Parents faking poverty and not buying dc gifts

[FakeFinances]

for some reason approx 6 years ago my parents decided to stop all gifts for birthday Easter and Christmas. They said they just didn’t have the money to do them for the GC. Fine.

Excpet it’s 1. Not true that they can’t afford it and 2. They still buy gifts etc for both my sisters dc???

Everytime I go to see them they openly show me expensive new things, tell me about the cruises and holidays booked and talk finances (positively) then in the same visit they’ll say they have no money so sorry there’s no cake to have with coffee and reiterate that’s why they don’t do gifts anymore???

I have found out that they have still given gifts to all their other GC (I have 2 sisters) and I’m shocked ? When I asked them about it all they said they would not be speaking to me anymore as I was ‘money grabbing’ ? They haven’t spoken to me for 3 months now.

We hadn’t fallen out prior to this I genuinely believed when they first started this that they had just decided no more gifts ? I have 2 dc, my sisters have 6 between them.

Also - model to your dc generosity and kindness. They will get it and realise. Mine did x

I agree. This suggestion is designed to just gently not allow OP's parents to pass on cut off culture to OP's kids.

It's so sad to read this, your parents have a real problem, they really do. Even if they felt 'wronged' by you personally, no way is it right to take it out on the grandchildren and they should've spoken to you about whatever it was.
I am sorry too that they called you money grabbing and then cut contact. I doubt you'll get answers, certainly any that make sense and that can be really frustrating and even more painful.

With the cut contact, it's hard, it's really hard. It does actually get easier though, learn to live with it. That's all I can recommend, carry on your life, be with your own family of your choosing and while it hurts like hell, try not to let it get you down too much. You can't change people, only how you react to them. I really would prioritise yourself here and give yourself some TLC.

I don’t think anyone should go through life like this, accepting their position as a second class citizen in their own family and smiling sweetly while being demeaned and deprioritised. The on self esteem of living this life long term is crushing.

Besides, there is also an element of “if you don’t respect yourself then others won’t respect you either.” Which is playing out here - as soon as she voiced an opinion which ran contrary to their interests they have cut her off (not the other way around) because they couldn’t accept that her feelings may have value. They will be waiting for her to go crawling back and to accept that she is wrong for asking for equal treatment. After years of conditioning, that is what they all expect from her. It’s probably what she expects of herself.

Standing up for herself takes courage and - you know what - it is also a show of kindness. Kindness towards herself.

My suggestion is far from gentle. It protects the kids and I think it proves the extended family has misunderstood, all without engaging in any passive aggressive nonsense or putting up with their drama. they do not get to keep control of the narrative.

Gosh there are some weird responses on here?

It's ok to invoice someone to take your grandchildren out for the day?

You should feel grateful for 50p and it's rude to point out that you can't buy anything with 50p these days?

I think 8 grandchildren is a lot and if it were me I'd probably give each child £25-50 for their birthday depending on age and buy a family box of Roses or something for Christmas to spread the cost a bit. But not treating the grandchildren equally is very unfair.

I'd let them stew in their own juice OP. You can spend time with your DH's family and not worry abut Christmas presents for them.

Or you could model healthy boundaries, and self-respect.

To help ensure they don't accept that their place in any relationship is to be treated worse than everyone else.

This is baffling - where did they get the “‘money grabbing’ accusation from? If from you questioning why their other GC get presents and yours don’t… that doesn’t hold water. I’m sorry to say but they sound like assholes. And 3 months of silent treatment… Have you sent any kind of message to them to try and reconcile and relay how upsetting this is?

"Standing up for herself takes courage and - you know what - it is also a show of kindness. Kindness towards herself."

I agree OP should not be their victim. My idea is that she accepts the distance they made and makes damned sure not to fight them on the grounds they chose.

I feel that taking a position of strength and deciding for ourselves what we will accept is far from being passive.

OP cannot do a damned thing about having a cruel extended family, but she is not cut from the same cloth. She can protect her home and let her kids know that being cruel is simply "not of us"

I expect it would not work in the USA, but it is a response I know from experience has a chance in the long term in the UK.

I'd cut these swines off cheerfully

id also do a dna thing online just to satisfy my curiosity.

They certainly do not sound emotionally mature and it does seem like at least one of them has a few textbook covert/vulnerable narcissistic traits.

How many of these resonate (sorry used AI rather than typing them all out!):

Textbook signs of a covert/vulnerable narcissistic parent of adult children

1. Victim mentality – consistently portrays themselves as misunderstood, mistreated or unappreciated.
2. Emotional manipulation – uses guilt, tears, sulking or withdrawal to influence behaviour.
3. Lack of accountability – struggles to admit wrongdoing or accept responsibility.
4. Hypersensitivity to criticism – reacts defensively or disproportionately to perceived criticism.
5. Difficulty accepting boundaries – interprets independence as rejection or disrespect.
6. Emotional entitlement – expects attention, loyalty, gratitude and prioritisation
7. Conditional generosity – uses past sacrifices and favours as leverage.
8. Lack of empathy – struggles to acknowledge or prioritise their children's feelings.
9. Sibling triangulation – compares siblings, shares private information, creates alliances and encourages division.

10. Golden child/scapegoat dynamics – favours one child while blaming or criticising another. 11. Envy and competitiveness – resents children's success, confidence or independence. 12. Passive aggression – uses silent treatment, sulking, subtle digs and emotional withdrawal. 13. Control through guilt – makes adult children feel responsible for their happiness and wellbeing. 14. Difficulty with independence – resents children prioritising partners, children and their own lives. 15. Grandparent entitlement – disregards boundaries around grandchildren and parenting decisions. 16. Rewriting history – selectively remembers events to preserve their own innocence. 17. Blame reversal – turns legitimate concerns about their behaviour into accusations against the person raising them. 18. Conditional affection – warmth and approval become dependent on compliance, loyalty or agreement. Underlying pattern: A persistent need for validation, control and emotional prioritisation, combined with fragile self-esteem, entitlement, impaired empathy and difficulty accepting accountability.

From my experience there is nothing you can say/do to change this other than drop the rope. We can tolerate LC and a yellow rock kind relationship so do that.

Wow.

I would assume there is something there. Perhaps your birth was very traumatic and it took 10 years for her to try again. Maybe your mum had pnd and never bonded with you and she masked it until whatever happened 6 years ago to drop the facade.

Whatever it is they are being horrid to your family so you are better off without them in your life unfortunately. Only keep positive people in your life.

i would be no contact. See how quick they get in touch when they need help in their old age

Please stop, unless that's you her parents or one of the favoured sisters? 😂

I feel for you op as husbands parents were exactly the same. To be fair they had always done it. His dad (later diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder) always made very clear that my husband was a second rate citizen and that his sister was queen bee. They are close in age but he hugely favoured her. For decades he bought a brand new car every 4 years and gave the 4 year old one to her and not a penny to my husband. They moved to the same city as my SiL to do all her childcare for her 2 boys and changed their car to a 4 seater as we had 3 children so "they couldn't possibly take your children anywhere as you have 3"..my kids were younger but I kept a distance once they started this shit with them (wouldn't give my kids any food even though we had travelled 1.5 hours to see them).
Now they are very frail and I gently remind them of things they have done when they ask us to go and do stuff for them "of course, after all the childcare you have done for us over the years we would love to.." they have had 1 child of 3 for 1 day 😁.
You will Never change them op as they will all reinforce each other. Best make your peace and stay out of the way.

Please go read her posts again and stop making shit up. And you keep going on and on about petrol while ignoring all the things she has brought in including more painful and serious that the petrol.

Again are you the mother or one of the favoured sisters???

Claiming they are too poor to serve cake for tes yet posting pictures doing opposite with her sisters. Claiming too poor to buy even £10 gifts for their grandchildren yet doing opposite for her sister while boasting about expensive cruises etc. and when she asks they cut her off and you're here going on and on about filling the tank which OP never asked them to do. Thank they filled to take their own grandchildren out.

Are you ok????

Thank you. @Bountyhunter888 is acting like a dog a bone, ignoring all the facts and has honed in on the petrol situation like a gotcha moment while ignoring everything else and context.

According to her OP not paying for the petrol which she never asked for justifies being treated that way and cut off and her kids not getting any presents from their grandparents while they treat her other sisters very very differently with expensive gifts and cake at tre and down payment for their houses etc.

Well-done @Bountyhunter888 you figured it all out.

Everything you've written here is absolute rubbish and has nothing to do with what OP has raised.

"Back in my day you were 18 you got a job and left home, adults think they can live at home forever and not pay or go to uni and expect their parents to pay or have kids and then expect their parents to pay for their kids"

WTF has this got to do with what OP posted???? Is OP still at home and expecting her parents to pay for her? Are you really ok? OP has her own home without help from her parents yet her sister got help but you act like OP is demanding help 😂

How is OP expecting her parents to pay for her kids? Tell us common. Her parents asked to take the kids out, OP did not ask them to or demand. Her father decided he wanted to use OPs car because it's bigger and car seats ok fine. The car had half tank but her dad prefers the tank to be filled so he went on his own accord and filled the tank then expects his daughter to pay him back. That is selfish disgusting behaviour but obviously that's the type of person you are. Tightfisted and selfish and will send an invoice for every single favour you do for someone including taking your own grandchildren out for the day.

It's obvious that your projecting, and whoever it is that hurt you it's definitely not @FakeFinances . Jeez
And according to you this justifies her parents and sisters cutting her off and not even speaking to her for 3 months now??? Seriously???

I’d give your parents £100 in cash prior to Christmas and say, look you said you’re short of money so please use this to buy my children presents from you. Yes it’s an outlay, but it will show them up as utter cunts if they don’t produce the gifts for your dc.

If you give your sisters and parents 23 and me boxes as a gift, you could find out the truth.

I mean you don’t even need to give them to your parents. Giving them to your sisters will prove a full or half sibling match.

Well they put petrol in the car and the OP wasn't expecting to pay for it judging by their reaction to be presented with the receipt. I'm not sure how different that is in practice.

I'm also not sure what relevance their voting habits have other than to paint them in a negative light (for MN). As for having more rules - well every eldest child will say this, its the norm. Asking about age gaps might be a common question from a child but its also reasonable not to answer - it is personal information which not everyone wants to share.

If the DGP are treating one set of children negatively overall compared to the other grandchildren that is enough to spend less effort on them in return.

However the OP has only talked in terms of monetary relationship and that is only one factor and probably the least important when it comes to family relationships. You can have a great relationship with children and grandchildren without money (except on MN where its a dominating factor) - we have heard nothing about the other aspects of their relationships with the GDC or DC, only the monetary relationship.

OP - what do your sisters think about the situation?

So you ask them a question about gifts and they call you money grabbing and cut off the relationship? They sound nuts. Do you actually enjoy visiting them or was it just out of “duty”? Do your kids like them? If not then doesn’t sound like a big loss.

Taking into account the 10 year age difference between you and your sisters, is the present buying scenario because your DC are now young adults and theirs are much younger?
Not contacting you for 3 month is ridiculous. I assume no contact with your DC either? I'd find that appalling.
I think I'd just crack on with my own little family and DH's family, if they are better.
Don't waste your life wondering why they act like they do OP.