Parents faking poverty and not buying dc gifts

[FakeFinances]

for some reason approx 6 years ago my parents decided to stop all gifts for birthday Easter and Christmas. They said they just didn’t have the money to do them for the GC. Fine.

Excpet it’s 1. Not true that they can’t afford it and 2. They still buy gifts etc for both my sisters dc???

Everytime I go to see them they openly show me expensive new things, tell me about the cruises and holidays booked and talk finances (positively) then in the same visit they’ll say they have no money so sorry there’s no cake to have with coffee and reiterate that’s why they don’t do gifts anymore???

I have found out that they have still given gifts to all their other GC (I have 2 sisters) and I’m shocked ? When I asked them about it all they said they would not be speaking to me anymore as I was ‘money grabbing’ ? They haven’t spoken to me for 3 months now.

We hadn’t fallen out prior to this I genuinely believed when they first started this that they had just decided no more gifts ? I have 2 dc, my sisters have 6 between them.

I think they’ve wanted to cut you off, or be angry at you but did it this was so it’s justified to them as you are the baddie. Did they really not think you’d ask going on about treats etc eith the other sisters? Unless they thought your kids are too old for presents, but the others aren’t. But why not just say that? Think they’ve been wanting a fallout. Remember when they come a knocking for care, I doubt they’ll want to inconvenience the sisters…

I think the way your parents are behaving now is inexplicable and mean. However, I wouldn't necessarily read anything into how you had more rules as a child given that you were 10 years older. I don't think it is unusual for parents to be more relaxed with the younger ones than the eldest.

My eldest sister is 10 years older than me. When I was very young and she was a teenager wanting to out with friends, they used to be very strict about what time she needed to be home and their would be a row if she was back too late. Even after she had turned 18 they would get very upset if she came home after midnight. By the time I was that age I was at University and I suppose they figured if I could keep myself out of trouble away from home then I must know what I was doing so there was never a curfew.

More recently my DDs best friend at school was the eldest child. Her DM was very strict and a bit of a helicopter parent with her. But the younger two had a much easier time.

That's really awful. What I would do is make it clear that the children will be aware they are not treated the same and I don't want them being exposed to that kind of nonsense, especially not from family. I'm sorry OP

What cruel and unacceptable behaviour!

Even if there’s more to it and you’ve done something to offend them (such as rudeness or demanding the same amount of money they’d given your sisters for deposits, even though you didn’t really need it) it’s really horrible to take it out on their GC.

Have you tried talking to them all individually, i.e. each of your sisters? What was your relationship with your sisters like before? Maybe your parents have lied or exaggerated to your sisters about something you’ve done or said. Or maybe your sisters feel beholden to them to continue receiving their love, support or money.

I suggest you try speaking to them all individually. Ask to meet in person and ask whether they no longer want a relationship with you and your DC. If they do, what do they feel needs to be done (and by whom) to make that happen. You don’t have to respond immediately. Listen and consider what they say. If they don’t, say you’d like them to have the courtesy to explain why.

If they won’t respond to messages asking to meet, send an email or letter to that effect.

If you still get no response, there’s nothing more you can do. So, seek therapy to deal with it. Being ostracised from one’s family (what it’s now fashionable to call ‘no contact’) is very traumatic. You need to recognise and work through the trauma.

It’s always better to want to reconcile, resolve differences and move forward positively, with love and kindness. Unless, of course, it’s dangerous (e.g. risk of psychological or violent harm). But some people don’t have the maturity or kindness of heart to do so. The silent treatment is a form of abuse. It tends to make the abuser miserable deep-down, as they have to live with it. But, like most people who behave abusively, they tend to employ DARVO: justify the abuse to themselves and victim-blame.

Ultimately, you can’t make people behave in a certain way. You can only control your response. Set your own standards for yourself, rather than allowing yourself to be dragged into retaliation. Remain mature, open and kind. If people don’t want you in their life, see it as their problem and their loss. Remove them from your social media, so you can’t see their posts. And find people who do love and value you and do want you in their life. Life’s too short to allow people who’re petty or abusive to affect it 💐

Yes, my mother used to treat her children/ grandchildren differently. I am LC with her for many reasons. She is now in a nursing home and I am very amused that she won’t be able to leave her favoured child all her money because the nursing home fees will have taken all of it! 😀

OP has kind of changed her story a bit.
Her earlier post at 8.20 said
"they had taken the dc out for me"
Which implies they were doing her a favour

How did everyone seem after the farm visit? Maybe your DPs had v unrealistic ideas about how smoothly it would go and how lovely it would be. Then your DCs didn't like the lunch they bought them, wanted to play in the park instead of looking at a cow or whatever they were telling them to do etc. They have spun this into an explanation that you and your DCs are ungrateful rather than they hah forgotten what young DCs are like?

What arseholes. Some people don’t deserve grandchildren. I’d make a point of not inviting them for lunches/dinner etc. Does this mean you don’t get them christmas / birthday presents? In your position I’d knock that on the head.

Hold on… did they bill you for the farm entry, lunches out etc. too? Or just for the petrol that they put into your car?

The first would be odd seeing as the day trip was their suggestion, but I can understand why they’d expect you to pay to fuel your own vehicle. If the tank was full when they set off, you wouldn’t have expected them to pay you back for the fuel they used!

It’s a very curious situation, which on the face of it makes no sense, but I was reading a post on here last night about adult child estrangement, and I can’t help but wonder if there is a similarity here - they are telling you, very clearly, what the reasons are for the different treatment, but you aren’t listening. For example, perhaps they feel your sisters are warmly appreciative, but have always found you wanting more, no matter how much they give?

I admit, like others, I’ve wondered if it is because you have a different dad. Do you sense any difference between your mum and dads treatment of you?

Pretty sure she would have immediately concluded that as the driving force behind the difference in treatment,

@FakeFinances I , like a pp, wondered if you were your Dad's biological child. However, ehat happened during Covvid, because that's when they fell out with you. Did you stick to the rules and stay away, while they mixed? Are you having no contact with DN? Or your children no contact with cousins? If not and they are all in on it, I'd be distancing myself and getting on DNA sites. I know a few people who've found they didn't have the father they thought. If you are going to cut contact, tell them straight first.

nomas
YANBU. It would be fine if they treated all grandchildren the same but they’re not.
Please do not expose your children to their toxic behaviour.
I would stop all visits and not allow them to see your children anymore. Don’t even go there for Christmas.

a bit ott don’t you think? Op the way some people save for the decadent things are to cut and snip things all over the place. It’s ridiculous because the cost of a present doesn’t pay for a cruise but some people think as if it does and panic over money and cut again.

if you had a house already I don’t get the deposit thing, are you saying you wanted equal money? That’s a grey one, as a parent I think you try and help where you can but why would you help the person who needs no help, but they should have given you something- maybe they see you as ok for money?

Are your DCs adults now or similar ages to your nieces and nephews.

Do you have a family chat?

If so I’d send a message on there asking why gifts are bought for sisters DCs and not yours?
Say what’s you’ve said on here that you assumed that presents would have stopped for everyone but you’ve just realise that the nieces and nephews have been receiving gifts and you don’t understand why your DCs don’t get a cheap box of chocs as a token gift even.

Honestly I’d take the hint and back off from them all together.

Did you get a new partner?

Bonkers take. Ditch your entire family over the government because a stranger on the internet tells you too. Listen to how that actually sounds if said out loud.

I wondered this. Did they retire, pay off their mortgages or something, and therefore have more disposable income? Perhaps they inherited some money at that time?

It’s things like the ‘sorry it’s just a coffee or tea as we couldnt afford cake’ then i was seeing on fb my sisters posting ‘afternoon tea with mum’ posts and her replying she loves to treat her girls ? I won’t lie it hurt but it’s just the confusion.

Op I totally get this .

My dsm - now widowed- has lots of money. Yet she sits in the house says cant afford heating . In the same breath talks about wine she enjoys- and smugly says “ well you get what
you oay for .” , gets a new conservatory, and s currently on a tour of south Africa.
Has multiple holiday s a year - v frequent.
When I had my dc she asked me if i needed anything and I asked for 2 pints of milk.
She then gave me the receipt.
asking for the money.

I think , sadly , its what they place value on is were they put their money
.It also sounds like they have a real issue about money and that you have been labelled as a money grabber in their minds and therefore are clinging more to it .

I asked for help for my ds for a medical issue to - he needed private specialist care and she refused.

I saw 3 ways forward- to call her out. She said “ oh i dont remember that” grrr - she does !
cut her out
or just leave it , let go , accept,as its v stressful and harmful to you .
They may change if they let go of this money dynamic they are stuck in in relation to you ( unfairly)
But either way only you can manage this painful as it is I do know( I hated seeing other dc treated to gifts and mine not too) - and hard as it is - you need to do the thing that protects your peace as sadly they are how they are - unfair as it is . I really do understand x

I think the slight disagreement about the deposits was the catalyst for the big change. If you voiced even politely in anyway that you didn’t get one or would they give you money it will have peeved them.

Plus looking at the age gap of you and your sisters, maybe you were unplanned or they had matured enough to enjoy parenting. No one asks to be born though obviously.

Are your kids the eldest grandkids? So presents stopped when they were Xyrs old and it'll be the same when your nephews/nieces reach that age?
Thats the only way I can see its fair, and if thats not the case I’d walk away from toxic relationships.
We had similar, our kids got second hand toys or clothes that didn’t fit/were wrong season etc while BIl and SIL’s kids got huge financial support. DH has always felt the least favourite sibling, but having kids amplified it 1000 fold, so that going low contact was best for all of us really. Our DC have little to nothing to do with grandparents as young adults and they’re fine with that, although envious of friends with “normal” grandparent relationships, as are DH and I!

Whatever the reason sack them off. Life’s too short for this bullshit.

You're upset that they are suddenly left out, six years ago?

Why is it suddenly now that it bothers you. If they've not been getting anything for six years then surely they just have no memory of getting gifts from them?

It sounds a bit peculiar but the thing that happened, whatever it is, obviously changed the way they see you in comparison to your siblings.

Your parents and your sisters are abusive and toxic not only to you but also your children. They have shown you who they are. You should cut all interactions permanently.
You need to protect your children, they should not have to visit or remain in contact with people whose intentions seem to be to cause maximum hurt and pain. Your children deserve better.
Instead of trying to repair relationships that have been arranged to cause pain, accept who they are, refuse to allow you and your family to be scapegoated and get some counselling and therapy. This will help you move on without them and accept who they are. It will help develop stronger bonds with your own immediate family. Good luck.

I think you should get your birth cert. It seems to me that the man you call Dad isn't your father, that would explain a lot.

I'd say there's more to this. Do your sisters give your parents a lot of help. And are you generous with them. Your information is a bit one sided. All about what they don't do for you. Do you do anything for them.

Biological parents can be toxic though because of personality disorder or simply because they don't like you. My mother is always offering me money and then withdrawing the offer. I get the feeling she is trying to goad me into complaining about it so that she can have a go at me for being greedy and grasping.

This is what I’m wondering.

If OP is much older than her siblings then her DC may be much older too.