Teacher carrying 9yo into school.

[ChitterChatter1987]

My eldest daughter (Year 5) is becoming really tricky to get into school some days, particularly Mondays.
She has a male teacher for the first time this year, who she seems to get on well with and speaks positively about.She had specifically asked to have him despite often generally being abit more fearful of males than females.He is popular with kids and parents and is fairly young and laid back, quite playful and enthusiastic in his approach.

A couple of times he has come out when we have had issues getting her in recently and has verbally managed to persuade DD to go in by giving an incentive etc which has worked well, but today despite him trying this and offering good solutions to her worries, she just would not go in, and went outside the office reception and sat down refusing to move.
He suggested out of earshot for me to go as maybe me being there was making her more reluctant, which i agree was probably true as maybe then she thinks she might be able to come home.

I walked off up the path and left him negotiating with her outside as he had advised, however then looked back and saw him fireman carrying her into the building.
Now I totally get it's a hard sitiation knowing how to get her in,and appreciate he has a class to teach, so can't stand outside negotiating with her for ages, and there is a possibility she was okay with him lifting her in and it was a fun game (although I would be surprised as she isn't really a tactile child with anyone other than me and sometimes her dad and sister) If someone had done that with my 5yo, unless she was kicking and screaming in upset, I probably wouldn't think much of it tbh, but with her being older on the cusp of puberty, him being male, and also her having ASD and not liking physical touch, it just feels like it might be quite humiliating for her and abit forceful and inappropriate, despite it being meant as a playful gesture to get her to go in.
We always try to teach her body autonomy, that nobody should touch her including hugs etc without her wanting them to, so i just worry that this is going against that, especially with him being an adult male.
She is quite a young 9.5, and fairly small for her age, so not sure he would have done it otherwise, but despite that she is still the age she is.

My plan is I will speak to her later and see if she was okay with it or not, and if not ask for a meeting with school, asking them to not do it again and discussing alternative methods to get her into school.

What are others thoughts on this practice? If anyone else has experienced something similar, or has any ideas of alternative ways to get her into school i would be grateful for your input!

Well I'm sure the school and mum have tried more than enough to understand why she is doing this and encourage her in but she doesn't want to be there so the school and mum need to decide whether she has the thinking skills to make that decision. If not then yes she needs to be none-violently but decisively made to get into the classroom. If she is allowed to make that choice then there's only so much the school can do to encourage her in and they cannot and should not be spending the entire morning coaxing her in whilst the other kids miss out. Gentle negotiation is fine but kids see the world in black and white at this age so we have to be black and white about their choices.

I went o school in the 80s. Noone was jerked by an arm or leg, my sister was a school refusing poor eater (diagnosed ASD as an adult) and a lunch lady forcefed her. I remember a teacher closing a child in a cupboard for eating playdough though. Also now would have at least a pica diagnosis, she ate all sorts of class items. A boy in my class who attacked a teacher several times, he had severe learning difficulties and has been in jail as an adult for assault. A girl whose parents were both killed in a horrible accident leaving her orphaned I remember being put in isolation for crying in class.

None of these things are or were ok. There were no good old days. There was a greater acceptance of dehumanizing and abusive treatment of children.

Do they? Did you see the world as black and white at 9? With no critical thinking skills whatsoever? It's not how I remember it

@ChitterChatter1987 he may have offered her a fireman’s carry out of desperation to just get her inside. She may have decided yes, it means she could carry on being a pain but call and end to it to.

I worked as an ISA previously, it took me 1hr 40 mins to persuade a child to go into the classroom once. Teachers simply do not have the time to spend on one child whilst the other 29 are waiting to start school.

Your daughter sounds stubborn. She could maybe do with a one-to-one if she hasn’t already got one. They can make all the difference to her wanting to go school or not.

Some of the replies here, and the ‘team teacher’ nonsense, are utterly ridiculous. The original
post was perfectly measured - the OP clearly does not dislike the teacher, think he’s a paedophile, or want to get him fired. She’s just a bit uncomfortable with the idea of a child of older primary age being physically handled in that way - and I agree, OP, she’s quite old to be lifted like that; my 9yo would definitely not be ok with it. I’ve sometimes had a situation where one of my kids at a much younger age would resist going into the classroom, and the teacher would eventually ask if it was ok with me if they brought them in, and then would lift them inside and shut the door. But that’s very different with a 5yo than a 9yo, and using a fireman’s lift too - I can see why it wouldn’t sit well.
School refusal is really horrible for all concerned, and it’s very obvious which posters here have never had experience of it.
I think the best thing, as you suggest, is to arrange a meeting with him so you can discuss a strategy for mornings going forward.

I can, but I also genuinely don't think this smacks of anything inappropriate. As you say, he was fireman carrying which isn't a particularly intimate hold; it's not as if she had her legs wrapped round his waist or anything.

I think he was just under pressure to deal with her. Please don't feed her any other excuses to resist going in, as the more this escalates, the more difficult it will be for you - and more importantly her, down the line.

Wait and see if this helped. She might have decided it is simpler to cooperate and walk in.

I work with children that experience EBSA . Please do not listen to all the force her in comments about them "doing hard things" this is absolutely not the way the brain works in regards to anxiety and forcing while scared or anxious can make this so so much worse. Hypnotherapy can help massively with anxiety and confidence loads free on youtube and Spotify.

Im very surprised he is actually allowed to do this as far as aware physical contact /restraint is for specific trained staff and should only be applied in an emergency. Trust to trust rules change however Under Section 93 of the Education and Inspections Act 2006, school staff can use reasonable force to prevent injury, damage, offences or serious disruption to school discipline.
But the force must be justified and proportionate to the circumstances.
The Department for Education's updated guidance, effective April 2026, also makes clear that:
Physical intervention should be avoided where less restrictive alternatives are appropriate.
Staff must consider the child's age, needs and vulnerabilities.
Physical restraint carries risks of physical and psychological harm.
Force must never be used as punishment.
Significant incidents involving force must be recorded and reported to parents as soon as practicable, subject to limited exceptions.

Thank god. A voice of reason. No wonder if see so many kids in therapy with parents like these commenting.

Also OP wait and see if she says anything.

She might be distressed by it, which changes everything ...

OP you’re going to get a lot of responses on this thread from ignorant parents who have no experience in managing school refusal for a child with ASD.

my DD8 has just returned to school after 16 months out of education due to her extreme anxiety around school. At the age of 6 she eventually had a breakdown and was suffering from autistic burnout and was no longer able to attend. She has been statemented since age 5 in mainstream, however we fought for her and eventually secured a place in a specialist setting which she now attends also with 1:1 support and she is finally thriving.

My DD masked heavily in school to try and not stand out, she’s very gentle and timid. I can imagine her being deeply distraught with being handled by a teacher like that but not expressing it at the time, however for her it certainly would have reinforced that school is not a safe environment for her. I once had the senco at the mainstream school hold on to DD while she screamed and sobbed for me and I was told to leave the building, it was soul destroying and reinforced to her that she was unsafe. She then developed severe separation anxiety from me which we are still dealing with.

I suggest speaking to the teacher and senco and asking that DD is not physically forced/carried into school like that again. Also, I’m not sure about your area but I would ask if the LA have a local impact team who are experienced in dealing with children with autism, particularly EBSNA and ask for a referral for outside resources. Good luck 💐

Good need more action like this than pandering to every child who doesn’t want to go in. I say that with a bow teen but when he was at primary never wanted to go in. If she doesn’t like it then she will need to walk in tomorrow on time.

Hi Op

school gov here - the only scenario I can imagine where it’s appropriate for any teacher male or female to fireman lift a child is in a situation that’s escalated to the point of them hurting themselves or others. a child refusing to enter the building would not be one of those situations!

the school should have a robust policy over restraining children - hopefully available on their website.

then only other situation I can think of is that your DD agreed to it and found it fun! Even so the SLT within the school I should imagine would heavily advise against it.

I ended up with a stress fracture, bites, bruises, scratches and an A&E trip from carrying and trying to force my child in over the years. And I am very fit and fast.

Carrying a child in works for that one day. It does not help the child or save any money, it'll probably cost more in the long term.

This attitude is ableist and incredibly harmful. No wonder there is such a stigma around invisible disabilities like autism. Ridiculous.

From what I could see ( and I was there), no, they were in attendance. You had a roll call morning and afternoon. Anyone missing and it would have been noted and actions taken following. Attendance records at my school were pretty solid actually. I think they were required to be. Nobody slipped out anywhere. Whatever class you were in.

You sound as though you went to a particularly poor school.
Not everyone’s experience would have had such horrors.

I think waiting to see how DD felt is a good idea OP.

Were you in their actual classes?

Also, as I said to a pp, it wasn't as regulated as it was now so even if one school was on top of it, it doesn't mean they all were. Especially as it was only in the 70's where it became an actual requirement for LA's to educate SEND children.

As the mum of 2 ND girls one in Yr11 with severe anxiety based EBSA please listen to your girl, she is telling you she isn't ok in school, yes the tummy aches are her anxiety, you said she says it's not anxiety, my 17yr old ASD girl didn't realise what she was feeling was actually anxiety until her counsellor explained to her that it was, she said she never knew that's what anxiety felt like.
You need to find out what she finds difficult about school, it could be noise, smells, busy corridors, you say she doesn't like physical touch, she may struggle with the morning rush, mine used to go in 10 mins before everyone else to get settled and miss the crush. Mine have a processing delay, they are both very bright but struggle to keep up in class because they don't have enough time to process the information quickly enough, this leads to panic and anxiety about certain lessons.
You may need an occupational therapist or educational psychologist to see her to unpick what she's struggling with but please don't force her in, we did and now she barely goes at all in her most important years.

Thankyou.I know sadly there are alot of 'old school' parenting types on here who will berate and judge harshly anyone not taking a hard line with their kids or questioning adults in a position of authority, but it's not everyone, so i post in the hope of getting understanding replies like yours.

3 options:
Child goes in w teacher
Parent takes child in
Child is taken home

All this fannying about in the entrance is pointless and just builds greater anxiety.

I think the issue is that you should not have left. It is not the teachers responsibility to physically get her in.
That responsibility is yours. Any physical action should be your contact. The teacher was put in an awkward and unfortunate position, no harm was done this time. It would have been inappropriate regardless of gender mix of teacher and pupil, but the teacher was desperate, as were you, hence your relief that she was inside at last by any means necessary.
I wouldn't let it happen again. If she absolutely won't go in, you take her on the rest of the school run then home.
This is a very hard situation for you, but only you can resolve it.

It quite clearly states in the OP that the teacher asked her to go!