Parents faking poverty and not buying dc gifts

[FakeFinances]

for some reason approx 6 years ago my parents decided to stop all gifts for birthday Easter and Christmas. They said they just didn’t have the money to do them for the GC. Fine.

Excpet it’s 1. Not true that they can’t afford it and 2. They still buy gifts etc for both my sisters dc???

Everytime I go to see them they openly show me expensive new things, tell me about the cruises and holidays booked and talk finances (positively) then in the same visit they’ll say they have no money so sorry there’s no cake to have with coffee and reiterate that’s why they don’t do gifts anymore???

I have found out that they have still given gifts to all their other GC (I have 2 sisters) and I’m shocked ? When I asked them about it all they said they would not be speaking to me anymore as I was ‘money grabbing’ ? They haven’t spoken to me for 3 months now.

We hadn’t fallen out prior to this I genuinely believed when they first started this that they had just decided no more gifts ? I have 2 dc, my sisters have 6 between them.

I'm not telling her to "ditch her whole family" but to let all this nonsense wash by her.
I used the Reform voting aspect as tongue in cheek and another good reason to just let it wash by as they are people she is not burning to be close to.
What can she achieve by stirring it all up? What is to be gained?
We sometimes have to accept others as they are. We may not like it, but there it is ... life.

You are missing the point expecting your parents to pay to put petrol in your car is not ok and expecting another human on this planet to pay for you is not ok, there are kids in this country who dont get presents and dont get fed and wont get presents at xmas and OP who has plenty of her own money and a house and partner and big car is moaning because her parents dont spend money on her kids...have her kids now i expect almost adults ever sent their grandparents a card or got them a present,. I very much doubt it,.. do they send a thankyou card or thankyou message when theyve received presents no i doubt it, did they turn their noses up at the presents they received yes i expect they did,.did OP make it obvious she wasnt happy with the presents yes i expect she did,..

Back in my day you were 18 you got a job and left home, adults think they can live at home forever and not pay or go to uni and expect their parents to pay or have kids and then expect their parents to pay for their kids......these days all people care about is money oh grandad is dying but i wont go and see them as one year they forgot to get me a birthday card but i wonder if i will get any money when he dies

Or maybe the whole day including petrol was £100 and they asked for money and OP said no,..

Are you financially much better off than your parents and sisters ? Better educated with a much better job ? Have you done better than your parents and they are jealous of you in some way. Are your sisters single parents or struggling ? Sounds like they are compensating your sisters for something but in any event it is very unfair and hurtful. They are toxic and are scapegoating you.

That's shocking behaviour from them. I wouldn't blame you if you never spoke to them again. I can understand how confused you feel. They shouldn't be treating you and your children like that without at least having a real conversation about things.

They truly walk among us

But alternatively you are teaching them that people can treat them like shit and they should just put up with it. That will potentially set them up for a lifetime of accepting that behaviour, monkey see monkey do, children learn from what we model to them. It can be explained in an age appropriate way to them.

@FakeFinances i had something similar. When i was a teen my siblings were handed money and i was called money grabbing if i asked. I had no bus or lunch money and walked passed my bus stop on my hours walk to school while my siblings waiting for the bus. I never asked for money again. My mum would tell everyone who would listen that i was money grabbing.

It died down a bit in my mid twenties when i started to pay for more things for my mum. I'm now very late 20s and its started off again now i asked if they had the same wedding contribution for me as my sister. (Gave sister £10k a few years back)

i've really thought about why shes like this and i think its partly unresolved money trauma her end that is being taken out on me, perhaps she sees herself in me, and power and control.

Gosh, OP, really sorry to read this, it sounds incredibly painful. I wonder if you look back at your mum or dad's family history, if there is any pattern of one child being ostracised, and if one of your parents is repeating the pattern?

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Stopping when grandchildren reach say 18, reasonable. This does not seem to be the case though.

buy yourself an ancestry DNA test for your christmas. If my suspicions are correct, it may answer some questions for you.

I don't think this is the situation. The OP is bothered that the grandparents are treating her and her children very differently to the other daughters and their children. In my experience OP you will never get a reason for this as there isn't a logical one, its not your children's fault or yours. I wouldn't go none contact but I would reduce the effort and emotional connection. You can choose not to care any more. If they aren't talking to you anymore anyway it isn't within your control. It is entirely normal sadly for people in the wrong to call others money grabbers etc when it makes no sense. My in laws have twice taken the other grandchildren on massive holidays and tried to keep it a secret. Treating grandchildren so differently okay and being annoyed about it does not make you a money grabber. There are lots of threads on MN about grandparents with a favourite family they shower with presents/ care/ inappropriate levels of presence where the parents of the grandchildren never really grow up. My position is to not care and directly tell my children it is disfunctional and not their fault. I think my in laws would be surprised about the depth of issues they have caused in the family as have stopped trying to get them see the point of view/ change. From my perspective now the behaviour is weird and I would not want to be in that dynamic. If they are using favours or the withdrawal of favours to create power inbalances you are not missing out when not getting the favours. Sadly sometimes families let you down.

Fuck ‘em. Go non contact. They are abusive and your DC don’t need to see that shit. It’s remarkable how freeing it is to be away from abusive parents

They probably don’t like that you questioned them, so rather than acknowledge their behaviour they are doubling down & blaming you. You can’t win with those types although it is shitty to have shitty parents

How old are your children?

I was going to say there probably is no reason, you've just been allocated the scapegoat role and nothing you do or say will ever change that. I've occasionally challenged my parents about the shockingly obvious preferential treatment shown to my sister and her children and they will literally twist themselves into pretzels to justify it and then tell me I'm being "difficult and trying to upset them". I've leant it's just not worth raising.

But in our family it's always been like that. I note that you refer to a change 6 years ago which suggests something shifted. What was it? Was this when your sisters started having children? And yours are older? My parents were thrilled with my eldest until my sister had her first and they totally lost interest in mine. I felt that really acutely as I'd hardened myself to them spoiling and babying my sister but it hurt much more to see it done to my child.

I would be putting my DNA on 23andMe and finding out if by chance there is another branch that I am related to, sounds like your parentage could be questionable

There's obviously more to this. If my mum had started behaving like that towards me and my son I'd be utterly horrified want to know why. I wouldn't let it rest until I had a reason. I also wonder about the ten year age gap with the siblings and if there's something going on there.

There's always one! I've no idea why you have a huge chip on your shoulder @Bountyhunter888 but don't impose it on the OP.

An invoice? Really? YANBU.

Dont they just tho!!! ,probably find OP doesnt have a job hence expecting others to pay!

I think it’s time to cut them all off, they all sound completely unhinged to be frank. How can any parent justify such favouritism to the extent they’re essentially cutting one child off for absolutely no good reason? They’re not worth your energy.

There is obviously some reason in their head, whether it’s logical or not. The fact your sisters agree make it more likely too.
are the two younger sisters closer generally and you’ve been pushed out?

if my parents were treating one of my sisters differently I wouldn’t stand back and accept it or join in, unless the sister was really nasty and it was justified.

I would challenge them over buying your sister's DC presents, so you are too poor to buy my children presents but not hers? ie. don't beat around the bush or bring in other issues just that- and see what they say.

Do you have wider family, aunts and uncles, who are friendly and you can ask?
If so, speak plainly about the situation, with kind curiosity. Don’t save details as over the last 6 years (at least) your parents and sisters will have planted a different narrative.