My DH attitude towards weekends and guests/ activities

[weekendfail]

He has a stressful job but he essentially just wants to ‘ chill ‘ every weekend. We have 2 kids, 4 and 6.

he needs physical downtime. So he has a lie in on both days. Then he pretty much just hangs around, watching tv. He comes downstairs to moan and complain that he’s hungry and I haven’t cooked.

anyway that’s the general ‘ vibe ‘ of weekends. I often take the kids out for half of the day or so ( without him, as he never wants to come ). When he does come, he complains that he wants to go back home and what an effort it all is.

anyway, let’s not even get into how messy he is. He doesn’t tidy anything up really and he’s incapable of putting dirty laundry in the basket. The bedroom is a constant mess and his clothes are everywhere.

whenever I do pipe up, we end up arguing. I need to leave him alone etc etc. so I kind of just leave it now. Today I was sorting my own clothes and I started folding and trying to understand which of his needed washing. He said to leave him alone and why do I always have to do this at weekends ? I should do it all during the week while the kids are at school and he’s at work. Now going on to my work.

I used to work in a corporate role, but now I’m working for myself to give me more flexibility. I tend to work from a shared office space, and I’m not making lots of money yet. I’m slowly building my own thing. But I’m essentially out of the house every day working. I don’t come back until I’ve picked up my kids. That’s why I do washing and sorting at weekends. I used to do a lot of it during the week but I found it hard to work at the same time. I really struggle motivating myself and focusing and I would always just clean and sort the house out and not be on my lap top.

I now have this co working thing and it’s really helping and I’m starting to make small strides. Seeing as I’m not making lots of money yet, my DH doesn’t think it’s worth spending as much time and I should spend my time during the week at home doing his messy laundry.

this weekend has been particularly bad. He has just been mean to me all weekends it seems. He doesn’t like people coming over and I did say that my kids wanted a play date so we had some friends over and I offered to make dinner for them. My DH was really annoyed that it was so last minute for him etc and he was just in a bad mood all day. Shouting and complaining about it all. He thought it was outrageous to decide the night before to have people round for food the next evening. Apparently that’s extremely short notice ?

I did mention we were going to see our friends on Saturday but hadn’t given details. I texted him earlier in the week saying the kids kept asking for this meet up and is it ok with him etc. then the night before, I decided I was going to cook for everyone and that made him angry.

what do I do ? I’m fed up.

No, it's really not. Don't you want to have a happy life without this dickhead criticising you at every turn?

The thing is, no matter what his job is, it doesn't excuse his disgusting behaviour.

Can he not pop to the shop or tidy up? Or parent his kids? He sounds like a complete knob! Definitely not normal.
If laundry is not in the basket it doesn't get done, and maybe not even then, he can put a wash on surely. Why on earth would you have sex with him, he'd probably complain about that. Just down tools and stop pandering to him.

You sound like you have two children and a petulant teenager. He doesn’t want to change LTB - he sounds vile.

He sounds like a moody teenager!

My husband is currently cooking for us, we spent today out for a walk and he's just brought me tea because I'm on my period and in a lot of pain.

My ex would have left the house and gone to his mother's if I wasn't cooking, told me I was boring for wanting to walk and effed and jeffed because my period meant no sex and "it's always your fucking period". Sound familiar?

But there's also being single and after dickhead ex it was a massive relief to just be happy and want things without someone kicking in the teeth over it every single day....

Well, I can tell you my DH and I are a pair of old boomers and I have never had to pick up a sock of his. Even during the years of me being a SAHP he came home, played with the kids, did the washing up, bathed the kids, I could go on. This is a man whose DM was polishing his shoes until the day he left home to marry me. I think the main reason he's like this is because he's a good person, who loves and respects his wife and children. I'm afraid your H is not this.
It's up to you what you do or not do but I couldn't live like you. I'm sorry OP.

You are both working. Make a list of his half of the chores and your HALF. Do not do ANYTHING from his list. Let the consequences happen. List each person's laundry individually and make sure your's and the kids' laundry are on your half. If he's supposed to have bought groceries or made dinner on a particular day, and its not done, he'll have to pay for fish and chips. If ironing is on his list, and he hasn't done it, let him see what his child looks like going to school in an unironed uniform. If he's supposed to do the dishes and there are no clean ones use disposable plates, or again "I haven't cooked as there were no clean pans" etc etc. Make him grow the fuck up and if he doesn't like that, he's free to bugger off back to his mother. Tha would give her another go at raising him right.

No this is not what marriage is like. He sounds vile, the house is just as much his as yours- if he thinks it's such a shithole then that's on him as much as it is you (although I'm sure it's not, just a normal family home). You shouldn't have to put up with this, he is belittling you and doesn't see your worth- and the fact he doesn't want to spend quality time with the children at weekends when he is home once they go to bed in the week is awful. You should definitely make plans to leave, you will all be much happier in the long run once you are free from him dragging you down!

My ex didn't do anything, but at least he didn't criticise me whilst doing bugger all..

I also gave up my decent job so he could do his job and I went freelance and ran myself ragged around the kids keeping my arm in - but boy was it worth it because when it came time to end it, I could do that and not worry about how I was going to survive (although I did nearly burn out - divorce/kids/perimenopause all at the same time isn't ideal)

OP. Just stop. Stop doing his stuff, or only do what's convenient. I had a big box of things he was too important to tidy up, and anything in the way of the house that he hadn't moved (in a reasonable amount of time - eg. bank statements on the coffee table for 2 weeks) got put in the box. Eventually he ran out of socks/needed some bit of paperwork and had to look in the box (whilst muttering/yelling at how unreasonable I was being for not tidying up after him)

TBH though, it was the beginning of the end. It just gave me time to get all my ducks in a row, to use the resource I would have been using running after him, on the kids and myself instead.

So familiar ! Especially the bit about the period inconveniencing him !

No, this isn't married life for everyone & it's upsetting to read how normalised his behaviour has become for you. You get my first LTB! This won't improve, you won't be able to make him understand, he knows what he's doing, grinding you down a little bit more everyday. My husband commutes 1.5 hrs each way, gets home, then takes the youngest to dance 3 nights a week, then puts her to bed every night. He washes up after dinner every night, hangs out washing every morning (or takes it down), cleans the kitchen every Saturday morning, hoover's, etc. He never complains about dinner options, the state of the house, etc, or expects me to do everything & I'm at home during the day caring for our disabled child.

Marriage is for enhancing life, he should be making everything easier and fun.
That's the entire point, otherwise why not enjoy the bliss and peace of being single? He vowed to cherish you.

He failed and is treating you and your kids with utter hatred. Believe him.

The divorce can be started online, you can choose happiness.
Teach your kids that men are not lords, that women are not servants and domestic appliances.

If he has a senior responsible job managing people, surely he knows that negative criticism doesn't improve performance?

From what you have said, it doesn't seem like he is open to a proper conversation about roles and family life?

On your job front, my only comment is that if you are out of the house for 30 hours a week and have done this for more than 6 months and still not making an income then you will need to consider a job with steady income. Unfortunately it sounds as if you may need to build your own income.

No. Unless you are a SAHM (or PT) then all chores and childcare should be 50/50

@weekendfail
Tell him to pull his slack arse in and stop being such a unreasonable waste of space
He works then rests that's what the lie-ins are for
But the whole weekend doesn't revolve around him and his sloppy abrasiveness
I don't think this scenario ever going to be as you'd like so
Maybe, just maybe have an eye to it just being the children and you sometime in the future?

I’m trying to imagine what job stops someone from being a functional adult and parent on the weekends!

To give you an example of my friend who’s DW is a SAHM.
He’s a teacher.
He gets home, they all eat dinner and then he takes over the parenting because she’s been with the kids all day.
She’ll usually go upstairs or to the gym.
He does the bath and bedtimes (she does the mornings).
One day every weekend he takes them out so she can have a proper lie in and relaxing start to her morning.

He cannot understand why other men don’t do this as in his words he’s envious of the time she gets to spend with them and he wants to spend as much time with them as he can.
He doesn’t do much cooking and cleaning, so the least he can do is let her have downtime.

With both of you working then all parenting, cooking and chores etc should be 50/50.

Today my husband cooked a roast, put a wash on, put away clean clothes, organised the freezer, made lunch, made soup and is now playing with our son.

Well my DH (age 60) has always done plenty of housework, puts on washing, cooks, hangs his stuff up as much as I do (both of us would rather be outside than indoors but the house is basically OK), its a joint effort and always has been.

And he NEVER criticised/s either my parenting or my housekeeping. I probably moan at his sometimes as he does have a bit of a habit of nearly finishing a diy job then leaving the tools out - but he then puts them away when I point it out because he he wants to be a responsible adult, and he doesn't want to be a shit husband. If he thinks there is a better way of doing a job (that he has done numerous times himself so he knows), he'll suggest it politely. Because he loves me, and knows I love him. We want each other to feel happy and loved, and we succeed.

What do you actually like/find attractive about him?

If you were dating would you bother carrying on?

Your answers to those two questions says it all really.

Was this you? https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5539700-annoyed-with-husbands-attitude-over-laundry-and-weekends-etc?reply=152784705

We’re all just going to say the exact same things as last time. And you’re going to go ‘So, not all husbands are like this?’ And the cycle continues. Unless you actually do something about it.

Why are you remaining married to a man who treats you like staff rather than an equal?

Since you asked about other husbands and what they are contributing, this weekend my husband has come with me and the kids to the library. We all went to a firework display. He cooked a spag bol. He’s washed, dried, folded and put away three loads of laundry. Hoovered downstairs. He’s done the dishwasher on both days. He’s made tomorrow’s packed lunches and done the school daily reading with our two school aged children. And for reference - I’m currently not working, he’s working 50 hours a week

Last night was my night in our bedroom (am cosleeping with our 4 year old most nights, but planning to stop soon). So I slept in there on my own with ear plugs in and an eye mask and my husband went in with the child, who didn’t wake.

Husband and child up at 6:30 and I had a lie in. Husband brought me a coffee at 9. We all hung out together and then my husband took the child swimming. They came back about 1 and we ate together.

That’s just one morning but we tend to divide and conquer and combine that with family time. I do most of the laundry but my husband does the food shop. We split the baths and bedtimes and cooking and washing up. I do more of the pickups but he’s doing a lot of drop offs.

I have been to Glastonbury twice and had two holidays (5 days) abroad without husband and child. I have regular evenings out.

When the child was born he took five months off and we combi fed, splitting the nights.

He is not perfect but who is? I feel very lucky to have him.

" So I spent all my money on childcare. Whilst he saved his."
What the actual fuck!!!??? Are these not his children too? Why is childcare only payable by you, not him? Ditto the cleaner - his house too, his mess too.

How much did you spend that he didn't? Sit down and work it out because that's how much your arse of a husband owes you, in cash!

As to the rest of it - he sounds like a lost cause. You're already sleeping in the spare room, move all your stuff in there and he can keep your ex-bedroom in whatever level of mess he wants to. Stop wasting your time trying to work out what of his clothes needs washed - you wash those in the basket, no more. He criticises your cooking, you stop cooking for him. I'd be suggesting to him that maybe he'd prefer to move back to his mother, where he'll have full skivvy service on tap.

Seriously - he is abusing you financially and emotionally, wearing you down. Whilst you still have the energy, tell him to go - before he has you completely hollowed out.

My husband had some of the traits your dh is showing. He wanted to lock the front door on a Friday at 5pm and not open the door til 8am Monday. As our kids got older he realised he couldn't do that and did help out with activities and parties etc but he has always been quite anti social and tired from his corporate job. I worked PT. That was 20 years ago. I decided I wanted to leave 5 years ago. My mum died and it was like a wake up call, I really didn't want to spend any more time walking on eggshells. I wasn't going to put up with his anti social shit, lack of interest in household chores and general selfishness any more. I told him it was over and he changed overnight. He hadn't quite realised how badly his behaviour had affected me and was super apologetic. He was also a bit shocked that I gave examples of his unreasonable behaviour from 20 years ago! Anyway, I didn't leave, 4 more close family members died in the next 18 months whilst at the same time he was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer (I was 52 and it's been an awful time). He's still here and doing OK and I'm still with him. I do really wish I'd left 5 years ago (actually, I wish I'd left when the children were younger). I can't leave now, my kids would never forgive me, they are super close with their dad (he's very witty and charming). He has changed and for the better and our sex life is OK but I'm still so resentful of how he treated me when the kids were younger etc and how he sometimes behaves now. Your post has really made me sad tonight that I'm stuck. Don't be me. Either work super hard with your business or go back to a corporate role with a guaranteed monthly income. Even if he does change you might find it difficult to forgive his behaviour. And my husband was miserable if he didn't have sex. It's a real turn off. As soon as I read your op I knew it was because he'd not got his leg over!