Parents faking poverty and not buying dc gifts

[FakeFinances]

for some reason approx 6 years ago my parents decided to stop all gifts for birthday Easter and Christmas. They said they just didn’t have the money to do them for the GC. Fine.

Excpet it’s 1. Not true that they can’t afford it and 2. They still buy gifts etc for both my sisters dc???

Everytime I go to see them they openly show me expensive new things, tell me about the cruises and holidays booked and talk finances (positively) then in the same visit they’ll say they have no money so sorry there’s no cake to have with coffee and reiterate that’s why they don’t do gifts anymore???

I have found out that they have still given gifts to all their other GC (I have 2 sisters) and I’m shocked ? When I asked them about it all they said they would not be speaking to me anymore as I was ‘money grabbing’ ? They haven’t spoken to me for 3 months now.

We hadn’t fallen out prior to this I genuinely believed when they first started this that they had just decided no more gifts ? I have 2 dc, my sisters have 6 between them.

Why are you wasting your emotions on them?

They are taking some sort of beef they have with you, on your kids. That is reason enough to not make any effort whatsoever with them.

Let them come to you. If they can't be bothered, it tells you everything you need to know. Not no contact, just only if they can be arsed.

Your kids will not lose out on not having contact with adults who are using them to get to their parents in some sort of petty dispute which they can't even be bothered to be upfront with you about.

The whole point is to hurt you and to get you running around after them. Don't play their game. Set your own rules.

That is nuts.

They're being complete arseholes.

I suspect they won't change so you might have to accept it but when they brag about expensive purchases I might be tempted to challenge them on it in the moment.

What do your sisters think about it all?

Perhaps they see your sisters as completely helpless so feel they have to help them more.

Regardless there's no reason for no presents. No matter how poor,! They could make a small gift or bake a cake or even take the kids to the park for a few hours if they were really hard up.

Boomers are a different breed. MIL buys GC baby toys from Lidl costing about £2 for birthdays for my children who aren't babies. She's not hard up, is mortgage free and never worked, and we hear endlessly all the expensive things she's doing while we work full time and can't afford lots of treats.

Invoicing for taking their own grandchildren out for the day is horrible as though they have to be paid to spend time with them.

I would keep them at arms length if they get back in touch.

Your family are cruel. It doesn't even matter if you did something wrong 6 years ago, firstly that shouldn't be taken out on your children and secondly they should be honest and upfront about their problem. You're their daughter/sister not some acquaintance they can just quietly distance themselves from.
They're not worth any more of your time.

From your posts I do wonder if they have fallen quite far down the reform rabbit hole? I’ve seen a lot of hatred online towards “woke lefties”. Do your sisters share your parents views? How old are your kids? Could the farm day have been some sort of attempt to brainwash them that didn’t work and they’ve resigned you all as “the enemy”? Or were they very young? Of course this is wild speculation, it’s just all I can read to go on. Regardless of the reasons, previous poster was right in saying this is how it is so you can either accept it or confront them to understand, but I don’t see how you can move past how they have treated you. I’m so sorry, it must be really hurtful.

They are treating you badly.
But I wonder if you treat them simply as grandparents, rather than asking them about their life and showing concern about their lives?

Agree!
A lot of them seem to binge watch GB News and lack critical thinking.

Yes, I wonder about this. Did you pay the "invoice" @FakeFinances . But also if it was that then the op would have been able to point to that as the time when things changed and she hasn't.

any chance they thought your dc were rude? not appreciative of the gifts, no thank you card, something like that?

or do your siblings help them out with hospital visits etc and they are holding a secret grudge against you??

It’s still outrageous tbh especially that they helped your siblings with deposits.

i would give up on them and pull back entirely. my guess is they treat you badly in othee ways too, which you have normalised.

The lack of equality in their decision is very strange. Are your kids a lot older than your sisters so they are giving them presents up to the age when they stopped giving them to yours?

Did your children act ungrateful to the presents they got?

Why dont you write a letter stating what you feel and saying since you are treated differently and you dont know why you will not be seeing them again. Anyone who can behave like that isnt worth it. It's just nasty.

Best advice on any thread ever

Without wanting to sound too 'conspiracy theory' about all this, I did wonder if six years ago something came to light that had either been forgotten or buried and it has become 'attached' to you by default? Something like Dad having an affair and only agreeing to stay if Mum had more children - something that made it a 'life before and life after' very distinct difference. You then became the scapegoat for everything that went wrong and this has transferred to your children?

Op re the deposits-presumably they were in a better position to help your sisters, but how did the comment about you not needing it come about?

Did they just say it or did you ask?

@trapdooragain
Well her parents are not going to have an epiphany and treat her nicely / give her closure / explain themselves.
Talking to them is a waste of time.

She's clearly (rightly) hurting. Its your parents so a fairly fundamental rejection and Its clearly part of something bigger not an isolated incident.

sitting with that for 50 yrs plus sucks...
The right therapist will let her work through it get closure and find peace. She can move on with her life.

Because its not about them pleading poverty its about their fundamentally hurtful treatment towards their child.

OP, you’re trying to get water from an empty well. Get yourself some therapy and cut contact with these energy vampires. They’re not good people.

'Invoicing' might just mean texting a list of outgoings. Given that the OP asked them to take the kids out for the day, tgat seems reasonable- a formal printed out sheet headed 'invoice'- less so!

My guess is that you are not your dads child. That you are treated differently because you are the product of an affair or a prior relationships.

If they want NC then be NC. No point in having a relationships with people who dont actually like you or your kid. If your kids ask you tell them that they weren't being kind to you and people shouldn't be friends with people who aren't kind to them.

You arent money grabbing. You dont care about the money you care about the inequality. They gave your sisters money for disposition and gave you nothing. They have afternoon tea for your sisters but cant buy £2,50 cake when you visit. They have presents for 6 kids but not 2.

You are the black sheep dont let that carry on to your kids.

Also be prepared that you will be left out of the will. Remember how you've been treated when they need future care because the need to feel loved is strong but loving someone and using them is a different thing.

Honestly, it just sounds like they don't like you and don't have the parental feelings they should have towards you.
It's awful but I wouldn't have anything more to do with them, they know exactly what they are doing is hurtful. Concentrate on other people in your life.

Quoting so that pp can see that OP did not ask her parents to take them out. THEY asked to use her car and then added to the fuel that was already in it.

OP I’m sorry that your family are arseholes. Just don’t bother with them anymore.

I would say there could be something in the DPs past - it can be that when a child reaches an age that the parent had some traumatic incident befall them then the issue is replayed with the new child.
So did eg a parent die, or a father walk out, or abuse by a family member happen when your DPs were young which is being played out now. You probably don't know as it won't be talked about - what about talking to DPs siblings?

I lived nowhere near DPs when my DCs were young - so they didn't enter into conversation much or influence our lives - I would stop mixing with them or talking about them to DCs.

Hello this is out there I know but I wonder if you have considred genetic testing. for yourself in case ther emay be suprises?

I'm hoping you have sat down with your more approachable parent and tried to work out why this happened. Just in case it's a matter of them overhearing something awful on a ring camera or something like that

I normally never go down the lessen contact route unless its a clear option but I really feel this is so much more than just getting presents on their part. Whatever it is, they are causing you a lot of anguish and I would embrace the space from them for the moment to get your head straight. I think counselling could help as its very hard being at odds with family and its very hard not tobget sucked back in 🥰🥰🥰

Have you actually read it properly??
They offered to take the children out,OP didn't ask them. They used OPs car because of the car seats etc, and there was plenty of petrol in it but OPs father topped it up. OP didn't ask her parents to take the children out, they offered and she didn't ask her Dad to put petrol in it- he did it of his own accord!
Now, in my world- and a lot of other people's- if grandparents offer to take their grandchildren out,then it's their treat. If not, then the grandparents need to be upfront about it and not send a ridiculous invoice afterwards like it was a business transaction!

I went NC with my mother, her husband and all of her family for this type of behaviour.

However, I was illegitimate - never met my father - and she married when I was 4 and had 2 further DC who were treated VERY differently. I left home at 15 and married my fantastic DH when I was 23. I did keep low contact until I had my own DD in my 30's and then realised there was no way on earth I could treat my child that way.
(Wasn't just my mother but pretty much the whole family followed suit.)

Never spoke or saw any of them again. That was well over 30 years ago and most are dead now which I discovered via the internet. Happiest 30 plus years of my life.

Honestly OP, this will not change and soon that hurt will pass to your DC. I would leave this situation now. Hard, I know, but once you are used to it you will feel as if a load has been lifted.

I think the point that needs to be made to your parents is this is not about the money, it's about unequal treatment.