AIBU to expect my adult son to move out so I can finally live the life I've always dreamed of?

[YourUmberOP]

AIBU to expect my adult son to move out so I can finally live the life I've always dreamed of?

I'm after some honest opinions because I'm increasingly frustrated with the situation and wondering whether I'm being unreasonable.

A bit of background. I've worked continuously since I was 16. I've never had a gap year, never had that period of freedom to just go and explore the world and do the things I've always wanted to do. I've always put everyone else first, or something life threw at us has taken priority.

Living by the coast, having a boat and being able to sail and explore Europe has been my dream since I was six years old. This isn't some recent midlife crisis or a whim I've suddenly developed. My late husband and I always planned to do this together. It was something we'd always talked about and intended to make happen.

My husband died four years ago. That's really the only thing that's changed about the dream. I still want the same life, even though my world has fundamentally changed.

My son is 20, nearly 21, lives at home and works full-time. He earns around £2,000 a month after tax. I've explained that I want to relocate and that he needs to start making plans to get his own place. This isn't news to him; we've been discussing it for months.

His only regular fixed outgoings are car insurance (£160) and a phone contract (£40), plus the usual costs of maintaining and running his car. I charge him £300 a month board, which I've actually been putting into a savings account for him. He doesn't know about this, as I want him to have a little nest egg when he eventually moves out.

Even allowing for fuel, food (which I buy all his meals to take to work anyway) and personal spending, he has considerable scope to save. He has £1,500 each month after his fixed bills and board. We're now four months down the line and he's saved virtually nothing.

i personally earn about the same as him so I know how to make money stretch.

There seems to be no urgency, no real plans and no apparent recognition that he needs to start taking responsibility for his own future. I appreciate that I shouldn't be the one saving for him, but equally I'm trying to make sure he has a decent start when he does leave home.

I understand that renting is expensive and that moving out for the first time can be daunting. I'm not expecting him to buy a house or live in luxury. A room in a shared house would be a perfectly reasonable starting point.

I, on the other hand, have very little tying me to where I currently live. I moved here 12 years ago for my husband's work. I have no real friends here, I hate my job and there are very limited alternative employment opportunities locally.

Most of our friends were through my husband's work and, since he passed away, we rarely speak or meet socially. I feel like I'm in a bit of a hole here.

My son is settled. He has lots of friends locally through school and work and understandably doesn't want to relocate with me. I understand that, and I'm not expecting him to give up his social life and move somewhere he doesn't want to live. But I don't think his preference to stay here should automatically mean I have to stay here too.

There's another reason I feel quite strongly about doing this sooner rather than later. My parents are getting older. Realistically, I know there may come a point in the next 5–10 years when I'll have caring responsibilities for them. I want to make the most of the time I have now, while I'm still young enough, fit enough and able to sail, travel and explore.
If I put everything off for another five or ten years, I could easily find myself having spent my entire adult life looking after everybody else, only to reach a point where I'm too old or have too many responsibilities to do the things I've dreamed about since childhood.

It sometimes feels as though I've spent my entire adult life fulfilling responsibilities and putting other people's needs first. I don't want to reach retirement age having never actually lived the life I've spent decades dreaming about.
I don't want to spend my life waiting for the next family responsibility to finish before I'm allowed to start living.

I love my son and I'm not looking to abandon him. But he's an adult, he's earning a decent wage and I think it's reasonable to expect him to start building an independent life.

I've worked since I was 16, raised my child, dealt with losing my husband and kept everything going. I see this next chapter as my opportunity to have the gap year or two I've never had.

So AIBU to say that I'm moving ahead with my plans and that he needs to make alternative living arrangements, rather than continuing to put my life on hold because he hasn't bothered to save?
At what point do you stop organising your life around your adult children and start living it for yourself?
And more importantly, how do I actually get this message across to him? Do I set a firm deadline and stick to it, regardless of whether he's saved enough? What do I do if that deadline arrives and he still hasn't made any effort?

I genuinely don't know whether I'm being unreasonable, whether I'm expecting too much or whether I just need to accept that it's time to put myself first.

I suppose that's why I'm asking the internet!

You're making a big meal out of nothing. Your son is 21, has friends, a full-time job, and you're going to hand him a big pile of cash when you leave. He will be absolutely fine even if he does nothing until the day you depart.

Stop babying him and go live your dreams.

This sounds like a much better plan.
A way to adventure without throwing security in the bin

Why are people freaking out about his age? He is almost 21 not 16. If this was a student in his final year of uni then no one would bat an eyelid at him getting a job and living somewhere other than home.

He is walking home with £2k per month, net. He should have started saving the second he was earning money. All the hand wringing about property being so expensive is so well known, a conversation should have been had when he started work about saving money for moving out.

My eldest is 23 and has been working for 2 years post uni and putting a huge amount of money into savings every month because a mortgage on his salary is what limits what he can buy. A massive deposit gives him more choice.

Have a look on SpareRoom.com to see what a room in a house share local to you will cost and renting a whole house by comparison. I would have a conversation about it and give him a deadline to be out by. Living with parents after 18 is a privilege not a right. You can support him moving out and then sell your house or rent it out after that.

Life is incredibly short as you have sadly found out. You only get one life, live it for you. I can imagine you had all these plans with your husband which now have to be you doing these things by yourself. My Mum and my MIL both died aged 62 and both within the first year of retiring. They were absolutely angry at their terminal cancer diagnoses luckily for us 4 years apart.

This

I think that's a very good point. I had to make my own way at 21 with no safety net - I managed, but I made some foolish mistakes and had no-one to advise me. I think parenting is for life; not necessarily cooking, cleaning and whatever, but being a source of love and comfort and a port in a storm.

There is so much infantilising of young adults on Mumsnet. I left at 18 to go to uni and moved straight to London afterwards In to a flat share.

I understand it’s more expensive but he does have enough money to rent somewhere. 20 is not young. He’d probably enjoy sharing with some friends?

You have had a rough time and have this window - do it. Move to where you want. Do your travelling. Just buy a two bedroom place so he has back up where needed. I’d also give him some notice - say 6 months.

I think you have an extra 0 on that figure

Sorry, there are quite a few comments now, so I'll try to address some of the questions and clarify a few things because I think some people have misunderstood the situation, or perhaps my long post was a bit of a TLDR and unfortunately there’s more text here :/

My husband had cancer before we married. There were years of treatment, uncertainty and not knowing what the future held. He eventually got the all-clear, we got married and had our son, and then unfortunately the cancer returned as it often does

So to the people suggesting I had plenty of opportunity to travel and fulfil dreams before having children, it really wasn't that straightforward, life never is. We spent years dealing with cancer and the uncertainty surrounding it. I'm not suggesting I regret getting married or having children, quite the opposite. But neither of us got the opportunity to do the things we'd always planned and suggesting if you have kids that’s it for the rest of your life is a bit wild…

My husband died four years ago. My son was 16 at the time, and I'm absolutely not dismissing how difficult that was for him. It was devastating for all of us. But I don't think losing his dad means I have to put the rest of my life on hold indefinitely. I can continue to be his mum, support him and have a relationship with him without us having to live under the same roof forever.

I think some people have assumed I'm planning to throw him out now, which absolutely isn't the case.
I'm not planning to go anywhere until approximately dec 2028. My house isn't even on the market yet, although it will be in due course. My son will be 23 by then.

The four months I've mentioned is how long we've been discussing this with a bit seriousness about it, and how long he's had to start making some effort to save. It's not his notice period!
I think there's a fairly significant difference between telling a 20-year-old to leave immediately and this.

A few people have questioned whether I can actually sail, whether I understand boat maintenance, navigation etc.
Yes, I can sail. We have a boat and have sailed as a family since my son was two. Sailing isn't some new hobby I've suddenly discovered, and sailing solo isn't new to me either. This is something that's been part of our lives for years. This is more a AIBU to pursue this

I'm not expecting him to save thousands overnight, but I would expect to see some effort and evidence that he's thinking about his future. Four months later, there's very little to show for it.
I appreciate that the cost of living is different now and that moving out at 23 (when I want to move myself) isn't necessarily easy. I'm not oblivious to that. But he has time to prepare, an income and a mother who is actively trying to make sure he has some financial help when he eventually moves. (Hence why I’m saving over £3k a year for him)

I'm not trying to escape my responsibilities or suggesting that having children means you should stop having dreams of your own.
I love my son. I don't resent raising him, and I don't regret the life I've had. But I also don't believe being a parent means you have to indefinitely sacrifice every ambition of your own once your children reach adulthood.
My husband and I had plans. He didn't get to fulfil them, and I can't change that. But I don't want to spend the next decade putting my own life on hold either.
My parents are getting older, and I can see a period of potential caring responsibilities approaching. I want to make the most of the time I have while I'm healthy, relatively young and financially able to do so, take a few years out and go back to work later. Look after my parents etc.

Some people have suggested renting the house to my son, moving him with me or waiting until he's older. I understand those suggestions, but ultimately he has his own life and I have mine. He wants to stay where he is, and I want to go somewhere else. Neither of us is wrong for that but keeping the house isn’t financially possible to achieve this.

I'm not expecting him to share my dream. I just don't think I should have to abandon it because he isn't ready to make plans for his own independence.
I'm genuinely interested in people's opinions, and I appreciate the supportive comments as well as the ones challenging me. But I do think the distinction between abandoning a child and allowing an adult child to establish their own life is getting lost in some of the responses.

There seems to be no urgency, no real plans and no apparent recognition that he needs to start taking responsibility for his own future.

Theres no urgency because you’re leaving it up to him.

“son, I’ll have relocated by 1st April next year. House is going on the market first week of Jan. so you’d best work out where you’re going to be living because it won’t be here.”

Should have led with it being a 2 year plan OP. What a drip feed. You'd have got very different responses...

I think some people have assumed I'm planning to throw him out now, which absolutely isn't the case.
I'm not planning to go anywhere until approximately dec 2028. My house isn't even on the market yet, although it will be in due course. My son will be 23 by then.

2028 will feel like forever away for a person in their early 20s. What does he need to be doing now if he has over a year to sort it out?

Thank you for the update. I think you can understand why some people responded with surprise at your choices, but it's clearer now.
I'd stop with the savings deceit; I don't know why people do this. Either keep his financial contribution for yourself or give it back to him now. If it's because you think he can't save and manage money well, then there is a problem.
Good luck with your dream, you are set on it. You are set on what he has to do as well. I hope it works out well for both of you.

I’m going to go against the grain here and say that YABU.
20 is still so so young and the fact that you’re desperate to be rid of him his odd to me as a mother.

I do understand that wanting your freedom and take take your life by the reins but pushing him out could negatively affect your relationship with him and you may grow to regret this down the line.

I moved out at 17 and looking back, I was still a child. 20 is not much older.

You're babying him by charging so little and sorting his food etc, why should he save.

Charge him more, but save it on his behalf. Stop enabling this.

How old are your dc? Have you been through the teen and young adult stage yet?

I think your post is quite insulting frankly to many women who have worked hard balancing hands-on parenting with a demanding career for over two decades and who have battled to centre their lives around those of their dc and put them first in everything; personally I gave up a great job opportunity so my DDs could relocate to a better school and despite some health issues, I returned to working more hours recently to help my DDs through university.

It’s not only healthy for mothers to have time after their dc have become adults to pursue their own interests and return to the things they had to give up while they were parenting, it’s also good for teenage and adult dc to see their parents modelling how to fulfil your own needs and live a happy, balanced life.

I would like the opportunity to do something similar to what op is planning and I love the very bones of my adult children and I am sure op does too or she wouldn’t have posted this thread and asked for feedback.

You say keeping the house isn't financially possible to achieve your dreams - what do you propose to do when you get old /ill?

I am all for adventuring, but it's a good idea to keep the safety net of a home to go back to surely?

I think I'd tell him that you're doing this by (date) and ask him if he wants to come with you.
Highly likely he'll refuse, but its a bit softer than telling him you're 'leaving him'.

Surely people would have realised that selling and moving isn’t going to happen overnight? It tends to take at least a year to sell and move - assuming that the house is ready to even be on the market.
@YourUmberOP I still think you should go for it. Enjoy and embrace the planning and looking for all the things you need to make it happen - property, boat, location, etc etc.
You are showing your son that life does carry on and it’s ok to grieve, but at the same time not to wallow, but rather to pick yourself up and try at life again and find those glimmers of joy once more.
You are clearly not going to abandon your son, and will still be supporting him as and when he needs.
one life, yours, go live it.

Why does healthy pursuit of interests need to include moving away from young adult children? And we wonder why we have loneliness and mental health crises...

So get some estate agents in, put the house on the market.

The moaning and victim mentality is a bit much. You chose all this, no one made you have a family so resenting your very young son for how your life panned out is not ok and a path towards resentment.

Op had said in both her initial post and the subsequent update that her son does not want to accompany her because he is settled where he is with friends and a job.

I agree.

I'm from a country where the average age for children to leave the family home is around 27, so this Western "put yourself first, you only live once" mentality is quite strange to me, especially when you have children.
I'm not saying you can't live your life, but dreams can change. My own dreams have completely changed since having a family, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. Our priorities evolve as our lives change, and I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing.

Personally, I would either wait until he was older and more settled, or still go ahead with the trip but keep my house. He could continue living there and looking after it while you're away.

Selling your home and spending the money sailing around Europe just seems quite irresponsible to me.

Ho

How many houses sell in less than 6 months, where did I say it was on the market? I did start with this…

What's actually stopping you and what were you expecting him to do in this four months?

Do you know how long it takes to find a room in a shared house and how much deposit you need? Not long and not much.

And do you know how long it takes to sell a house? A long time.

I would guess he will start "saving" for a room deposit once you are pretty much ready to complete on the house sale. Until then what are you really expecting? Sounds more like blaming him for your inaction.