Teacher carrying 9yo into school.

[ChitterChatter1987]

My eldest daughter (Year 5) is becoming really tricky to get into school some days, particularly Mondays.
She has a male teacher for the first time this year, who she seems to get on well with and speaks positively about.She had specifically asked to have him despite often generally being abit more fearful of males than females.He is popular with kids and parents and is fairly young and laid back, quite playful and enthusiastic in his approach.

A couple of times he has come out when we have had issues getting her in recently and has verbally managed to persuade DD to go in by giving an incentive etc which has worked well, but today despite him trying this and offering good solutions to her worries, she just would not go in, and went outside the office reception and sat down refusing to move.
He suggested out of earshot for me to go as maybe me being there was making her more reluctant, which i agree was probably true as maybe then she thinks she might be able to come home.

I walked off up the path and left him negotiating with her outside as he had advised, however then looked back and saw him fireman carrying her into the building.
Now I totally get it's a hard sitiation knowing how to get her in,and appreciate he has a class to teach, so can't stand outside negotiating with her for ages, and there is a possibility she was okay with him lifting her in and it was a fun game (although I would be surprised as she isn't really a tactile child with anyone other than me and sometimes her dad and sister) If someone had done that with my 5yo, unless she was kicking and screaming in upset, I probably wouldn't think much of it tbh, but with her being older on the cusp of puberty, him being male, and also her having ASD and not liking physical touch, it just feels like it might be quite humiliating for her and abit forceful and inappropriate, despite it being meant as a playful gesture to get her to go in.
We always try to teach her body autonomy, that nobody should touch her including hugs etc without her wanting them to, so i just worry that this is going against that, especially with him being an adult male.
She is quite a young 9.5, and fairly small for her age, so not sure he would have done it otherwise, but despite that she is still the age she is.

My plan is I will speak to her later and see if she was okay with it or not, and if not ask for a meeting with school, asking them to not do it again and discussing alternative methods to get her into school.

What are others thoughts on this practice? If anyone else has experienced something similar, or has any ideas of alternative ways to get her into school i would be grateful for your input!

Team teacher.

Yes. I would expect you to stand there all day or take her home rather than have teaching staff persuading her to go in, when they have 30 other children to teach.

Why would you not be expected to do this?

BTW, catch yourself on-you don't have the power to make this teacher "loose" (sic) his job but you could certainly raise a nasty atmosphere.

She is your child. You know her best, so you deal with this problem-your problem.

And while you're busy teaching her about body autonomy, teach her that she has to go into school or go home with you.

Ffs

🙄.

You do it again and again until the child realises that this just isn’t acceptable.

A child is doing this because they can, not because school is genuinely so distressing.

I get it’s hard for some more than others, my DD struggled and we got her all the supports we could but at the end of the day, when she tried anything like that we simply were stronger. She knew she’d have to relent. It makes me sad that this is how she felt, but having gotten her to A levels whilst not destroying family life I know it was the right decision.

I have one friend who ended up losing her job, home and then finally marriage because of her school refusing DD.

The same DD is now 17, on benefits and drinking buzzballs in the park. She’s won, and she knew she would from day 1 when my friend gave in to her.

We have had a shift the past couple of terms in that once in school she is now outwardly 'fine' wheras last year she needed constant 1-1, was very disruptive in class and had to be outside the classroom alot.All that has stopped.However now we have alot more issue getting her in, and i think she is masking heavily.

School have tried to think of solutions to what she is worried about, and offer support.I think it's the transition we are struggling with most now, especially after a weekend.She also doesn't go to bed early enough and is hard to get up, which likely doesn't help (awaiting a sleep clinic appt)

What you tried didn’t work so trying other things is needed and he did that. Support him here, don’t go against him. As you’ve already said you taking her home isn’t something you see as a viable option

I don't think it was a wise move on his part. Partly because he lays himself open to accusation, partly because he may have made a rod for his own back if your daughter did indeed see it as fun. There's a limit to how much special attention its wise to give and what form this should take. If your daughter thought it was great fun its hardly going to encourage her to go in quietly with the others in future.
If I were you I'd have a conversation about agreed strategies for the future as this does seem rather impulsive and ill thought through.

Call the parent.
Tell them to take her home.

HTH.

I would wait and see if your daughter mentions it.

Otherwise you are colouring her perspective.

Clearly you need to be leaving as obviously she finds it harder if you are hanging about. They tell you this with babies at nursery.

If she knows she doesn’t have a choice she’ll go in. It’s because you’re giving her the option that this is difficult.

Let the teacher handle it and support him.

Going advice.

One of the best responses on this thread. Stop giving her choices and fussing around

This.
Kid is playing up because Mum’s a softie. No kid wants to go to school, our job as parents is to make it clear it’s not optional, yes you might not like it but in you go for a few hours and you’ll be home soon. It’ll be ok.

Years ago parents did not drop children off nor collect them. I am talking about the 70’s. School bus was the transport. Or walking. Which children did by themselves or usually with their friends. Parents did not have two cars, and many not even one.

I cannot recall anyone not going into class.

I agree with this.

It was unwise of the teacher but understandable & it worked.

Do you ever have fun?! Laugh? Smile?

Exactly. Because there was never a choice.

Wtf?

As a parent I would have carried her in myself if mine started messing about at the gate, embarrassing or not.

Would you do that to an adult with really bad anxiety?
Do you think dragging a child will stop them being scared to go into school?
This thread is awful!

And finding the right type of school! Are people having a laugh!
There is not an abundance of specialist schools!

People want to watch the new film out this week about children and there familys regarding this exact issue!

I would do exactly what you have suggested. A gentle non-leading conversation with her first, then maybe a constructive conversation with the teacher/SENCo about ways to help her settle in the morning. The last thing you want is it to escalate to full blown school refusal. I’m sure physically moving the child is a last resort for the school as well. My dd previously had some issues going in in the morning but was absolutely fine at breakfast club which was a calmer with a more staggered drop off.

I'm talking as the parent. You do what as a parent then?

Well he did a better job at getting her into school than you did.

I would ahavecbsolutely no problem with this at all and be thankful he got her in. He got a result. As you say she has ASD i am certain you would know if she was unhappy. I would be worried that she wants that 1 to 1 attention every morning.

You're acting like i asked for them all to come out and assist? I didn't.And what do you expect me to do myself? Stand there all day? take her home?

Schools i have worked in have asked parents to stay as they haven't got staff to mess around with a refuser or take her home if the situation has become untenable.

It worked that day. Now you have an autistic child already struggling to attend who has been taught she'll be picked up by a man and forced into class. So the next day and every day afterwards? You get her there how? And I'm really asking, as a parent what do you do then? If the child is now more worried and anxious and feels less safe at school, what then?

Team Teacher too. The teacher will have a class of children to teach, have planned the lesson and prepared all the resources. Time is very precious in a primary school - there is no way that he would want to start his day coaxing your child into class. That should be done by others, with input from him if required. He will have had to settle your daughter, and the rest of the class when he got back to the classroom, and then start to teach probably five differentiated ability groups. Safety and security ( both physical and emotional) are priorities for children in primary schools, and essential that school find a way to ensure this. But I really feel for this teacher. I have been there and it is physically and emotionally draining to give every child in the class the attention and care that they need. He will have the rest of the day with up to 5 more lessons to prep and deliver too.