Parents faking poverty and not buying dc gifts

[FakeFinances]

for some reason approx 6 years ago my parents decided to stop all gifts for birthday Easter and Christmas. They said they just didn’t have the money to do them for the GC. Fine.

Excpet it’s 1. Not true that they can’t afford it and 2. They still buy gifts etc for both my sisters dc???

Everytime I go to see them they openly show me expensive new things, tell me about the cruises and holidays booked and talk finances (positively) then in the same visit they’ll say they have no money so sorry there’s no cake to have with coffee and reiterate that’s why they don’t do gifts anymore???

I have found out that they have still given gifts to all their other GC (I have 2 sisters) and I’m shocked ? When I asked them about it all they said they would not be speaking to me anymore as I was ‘money grabbing’ ? They haven’t spoken to me for 3 months now.

We hadn’t fallen out prior to this I genuinely believed when they first started this that they had just decided no more gifts ? I have 2 dc, my sisters have 6 between them.

I would say expecting them to fill up the car with petrol and pay for it is a starting point, ik guessing the parents said oh we filled up the car with petrol then paid to get in the farm and pay for drinks etc this could easiy be £100 and OP didnt offer the money so the parents sent an invoice

Yanbu

You have been designated the "black sheep" in their eyes. Nothing you do will ever be good enough. It's best to protect your children from their toxic malevolence by going fully NC.

Have you used the long running "stately homes" threads for support for people dealing with toxic parents?

I probably wouldn't be looking for reasons. It is waste of your mental and emotional energy, and it may lead to more hurt and rejection for you and your children. It is sad, but you have your own family and you don't need these people.

I'm actually pretty stumped to why you're ruminating on this. It's nothing to do with petrol or gifts. They treat you differently for reasons you're not privy too. Stop trying to figure out why and going over past bills for petrol.

Your family doesn't see you as family and you need to either have the confrontation until you get the answers you need or you need to accept that they won't treat you the same as your sisters and protect your children from them.

It's done. They've played their hand. Either face it head on or let it go.

This is awful OP and I am so sorry you are treated this way.
Could you write them all (including your sisters) a letter or email to explain your view point and just ask why? I know I would be desperate to know the reasons behind it but I would get too angry and emotional with a face to face conversation. Specifically ask them what happened 6 years ago.
Depending on their response (or if they don't respond), I would then go no contact and get myself a therapist. As a child, I was in the position of one of your children (grandparents treating my cousins better) and it's horrible.

If you are you saying the farm park visit was the clear starting point, can ypu explain more fully what happened?
What exactly was the context? You asked them to take the children out that day in a car with insufficient petrol, and then they asked you to reimburse them for their outgoings? Because to me, that does not seemunreasonable on their part?

It was a specific point 6 years ago and they and your sisters are all now saying you're money grabbing.

Clearly something specific happened. It may be that they misunderstood/misheard/were misinformed but in their minds it was a thing big enough to talk to your siblings about and react in a quite obvious way.

Did someone favour you financially over them, or did PIL give you a generous gift that you spoke about? It really sounds like they think you have money that shouldn't be yours or they think you criticised them for not giving you money. "We're too poor to do this" sounds like the key to where their heads are.

Is it anything like your children are over 18 and your sisters' children are all still young?

I like the way OP has avoided saying how old her kids are im guessing they are almost adults or maybe adults or maybe those grandkids are the ones who were ungrateful or said something rude and buying presents for grandkids does have to stop at some point as they get older,

Sorry to be personal, but are your children's father from a different ethnic group?

Could it be racism? I could be completely wrong!

Then OPs parents should have said something along the lines of "once GCs turn 18,we think it's right to stop buying gifts". What they are doing is being very sneaky and two faced and not truthful to the OP. They are nasty pleading poverty and doing the exact opposite to the other children 😡

What is your relationship with your sister's like? Do you see them away from full family gatherings? Have you asked them what is going on and why your parents are treating you like this? Why aren't they sticking up for you? You might manage to push more info out of them than your parents.

No necessarily.
My grandmother was a wealthy woman.
She had my father then two daughters. She didn't agree with his choice of wife (my mum was Catholic) and therefore there were no treats or gifts for us as children. Despite this my father was a good son to her, he'd visit weekly to sort her garden and any jobs/shopping that she needed. My Mum would clean her house for her and go round when she was summoned, just to make her a cup of tea. Her daughter's moved away to lead glamorous lives down south.
She would literally pay for her other grandchildren to go to Disneyland every year and later paid for their weddings and house deposits/cars. We got nothing. Not even a Christmas card. This feeling of not being "good enough" is hard to shake, even though myself and my siblings managed to do okay in life (certainly better than her other grandchildren).
When she died she left everything to her daughters who didn't even bother to have a funeral for her. I wish my mother and father had cut her out years ago.
Your children will notice this disparity OP. Stand up for them now and either raise this with your sister's or walk away. Don't let your own children feel "less than".

My late mother in law used to favour my sister in law's son. It got to the point that she'd buy a mountain of gifts for him,then 1 for my son and she'd tell me to bring some unopened gifts of ours for our son so the obvious discrepancy in size of gifts wouldn't be so obvious. I refused 😡

I wonder if it stemmed from when they gave your sisters deposits but not you. You already had a house probably because you are ten years older. If you showed any emotion at that they may have turned that into you being grabby or something. It sounds as if you being the oldest and feeling you were treated differently has carried on throughout your life. (How were you treated before having sisters?)
There may be some long past deep resentment - maybe they were quite hard up when you were a child but by the time your sisters came along times were easier so they associate you with hard times.
Like others I think you should take a step back Whatever the reason, I don’t think anyone is going to tell you at this point and that is really unkind. You have your dc and dh live your best life and leave your parents and sisters in your past.

Your question assumes that @CardiffCate is making a judgment. That the question is saying “are you financially better off because if you are, then the parents’ behaviour would be ok”. The question is neutral. It’s looking for a reason for the parents’ behaviour.

And “honestly” adds nothing unless you’re suggesting there’s something dishonest about @CardiffCate

Whatever the right or wrongs about asking for money for the day out, sending an actual invoice is bizarre behaviour.

When one SIL was having financial issues, I suggested we did not buy for each others kids at Christmas and my PIL took this as a green light to also stop buying Christmas presents for our kids (though continued birthdays till they became adults.) They still bought for other grandkids but we live on a different country so at least the kids were not exposed to it. The have a very different attitude to family events - don't even send a birthday card to their own son.

I couldn't imagine ever not wanting to mark my kids birthday in some way.

I wouldn't put it past your parents to make their wills favour your sisters too 😔 so I'd be mentally prepared for that too,when the time comes.

How odd. Singling your family out to stop gifts and then going out of their way to tell you they do have money sounds like they are deliberately slighting you, and making sure you know it. Which sounds like an act of aggression or punishment.
Was there an event that was the catalyst for this, a reason they might be angry with you, given they used to buy and then stopped?

Well they do seem to have all decided that you are no longer part of the family.

We can all speculate between us on their reasons but only they know why so it's them you need to have another conversation with.

Would speaking to your Dad or your Mum alone be more productive maybe? Maybe go round and speak with Dad when you know Mum is out or vice versa. Or one of your sisters, if they have the fuller story (or at least hear what they've been told...)

I would try, as much as possible, to keep your emotions in check when you speak, stay calm and try and just get down to the facts. Obviously you may uncover things that are uncomfortable for you too but I feel you'd rather that than not know. Good luck.

I think I'd be obtaining a DNA sample from each of them and having it compared with your own. It doesn't follow that your mother is necessarily your mother, it's not unknown for a woman to bring up the product of a husband's affair, her husband's brother's or sister's child, or for unofficial surrogacy to have taken place. Or you could be his brother's child from your mother. If they then later had children that are from both of them it could explain your estrangement from them all.

Maybe 6 years ago they realised how easy DNA matching was becoming to obtain and have rejected you before you find out. I'd put yourself on 23&me to start with.

Have your sisters not given any more clarity on what’s happened?

If this happened in my family my siblings would be straight on the phone to them to say look, this is unfair on the kids, you either buy for all or none of the GC, unless you want to agree an age cut - off for them all. I would do the same.

COVID. Could it be something connected?

Honestly - sometimes it is impossible to discern someone's motivation and I wouldn't even waste energy trying. If they are Reform voters I would be very glad to have as little to do with them as possible!

Just go with the flow ......