To suggest that a new mum who "has" to go back to work, reluctantly, after maternity leave, could down-size from her five-bedroom house and thereby afford to stay at home?

[Twoddle]

I have a good friend who really does have to go back to work when her maternity leave ends later this month. She and her husband genuinely can't afford to live without both their salaries so, as much as she'd like to stay home longer, she can't.

Another friend's sister, however, was pulling the "It's all right for some mums, hanging around at home all day - some of us have to go back to work" line. Knowing that she lives in a four-bedroom house and is having a loft conversion and buys everything new for the home and for the soon-to-arrive baby and has a bit of a clothes-buying habit ... well, I tactfully and carefully suggested to my friend that maybe her sister didn't have to return to work so soon if it was important for her to be at home for longer with her child. I said she could downsize to a smaller home, maybe cut back on some spending, and then be able to afford to extend her maternity leave - if she so wished.

Said friend warned me through a steely glare never to say such words to her sister, and the atmosphere was abysmal between us for the rest of the evening.

Was my suggestion so unreasonable, in the circumstances?

Silly me for playing devil's advocate ...

I have this discussion (or rather I try not to as it just results in a row) with my sister often.

She moved to an expensive area and both her and her DH work although she says she would like to give up. She is always saying that it's alright for me who doesn't have to go to work.

We live in a cheaper area in a smaller house than we could have bought but we only got the mortgage on DH's salary as we knew I wanted to be a SAHM

You pay your money and take your choice IMO (I know that may be very un-PC and a bit inflammatory but on this issue that's how I fel - sorry)

Why? Why work to stay sane?
It doesn't make sense

it doesn't make sense to you MrsR - presuably it does make sense to many others or they wouldn't keep saying it.

op-yabu.i dont get why it was your buisness to comment.

hi athene!

Er, because the sheer drudgery and routine of spending all day every day with small children does drive some of us (who love our children just as passionately as you do) absolutely bonkers.
I have cut back dramatically on work, but I am definitely a nicer mummy and all round happier person if I get a break from the little lambs from time to time.
I think being a full-time mother can be a very lonely business if you aren't a very social person who is good at being super-proactive with arrangements. The joy of colleagues (and the downside, actually) is that they are always there.
You also tend to have a fair bit in common with them if you do the same job, IMO.

ahhh just seen this-
'Of course it's none of my business - except I was being spoken to as though vindication/an opinion were sought'

sorry!

OP - if a SAHM was complaining about being skint and how it was alright for people who had money would you tell her to get a job? Genuine question, just wondered really

Err, yes, that's it msdemeanor.

State the obvious, Kew
I am actually interested in debate and opinion,
which is why I am on a parenting forum.

Yes, of course, it would be fine to suggest ways of raising more money - eg working f/t, part time, selling on ebay, working from home in other ways etc - if she said, I want to stay at home but have more money of course people would suggest paid work - eg evening work, or working from home.
ON this site, women quite often say, 'I don't want to go back to work but have to pay the mortgage, help' and people suggest all sorts of way she could work less, including downsizing. It's hard to tell when a question is genuine though, or just someone wanting sympathy.

MsDemeanor, I don't disagree with you at all. Completely understand. See my post a few above yours. This thread seems to have escalated into a SAHM v. WOHM debate, which it was never intended to be; that's the vehicle for the underlying crux of the matter, which is about it surely not being OK, fair, etc, for someone to make choices - when they truly are choices - and then seek a sympathy vote for poor them who has to handle the repercussions of said choices.

I've said my bit on this - again, see my post somewhere aorund the 100 mark. Heading off for a few days now; will tentatively check back in when I'm back ...

Interesting to read everyone's thoughts. Thanks.

YANBU I often think this sometimes when some people I know moan about wanting to SAH but they 'can't afford to' or are unwilling to downsize their lifestyle. I am totally for choice and have both worked and SAH, you only get one life and if you want to work or SAH then you should do that, but it does grate me when people moan on about they want to stay home but cannot (yet they live in huge houses in an affluent area and are used to buying designer clothes and are competitive). I don't say anything but often think 'well you could stay home if you wanted or drop your hours.'

MsD was that aimed at me? My question was directed to the OP, sorry. I genuinely want to know if she's just the kind of person who tends to offer practical advice.

SOrry, I thought it was a more general question (as this thread has got so general!)

Auntie - hi. Quick response before I head off. I am quite a problem-solving sort, yes. And I suppose, given how the situation was presented to me, I thought well, it's not really poor her; there must be some ways - given her circumstances, which I know a fair bit about - that she could stay home beyond her maternity leave, if she really wanted to. So I tentatively made some suggestions.

Personally, I think the steely glare and warning I got back were unjustified. The friend and her sister, I can now see, simply want agreement - yes, poor her, etc. Not solutions. I didn't twig that. Tricky to vindicate though, when one doesn't really feel it.

sorry MrsR - you post sounded more like a statement than the opening of a debate.

Not really up for another endless debate about why I work and why I like it.

all sorts of moans don't really require responses though, just a general "oh yes"

Got you Twoddle, I've got a friend like you, a bit of a "problem-solver".

I have to be honest - tt can get irritating when people constantly try to "fix" your life.

I just wondered if your friend was reacting to that and that the whole SAHM/WOHM thing might just have been a bit of a red herring.

Blimey, Auntie. There are some sweeping judgements here from you too - who says I "constantly try to fix" others' lives?! I offered some suggestions on this occasion because they seemed warranted, and I can be good at problem-solving. That doesn't make me the kind of person you describe.

Maybe my friend reacted as she did because I had a point, and because people don't always like their take on things to be turned upside down by a different and plausible perspective.

Have clearly opened Pandora's box here ...

Okay, just another thought. If you're reasonable to whinge about the sister in law, isn't the SIL allowed a moan as well? Some days I wish I did not have to work - it's a pain in the arse juggling both and not being good enough at either.

I do have to work if I want to maintain the house/life/savings we have and have insurance against one of us being made redundant (which has happened with alarming regularity). Of course I could move into a one bed terraced house and never drink wine again (okay, that could be a struggle!)I choose not to. Doesn't mean I can't have an unreasonable moan every now and again though surely? Gah, why do we always take this topic so personally? Grass is always greener...

am with both Twig and UD here.....

The "you could downsize" comment mainly seems aimed at mums with a 4 bed or more sized house.

I would say that no-one should be advising others to consider downsizing as an option if they want to work less and spend more time with their children, UNLESS they hold a specialist financial adviser's qualification AND they have a 100% reliable crystal ball to forsee death, debt and divorce or the lack of these 3 risks in the future.

Giving up work and cashing part of a major family asset to provide a short-term source of income (plus lowering outgoings in the form of a cheaper mortgage or utilities bills) should be thought through very seriously particularly by the women involved as they generally end up worse off financially for the majority of their life if the family splits up.

If you are a problem-solver as you say you are Twoddle then you would piss me off. But - I wouldn't whinge in front of you because I'd know where that would end up.

Hopefully your friend's sister will have learned now to keep her mouth shut in front of you.