Teacher carrying 9yo into school.

[ChitterChatter1987]

My eldest daughter (Year 5) is becoming really tricky to get into school some days, particularly Mondays.
She has a male teacher for the first time this year, who she seems to get on well with and speaks positively about.She had specifically asked to have him despite often generally being abit more fearful of males than females.He is popular with kids and parents and is fairly young and laid back, quite playful and enthusiastic in his approach.

A couple of times he has come out when we have had issues getting her in recently and has verbally managed to persuade DD to go in by giving an incentive etc which has worked well, but today despite him trying this and offering good solutions to her worries, she just would not go in, and went outside the office reception and sat down refusing to move.
He suggested out of earshot for me to go as maybe me being there was making her more reluctant, which i agree was probably true as maybe then she thinks she might be able to come home.

I walked off up the path and left him negotiating with her outside as he had advised, however then looked back and saw him fireman carrying her into the building.
Now I totally get it's a hard sitiation knowing how to get her in,and appreciate he has a class to teach, so can't stand outside negotiating with her for ages, and there is a possibility she was okay with him lifting her in and it was a fun game (although I would be surprised as she isn't really a tactile child with anyone other than me and sometimes her dad and sister) If someone had done that with my 5yo, unless she was kicking and screaming in upset, I probably wouldn't think much of it tbh, but with her being older on the cusp of puberty, him being male, and also her having ASD and not liking physical touch, it just feels like it might be quite humiliating for her and abit forceful and inappropriate, despite it being meant as a playful gesture to get her to go in.
We always try to teach her body autonomy, that nobody should touch her including hugs etc without her wanting them to, so i just worry that this is going against that, especially with him being an adult male.
She is quite a young 9.5, and fairly small for her age, so not sure he would have done it otherwise, but despite that she is still the age she is.

My plan is I will speak to her later and see if she was okay with it or not, and if not ask for a meeting with school, asking them to not do it again and discussing alternative methods to get her into school.

What are others thoughts on this practice? If anyone else has experienced something similar, or has any ideas of alternative ways to get her into school i would be grateful for your input!

I work in a school. Then behaviour policy states that any physical restraint should be by trained staff, and recorded.
So it entirely depends for me whether this was a situation like "do I have to carry you in" and her finding it funny and agreeing, or just picking her up and taking her regardless.
Still dodgy from a professional stand point, but as a parent if she was happy and it diffused the situation I'd be ok with it. So basically your plan to ask her about it later is sound.

Be very careful how you all your DD, don't plant thoughts in her head.

It could easily have been
Teacher: why aren't you coming in
DD: too tired to walk
Teacher: do you want a lift
DD:yes

Ask what was said after you left, how did he persuade her to go in.

I’m surprised at the responses. I’m a primary school teacher and I think this was very inappropriate. A male teacher having that sort of physical contact with a 9.5yo girl? Wouldn’t happen in any school I’ve ever worked in. It could have been highly distressing and humiliating for her, and an autistic child won’t always express that as a neurotypical child might (and even some NT children would just freeze). Quite aside from how stupid this was for him to make himself vulnerable to accusations, as the parent of the child I would be furious that he had done that to her.

I think you have to consider that his approach worked, and yours didn’t. Is the end goal getting her into school, or pandering to her?

In today's world carrying a child into school is probably not acceptable. But he shouldn't need to do it.

If there is a stalemate outside the school I don't think the class teacher should getting involved at all. Either the OP gets her daughter to go into school or the senior management deals with the situation.

Meantime the class teacher can be educating the kids that want to be there.

Agree. Poor teacher can’t win.

The school will have a policy on this.

it’s more normal that the teacher goes to the classroom and another person deals with it, but that may not be their policy.

(except in reception where it is fairly normal).

You think I haven't tried telling her she needs to go in?! Jeez, not helpful. Ultimately though, there is a reason behind it and just clamping down on her i can tell you, does not work.

Team teacher here.

And if you don't like it, you should 1) tell him, don't turn this into a bigger deal than it needs to be and 2) get your child into school yourself.

AIBunfair · Today 10:47 "You think he’s carrying your kid into class because he thinks it’s fun? Bizarre interpretation."

You are the one with a bizarre interpretation of the OP's comment .

Ultimately OP you are not getting her in. And he is going well beyond what he needs to be doing, and risking accusations just like the ones you are now making, to get her there. I think you carefully want to consider the balance between what the actual risk is to your daughter vs the risk of alienating a committed and supportive teacher by accusing him of inappropriately touching your daughter.

He probably had a class of students waiting for him. And one who refused to budge. So thought I best look after most than spend all my time on one. So literally lifted her up and took her in.

At nine and a half I would be very worried she behaves in this way. When she gets older they will not do that. You will have to come and get her. They will not have time to spend persuading her either.

The inference in your post is that he was inappropriate either sexually or was over robust in picking her up.
If you do actually worry about it, then you should report it. But be careful about accusing someone without good cause.

The normal thing would just to be happy that your child has an amazing teacher.

No need to be pathetic about a fireman's lift.

Although, I imagine if you need to ask the question then you are the very type who will claim their child has been traumatised and abused and ruin an amazing young teachers career.

At this age, I think he’d not have been physically able to lift and carry her if she’d not been happy with it. I’m approaching this point with my 2-year-old, I can’t imagine anyone could carry an older child who resists. I think you’d be mad to report him and get him in trouble or removed for that, it sounds like you have s good teacher who your daughter likes and who is supportive.

I wonder if he has said to her in jest what do I have to do carry you in and she laughed and said yes, I do think he's making himself vulnerable by doing that though.
It's something DH and I do with ds also ND when he doesn't want to go somewhere, he can often be persuaded by a piggyback although he says I'm not safe!! (He is tall and a bit heavy for me)

What would work? What is your ideal solution?

Personally, I think they should tell you to take her home if you can't make her go in; instead of wasting time and resources on an issue that the child's parent can't resolve but is happy to snark about a method that actually did the job.

Over To You should be the school's response-waste your time not the teacher's- and if you go in, casting aspersions, that is exactly what should be said to you.

I'm not sure we're doing people any favours by teaching them that they don't have to do things they don't want to - in reality there's lots of life we would rather not do, but not doing it comes with heaps of other problems, so sometimes there is a need to just get on with it.

Agreed. The action he took worked and if she wasn't screaming her head off at the time then even if she did feel mildly uncomfortable or humiliated, it's a bit of a side issue and I'd be very careful not to make more of it than is really necessary. If you do take it up with the school they should be within their rights to say 'OK then, we'll put a stop to that way of getting her in, over to you to come with a softly-softly approach that works (even though none have to date)'.

Totally agree. ADH or not she should not be allowed to dictate her attendance at the expense of it affecting the other children.

Yes enable her shitty behaviour and accuse a teacher of being dodgy.. 🙄

And having a joke about it and carrying her in did work.

If she was embarrassed about it when arriving at class, perhaps she’ll walk in next time.

Wtaf. How can you even remotely think this is ok.

It doesn't matter if it worked, you people have lost your fucking minds if you think a teacher picking up a 9 yo and carrying them in to class is acceptable behaviour.

Your poor dd.

Maybe the correct thing to do would have been to say "I'm so sorry, I have a class waiting" and leave it as your responsibility to get DD in class (interesting question - whose responsibility is it actually?). Then you'd have been on here writing a thread about how "My neurospecial DD was excluded from class by MALE teacher". Poor bastard can't win.

Don't be ridiculous.

Another who thinks the teacher was very unwise to carry your child in to class, he’s lining himself up for real trouble if someone complains.However it worked, and he probably thought in the moment it was the best response to a situation where the rest of the class were waiting. Ideally SMT should be helping out in collaboration with the parent. Sounds like you and/or teacher needs to raise this. Quite often ‘special treatment’ such as a job to do, a soft start to the day etc. can help as a distraction and children rather like the attention.

To be careful, as defamation of character is something you can be sued for. You are anonymous on here; sort of. But not really ever entirely.