Teacher carrying 9yo into school.

[ChitterChatter1987]

My eldest daughter (Year 5) is becoming really tricky to get into school some days, particularly Mondays.
She has a male teacher for the first time this year, who she seems to get on well with and speaks positively about.She had specifically asked to have him despite often generally being abit more fearful of males than females.He is popular with kids and parents and is fairly young and laid back, quite playful and enthusiastic in his approach.

A couple of times he has come out when we have had issues getting her in recently and has verbally managed to persuade DD to go in by giving an incentive etc which has worked well, but today despite him trying this and offering good solutions to her worries, she just would not go in, and went outside the office reception and sat down refusing to move.
He suggested out of earshot for me to go as maybe me being there was making her more reluctant, which i agree was probably true as maybe then she thinks she might be able to come home.

I walked off up the path and left him negotiating with her outside as he had advised, however then looked back and saw him fireman carrying her into the building.
Now I totally get it's a hard sitiation knowing how to get her in,and appreciate he has a class to teach, so can't stand outside negotiating with her for ages, and there is a possibility she was okay with him lifting her in and it was a fun game (although I would be surprised as she isn't really a tactile child with anyone other than me and sometimes her dad and sister) If someone had done that with my 5yo, unless she was kicking and screaming in upset, I probably wouldn't think much of it tbh, but with her being older on the cusp of puberty, him being male, and also her having ASD and not liking physical touch, it just feels like it might be quite humiliating for her and abit forceful and inappropriate, despite it being meant as a playful gesture to get her to go in.
We always try to teach her body autonomy, that nobody should touch her including hugs etc without her wanting them to, so i just worry that this is going against that, especially with him being an adult male.
She is quite a young 9.5, and fairly small for her age, so not sure he would have done it otherwise, but despite that she is still the age she is.

My plan is I will speak to her later and see if she was okay with it or not, and if not ask for a meeting with school, asking them to not do it again and discussing alternative methods to get her into school.

What are others thoughts on this practice? If anyone else has experienced something similar, or has any ideas of alternative ways to get her into school i would be grateful for your input!

Is she jealous about you being at home with the baby. A lot to take in for a 9 year old.

Teachers can't win.

THIS. And I am very glad to see the thread not going the way OP wished it to go! The sensible people are obviously logged on this morning. 👏

Agree. Poor teachers. They can’t win.

@TheNightScentedStockthis! And @Noodle9951I am pretty sure the teacher just wanted to get on and teach the rest of the class that were waiting! Maybe a misjudgement but next time, perhaps talk to senior management about plans going forward.

@FriggadyDiggadythis as well. Who would want to be a teacher!!!

I think so yes. I would like mum to come up with a plan instead of complains as it isn't a long time solution to carry a 9 yo around.

He got her inside the class tbh I'd take that as a win. If you don't like the way they handled it I think you should be the one getting her in the classroom, even if it is carrying her in

You say she was sitting outside the office reception. But then that he carried her into the building. Which was it ?

Teachers are now trained in safe handling [it used to be called team teaching] which often meant in my day 2 of us carried a child into school. You are not helping your child by complaining on here without establishing the facts with the teacher and the school.

If neither you nor the teacher can get her in with words and possibly a gentle hand hold, then the teacher needs to go to his class and another solution needs to be found. Speaking from experience. This is a safeguarding issue for both the teacher and your child.

Given that your DD has an EHCP, the school should be making reasonable adjustments and this could involve a different start to the day.
It might be that your DD would benefit from starting the day in a separate calm space with a TA, doing a sensory activity such as kinetic sand or possibly playing a board game that she enjoys before she transitions into the classroom with the other children.

So what’s the reason behind it? If you know, share it with the teacher and then you can move forward.

My DDs the same op, but thankfully much better this year so far (y6).
I can see why he did it but yeah it is a bit unwise and might have made her feel humiliated. 9 is a bit old for that sort of thing.

I can see you’re not saying any of the things pp are accusing you of saying, so don’t worry about that.

DD has had to be semi pried off me, held etc while I escape, but all her teachers are female. It’s not nice.

The poor teacher! It must be dreadful to have a child like this, causing disruption for the other 29 or 30 kids. He had to get her in somehow or else just leave her outside. If you are going to report him, he will end up wishing he hadn't bothered with her. I feel sorry for the rest of the class, who will be missing their education because of your daughter. Year 5 is an important time.

I'm team teacher too although id agree that this isnt a sustainable strategy for getting her into class. May be one for a quick call and clarify expectations and support for your daughter. Eg does the school want a quick and cheery kiss/ hug goodbye and off you pop? Is humour the best way to diffuse and move along? Could be your daughter os physically stuck at the threshold with anxiety. Whilst unorthadox, perhaps a quick swift transition with humour/ unpredicatability has lots of merit and is worth exploring!

I would be raging. I have an 8 yr old I can hardly get in some days and have to manhandle him up the street at times or gently lift him over the threshold but you absolutely cannot relax the boundary of a teacher picking them up.

I'm our school it would never be the teacher talking the child round, there are TAs who specifically have plans for some kids like my son who have soft starts and it's support staff who get them into class not the teacher. In your position I'd have been sent to find a member of management or a TA to help.

People who are 'team teacher's why? Why is this ok?

I’m so glad to see how many people appreciate what a difficult situation this is for teachers. So much time is spent cajoling children into school these days. It’s very frustrating for staff. The poor teacher was probably thinking of the children waiting for him and the lesson he needed to get started.

Clearly getting her into school has become a song and dance. A battle of wills almost. And he is right, you should not hang around to ‘wait and see’.
Any anxiety you have she will pick up on super fast. And behave accordingly.
Assume she is going in. And leave.

Exactly.

Perhaps there are not enough TA’s available ?

I'm an ex teacher of this age group. I am astonished he thought this was an OK thing to do but I am broadly on the side of the school. I don't understand why you as the parent are not taking a firmer line with your daughter. Can you not take her by the hand and lead her to the classroom and tell her she has to stay? She is less likely to kick up a fuss if she is surrounded by her peer group.
WRT the teacher picking her up, no I don't think that was appropriate. I would start by asking to speak to the teacher this evening but don't go in all guns blazing. Just politely ask what led to him doing that, say you don't think it is appropriate, explain about her non tactile nature, and ask how you and the teacher can move forward in dealing with this issue. Remember, you should see yourself as in partnership with the teacher, not adversaries.

This must be really frustrating for the teacher. It’s not his responsibility to get kids into class, and he cannot start the lesson until everyone is seated.

It is your responsibility to get your child into class, though. Would you be able to accompany your daughter into class and get her settled before any of the other children come in?

I don’t know what the solution is because this kind of things seems to have skyrocketed. But it is obviously incredibly disruptive to the teacher and other pupils, but you seem more concerned about the way the teacher got your child into class, rather than the disruption your child is causing.

My plan is I will speak to her later and see if she was okay with it or not, and if not ask for a meeting with school, asking them to not do it again and discussing alternative methods to get her into school.

See, I wouldn’t be asking my child if they were okay with it. I would be saying that they are 9, and it was quite silly for them to have to be carried into class like a baby.

Look, I’m all for taking my children’s feelings and views into consideration, but not when they are being disruptive.

At our childrens' school they don't have enough TAs to cover all these special needs in 2026.

Why is your 9 year old fearful of men? Raising girls to actually feel fearful of men isn’t healthy. There is a world of difference between teaching fear of men compared to teaching reality of the world, sensible precautions and open discussion with you if anything ever happens but she has somehow been raised to fear men?

Your kid won’t go into school. He got her into school. And you’ve said it looked like it was done as a silly game to lift her mood. Support the school.

I am certainly not accusing him of sexual or physical abuse 🤦‍♀️ and no i'm not going to complain about him and make him loose his job.....as i have said, i meant meeting with him to discuss her school avoidance and how best to deal with the school avoidance in a planned way that doesn't involve physically carrying her in....not stringing him up in front of the head or something (maybe i didn't make that clear)
People are missing the point competely here it seems....when I say inappropriate I mean as children get older there naturally need to be more boundaries with physical contact especially in professional situations.That's not to say someone is automatically a pervert or a paedophile if they misjudge that abit, it can simply be to do with respecting personal privacy! If i thought he had abused her i wouldn't be posting on mumsnet AIBU would i, I would be making a safeguarding complaint FGS! I've said it is clear he meant no harm.
He has come out to see her because he has managed to persuade her before when the TA, head and office staff couldn't.It was school's idea for him to not my request, but previously it has worked well and she has complied once he has got involved as he has good ideas to persuade her.