Parents faking poverty and not buying dc gifts

[FakeFinances]

for some reason approx 6 years ago my parents decided to stop all gifts for birthday Easter and Christmas. They said they just didn’t have the money to do them for the GC. Fine.

Excpet it’s 1. Not true that they can’t afford it and 2. They still buy gifts etc for both my sisters dc???

Everytime I go to see them they openly show me expensive new things, tell me about the cruises and holidays booked and talk finances (positively) then in the same visit they’ll say they have no money so sorry there’s no cake to have with coffee and reiterate that’s why they don’t do gifts anymore???

I have found out that they have still given gifts to all their other GC (I have 2 sisters) and I’m shocked ? When I asked them about it all they said they would not be speaking to me anymore as I was ‘money grabbing’ ? They haven’t spoken to me for 3 months now.

We hadn’t fallen out prior to this I genuinely believed when they first started this that they had just decided no more gifts ? I have 2 dc, my sisters have 6 between them.

Would you seriously take your grandchildren out and then give your son or daughter an invoice? Presumably they chose to put petrol in the car. There is no way as a parent that I would ask for the money. I think the whole situation is awful.

I think that one of your parents ( probably mother from what you say) is a narcissist.

you are being singled out here. Sounds like your mother harbours a lot of resentment towards you. There’s not much point trying to guess- it is irrational and your mother would probably even struggle to know herself.

It's not just that though. They can't even stretch to buying a cake when they visit 🤣

Is this coming from both parents? Could you speak to the less forthright parent to ask what the problem seems to be? Do you tell your mum you’ve seen she’s been out for afternoon tea and you would have loved to have joined them?

I’m not meaning any of this is on you, but if it were my mum I would have to speak up and say I know you’re doing these other things. If it resulted in a row at least I’d feel she knew how hurt I was. Though I do agree with others, that maybe he’s not your biological dad. How old was your mum when she had you?

And, this is a huge step, and it depends on whether you want to know the outcome, but have you thought about doing an ancestors dna test?

None of it is easy though and I really feel for you. It hurts so much more when it’s your children being affected rather than yourself.

expecting your parents to pay to put petrol in your car

OP didn’t do this though. I am embarrassed for you and your lack of comprehension skills!

That still doesn't make sense regarding the too tight to buy a cake yet taking her other daughter's out for afternoon tea 😬

It’s awful you are being treated like this OP. It isn’t about the money; it’s about the hurt of being treated differently. I am sorry.

If true your parents are disgusting and id be glad to be shut of the whole bloody lot of them . Shame on your sisters for not calling it out .

It sounds like textbook narcissistic parenting, you need to break that cycle and not expose your children to it. Unfortunately, that often means going NC.

This is coming from somebody after 20 years of therapy and a lot of hard Work ending the cycle with my children. XX

You are focusing on the wrong thing. The reason does not matter. If your parents were emotionally healthy they would discuss this with you, not decide to punish you and your children for some perceived slight. My guess, nothing specific happened and a variation of this dynamic has been going on for years.

One day you will realize that nothing you do is enough or right in their eyes. No matter what you do they will find some offense. It's up to you how long you want to put up with it.

This. I’d ask them why they are behaving like this and then act accordingly depending on what they say. There must be more to this or also they could be a bit senile.

Have only read OPs posts. This sounds awful for you. You need to come to terms with them not being in your lives, do you have ILs around?

Therapy may help, but i wouldn't be exposing my DC to any of this, and would unfollow/unfriend my parents and sisters on social media so you don't feel the stabbing pain of them being treated.

And stay firm when it comes to them needing help when aging makes them less independent.

I agree.

It’s really quite common for dysfunctional people to scapegoat one family member. Unfortunately that’s you. Then the siblings who benefit from it are too weak or selfish to stand up for you, so you end up being estranged from everyone when you have done nothing wrong.

If you don’t want to completely cut off contact I’d certainly go very low contact and stop trying to make sense of it or get them to be fair because somehow they’ve convinced themselves they’re in the right. It’s like a kind of cult.

Hopefully you have lovely in laws and wonderful friends. Whatever I’d focus on whoever is around you who treats you kindly and with respect and ignore those nutters.

siblings do accept it though for a variety of reasons, they like the easy life, benefit from the arrangement, can’t deal with conflict etc

I think you need to get to he bottom of what happened to change this. Which means going back over everything from 6 years ago. Even writing them a letter asking them to spell out what you have done wrong 6 years ago and to spell it out to you.

My guess is your sisters or someone has said something or projected something on you that they have taken offence at.

Have you any other family to ask? How old are your nieces and nephews, could they know what is going on and in conversation could they blurt out that your dc don’t get any presents from grandparents because mummy says……

Something did happen 6 years ago and a lie had been told. I would also look into dna testing. Whilst you think you look like your father, if your mother has a “type” you could be someone else’s child.

Given Covid was 6 years ago and I know from experience how it changed some people and not for the better.

I would be writing a letter and be pointing out you know when this all changed and you are at a loss to know what you have supposedly done to deserve them to think that you are money grabbing

Seeing how they treat their other GC is extremely hurtful and if wanting similar is in their eyes money grabbing then what does that make their other children and grandchildren

Wouldn’t be surprised that your sisters have decided that splitting your parents estate 2 ways and not 3 is going to serve them better
and if that’s the case then one of them better watch out because a few wrong words from their sibling could put them in the same position as you

I would put money on you having a different father than your sisters do.

Their behaviour is horrid.

I completely agree.

I’m just assuming there has to be some sort of explanation/back story.

If they were like it ti everyone then I’d assume they were just stingy.

Dear OP, please don't disown your family. This isn't the USA where people cut ties more often.

Maybe just go gentle, accept thier low contact. Perhaps be kind. Pass on how cool your mum is on mothers day on your Facebook or whatever.Send them, your sisters, and their kids unreciprocated gifts without comment and just be kind.

"A gift demands a gift" is an ancient human thing, and it is likely they will eventually feel the warmth of it. Or perhaps the children may in the future, allowing the cousins to be family later in life. Let actions heal what they hurt, without blame that could entrench their defences.

It will also make it hard to argue you chose to disown them so they can feel good about cutting you out. And it shows your children by example that whatever the extended family model love is not conditional in their home.

Yes, good point ⬆️
Don't want to offend but could it be your Dad isn't your Dad if you know what I mean?
There HAS to be something that is making them single you out. Their first born.

I would be pointing out to your sisters that by removing the family scapegoat from the family means there is a vacancy to fill.
It might not become obvious for a while but it certainly will given time who your parents have decided to choose.

Just putting that seed in their minds will make them second guess what their other sibling is saying or watching closely over what Christmas presents the gc receive.

Oh OP you poor thing.

You have two options
1 - ask them why everything changed 6 years ago. If they refuse to tell you go no or low contact
2 - just go low or no contact with these tossers. I hope you don't buy them gifts.

Find people who are more rewarding to spend time with. Focus on your DH's family.

Whatever perceived issue they have with you from 6 years ago they shouldn't be taking it out on your children, do not let them treat your children this way.

It’s the parents choosing to disown the child not the other way round

This is horrible. I believe that everyone is treated the same.

That would do it for me. No one would make my DC feel less than. Your DPs need to hope that your siblings step up when they need help because you're not doing it.

Can I ask are your children older and your sister’s children much younger?

Translation: OP, just lie down and let them walk all over you, because the emotional wellbeing of the whole family is your responsibility, and you are the least important person in it. Find fulfilment in your masochistic self-abasement, as generations of properly socialised women have done before you.

Fuck
That