To suggest that a new mum who "has" to go back to work, reluctantly, after maternity leave, could down-size from her five-bedroom house and thereby afford to stay at home?

[Twoddle]

I have a good friend who really does have to go back to work when her maternity leave ends later this month. She and her husband genuinely can't afford to live without both their salaries so, as much as she'd like to stay home longer, she can't.

Another friend's sister, however, was pulling the "It's all right for some mums, hanging around at home all day - some of us have to go back to work" line. Knowing that she lives in a four-bedroom house and is having a loft conversion and buys everything new for the home and for the soon-to-arrive baby and has a bit of a clothes-buying habit ... well, I tactfully and carefully suggested to my friend that maybe her sister didn't have to return to work so soon if it was important for her to be at home for longer with her child. I said she could downsize to a smaller home, maybe cut back on some spending, and then be able to afford to extend her maternity leave - if she so wished.

Said friend warned me through a steely glare never to say such words to her sister, and the atmosphere was abysmal between us for the rest of the evening.

Was my suggestion so unreasonable, in the circumstances?

Silly me for playing devil's advocate ...

Gosh, I never post on these debates because I'm a wuss and they always get far too heated for me. But I read this from littlemissdancing and just had to comment:

"I long for a SAHM to say to me 'actually, I chose to stay at home because we can afford it and I enjoy it' instead of all this smell-of-burning-martyr 'it's what's best for the children so I gave up my promising career and of course I do lots of voluntary work' stuff."

This is such a good point. How can anyone know what is really best for their children in the long term? So don't we all make our choices based on a) personal circumstances and b) personal choices? I have chosen to stay at home with my kids, I can't guarantee you that its 'better' for them than being at nursery or with a childminder, a lot of the time I'm not a particularly good Mum! But I like being at home, I didn't particularly enjoy the job(s) I had before having kids, so at the moment this suits me and DH, and so far DS1 & 2 haven't protested. We can only just afford to do this by me working one night a week in a pub and in a shop on saturdays, but again, that's a choice we've made.

It puzzles me that people feel they have to justify the choice they make either in financial or 'best for the children' terms. Aren't children, in general, happiest if they're loved, secure and have (reasonably) happy parents? Surely whether being a WOHM (full or part time) or SAHM (again, full or part time) suits you better, at any one particular time, doesn't REALLY affect how happy and well adjusted your children are? Or am I just being naive here?

PS - I totally appreciate that for some people choice doesn't come into it, and for financial or other reasons they HAVE to either work or stay at home. I'm more talking here about those of us who are lucky enough to have some level of choice in the matter.

Am I making any sense whatsover? This will teach me to break the habit of a lifetime and actually post on here rather than just lurk

Sorry, that should be littlemydancing obviously, not littlemissdancing

You make perfect sense to me pinkpip.

Could not agree more pinkpip.

I am in the interesting (to me) position of having been a WOHM since my DS was 7 months but have had 3 months off since my DS was 14 months because I've changed jobs so have been on gardening leave (ie not working my notice). And although I've really enjoyed it in lots of ways, I think (actually I know) I'm a much better mother when I do other things outside. And my DS is now watching a lot more telly than he ever has before.

It's really hard being a SAHM I think - because small children are repetitive and demanding and because finding them stuff to do on a rainy day (my current bugbear) is really hard. While I am dreading the stress of going back to work in a lot of ways, I'm also really looking forward to it. And my DS is pretty bored a lot of the time because I'm absolutely rubbish at going to playgroups and stuff because I loathe making small talk.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say clumsily is that I have always had a sneaking suspicion that my DS would be better off with me at home but I am now absolutely convinced that he isn't. Not that he is better off at nursery/with a CM but that there are benefits and downsides to whatever you chose.

Which really is a terribly longwinded way of saying what you did but with a personal spin

Agree pinkpip and spicemonster.

Going to nursery adds to richness of the tapestry of dcs' lives, just like going to work adds balance and interest to mine. It does not occur to me to question whether my homelife or worklife is better. Both are enjoyable in moderation and it their own ways. I dare say neither would be enjoyable if I had to do it fulltime.

I would imagine it is the same for dcs. Being with parents and being at nursery bring different dimensions to their day. I am satisfied that they are happy at nursery. So I really cannot feel guilty about it.

When I was on maternity leave with ds, I still used ft nursery for dd. I could afford it. It was great.

Welcome pinkpip! I totally agree with all of you - I know for certain that DS absolutely loves nursery and he loves being at home, and he gets a good proportion of both.

And if he didn't love it, then we would move heaven and hell so he didn't have to go.

I was also thinking about the 'issue' of WOHMs who keep their DCs in childcare while they are on AL/ML; would the same people who are 'mystified' by this also have a problem with a SAHM who sends their 3 or 4 year old to pre-school 5 mornings a week? Isn't that the same thing? Again, aren't those choices influenced by a host of factors, including a judgement call on what we think would make our children and us happiest.

I'm pretty sure that the extreme case of parents who do anything to avoid spending time with their children is a very very rare one.

commonly many anecdotal argument/pov will be posted as fact. two extreme stereotypes trotted out

i know working mum who slams her children into daycare 24/7.the dog BF the baby.she never talks to them.work work work

i know a sahm who watches BrainRot TV all day, tittering about doing sweet FA feeding the children pot noodle

i do find sahm/working parent threads very cyclical bit disheartening essentially frankly do what you want ladies

Couldn't agree more - women should be bloody supporting each other and working together to make sure there is proper support for all families (not just women) in whatever choices they have made instead of ripping lumps out of each other in order to justify their own decisions. Its crazy!

Isn't there a saying about never talk about money, religion and politics?

SAHM/Working mum, BF/FF, State/Private school the perennial ole argy bargy humphy faces threads

yabu

it's personal choice - if she feels she has to and doesn't want the alternative, it's up to her/her family.

If confronted with these sort of things, a smile and 'everybody makes sacrifices for their children/families, like living in a smaller house so you CAN stay at home with them' can shut people up if it really gets on your nerves...