practicing my serious 'what the hell' speech in the mirror.

SSSandy2 · 06/07/2008 17:57

I'm sorry I think this is very odd and it must be obvious to him now that you have said you'd like to go along that he is being deliberately hurtful excluding you.

I also don't see why he is giving you funny looks etc re the earrings. It's as if he's trying to make you feel you wouldn't be goo enough to go along. Is he a bit of a snob? He's not being kind about the whole thing whatever his reasons are.

SSSandy2 · 06/07/2008 17:57

gooD enough

Dropdeadfred · 06/07/2008 18:00

I wouldn't stand for this...no way.

VictorianSqualor · 06/07/2008 18:03

I'd be well pissed if this was my partner.
When I was pg a couple of times he went to his mates house, then came home to tell em how everyone was there with their missus too and I was quite annoyed, but I really wouldn't have wanted to go being heavily pg and vomiting for England so he never bothered to ask.
Is it possible your DP has just got used to it being this way?

Original poster
luvlymummy · 06/07/2008 18:03

Now he's not even txting back. I don't understand. He's never normally like this.

He obviously is ashamed and doesn't know how to integrate me and wants to go off and do his own thing. He'd go mad if it was the other way round. And I'd never do it to him anyway!!

OP posts:
Bumperlicious · 06/07/2008 18:04

Don't his family and friends want to see the baby? I have the opposite problem with mine - DH and I are merely vehicles for DD, woe betide if we go anywhere without her

Ok, that's not helpful to you, but, point is, this is not on, really not. You need to find out if it is him or them.

Sounds like he just wants to have his cake and eat it. I would also arrange some girly nights and leave him and DS to their own devices. This may be an assumption, but I suspect he doesn't get left holding the baby very often. Sounds like it's time for him to realise this parenting lark is a 50-50 process.

SSSandy2 · 06/07/2008 18:06

well I don't know that he is ashamed. Why should he be but he is being unnecessarily unkind to you and that's unacceptable in a relationship. We hurt each other often enough as it is unintentionally but this isn't good.

I'm wondering if he is trying to keep you hidden away, fear of losing you, not wanting other men seeing you looking attractive, that kind of thing.

Can't get my mind around him giving you nasty looks because you were dressed up to go with him.

Turniphead1 · 06/07/2008 18:11

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

SSSandy2 · 06/07/2008 18:13

presumably you'll be allowed to attend your own baby's christening, so I would make a huge effort to befriend a couple of girlfriends of his gang there and get their phone numbers.

GrapefruitMoon · 06/07/2008 18:13

Its one thing to have nights out on his own with his friends - but to not want you at a Christening where he is the godfather? He needs a good talking to... Maybe the fact that his friends and their girlfriends are still friendly with his ex is the issue -is she likely to be at these events and he wants to avoid an awkward situation? Agree it doesn't explain the family parties though...

mrsruffallo · 06/07/2008 18:19

It is him, not his family, as a pp said.
I doubt any family would be so rude as to not invite you and the baby.
I think you need to sit down and have a frank excahnge of views.
There is a reason he does not want to be seen with you at family events.
Do you ever go out alone, just the two of you?

SSSandy2 · 06/07/2008 18:21

you get on well with his close family, see them a lot and they love the baby so TELL them how great it is that they have this extended family and all the get-togethers and you really want dc to be a part of all that (and thus you too)