Parents faking poverty and not buying dc gifts

[FakeFinances]

for some reason approx 6 years ago my parents decided to stop all gifts for birthday Easter and Christmas. They said they just didn’t have the money to do them for the GC. Fine.

Excpet it’s 1. Not true that they can’t afford it and 2. They still buy gifts etc for both my sisters dc???

Everytime I go to see them they openly show me expensive new things, tell me about the cruises and holidays booked and talk finances (positively) then in the same visit they’ll say they have no money so sorry there’s no cake to have with coffee and reiterate that’s why they don’t do gifts anymore???

I have found out that they have still given gifts to all their other GC (I have 2 sisters) and I’m shocked ? When I asked them about it all they said they would not be speaking to me anymore as I was ‘money grabbing’ ? They haven’t spoken to me for 3 months now.

We hadn’t fallen out prior to this I genuinely believed when they first started this that they had just decided no more gifts ? I have 2 dc, my sisters have 6 between them.

I believe this is illegal.

I take my grandchildren out regularly FOR my daughter and other times for my enjoyment but I would never ask for any costs to be covered! Pretty sure that’s the case for everyone I know 🤷‍♀️Fair enough if they are struggling financially but OP parents don’t sound if they are short of a few quid!
OP ,I personally would have it out with them because you have nothing to lose.

Wow are you? If that’s the case, I’d definitely do test and test my siblings as a couple of them definitely have an asshole gene that I don’t!

It could be some other man in your dads family…but I agree its probably something that has changed 6 years ago. They haven't told you about it, which is cowardly, just changed their behaviour.
Ask them once and once only ‘what is up with the different treatment’, list it, tell them its really confusing and hurtful. Then either they tell you and you get to the bottom of it, or you can tell them you’ve had a go at mending whatever it was that has broken, but thats that, you’re out, its too unfair. You can't be expected to act like its all jolly and cosy when you’re being shut out.

I would see if i could keep the cousins relationship going, and I would keep it civil long term, theres always a lot of funerals and weddings to go to in families. Keep it polite but put a wall up around your heart to keep from getting hurt.
I already think you’re being too nice about it.

Have it out with them:

Why do you treat me differently?

No we don't.

Yes you do. For example, ...

Blither blither.

Well, it's hurtful and I want you to stop.

Blither blither.

As you insist on continuing to hurt me, I'm going to remove myself. Bye.

Good suggestions. Thinking out of the box!

If I was one of those sisters I’d be giving my parents a right old ear bashing! How dare they make fish and flesh within a family in this way?!
All their DGC should be treated exactly the same and in my family they are!

I’m sorry you are dealing with this op. They all sound very unpleasant frankly. If you are keen to know what they are playing at then ask, but they will likely deny there’s an issue, blame you, etc. I’d be tempted to leave it. Either way I’d be cutting contact if it was me. This situation will be bad for your kids.

Hi op sorry you’re going through this it is horrible that your parents do this. I have something similar in my family do they like you? Op is your mum your real mum could your father have got someone else pregnant. You really are the black sheep I would let them get on with things as your kids are being treated like dirt on their shoes so are you. They think very little of you if they think you are all about money. Believe me when I say this please don’t put your kids through this toxicity relationship. ignore family carry on with your own yes it hurts like mad but they don’t care so it’s never going to improve. They’re not poor they are very cruel.

Have I missed the age of your children? Sometimes wider family stop buying presents once children reach 18 ( though the normal route is to just be upfront, not falsely plead destitution).

If your children are still actually children, then your family are just arseholes.

The sensible answer is to continue to keep your distance, and stop exposing your children to this toxicity.

But first I would be tempted to get your husband to take your children out for the day and invite your parents round to clear the air (and tell them there’s no money for tea and coffee so you will serve thin gruel and runny grobbles….)

I can see you've tried to ask in the past and neither your parents nor sisters are willing to give you an answer. It's at this point I bring out my usual advice of you can't control other people's behaviour but you can control your reaction.

Sadly it sounds like this relationship is over. Whether you have really done something or simply been perceived to have done something the result is the same. They don't want to talk to you about it and they don't want to talk to you at all. That's their decision and that's what you have to choose how to react to.

It sounds as though things haven't been OK for years and you've been trying to hang onto them by a thread, which has now broken.

Do you think you deserve their behaviour? Do you think your DC deserve their behaviour?

Your answers to those questions might help guide your next steps.

It absolutely does the opposite of protecting the kids. You seem to think children aren’t sentient beings who notice things. They most certainly are and they will see how they and their mum are treated differently to their aunts and cousins. That is definitely not healthy.

There is something missing here - this behavior on the part of your parents is not explainable - something is missing. In the meantime, what can you lose by just ASKING them what the problem is???? When you know why this is happening you can address it however you need to. Have you asked your sisters? Are they aware of this discrepancy? They should be angry too if there is no basis for this childish behavior on your parents part!!!

You keep saying you're confused, but whatever the reason you and your children are being treated differently and ate unlikely to find out why. I would not expose my childten to this at all.

This Op seems happy to use them for childcare. All so strange

I think this is an entrenched family fanatic that the OP is only now seeing properly as it has started affecting her children. In a healthy family, if one person accused another of money grabbing because they questioned why their kids were the only ones left out, the others would not get involved / try and sort it out / at least ask some questions to try and make sense of it. The fact the sisters have just completely cut off contact at the same time on the basis of what their mum told them, without hearing the OPs side, suggests that ganging up on the OP is something they're used to and happy with.

Once you realise that, its very difficult to go back. I'd seriously consider cutting them off. Someone who can treat their grandkids like that just aren't worth bothering with, even if they're family.

It wasn't that your sisters had their first children around then was it? So yours were sidelined?

If someone took out my children in my car and found it needed petrol then I would offer to reimburse them even if they declined my offer.

I find it odd to hear someone talk about relationships entirely as financial transaction measures. The OP has mentioned nothing about any other aspect of relationships but has dropped in several non-relevant points guaranteed to create a negative impression of the parents.

I know this is MN where every grandparent is a Reform voting millionaire going on 25 cruises a year whilst stealing their children's blood but IME its rare, even on here, to hear someone talk about a relationship so completely and solely in terms of relative financial benefits.

Your parents are very odd : grim and I think I’d take my kids away from that environment. How are they supposed to process that when they realise their cousins all had gifts but they didn’t .

As you insist on continuing to hurt me, I'm going to remove myself. Bye.

They probably wouldn't care but would probably complain that you no longer see them & they have no idea why.

Stop talking bollocks.

Buying gifts for some GC and not others has nothing to do with money. It's about effort, love, inclusion and fairness. Even if they were fab parents in every other way this would be cruel and strange.

Yet the parents are saying it's because they're skint - so money IS relevant here.

Best treat all kids and grandchildren the same. 😉

The poster has a point insofar as the OP presents her parents as unequivocally from root to tip awful people.

and yet… has been very happy leaving her children alone with them

The cake comment is truly bizarre. Despite hard times, the vast majority of people can afford a supermarket cake, and certainly people with nice houses and going on cruises can. How can they say this with a straight face?

My father made a big statement about cutting off the flow of gifts for his ungrateful grandchildren now that they were 18. They weren’t. He claimed they were bleeding him dry. They weren’t. He has millions.

My sister and I just rolled our eyes and got on with our lives. It helps that this is standard behavior for him, he is an equal offender, and we have one another for support.

I’m telling you about this only slightly related story because we did manage to figure out the trigger. My father was still mad at my sister for disagreeing with him during a discussion about taxes. She took the position that we are economically privileged and should be paying our share. He was so offended that she thought he should pay taxes and that she was willing to pay taxes, that he disparaged all his progeny both in that moment and in perpetuity.

Just a conversation about being responsible members of society. He is a narcissist. I suspect your parents have their own problems and this is just one in a long line of problems you have with them. You have to get to the point where you just learn to roll your eyes at them.

Yes, that really helps the OP!