My DH attitude towards weekends and guests/ activities

[weekendfail]

He has a stressful job but he essentially just wants to ‘ chill ‘ every weekend. We have 2 kids, 4 and 6.

he needs physical downtime. So he has a lie in on both days. Then he pretty much just hangs around, watching tv. He comes downstairs to moan and complain that he’s hungry and I haven’t cooked.

anyway that’s the general ‘ vibe ‘ of weekends. I often take the kids out for half of the day or so ( without him, as he never wants to come ). When he does come, he complains that he wants to go back home and what an effort it all is.

anyway, let’s not even get into how messy he is. He doesn’t tidy anything up really and he’s incapable of putting dirty laundry in the basket. The bedroom is a constant mess and his clothes are everywhere.

whenever I do pipe up, we end up arguing. I need to leave him alone etc etc. so I kind of just leave it now. Today I was sorting my own clothes and I started folding and trying to understand which of his needed washing. He said to leave him alone and why do I always have to do this at weekends ? I should do it all during the week while the kids are at school and he’s at work. Now going on to my work.

I used to work in a corporate role, but now I’m working for myself to give me more flexibility. I tend to work from a shared office space, and I’m not making lots of money yet. I’m slowly building my own thing. But I’m essentially out of the house every day working. I don’t come back until I’ve picked up my kids. That’s why I do washing and sorting at weekends. I used to do a lot of it during the week but I found it hard to work at the same time. I really struggle motivating myself and focusing and I would always just clean and sort the house out and not be on my lap top.

I now have this co working thing and it’s really helping and I’m starting to make small strides. Seeing as I’m not making lots of money yet, my DH doesn’t think it’s worth spending as much time and I should spend my time during the week at home doing his messy laundry.

this weekend has been particularly bad. He has just been mean to me all weekends it seems. He doesn’t like people coming over and I did say that my kids wanted a play date so we had some friends over and I offered to make dinner for them. My DH was really annoyed that it was so last minute for him etc and he was just in a bad mood all day. Shouting and complaining about it all. He thought it was outrageous to decide the night before to have people round for food the next evening. Apparently that’s extremely short notice ?

I did mention we were going to see our friends on Saturday but hadn’t given details. I texted him earlier in the week saying the kids kept asking for this meet up and is it ok with him etc. then the night before, I decided I was going to cook for everyone and that made him angry.

what do I do ? I’m fed up.

My husband and I both worked full time since our babies were eight months. My job was as a hospital consultant, so v tiring and stressful. We both spent weekends doing chores, play dates and stuff with the kids. It was tiring but we were a team. Your husband is being a sexist lazy pig. I would not pick up any of his dirty washing. Not in a million years.

Mine pulls his weight, and is respectful and kind to me. He is a one man laundry machine, who knows to separate darks, lights, whites. He shares the care of our children equally and makes a point of spending quality time, colouring in, making up stories, generally playing. And yes, he works full time in a fairly physical job.

I'll stop there, but you asked for context. You deserve better.

OP I've been married 37 years - my DH always worked long hours during the week, often working away. When he was home at weekends, he wanted to spend time with his family! We took it in turns to have a bit of a lie in, so I'd have Saturday and he'd have Sunday or vice versa. He would make the kids breakfast, hoover round or stick some washing on, bring me a cuppa. We would have a family walk or visit family, take the kids to their football matches. He never complained that the house was a mess, if he saw a mess he tidied up! He never complained about my cooking and was grateful when I cooked. He'd always say thank you that was lovely and the kids followed his lead and said thanks mum.

This is normal family life. It's not normal for your partner to constantly criticise you and laze around all weekend. He sounds like a selfish prick to be honest.

So he's saying the kids are wild because if how you parent them eh? Well it sounds like he never spends time with them so if it was just him parenting them they'd be very uncared for indeed wouldn't they!

Stressful job is an excuse, he chose to have two children and only selfish men seem to be able to shelve their family when they "need" downtime. If you weren't there literally caring for and feeding them he's HAVE to do it wouldn't he. Or be directly neglectful instead of indirectly as he is now. Boggles my brain these so called clever hard working men can't reach that conclusion and instead bite the hand that feeds them...literally!

As to pestering you for sex when he treats you like shit all week, he doesnt care that you don't feel affection or want to be intimate with him he just wants his end away and that is frankly gross. He is gross.

My husband is 50/50 and we have such a great relationship, a bit of sniping here and there about stupid stuff round the house but we have a 3 year old and he's always done half the night shifts for our wakeful child, spends hours playing with him on the weekend, weekends are family time in our home, and yeah jts exhausting but it feeds our soul to be together, it isn't something to be avoided!

Just stop doing things for him, no big argument.

Say that he keeps pointing out that the kids are wild and so you've decided to put all your resources into the most important job on your to do list... being a parent, because he isn't stepping up to the task.

Focus on what matters, your kids and your career /business. If he complains that he's bringing home the money then offer to get a weekend job while he looks after kids and chores 2 days a week.

Ok OP, you dont have to LTB, but you do have to stand up for yourself. Big time. You dont have to cook food for him and you dont have to do his laundry. Let him do it by himself. Hes a big boy. Bit more self care needed your way. Just ignore his whiny behaviour. Your serious question to yourself, that we cant answer, is what you have to lose by letting him get on with it.

My DH spends all weekend with us, we do things together like days out or we crack on with jobs with entertaining the kids. He cooks half the evenings, we both do bedtime, he picks the kids up and takes them to their activities. He supports me, is kind to me, loves me.

Your DH sounds awful OP. If I were you I’d just leave, you’re a single parent anyway.

Out of the two of us I think my husband has the more stressful job, albeit I hold a much more "senior" job.

We've never really sat down and divided up the chores, I do 90% of the cooking, he does 90% of the washing, he hoovers and mops, I clean the bathroom etc.

We are partnership, and everything we do is to benefit us as a family.

If DH was anything like your DH OP, I'd be planning my exit, because life is to short to be in a relationship that is so unfulfilling.

He is showing you and telling you who he is. It's up to you if you see or hear it.

Oh I forgot. When we run out of literally any item, he has a go at me about it. Why isn’t there more bread ? You never get enough bread. Eh, we ate it all and now it’s gone. ‘ I bet we don’t have any eggs, we never have any food. You never shop properly. We never have all the staples. ‘ don’t even get me started, any time he is in the kitchen, he can never find anything and then says it’s all me, where do I put stuff ? Everything is disorganised. Our kitchen is rubbish. It’s not a proper kitchen apparently.

I’m married to a paramedic. I have a 4 year old and a 13 month old. I work full time is a senior corporate role. I do 37hr over 4 days, 3 at home 1 in office. On paper he does 3 or 4 12hr shifts a week in theory it’s more like 14-16hrs by the time he finishes his last job he also works a variation of day and night shifts and has to change his sleep pattern at least once a month if not multiple times a month.
on his days off he does every nursery drop off and pick up and every club drop off and pick up for our oldest. He does every bedtime on his day off. If he’s about to do a run of nightshifts he’ll stay up late the night before to get into the routine and will use that time to catch up all the washing/ironing/meal prep so I have as little to do as possible. He usually has a week day off when the kids are at nursery and he will do all our deep cleaning on those days. Every weekend day he has off we are out as a family at the farm, zoo, soft play etc or we take one kid each for a few hours for 1-2-1 time. I’ve literally seen him bone tired after nightshift where he had a horrific tragic job crawling about the floor and neighing with our oldest on his back because he said he wished he could ride a horse.

What an absolute disgrace of a man he is OP! You know you deserve so much better than this.

It’s not a proper life, for you or the kids though ? What do you like about him?

My husband does all the cooking. He does the whites in the laundry and I do the darks. He has always shared every aspect of childcare from nappies to feeding to school runs. We both work so we both share stuff at home. He does the garden too. Our kids have seen us both work and both do domestic chores. Your husband is a lazy shit. I am sorry.

so it is just definitely not what being married is like for everyone. Thanks for those who gave examples.

This is true. It’s unlikely he will change. These patterns have been set now and it’s all working in his favour.

OP you asked what other people are experiencing in their relationships and my heart is breaking for you. My marriage where everything is shared, work, childcare, money…we still find each other sexy, we laugh or get annoyed with each other but underneath it all he’s my rock…today we went to the local remembrance service together, had an all day brekkie in Wetherspoons. We love each other’s company. Kids grown up now, life not easy as we’ve been through some family bereavements and tragedies over the years … but we are there for each other.

You’re nasty H is not a proper partner and he’s not a proper dad. I could almost be sorry for just how limited he is as a person- if it weren't for his cruelty to you. Cruel, financially abusive, demanding sex, constantly complaining…he sees you as a “wife appliance” not as a person.
Was he always so selfish? Think back, how have things changed? Because if this is the real him then he won’t alter. The only thing you can control is you.
Get help and reach out in real life- women’s aid, legal advice.
Everyone is rooting for you here OP.

Well you can tell him that since the laundry isnt to his standards, he can wash his own fucking clothes for a start.

You have one precious life, do not waste it on this miserable, nasty fucker. Imagine growing old with him, when he will become even worse, much worse.

If you won’t leave for your own sake, do it for your kids’.

No, none. Unless rude, controlling arsehole suddenly becomes a full-time paid role.

My DH is the tidy one in our relationship but I most definitely don't sling shoes in a pile if the shoe rack is a mess. I either tidy it or put my shoes neatly next to it.

I do laundry in big stints. That can mean there's loads drying everywhere then big piles for everyone to put away. He doesn't have a go at me. He thanks me for doing so much washing.

Would your life actually be easier without your DH? Is he not just an aggressive big kid to parent?

Absolutely not! I am so sorry you're having to deal with this.
My DH works a very manual job on top of being on call alternating weeks (he often gets called out in the middle of the night) and he still works hard around the house as it's OUR home that we look after together and we spend the weekend together as a family, go for days out, go for walks, have friends over and entertain. We take it in turns to cook and share garden jobs etc.

What you are experiencing isn't normal at all and sounds miserable. I'd LTB before I'd let anyone speak to me like that, he's so utterly vile to you!

I genuinely think you'd be happier if you broke up.

I wouldn't be doing anything for him any longer: he can cook for himself and do his own washing. I'd be preparing to divorce if he isn't willing to seek therapy or try to change. You deserve so much more and so do your children!

In an abusive, miserable marriage sure.

Why stay OP? Is this really what you want for your one life? I’m

You know perfectly well it’s not. You have eyes and ears and have seen other couples.

Why are you tolerating this shit? What for? You still haven’t told us.

OP honestly there is so much more to life that this. You’re being dragged down by this lazy, abusive excuse for a human. You and your children deserve so much better. Please think about what (if anything) he adds to your life, then think about how much he takes.

What is this amazing, stressful, demanding job he does that means he behaves like such a shit?